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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to invite EX H's OW to my house?

47 replies

plainwhitet · 01/08/2011 12:22

H left me and the two DDs almost exactly a year ago. Traumatic of course. I have never met OW; girls have met her once last October but are seeing her for four days next week when H takes them to London for a bit of a holiday. Problem is that H cannot see girls anywhere other than here, at my (of course, technically our)house because DD2 is physically disabled, electric wheelchair, which cannot get into OW's house. In London staying in adapted hotel. I am away for the next two weeks. It would be kind and nice of me to say to H, would you like to bring OW here (plus son poss) while I am away. She would have to stay (distances).
The problem is I really do NOT want her here, for all the obvious reasons most of us would probably imagine.
Should I bite the bullet and invite her? Am I being unreasonable not to?
He asked if she could come in the Easter hols and I said no, which he was pretty cross about. Felt not obliged to give any reasons.
Have not asked DDs their opinions (they are teenagers) as do not want them involved in my emotions on this one.
Should point out H has visited us at least twice a month for a weekend for a year so now feel fairly immune to him but this just seems a step too far ...
WWYD?

OP posts:
Mitmoo · 01/08/2011 12:24

I wouldn't to be honest for the obvious reasons, no way I'd let her in to stay while you are not there. It's your home.

Did he leave you for her or hook up with her later?

sharondaw · 01/08/2011 12:25

Are you mad. He left you for an OW and you want her to stay in your house. No way would I allow that.

GypsyMoth · 01/08/2011 12:27

Funny isn't it. There's another thread ATM where the mum is moaning because her ex won't let her meet new woman, and here you are and don't even want to meet the woman who will be doing some caring if your dc.

Can't she stay locally in a b and b?

sue52 · 01/08/2011 12:27

A year is too short a time to heal. The OW can only come into your home when you feel ready and you obviously don't yet.

farnywarny · 01/08/2011 12:29

YANBU, given the circumstances I am not surprised you don't want this woman in your house.

CurrySpice · 01/08/2011 12:29

Erm, I'd say no fucking way!! Shock

YANBU

SenoritaViva · 01/08/2011 12:31

I don't think you are being unreasonable. It is YOUR house, I know it can be argued it is partly his financially etc. but it is your HOME and therefore your right to allow or disallow those in your home. I wouldn't be comfortable in that situation with her staying over etc. I can understand where you are coming from.

Perhaps you could say she could visit but not stay over. Explain that it is too much emotionally for you to deal with.

Happylander · 01/08/2011 12:31

I think your Ex H and the OW are being barking mad tbh to think that it would be okay for her to stay in your house! I would not want my DH Ex W staying in my house and I certainly would not even think about staying in her house and I was not the OW. YADNBU for saying no and she and him are being bloody pushy and selfish to think about it. I am sure he can go two weeks without seeing his partner for the sake of his children.

thederkinsdame · 01/08/2011 12:33

EX stays at your house with DDs. OW stays at a hotel with her DS.

shmoz · 01/08/2011 12:33

TBH I would want to meet her, after all she is going to be co-looking after the children. But NO WAY would I want her staying in my house.

YANBU.

moaningmurtle · 01/08/2011 12:36

Not in a million years!! I can see why you think that 'maybe' you should let her stay, disabled child, they can see Dad etc etc. But i'm afraid bringing the OW into the house and to stay is a no, no, for me and tough shit if he doesn't like it...

Sarsaparilllla · 01/08/2011 12:36

No way, I wouldn't/couldn't deal with that at all

tethersend · 01/08/2011 12:36

She probably doesn't want to stay either.

I would not invite her.

Sarsaparilllla · 01/08/2011 12:37

Oh, to add, meeting her at a mutual venue at a time when things seem a little less raw possibly, as she will be spending time with your kids, but staying at the house, no no no

itsraining · 01/08/2011 12:43

I wouldn't allow her to stay in my house. It would be like her stepping into your shoes, first she has taken your husband and now your life. She'd also have free access to all your things and private papers. She didn't have a problem in accessing you (d)h even though she shouldn't so why do you think that she would be reasonable about boundaries if she were to stay in your house.

Even if they agreed that she would stay in a b & b, I would also be worried that she and exh would decide that she should transfer from b&B into your home during the course of the week because 'it really wasn't worth the trouble of travelling her each day as she was there all day and evening in any case'. You wouldn't know about it until you got back and then couldn't do anything about it.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/08/2011 14:16

Not sure you're being U or not but, having been in a similar position with an ExH, I think the OW is an easy target. When feelings are running high, it's tempting to blame the stranger when, of course, it's your husband who acted partioularly badly in deserting his family. It's also easy to be jealous that ExHs have made a nice new life for themselves if yours seems to be going backwards because of the break-up. I've since reconciled it that the OW did me a favour... if it hadn't been her, it would have been someone else. And ExH was a miserable arse anyway - I feel rather sorry for her. Not saying you should let the happy couple stay on this occasion, but your feelings may change if you look at things differently.

smoggii · 01/08/2011 14:47

I think you are being very reasonable to consider that on option and it speaks highly of your character.

For obvious reasons it is painful for you but you won't be there and the children will be staying with her when they go away. So it would be very gracious of you to offer.

It sounds like they do now have a stable relationship and whilst this must hurt, chances are she is going to be involved with your children as he is with hers, therefore you might have to have future contact with her and for your own sanity it would probably be best if that contact is positive.

Maybe offer but put in some ground rules, asking them to respect your privacy and understand that they are being allowed this for the benefit of your children.

Good luck x

zzzzz · 01/08/2011 15:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ledkr · 01/08/2011 15:24

Gosh poor you,i can really see your dilemma here,the question is,would it really benefit the children to stay there if it would then i guess you could do it but nobody could blame you for not.
My exh left me for ow whilst i was having breast cancer treatment and had an 8 month old,i have only just started to be ok with dd going there and thats because she had a baby so dd sibling. I will never be truly ok with either of them as i feel they were so cruel and disrespectfull towards me and the children.
I think having her in your home would be a massive intrusion for you.You sound lovely for even considering it.

Original poster
plainwhitet · 01/08/2011 16:23

oh poor you ledkr, nightmare.
Thanks so much for these, they express all the feelings I have.
Yes he did leave me for this OW and no I do not blame her as such but still have no desire to have any friendship type relationship with her.
You are right, itsraining, what you say is what I am feeling - its as if she would be taking over from me even in my own house. I cannot feel she has that strong a desire to see my girls, frankly (once in over a year?); she has her own teenagers and I expect the thought of my sn one is slightly frightening ...
cogito ergo, I think my feelings have changed and will change further : time does undoubtedly reduce the strength of angry type feelings , and in the future i will meet her, of course, but just do not want her here now.
Think I will say nothing and just see if he mentions it again before I go away on FRiday ...

OP posts:
ShoutyHamster · 01/08/2011 16:37

No.

There's no reason on earth why you should be ok with her coming into your home.

You have a good reason to dislike, distrust and absolutely not rate her in any way.

As for caring for your children... well, that's your ExH's job, yes? Not hers. So if he mentions her as having any role at all over the time you are away, you can say, no, she has no role. They are YOUR responsibility and your responsibility only. So maybe you should be concentrating on spending your time with them without any other distractions. Particularly after betraying them the way you have.

If I were you I would far prefer that she were nowhere near them, given the person she so clearly is.

NonnoMum · 01/08/2011 16:45

Ohhh, let the poor dear stay! Leave petals on the bed for them. And bake them fresh crossaints in the morning...!

But seriously, still too raw. Say no. No reasons to give.

LineRunner · 01/08/2011 17:07

No.

This is your ex's issue to sort out, not yours. It's his partner who needs somewhere [else] to stay, not yours.

Your home, your sanctum.

Pelagia · 01/08/2011 17:07

Your Ex needs to make his home suitable for his DD to visit. It may be expensive or time consuming but quite frankly thats his problem. She is his daughter ffs and he should be able to welcome her into his home, otherwise he is shutting her out of a massive part of his life.

Presumably your DD was using a wheelchair at the time that your Ex decided to leave? So he made his choice in the full knowledge that he would need to create a suitable home for DD to be able to visit.

Original poster
plainwhitet · 01/08/2011 18:15

Yes Pelagia, she has used wheelchair for nine years. Home of OW is a beautiful old converted mill type house; he says totally impossible for wheelchair; has been on market for nearly a year no takers; I am told they have now reduced the price ; after the sale OW apparently will buy a house suitable for my daughter to visit. am not holding breath . Till then Ex has to visit here which has the small consolation for the girls as not being a massive change when he visits as he used to work away and only here at weekends anyway. The fact that we live in a shall we say well lived in bungalow is another reason tbh why I do not want her here. Prefer to remain a woman of mystery ...

OP posts:
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