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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think DP should want to come out with me?

38 replies

iamamilkmachine · 29/07/2011 18:55

We have a 14 month old and have been invited to one of my friend's weddings next weekend. Because I'm still breastfeeding we don't have much time out together and so I was excited to be going out to a social event where he can have a drink and where we could take DD. Tonight I asked if he was looking forward to going and he made a big fuss and said he doesn't want to go, so now it'll just be me and DD. I understand he'll only know me there and will feel a bit uncomfortable, but I only know the bride and her sister in law.
Sorry for the rant-just a lot peeved off!

OP posts:
Zimm · 29/07/2011 19:00

He expects you to go to a wedding alone, manage your 14 months old all day while he presumably enjoys a child free day sitting on his arse? YANBU. He is your partner and should accompany you to weddings, that is just life. Or offer to take your DD for at least some of the day so you can let your hair down. At 14 months she can presumably manage a reasonable gap between feeds?

Original poster
iamamilkmachine · 29/07/2011 19:04

She can go about 10 hours during the day when I'm not there. DP lost his job two weeks ago and so I've gone from working 16 hours to doing 38 hours a week since then to pay for things. As I'm not seeing DD much I wanted a day with the three of us and just feel like he's said he doesn't want time with me! I know I'm probably overreacting but I thought he'd make an effort this once.

OP posts:
wicketkeeper · 29/07/2011 19:08

How very rude. If you are invited to a wedding, and there is no unavoidable reason for not going, then you go. End of. Even if you don't know anyone. What, does your DH only go places where he knows people?? How does he cope when you go on holiday? And he'll feel a little uncomfortable - but hasn't thought, apparently, about how uncomfortable you'll feel being there sans DH when everyone else who has a partner will have their partner there. Have words.

Original poster
iamamilkmachine · 29/07/2011 19:27

He actually does only go to places he knows people - unless he can get out of them. He is a bit of a hermit. Have told him I'm upset about it and his response was "Well what do you expect? It's not going to be much fun for me is it?" Confused

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 29/07/2011 19:30

tell him to get a fucking grip.

he is an adult. i am sure he can cope for a few hours ata wedding receptiom

or does he expect you to live a hermit life too, or only ever do things without him?

he's being a prize arse

beatofthedrum · 29/07/2011 19:33

He's being selfish. He should definitely go to support you. You'll have each other to talk to. Tell him he's being really unfair!

TigerseyeMum · 29/07/2011 19:37

Is he depressed? He lost his job 2 weeks ago, and doesn't really like going places with people he doesn't know?

That would be a red flag for me. It's very easy to have your routine and world turned upside down when you go from work to home life. People often find they lose a sense of routine, find it easy to do nothing all day then feel down and withdraw. Sounds like maybe he has done that.

Original poster
iamamilkmachine · 29/07/2011 19:38

It's not the first time he's done this, he leaves me alone for most family events and he's never met most of my friends as he won't come out with them and just hides in his gaming room if they come over. I'm just about reaching my limit as he's shoving the it in my face that he's babysitting (DD is not DP's) while I work to pay our rent and bills.

OP posts:
Original poster
iamamilkmachine · 29/07/2011 19:39

Tigerseye - he has always been like this in the 5 years I've been friends with him, he lost the job after being there 4 weeks and was happy to be fired as he hated it. He does have depressive tendencies but I feel like this time he's just being selfish.

OP posts:
TigerseyeMum · 29/07/2011 19:43

He does sound depressed tbh. He may well be being selfish too but that may because he feels crap about himself, his life and his prospects if he hated his last job so much.

Maybe you need to talk to him about what's bothering him? He sounds resentful, which might indicate he is feeling insecure and threatened. I bet he hates the thought that you are working and being the breadwinner and he is 'the babysitter'. Maybe?

Nagini · 29/07/2011 19:45

I expect you to come to the wedding and let me enjoy some time out, with you and our daughter.

Original poster
iamamilkmachine · 29/07/2011 19:47

We talk all the time - he is resentful of the fact that I am now, and have been since returning to work from maternity leave, the main earner. He also has issues with me not letting DD call him daddy (we got together while I was pregnant) but I feel this is for DD to decide. I know he can be depressed at times but I'm wanting to know if it's normal for someone to think it's right for there partner to have to go to a wedding alone just because they don't feel like going.

OP posts:
Zimm · 29/07/2011 19:57

No it isn;t normal for someone to have to go to a wedding alone just because their partner does not feel like going. He is being selfish.

TigerseyeMum · 29/07/2011 20:01

Is it normal? Well, people live their lives differently - my OH has been to visit his family for a weekend before now on his on because I have not wanted to go with him. I have been to family funerals on my own because he has not wanted to go.

In the end it's the communication that's important - if it bothered my OH that I didnt want to go he would say something, if it was important to me for him to do something I would expect him to take it on board.

If he knows it is that important to you and he still says 'he doesn't feel like it' then yes, it is a problem.

Original poster
iamamilkmachine · 29/07/2011 20:34

He does know and he is still saying that it would be a hardship for him to go. May just force DD to stay awake longer and dance with me!

OP posts:
ChaoticAngelofGryffindor · 29/07/2011 20:36

He's being selfish. Are you invited to the full day?

Original poster
iamamilkmachine · 29/07/2011 20:45

Yep, well the church ceremony is at 3 and children are invited for the full day up until the end. As well as the whole not coming issue it's the fact that I'm working overtime until 2, getting ready in the loo at work in 10 mins then have to bus everywhere as I don't drive and can hardly splash on taxis when there's only me working. Could have really done with the support!

OP posts:
Original poster
iamamilkmachine · 29/07/2011 20:46

Just realised how whiney I sound!! Blush

OP posts:
ChaoticAngelofGryffindor · 29/07/2011 21:25

So not only is he letting you down but the bride and groom have paid for a meal as well which he's now not going to be there to eat.

You're not whiney btw, you're are, understandably, feeling let down.

LineRunner · 30/07/2011 16:25

You open your post with 'We have a 14 month year old'.

But you then say 'He also has issues with me not letting DD call him daddy (we got together while I was pregnant) but I feel this is for DD to decide'.

I'm not surprised the bloke's ambivalent, tbh.

LadyThumb · 30/07/2011 16:37

It sounds to me as though he feels alienated from you and your DD.

LineRunner · 30/07/2011 16:43

Yes, I think so too. Would you introduce your DD as 'my daughter' or 'our daughter'?

Does the bride know your DP as your DD's father figure or as your BF?

Maybe he's feeling terribly left out.

Original poster
iamamilkmachine · 30/07/2011 19:20

Both DP and myself feel like DD is our daughter, yet I don't think it's fair to bring her up living a lie. He does not feel alienated - we do speak to each other about these things - all I wanted was an opinion on whether it was normal for a partner to refuse to go to a wedding because it wouldn't be fun for him.
The bride knows the full situation - I do not hide it, he is fine with people knowing the truth and tells people about it himself.

OP posts:
GotArt · 30/07/2011 19:38

Leave DD with him; go by yourself and have a good time.

Grin

LineRunner · 30/07/2011 19:51

Well then I'm afraid I have no idea why he doesn't want to go with you, as there doesn't seem to be a reason that you are able to think of.