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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to invite EX H's OW to my house?

47 replies

plainwhitet · 01/08/2011 12:22

H left me and the two DDs almost exactly a year ago. Traumatic of course. I have never met OW; girls have met her once last October but are seeing her for four days next week when H takes them to London for a bit of a holiday. Problem is that H cannot see girls anywhere other than here, at my (of course, technically our)house because DD2 is physically disabled, electric wheelchair, which cannot get into OW's house. In London staying in adapted hotel. I am away for the next two weeks. It would be kind and nice of me to say to H, would you like to bring OW here (plus son poss) while I am away. She would have to stay (distances).
The problem is I really do NOT want her here, for all the obvious reasons most of us would probably imagine.
Should I bite the bullet and invite her? Am I being unreasonable not to?
He asked if she could come in the Easter hols and I said no, which he was pretty cross about. Felt not obliged to give any reasons.
Have not asked DDs their opinions (they are teenagers) as do not want them involved in my emotions on this one.
Should point out H has visited us at least twice a month for a weekend for a year so now feel fairly immune to him but this just seems a step too far ...
WWYD?

OP posts:

Blu · 01/08/2011 18:22

It is good (and right) that OW is prepared to sell her house and buy one which is accessible to your dd, and that she is wanting to do all she can to ensure that your ex sees as much as poss of his dds.
But until you feel completely comfortable / blase about it, it is reasonable that that includes not staying with ex on your house for the time being.

Be honest with your ex - tell him it is a dilemma for you and you appreciate what it means for them all, but at the moment it is still way too soon to have her staying en famille in you house.

zzzzz · 01/08/2011 18:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TidyDancer · 01/08/2011 18:38

No fucking way would I want her in my house! YANBU.

HerHissyness · 01/08/2011 18:41

Hell would have to freeze over before I let an OW, any OW, into my home.

You don't have to give any explanation, your home is your home.

SkipToTheEnd · 01/08/2011 18:59

Has he mentioned it to you?

If he hasn't I'd be suspicious he's just planning to bring her there without asking.

If he doesn't bring it up then I would simply say, at the last possible moment, something along the lines of ' I'm glad you've not pushed again for OW to stay this time. I appreciate you being so understanding about how uncomfortable it would make me feel to have her in the house at the moment.'

HerHissyness · 01/08/2011 19:05

I'd be fitting some HEFTY locks on the house too...

sayithowitis · 01/08/2011 19:12

If you are not ready, you are not ready and that's that. My parents separated and then divorced nearly 40 years ago because my DDad left to be with OW. Although they remained together for the rest of his life, and though they met at family occasions, such as weddings, my mum could never face having OW in her home. So she was never invited. When my DDad wanted to see us he came alone. Of course, later on, once adults, we went to him so it wasn't an issue. You need to have somewhere that is 'yours', where you feel 'safe' from her and that place is your home. if she doesn't like it, tough.

bubblesincoffee · 01/08/2011 19:15

Do you trust him to keep her away if you say no?

He may well do it anyway.

I would say no, don't let her. But if he is still paying for the house, I'm not sure you have a right to say no really. Harsh as that it.

Original poster

plainwhitet · 01/08/2011 19:57

i do yes, bubbles, trust him not to bring her if I say no.
but skip to the end your suggestion is BRILLiant as it had crossed my mind he might just do it this time so I will pre empt as you describe.
If they are going to stay together for years /for ever then there is plenty of time for polite relations but for now I feel no relations are the best for me.

OP posts:

bubblesincoffee · 01/08/2011 21:22

That's something good then - that you can trust him to respect your wishes I mean.

You sound like you have the situation spot on, if they are going to be together for ages, there is plenty of time for the niceties. If they aren't, it's not worth the heartache.

pumpkincarver · 01/08/2011 21:40

YANBU you should say no bloody way! OW shouldn't even step into your home, she should stay elsewhere.

And what Pelagia said.

ivykaty44 · 01/08/2011 21:47

No I wouldn't bite the bullet and let her stay over. I feel this would send very mixed messages to your dd's and that it is saying to your dd's that well possibly you approve of their father having an affair and then leaving. it could send this message or it could send the message that you are a walk over.

it is also possible that your dd's wouldn't like this woman staying in their home with their mother, they may not say anything but sometimes off spring do like to keep things in boxes and mixing the two boxes may not be actually what they want.

these of course are my own opinions and I have experianced similar and its not the shock fact of allowing OW to stay - I had OW over the first xmas and am now friends with OW but she has a sibling to my two and is now also divorced. Sometimes though it is better all round i feel to not bite the bullet and instead draw some strong meaningful boundaries

Tryharder · 01/08/2011 21:51

I don't understand why he can;t look after his DDs without his girlfriend being there. What is wrong with these people? Why would she even want to come??? [boggles]

HipHopOpotomus · 01/08/2011 21:54

I too think a year is too soon esp if he left you for her. Maybe next summer if you feel up to it but YANBU to not invite her this summer. Don't feel responsible!!

reelingintheyears · 01/08/2011 22:45

YANBU.

Good grief....what is wrong with people that they don't realise the hurt they cause.

And then they want you to forgive and forget?

I'd never let an OW over the doorstep.

Unless they had met years after i'd split with DP.

Your ex has to make his own arrangements for OW.

reelingintheyears · 01/08/2011 22:48

Oh...and he is cross that you don't want the ow in your home?

Cheeky bugger.

It's not his home anymore.

Rhinestone · 01/08/2011 22:50

Oh god, NO WAY should she be allowed over your threshold. Absolutely not, would be a complete invasion in many senses.

Stand firm - his problem that he created when he left you for her. Choices have consequences and this is a consequence.

reelingintheyears · 01/08/2011 22:51

This makes me cross.

He wants a Woman that you don't know and have never met to stay in your home while you are not even there?

Someone who he cheated on you with?

She might be looking forward to snooping through all your (his old) stuff/photos etc.

NOOOO.

FreudianSlipper · 01/08/2011 23:07

i totally understand you not wanting her to stay at your house, your home

but i would insist on meeting my ex's partner if they were taking ds away, i want to know who he is with and of course he should be making his new home accessible for his daughter

iscream · 02/08/2011 00:45

I would not allow her in my home.

HairyBeaver · 02/08/2011 08:27

I would be worried that he will bring her regardless of your decision tbh.

And no I would not want her there, so you are definitly not BU

EdwardorEricCantDecide · 02/08/2011 08:43

i wouldn't let her stay either, i wouldn't have a problem with her staying in local B&B but if you're going away i wouldn't trust that she'd stay there, H would probably just have her overnight and not tell you, IMO

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