to not want inlaws providing childcare?

[MarathonMillie]

Sorry for the length of this post, just wanted to try and explain properly.

DD is 14 months. I went back to work in June and as we could not get DD into our desired nursery until today childcare consisted of me being part time, childminder and inlaws having DD one day a week. I never really wanted inlaws providing childcare as was wary that it would set a precedent that would be difficult to stop and was wary of their manipulative and controlling behaviour. If you give them an inch they take a mile.

I explained to MIL they would only be providing childcare for 2 months and then DD was full time in nursery and they were fine with that. Now DH and inlaws are bullying me into reducing nursery down to 4 days so they can continue with having DD for one day a week. DH told inlaws they could still have DD without mentioning it to me and knowing that I want DD full time in nursery. I feel that inlaws pressurise DH when I am not around as they know he is the softer touch.

I do not have a problem with inlaws spending time with DD and DD having a relationship with them but think they should be grandparents and not childcare providers. We see inlaws at least once a week as they live nearby. On the days they have previously looked after DD there have been no disasters but DD has refused to eat (and yet she eats perfectly fine with childminder and visits to nursery) so I am a little concerned about why she will not eat with them. They also will not follow DD's routine and make DD fit in with whatever they want to do. They treat DD as an accessory.

I have trust issues with inlaws since they do not baby proof their home, keep doves which sh*t all over the garden DD is playing in and insist on buying all manner of things from car boot sales. The latest was a car seat which they bought for £8 and it was broken - they didn't even realise it was broken until we took a look at it. Nor did they ask any questions about the car seat from the seller. FIL has "fixed" the car seat with glue and they do not understand why we don't want them using it. I am very concerned they might use it without telling us. On occasions they do not return DD when we ask them to (and I don't just mean 5, 10, 15 mins) so she is late back and completely out of routine.

Since DD was born inlaws behaviour has increasingly infuriated me. The day after DD was born they organised a massive family BBQ without telling us and expected us to attend to show DD off despite the fact I had the midwife coming round for the first visit. They telephoned all afternoon telling us people were waiting to meet DD and how unreasonable it was for us to wait for the midwife! They ruined our first Christmas with DD as insisted we had to stay with them for 3 days, proceeded to get extremely drunk and argumentative, wanted to wake DD up whenever someone was around to show her off to and then proceeded to verbally abuse my DH when we decided to leave a day early to get away from them. On one occasion at theirs I said we had to leave and get DD to bed (it was her bedtime) and MIL totally ignored me, turned her back on me and proceeded to pressurise DH into staying which he agreed to and DH and I ended up having a blazing row at inlaws house. There are so many other examples which I will not go into as this will turn into a mammoth essay - moreso than it already is!

DH thinks I am being precious over DD and that if we can save on a day's nursery fees we should but I truly feel like my authority as DD's mother is constantly being undermined as almost every decision I try to make seems like a compromise to what I actually want.

As a side note, I am not enjoying being back at work and feel I have made a mistake going back full time. I need to be back at work for a year or else I have to pay back enhanced maternity pay. I feel that if DH wants to cut nursery fees I should go part time but DH thinks I am then being possessive of DD.

I need some independent and honest opinions to see whether I am being unreasonable in not wanting inlaws looking after DD one day a week. DH and I are at loggerheads and for the first time in my marriage I am really unhappy.

[strictlovingmum]

Agree exoticfruits equal parental rights, surely.
As for DD grandparents having no rights, I am not so sure about it, they have moral rights, feel responsible for their GD ,and most importantly probably love her to bits.
To deny them the opportunity to spend time with their GD, over things which in all probability can be ironed out, I know what my choice would be, strangers looking after my DD at tender age of 14 months, or blood relation caring grandparents, well it's not really a brainer.

[PorkChopSter]

Also if the DH is using finance as a reason - what is the discount for using a full time place? Sometimes a 4 day week without discount is not that much cheaper than a FT discount place.

What are you planning on doing when the PIL are ill or on holiday? What about when you are not working: will they still expect a day with DC then? What about if you have DC2 - will they want both of them?

[exoticfruits]

You try a thread where the man tells the woman what she is or isn't doing with childcare arrangements and people will jump in-some will call it abusive behaviour! It however seems quite reasonable that the woman should tell the man what she is or isn't doing and this is entirely different.

[exoticfruits]

Of course they have no rights over childcare but her DH does and he has as much say as the mother. If he would prefer them to do one day instead of the nursery they need to discuss and compromise-not have OP lay down the law.

[aprilbear]

Actually that's very true exoticfruits- I can imagine exactly what some of the responses would be if this were the other way round!

[Bonsoir]

No it's not. As I said, I don't think grandparents have any rights at all to do childcare, be they maternal or paternal.

[exoticfruits]

But not over her DH Bonsoir, who is quite happy. If a woman came on here saying that her DH wouldn't let her parents do the childcare one day a week when she was perfectly happy he would be labelled controlling-some posters would even recommend leaving him! It is the old double standards.

[strictlovingmum]

Why don't you talk to them, you are the parent, lay down the rules, and air any issues, and then give them a chance together with clear guidance on how to look after her.
You talking to your MIL will come across much more clear, she has to take your guidance onboard, leaving it up to your DH it's not a good idea, MIL won't take it seriously coming from her son.
If properly executed it can work, you will save yourself the money, and you DD will get to form a very strong bond with her grand parents, which is very valuable for every child.
As for glued car seat, buy new one, take it round to theirs, take the old one and bin ti, explaining the process to them, it's illegal and dangerous.

[Bonsoir]

You are missing off a very important part of my sentence. I am not saying the mother is a "senior parent" and what she says goes. I am saying that a mother has absolute priority over PILs when deciding who cares for her baby.

[exoticfruits]

Great minds...aprilbear-I see we cross posted with the same thing! I was astounded. I don't think that I have any right whatsoever to do something 'whatever DH feels about it'. We would have to discuss and compromise.

[exoticfruits]

How peculiar-mother is senior parent and what she says goes?
I think that we might be divorced by now if DH wasn't equal and I just announced 'as DC's mother I have an absolute right.......' I don't care what you think!!
I would also pity the poor DCs if a parent was so possessive.

[aprilbear]

....... or if you have a good relationship with your partner where you regard him as your equal co-parent rather than a juvenile who can't be trusted to have an opinion, you may want to discuss openly the pros and cons of each form of possible childcare and come to a decision you are both happy with. Its actually rather a good basis for happy family life for parents to communicate rather than make unilateral decisions!

[Bonsoir]

I don't think that any grandparents have any rights whatsoever over their grandchildren. If you, as your DD's mother, are not happy to leave your DD in your PILs' care, you have an absolute right not to do so, whatever your DH may feel about it.

In order for you to go back to work as happily as possible (and I understand that you are not really happy about working FT), you need to feel sure that your DD is in the best possible care. From your OP, it sounds as if nursery is the best possible care option. Hence that is what you should use.

[notso]

I think you (OP) should work part time, explain to DH that you are not happy at work and want to spend more time with your Daughter, if that is what you want to do and it is financially viable then you should.

Agree with others about the no car seat generation.
I can remember FIL eyeing DD's suspiciously and saying "and THAT is safer than holding her, it's only plastic you know", and also rolling his eyes when I looked in horror as he pulled up in a full car with DS balanced on MIL's knee in what looked like the proto type of the first ever carseat it was so old.

[WhoseGotMyEyebrows]

Sorry only read the OP, but why does your DH think you are possessive because you want to go back to part-time work? You are allowed to want to spend time with your child you know.

I also have a DH who is weak with his family and doesn't stick up for me. Have no advice there except that he has been told that things must be very different next time the situation occurs.

[seeker]

"Seeker, how can you say that the op's pils aren't being unreasonable, they are more interested in being in control than there gc's safety. They show no respect by undermining op, and when she says no they obviously go behind her back and manipulate their ds into changing her mind!"

The only safety issue was the car seat. Which is a common issue with pre car seat people. And is easily solved by taking the broken one away and replacing it with a safe one. Oh, and the routine thing. I think (so shoot me) that this is something parents often use shamelessly to keep control to themselves in their absence, and to convince themselves that nobody can look after their child except them. It's healthy, IMHO for a child to fit in as far as possible with adult's lives rather than the other way round.

[exoticfruits]

You have to remember newcommer that we hear only one side of the story on here. There may well be some truth in what tigger says, especially if you don't want to leave them anywhere. PIL may not do things your way but they love the DC.
Since the DCs need contact with the grandparents-who they may love to bits and have a wonderful relationship with, even if you don't-it seems a good way to give regular contact and then you don't have to fit it in elsewhere.
If you want total control when you are not there, then don't do it. In this case they can't be all bad as DH appears to think they are fine and he is the one who grew up with them and has the 'inside' knowledge.
The one day a week seems to me a good compromise, but only OP can decide, we can't tell if she is PFB or has genuine cause for concern-or simply doesn't want to be back at work and is jealous.

[tiggerandpoohtoo]

I haven't read all your replies so I don't know if I'm repeating anyone else - sorry if I am.
I felt the same when it came to going back to work after I had DD1. I didn't think PIL were capable of looking after her like I was. Looking back, it was more about the fact that I was Jealous of them spending time with her when i felt guilty about working.
In actual fact, it was the best thing we ever did. I eventually went part time and MIL looked after DD when i worked and later on took her part time to nursery too. When I had DD2, she also helped with her and apart from the saving on nursery fees, the girls love being with her. They learn so much from her that they don't get from nursery (they do far more gardening and cooking than they could there), and so have a great balance in the week, with mum, Granny and nursery.
I have also realised that despite what I thought about her, the girls think she looks after them very well! (And deep down I now know that she does too).
So my point is that this may all turn out ok for you anyway! Spend the money you save on your DD and let her have the best of everything.

[newcommer]

Seeker, how can you say that the op's pils aren't being unreasonable, they are more interested in being in control than there gc's safety. They show no respect by undermining op, and when she says no they obviously go behind her back and manipulate their ds into changing her mind!

[exoticfruits]

Sounds a lot more reasonable than your first post PG-which was pretty brusque!
If you don't want family to do regular childcare it is better to say so, diplomatically. The one thing that you can't do is control them when you are not there!

[ProcrastinatorGeneral]

Thanks pomme I knew I should have had a coffee before I started typing >_

[pommedechocolat]

It made sense apart from the use of solve rather than create in the last paragraph :)

I personally cannot imagine using grandparents as regular every week childcare. That is not what that relationship is about.

[ProcrastinatorGeneral]

exoticfruits My written words are generally more brusque than my spoken ones, I tend to be more concise in print (and ramble for hours in person >_

[MarathonMillie]

Thank you everyone, you have been really helpful in putting some perspective on this. DH and I had a proper chat last night and it was good to get everything out in the open. If I am honest, settling back into work and not enjoying work has been very influential in all of this. Beng back at work is not forever - need to be back one year so have only 9 months left to go of that year. I guess I just assumed that I would settle back in straight away and have been denying what a struggle it has been. So I do need to give it more than a couple of months - and by that point I will be well into my year.

I don't like how PIL behave but agree that nothing completely disasterous has happened to DD so far in their care and I want to keep my feelings about them separate to DD's relationship with them. Have agreed to PIL having DD one day a week until I give up work. A friend said its all about picking the right battles with them so if I let them have this we don't have to spend every weekend seeing them or all of Christmas etc etc. I think someone said something similar on here.

[G1nger]

Ladyflumpalot - consider her your source of excellent pub stories :) And tell her to get a dog/hobby/clue :)