Argument with wife

[dangalf]

hi - looking to get a female perspective on this. The argument seems to have now spiralled out of all proportion.

We have a 3 week baby girl. I have stated in the past that a) I don;t particularly like dummies and b) certainly don't want DD using one until at least a month old.

Anyway,the MIL is down visiting. The 3 of us were having dinner when my wife said something along the lines of 'Oh no, she's going to give us away' while looking at baby. I asked her what she meant and she admitted to giving DD a pacifier earlier in the day. I didn't say anything as obv didn't want to make a scene with her mum there. So, I carried on eating. However, conversation took a downturn, leading to some awkward silence. She now blames me for creating an atmosphere, being mean to her mother and says that it is unforgivable.

I said that I was upset because she knew I didn't want dummy, certainly until a monh old, and that she went ahead and did it anyway. I fear that my input is being ignored.

Anyway, we ignored each other for most of last night. we have now had ongoing text argument over it - with each of us becoming more entrenched in our argument. She now wants me to cancel BBQ (with friends and family) tomorrow. I refused as it is late notice and I don't want to ring around saying we are not doing it becuase of a fight. Especially as I think if it is still going on tomorrow that is ridiculous.

I think we're probably both being a bit unreasonable but feel backed in to a corner as it is always me who has to apologise and clear the air in these situations and I want her to acknowledge atleast that my say should hold some sway in the way we bring up DS.

Anyway, I'm prepared to accept it if the jury finds me in the wrong.

I don't like dummys. However, in the seven weeks since my DD was born, I have learnt many things. One of the most important is not to cling on to your ideas formed before you had children about how it 'should' be, and to adjust to the reality instead. I occasionally give my DD a dummy for an hr in the early evening when she is usually a bit unsettled but not actually in need of anything but the comfort provided by sucking- allowing me to eat my dinner. I'm sure you and your wife are learning all kinds of things about your baby girl and her personality and preferences.

It does say somewhere in the stack of reading material you get that if you are intending to BF not to offer dummys/bottles in the month or until feeding is well established. Is this where the 1 month rule comes in?

Anyway, the dummy thing sounds like a silly thing to argue about. Of course you should make decisions together about your daughter's upbringing, but go easy on your wife over it. You are both trying to do what is best for you DD.

You should both know better than to carry on a 'text arguement' over it. Were you mean to her mother? If your wife it anything like me 3weeks after giving birth, she will be extremely sensitive. Be the first to apologise, reassure her she is doing a good job, and promise that she won't have to lift a finger for this BBQ. Give it plenty of time to blow over, then pick your moment carefully and have a chat about making joint decisions, and explain why you were upset about the dummy. It might always be you that apologises first, but this time it is probably worth it. Just my opinion, hope you get it sorted soon.

Congratulations on your baby girl by the way!

Your views on bringing up your daughter are important, but from the sound of things your wife is the one at home all day with a demanding baby, and she cracked and gave her a dummy one whole week before you wanted. This doesn't mean that your input is being ignored. I don't particularly like dummies but occasionally, when one of the DCs has been attached to my nipple for hours, I've tried one out. Perhaps I was ignoring my own input? (As it happens, none of them particularly like dummies either so that never went anywhere).

Saying in advance "I know we weren't planning to give DD a dummy, but [problem situation] so I think I'd like to try one out this week and see how she takes to it" would have been better than telling you about it defensively after the fact. You're in that difficult new parent phase; you are back at work and expected to carry on much as before but you have this huge new responsibility for your DD and want to be involved there, while she is (at least temporarily) detached from most of her previous existence (work and social) and probably feels as though all she does is look after DD. So you feel divorced from what's going on at home and if your wife doesn't do things the way you want you feel more pushed out and uninvolved, whereas her identity is tied up in motherhood at the moment and she is likely to feel undermined as "looking after DD is what I do and if he can't even trust me to make the decisions on how to do that, what else have I got?"

Then you both overreacted big-time to the initial disagreement. This isn't uncommon with a small baby when you are both tired and adjusting to new roles.

I would probably take a line with your wife along the lines of "I am sorry if it sounded as though I was trying to dictate to you what you should do. I accept that I don't know what it's like to look after DD all day every day. But I'd like to know more about how your days are going, and I felt left out that you hadn't talked to me before about whatever it was that made you think DD ought to try a dummy."

And try to step up communication. If you don't already, just a simple phone call at lunchtime every day to see how her day is going can make a big difference. I can remember in the early weeks with our first child I felt quite trapped and if I was having a bad day letting DH know about it made a big difference for some reason.

Pick your fights this one isn't important, it makes absolutely no difference if the baby has a dummy one week earlier than you wanted or not.

She has only given birth three weeks ago, she will still be fragile, cut her some slack, she's probably exhausted.

YOu are in agreement on the most important thing, that you both want what is best for your baby.

Why are you hung up on the baby not getting a dummy for a month, that one confuses me.

It is very trivial. Lots more will crop up over the next 18yrs. I would make up and agree that you will back each other up in front of others, especially the DC, and discuss in in private afterwards.

Sorry, but whilst you should OF COURSE have equal say in the way your child is brought up, the reality is that for the parent at home with the baby, the everyday stuff becomes their job, they become the expert and I do actually think they should have the final say on stuff like this. The reality is that while you're there, you can take the burden equally - but when you're in work, your DW has sole care and has the right to find the way which works for her. Unless there really is a very good reason, you don't get to issue edicts on how she gets to do what is actually her job right now :)

I would however have more sympathy if it weren't for the one month thing. Why?! Surely the negative thing about dummies is the getting it off them - if you're going to give one at some point, it makes no difference. To be honest I suspect this is a big part of the reason your wife went behind your back - 'no dummy, I disapprove of the idea' is one thing - plenty of folk would agree. But 'no dummy for 1 month' seems fairly random. She clearly didn't respect this point of view.

So I would say more talking necessary in general, and when you differ in viewpoint, I really think you both have to be prepared to back up your opinions with some good solid reasons, in order for both of you to feel as if you're having a genuine two-way, respectful discussion on what to do for the best. Secondly, it may not feel very fair (especially when you don't actually want to be at work and missing out on the early days) but having sole care week after week on ML can be tough and lonely - and the last thing someone needs is to feel dictated to. Your wife is the main carer now - for it to be a good experience for both her and the baby, she needs to be supported in doing things in the way which works best for her. She needs to be respected as the expert when it comes to what happens when she is in sole care. Without that, PND is more likely.

With regards the dummy issue and the time set - I dislike them and was initially of the mind that I didn't think she should have one at all. however, after talking, and by way of compromise we agreed to wait at least a month until trying the dummy. The 1 month figure is because in several books it says not to give baby a dummy for first month and while establishing breastfeeding. So not a random figure. So, I felt I had already compromised quite a lot from my viewpoint. however, I do believe in compromise and i appreciate that I am not caring for her during the day.

Dan, there is nothing wrong at all about having an opinion on what is and isn't right for your baby. It's admirable. And I'd be pissed too if I felt my input was being ignored. If the mother in law was in on it too at diner, I'd also feel pissed off at that.

Solution ? Make the peace. Discuss your feelings about the matter and move on.

If you were posting that you'd bought the dummy against your wife's wishes I guarantee you, you would be crucified on here.

I would discuss it and move on. I wouldn't read books! Theory is all very well, but it doesn't always work in practice. I hated dummies-gave in and got one and DS wouldn't have it anyway!

dangalf, i just want to say that i know my dh had worries when he went back to work after two weeks off with our dd. let me assure you that she is about to turn 10 and is a complete daddy's girl still. your lovely baby will always have a very special bond with you, you are what she will base her expectations of the male species on. i am sure you will be an amazing dad and will have many lovely times with your dd, dummy or no.

dangalf in terms of 'losing the bond' you've established, I can (almost) guarantee that if you get home from work and immediately offer to take the baby over for an hour or sort out a bath for them or whatever the routine is (provided you don't get home at feed time) you will be a) greatly appreciated and b) have some 'you' time with the baby (whilst your wife can have some space herself). I suppose a Super Dad might be able to make supper with one hand at the same time with baby in a sling... but that might be pushing it a bit far

Dangalf, you do know that dummies reduce the risk of cot death don't you?

I would say that she is the one who is breastfeeding, not you, so if she needs some respite physically by using the dummy, then she gets to make the decision here.

I used to wish my DC's would take dummies (both of them spat them out and refused to have anything to do with them).

Is the breastfeeding going OK? Did she feel she needed to use a dummy because of BF probs? If so, loads of good advice on here if she needs to talk about it.

YABU. Your DW will still be feeling very tired and fragile. I know that I was when my DD's were only 3 weeks old. She needs support from you. Yes giving your DD a dummy behind your back was a bit unreasonable but she probably needed a break and found that it helped comfort your DD. So go home and apologise.and either cancel the BBQ or do it all your self and not expect your DW to do it. Hosting a BBQ with a 3 week old will be hard for your DW. Actually I think it will
Be hard in both of you can any of the family help?

aww, glad you're on the way to mending this, OP.

We were anti-dummy too, but our baby was a very sucky little boy, (even my rabidly anti-dummy mother suggested one!) and he had one from the age of about 3 weeks to about 6 months, when we did a bit of sleep training and chucked them out on the sly. He hasn't missed them, and he doesn't suck thumb or fingers (he's 1 now). I had a horrible time giving up thumb sucking aged around nine, and had to have braces, etc. It might be that a dummy can actually be a good thing. Over here (America) they suggest getting rid of them when your baby starts getting teeth (often around the same time they stop being suck-crazed, 4-7 months old), and it wasn't hard for us.

So long-winded way of saying a dummy might not be that big of a deal. I thought it was the beginning of the end but actually it was a bit of a lifeline. Oh, and he was (and is) breastfed. Dummy not a problem there- if he was hungry he spat it out and bawled.

Without meaning to be rude this really is a storm in a teacup mate.

A dummy at this age isnt an issue at all. The key is to stop them using it before it affects their teeth. This is where the real problem lies.

You will probably disagree a thousand times over a thousand things before your daughter's first birthday so it's wise to focus on the bigger picture on how to compromise when you disagree rather than on the dummy itself.

Hope that makes sense.

Congratulations on your DD,

Haven't read the whole post, but this is really not worth 2 day of arguing over, bear in mind your DW had a baby recently so will be hormonal, and it's a very big change for both of you.

I was completely anti dummy when I had DD and we had a few days when she was about 4 weeks old where she was just using me as a comfort and not to actually feed. We gave her a dummy and that helped. We got rid of it just when she was about 2.5 - no real problems.

Personally when thinking about getting rid of it, I think it's better to have a few nights where they want it than 12 years of thumbsucking.

Dangalf, I just wanted to say how nice it was that you had read some books and had an opinion about your DD. Going back to work is horrible (my DH always finds it very very hard for the first few weeks) - Good for you that you have offered an olive branch.

From your point of view having her Mum and her do something that you had a;ready compromised on is actually quite hurtful - the dummy isn't really the issue it is more about having discussed something and come to what you thought was a compromise she went ahead and did it anyway - that would piss me off too. Also nice one for not losing it in front of her Mother.

Like everyone has said not worth falling out over but I agree you should point out to her when she is a bit calmer and further away form having given birth that it hurt your feelings when your opinion was ignored.

Everyone here always goes on about how hard it is for women after they have a baby, the recovery the hormones and all but it is very hard for Fathers too because then they have to go away and back to work and leave their new family after only a little while. Please don't worry about the bonding thing, this little girl is for the rest of your life and if she is anything like any of my DC's they absolutely adore their Daddy even though I do all the dog work [mug emoticon!]

dangalf I was set against dummies and he was only going to have breast milk, then I got eclampsia nearly lost my life, days in intensive care, was exhausted, I couldn't breast feed I was on too many drugs and pretty much out of it for days.

When I was out of the woods I was so exhausted I was glad to shove the dummy in.

You sounds like a great Dad, just enjoy these precious years.

It's not so much the dummy which is the issue here, rather that you feel your opinion has been ignored.

YANBU if you are feeling sidelined and you should explain this to your wife. You need to come to a compromise over the dummy issue. It will be the first of many compromises I can assure you!

Go to your wife and explain how you feel and apologise for the atmosphere over dinner.

So you decree no dummy should be given and then go to work for the day.

Meanwhile your (exhausted/hormonal) wife listens to a baby crying for 4 weeks when she knows that a dummy would settle her?

I would have told you where to go straight away then there would have been no 'deceit' which admittedly isn't very healthy in a relationship.

Your mistake here was thinking you could set the rules!! Some babies are pretty mellow and just go with the flow. Others will scream down the house unless there is something in their mouth. Your wife can't permanently have a baby attached to her boob, or her finger in her mouth. Unless you are the one dealing with a screaming child who isn't hungry or windy or wet you will have to trust your wifes judgement on the matter.

It's only a dummy, not worth having a fight over.

I loath dummies and swore no child of mine would ever have one - until I developed a blood blister on my nipple.
Is your wife breastfeeding OP?

Throw the books away! Honestly you will both find your own way which suits your dd's needs and personality and you will start to feel guilty it thinking you are doing it wrong if you have the 'experts' in your mind!

With my eldest I was full of expectations including no dummy, this soon changed!

spend a day with a crying baby and you are likely to change your mind over pacifiers. you wife is still recovering from the birth, not sure if she is bf but that can be exhausting, her hormones are all over the place and at times you just want them to be quiet for a few minutes to think straight

her mother can understand that better than anyone, it was not that you was being ignored she jsut decided to do what was best at that time

there will be times when you make decisions and not inform you wife because it will be done on what matters then

kiss and make up, this time really is special a young baby is so dependent on you and will pick up on tensions. it all special and it all rushes by quicker than you can ever imagine and this will so not matter in a few weeks time

Don't waste your time fighting over a dummy.

Before I had a baby I didn't believe in them. However, once I had my first baby I totally changed my mind. Dummies can help to soothe a baby. I don't know what the big deal is in waiting until the baby is one month old before using one.

If it helps to calm your baby down go ahead and use one. It's far better than getting stressed over a crying baby.

It's also worth remembering that it is far better that a baby uses a dummy than sucks their fingers because at least you can remove a dummy when they get older unlike their fingers/thumbs!

Dummies also don't cause speech problems. It is insulting when people assume this.