to not want inlaws providing childcare?

[MarathonMillie]

Sorry for the length of this post, just wanted to try and explain properly.

DD is 14 months. I went back to work in June and as we could not get DD into our desired nursery until today childcare consisted of me being part time, childminder and inlaws having DD one day a week. I never really wanted inlaws providing childcare as was wary that it would set a precedent that would be difficult to stop and was wary of their manipulative and controlling behaviour. If you give them an inch they take a mile.

I explained to MIL they would only be providing childcare for 2 months and then DD was full time in nursery and they were fine with that. Now DH and inlaws are bullying me into reducing nursery down to 4 days so they can continue with having DD for one day a week. DH told inlaws they could still have DD without mentioning it to me and knowing that I want DD full time in nursery. I feel that inlaws pressurise DH when I am not around as they know he is the softer touch.

I do not have a problem with inlaws spending time with DD and DD having a relationship with them but think they should be grandparents and not childcare providers. We see inlaws at least once a week as they live nearby. On the days they have previously looked after DD there have been no disasters but DD has refused to eat (and yet she eats perfectly fine with childminder and visits to nursery) so I am a little concerned about why she will not eat with them. They also will not follow DD's routine and make DD fit in with whatever they want to do. They treat DD as an accessory.

I have trust issues with inlaws since they do not baby proof their home, keep doves which sh*t all over the garden DD is playing in and insist on buying all manner of things from car boot sales. The latest was a car seat which they bought for £8 and it was broken - they didn't even realise it was broken until we took a look at it. Nor did they ask any questions about the car seat from the seller. FIL has "fixed" the car seat with glue and they do not understand why we don't want them using it. I am very concerned they might use it without telling us. On occasions they do not return DD when we ask them to (and I don't just mean 5, 10, 15 mins) so she is late back and completely out of routine.

Since DD was born inlaws behaviour has increasingly infuriated me. The day after DD was born they organised a massive family BBQ without telling us and expected us to attend to show DD off despite the fact I had the midwife coming round for the first visit. They telephoned all afternoon telling us people were waiting to meet DD and how unreasonable it was for us to wait for the midwife! They ruined our first Christmas with DD as insisted we had to stay with them for 3 days, proceeded to get extremely drunk and argumentative, wanted to wake DD up whenever someone was around to show her off to and then proceeded to verbally abuse my DH when we decided to leave a day early to get away from them. On one occasion at theirs I said we had to leave and get DD to bed (it was her bedtime) and MIL totally ignored me, turned her back on me and proceeded to pressurise DH into staying which he agreed to and DH and I ended up having a blazing row at inlaws house. There are so many other examples which I will not go into as this will turn into a mammoth essay - moreso than it already is!

DH thinks I am being precious over DD and that if we can save on a day's nursery fees we should but I truly feel like my authority as DD's mother is constantly being undermined as almost every decision I try to make seems like a compromise to what I actually want.

As a side note, I am not enjoying being back at work and feel I have made a mistake going back full time. I need to be back at work for a year or else I have to pay back enhanced maternity pay. I feel that if DH wants to cut nursery fees I should go part time but DH thinks I am then being possessive of DD.

I need some independent and honest opinions to see whether I am being unreasonable in not wanting inlaws looking after DD one day a week. DH and I are at loggerheads and for the first time in my marriage I am really unhappy.

[aprilbear]

Actually that's very true exoticfruits- I can imagine exactly what some of the responses would be if this were the other way round!

[exoticfruits]

Of course they have no rights over childcare but her DH does and he has as much say as the mother. If he would prefer them to do one day instead of the nursery they need to discuss and compromise-not have OP lay down the law.

[exoticfruits]

You try a thread where the man tells the woman what she is or isn't doing with childcare arrangements and people will jump in-some will call it abusive behaviour! It however seems quite reasonable that the woman should tell the man what she is or isn't doing and this is entirely different.

[PorkChopSter]

Also if the DH is using finance as a reason - what is the discount for using a full time place? Sometimes a 4 day week without discount is not that much cheaper than a FT discount place.

What are you planning on doing when the PIL are ill or on holiday? What about when you are not working: will they still expect a day with DC then? What about if you have DC2 - will they want both of them?

[strictlovingmum]

Agree exoticfruits equal parental rights, surely.
As for DD grandparents having no rights, I am not so sure about it, they have moral rights, feel responsible for their GD ,and most importantly probably love her to bits.
To deny them the opportunity to spend time with their GD, over things which in all probability can be ironed out, I know what my choice would be, strangers looking after my DD at tender age of 14 months, or blood relation caring grandparents, well it's not really a brainer.