to not want inlaws providing childcare?

[MarathonMillie]

Sorry for the length of this post, just wanted to try and explain properly.

DD is 14 months. I went back to work in June and as we could not get DD into our desired nursery until today childcare consisted of me being part time, childminder and inlaws having DD one day a week. I never really wanted inlaws providing childcare as was wary that it would set a precedent that would be difficult to stop and was wary of their manipulative and controlling behaviour. If you give them an inch they take a mile.

I explained to MIL they would only be providing childcare for 2 months and then DD was full time in nursery and they were fine with that. Now DH and inlaws are bullying me into reducing nursery down to 4 days so they can continue with having DD for one day a week. DH told inlaws they could still have DD without mentioning it to me and knowing that I want DD full time in nursery. I feel that inlaws pressurise DH when I am not around as they know he is the softer touch.

I do not have a problem with inlaws spending time with DD and DD having a relationship with them but think they should be grandparents and not childcare providers. We see inlaws at least once a week as they live nearby. On the days they have previously looked after DD there have been no disasters but DD has refused to eat (and yet she eats perfectly fine with childminder and visits to nursery) so I am a little concerned about why she will not eat with them. They also will not follow DD's routine and make DD fit in with whatever they want to do. They treat DD as an accessory.

I have trust issues with inlaws since they do not baby proof their home, keep doves which sh*t all over the garden DD is playing in and insist on buying all manner of things from car boot sales. The latest was a car seat which they bought for £8 and it was broken - they didn't even realise it was broken until we took a look at it. Nor did they ask any questions about the car seat from the seller. FIL has "fixed" the car seat with glue and they do not understand why we don't want them using it. I am very concerned they might use it without telling us. On occasions they do not return DD when we ask them to (and I don't just mean 5, 10, 15 mins) so she is late back and completely out of routine.

Since DD was born inlaws behaviour has increasingly infuriated me. The day after DD was born they organised a massive family BBQ without telling us and expected us to attend to show DD off despite the fact I had the midwife coming round for the first visit. They telephoned all afternoon telling us people were waiting to meet DD and how unreasonable it was for us to wait for the midwife! They ruined our first Christmas with DD as insisted we had to stay with them for 3 days, proceeded to get extremely drunk and argumentative, wanted to wake DD up whenever someone was around to show her off to and then proceeded to verbally abuse my DH when we decided to leave a day early to get away from them. On one occasion at theirs I said we had to leave and get DD to bed (it was her bedtime) and MIL totally ignored me, turned her back on me and proceeded to pressurise DH into staying which he agreed to and DH and I ended up having a blazing row at inlaws house. There are so many other examples which I will not go into as this will turn into a mammoth essay - moreso than it already is!

DH thinks I am being precious over DD and that if we can save on a day's nursery fees we should but I truly feel like my authority as DD's mother is constantly being undermined as almost every decision I try to make seems like a compromise to what I actually want.

As a side note, I am not enjoying being back at work and feel I have made a mistake going back full time. I need to be back at work for a year or else I have to pay back enhanced maternity pay. I feel that if DH wants to cut nursery fees I should go part time but DH thinks I am then being possessive of DD.

I need some independent and honest opinions to see whether I am being unreasonable in not wanting inlaws looking after DD one day a week. DH and I are at loggerheads and for the first time in my marriage I am really unhappy.

[MarathonMillie]

lisianthus - LOL! The car seat issue was the final straw!

And just to clarify, the 2 month period where PIL looked after DD, we were not stuck as I could have started back part time but DH and PIL insisted to let them have a go at childcare and as I was assured it was only temporary I reluctantly agreed. For the whole 2 months I dreaded Mondays and it was such a relief when the last one came and went.

[whoneedssleepanyway]

Can you afford to work part time and would your employer agree?

That sounds like it would be the perfect solution for you to be honest and then you can say to MIL thanks but I am now going to look after DD myself that day....

They sound a bit of a nightmare...

Re the car seat thing I genuinely reckon people of that generation just don't get it sometimes as they never had to use car seats etc....

[beanandspud]

I'm with Beertricks on this one.

From their side it sounds as if everything is well-intentioned - they are proud of their grandchild, want to spend time with her, see her grow up, spoil her a little and help out you and DH by reducing your nursery fees and buying 'bargains'. TBH, my parents didn't understand the current thinking on car seats and why I treated it like such a big deal - they just didn't have them when we were babies.

However, you and DH probably need to have a 'grown up' discussion about it. Can you afford to work part-time and possibly pay back enhanced maternity pay? What are the real issues with the GPs? What is non-negotiable (e.g. car seats) and what could be compromised (you sending a packed lunch so you know what DD is eating?). Would you feel guilty asking them to babysit on a weekend if they have a regular commitment during the week? Can you make sure that even if DD is at nursery full time they have a regular 'date' with them for tea etc?

I don't think you are being unreasonable but would suggest would be that you need to find some sort of compromise. It is likely that you might want to use them for childcare at some point over the next 10 years so upsetting everyone (and burning your bridges) now isn't going to help if you do need them to cover sickness/holidays/nights out.

[pommedechocolat]

I think that probably you being UNHAPPY with the arrangement trumps him being okay with it iyswim.

Both you and your dh have a right to an opinion but you spending one day a week feeling on edge and nervous isn't going to change so he should probably cede to you on this one.

YANBU. I would never ever use grandparents as childcare.

[beanandspud]

X-posts - I think lenak put it better than I did!

[emsyj]

If you don't think that your DD will be safe with your ILs then you must not send her there.

I have a 14 month old DD too and she goes to her grandparents one day a week while DH and I are both at work. I don't much like my ILs and they don't like me either, but I trust them to keep her safe, so she goes.

Agree tho that there is a generation that just doesn't get car seats. I mentioned to my DM when I was pregnant that DH and I were going to order a car seat and she said, 'oh but you won't need that for ages yet!' with a dismissive, tinkly little laugh. When I said, 'but how will we bring the baby home from the hospital?' she said, 'well, on your lap in the back seat - that's the safest way'. She genuinely believed this. She would not entertain the idea that to do so would be dangerous and totally illegal.

Actually, I think she still believes it now.... When DD was about 6 months old she got a rash that I was worried about so told DM (who had come over for a visit) that I was taking her straight to the doctor - she offered to sit in the back and hold her as it would take too long to put her in the car seat, and she might prefer to be held!

[MarathonMillie]

lenak - thanks for the advice. I know being out of routine and not eating for one day isn't the end of the world but just curious to know why DD stays in her routine and eats with everyone else.

I have been considering caving and letting PIL have DD for one day for an easy life but just cross that I always seem to be accommodating them as they think the world revolves around them and they always come out of every situation getting exactly what they want.

[pommedechocolat]

Don't cave MM. It will be YOU sat at work worried about your dd. Once a week, every week.

[ChitChattingagain]

There's strict routine, there's rough routine, and there's absolutely no routine - rough routine is perfectly acceptable, and allows your DD to become flexible, but from what you say I gather your DD gets NO routine which is simply awful for a child.

Your DH probably understands why you feel the way you do, but just doesn't want to admit it. It's pretty hard for some people to admit that their parents have pretty major flaws.

Has your DH ever been able to talk you around other issues? If so, then there's a pretty good chance that they all assumed that with a bit of time you wouldn't be as adamant about saying no and that is why they assured you it was only temporary - but there's no way you're going to make any of them admit it!!!!

What will you do in emergencies? (Ie when your DD is ill and can't go to nursery). Will you use the in-laws then?

[lenak]

Millie - my DD eats brilliantly at nursery and pretty well at her grandparents house - however, up until recently was rubbish at eating at home.

Don't see it as caving in - that way lies madness - think of it as giving your DD a wide range of experiences and variation in her week .

We have a slightly different problem with the inlaws in that they bugger off out of the country for three months of the year so we have to find cover for those periods. Not a problem if we know about it in advance - it's when they decide to go off on their narrow boat for the week and forget to tell us until a couple of weeks before or say that they can't have DD next week because they have visitors that causes issues. We make our displeasure known, but put up with it because what DD gets from seeing them each week and spending time with her cousins by and large out weighs the inconvenience - we obviously also save on nursery fees.

We could chuck the arrangement in, but we would be cutting off our nose to spite our faces really and DD would be very upset as she loves going there.

[MarathonMillie]

lenak - PIL are also renound for going on numerous holidays throughout the year which is another issue I raised.

ChitChatting - yes, have been talked round before and to be honest think DH finds his DM more scary than me. Very dysfunctional family in that PILs have always underminded the confidence of DH and SIL. Ironically when first met DH his relationship with his parents was dire and I was the one that encouraged him to build bridges!

Thanks everyone. It is nice to get some other angles on this and DH and I will have to have a proper chat without shouting at each other which is what ended up happening last night!

[lenak]

Good luck with whatever you decide

And I fully recommend the working four days a week if you can manage it practically and financially whether you go with in-law child care or not - I loved it when I did it every week and still do even though it is only every fortnight now.

[Honeypie80]

Hi,

Just a thought but i say this speaking from the child's point of view as i was looked after by my grandparents,but have you thought about how good it would be for your dd to have a special relationship with her grandparents, My grandma looked after me full time while my mum went to work, meaning i got to play with cousins and friends at my nans house as well as my own house when i was at home, twice the fun.. 30 years on i now have an amazing relationship with her still and we often do things together, i find it so sad when i hear friends who say they cant be bothered visiting their grandparents, their part of your family whether you like it or not now.

Also and you may like this bit, my own mum used to come and pick me up from work so she would stay and have a cuppa then we'd go home, If you did this could this count as you both "visiting them", Kill 2 birds with 1 stone, go and pick up your dd and get the visit out the way, that way your weekends could be free for you both to enjoy, If they start moaning they dont see you just say you saw them through the week and have your own lives with plans. They do sound dreadful though pretty much along the lines of my own and ill cross the childcare issues when i get to it, but for now if its only a day or 2 a week then id bite the bullet and look to the positives of it, its only for a year then shes going to be in full time education anyway.

[pinklaydee]

I really sympathise with you, you need a big cuddle and a . It seems that you have got very stressed by a combination of things. You have got a young child and are in a job you don't enjoy, both of which are very stressful. Sounds as if you need a real confidence boost too. It's really hard if you feel like your husband is not supporting you.
You have got to step back and think about the whole situation, otherwise you are going to get more and more wound up. Try to be calm, reasonable but firm with your ILs. From their point of view, they seem to genuinely want to help you all, and want to have that say with their grand-daughter.
Also, think about what's best for your DD. I loved spending time with my grandparents as a child, but only found out as a young adult that they had a very strained relationship with my parents. I am so grateful to my mum and dad that they didn't let that stand in the way of our relationship, and now I have well-cherished memories.
Good luck!

[RevoltingPeasant]

Millie I don't have children yet, so there is every possibility that I simply don't understand how you feel enough, but....

It does strike me that you are maybe getting too worried about this? I think (!) that for me the most important question would be: 'What does DD think about this?' I.e., is she really happy to be dropped off with Nanna and Granddad on a Monday, or do you think she doesn't like it?

Because if she does, it might be the start of a great relationship, like a PP said. I think from a child's point of view, having birds around would be really fun, like being on a farm or at the zoo. The old toys will probably be welcomed, too.

Is it not possible for you to express to your DH your fears about the carseat and bird poo, and get an absolute, rock-solid agreement on those two points? And then let them care for her for the one day?

Incidentally, how do you know she is not eating? Do you think she is eating but the GPs don't want to tell you what - i.e., do you think she might be eating some 'banned' food?

[pinklaydee]

I mean they want to have that time with their grand-daughter

[lenak]

Oooooh - I've just remembered something from my own childhood which could provide some entertainment for you re: the birds.

My nan and grandad used to keep pigeons and I spent quite a bit of time there. Apparently, when I was about 18 months old, I learnt that if I threw corn for them from the back step, I could get them to come closer and closer.

I am told that after my nan walked into the kitchen to find it full of pigeons with me happily throwing corn about for them, they ensured that the birds were properly caged when I was around.

Not that I am suggesting you teach your DD to do that for some subtle revenge for their annoying behaviour of course!

[ShoutyHamster]

No way. Don't cave. This is a recipe for a complete and utter family fall-out, and that's what you need to tell your DH.

Sit him down and list the stuff that's happened so far - Christmas, car seats, the lot. That she doesn't eat when with them. Explain that they are seriously pissing you off right now. That you don't want to fall out with them, but if he thinks that you will, forever, keep the peace by letting them undermine your authority as a parent, he is very much mistaken.

You DO NOT want them caring for her, because the issues you currently have will be magnified to the point where, pretty soon, you will snap. And there will be words said. Then there's no going back.

He does of course have a say in how your DD is cared for. With that in mind, ask him why he thinks it's a good idea to set up an arrangement that you, the other parent, find stressful and upsetting. Why does he prefer upsetting you to upsetting them? How is that a responsible solution?

Finally, say to him that you will not back down on this and that you would rather go part-time if he is not going to back you up on the issue of the inlaws' level of involvement. That you can see that it will be a bone of contention and that as you don't wish to fall out with them (but WILL if they continue to have sole care of her) it's better to lose the money now than have a situation where people aren't speaking.

Make him see exactly how much this is affecting you, and most of all make it clear that you will NOT 'adjust' and be happy with the situation - it is simply a dealbreaker for you.

[ShoutyHamster]

Re. your DH 'finding his DM more scary than you'

-that's all wrong. That is NOT how the issue of your DD's care should be decided. That's not being a good or responsible father. He has to move on from that position, and fast. Otherwise he's going to cause a lot more trouble than he avoids.

Time to make it clear that where your DD is concerned, Mummy Tiger is the one he wants to consider first, second and third!

[MarathonMillie]

secondcoming I don't want DH to prove his loyalty, I just want our decisions as parents to stop being undermined by PIL. If I come across as controlling it is more the case of trying to claw back some control from PIL who have been taking control for the past 14 months!

Revolting I know DD is not eating because PIL tell me and ask me what her favourite foods are and I tell them and they cook that for her and she still won't eat it. I don't mind what they feed her and I know grandparents will always spoil GC with treats and things, just weird that she won't eat with them and then when I get home from work I have a very hungry DD on my hands that I have to feed the second I come through the door!

Also, just to clarify, I don't have a problem with second hand toys, it is just things such as broken car seats being sold at car boot sales that have concerned me.

[MarathonMillie]

ShoutyHamster I could kiss you! Hurrah for your feistyness!

[mummytotwoboys]

I think YABU - they are willing to look after your child for free, snap their hands off!!! Ok they do things a little differently but thats to be expected and not really a problem is it? They must have done a brilliant job of bringing your DH up as you married him! In my experience, Grandparents are there to undermine you, fill your kids with sugar and be their friend, as it should be!!!! As well as being free childcare. Everyones a winner :)

Unless your PILs are neglectful and hurt your children, they will always be better off with family than in a nursery, but then im pretty laid back about what my DPs and PILs do with my kids as long as they are still alive when I go to collect them.

I guess if you want to control any aspect of their childcare then paying for it may be the way to go but I wouldnt know about this :) as others have said maybe you want to spend more time with her and in that case should definately go part time.

[G1nger]

Your child, your choice. I'm with you on this. Whatever your reasons -fair or otherwise- for preferring a full time nursery place, they can't go bullying you into fitting in with them.

I agree with others that some of your examples do seem a little touchy of you, but that's an understandable reaction in the context of the rest. I assume your side of the family treat eachother with more respect. You are not unreasonable to want that here.