hi - looking to get a female perspective on this. The argument seems to have now spiralled out of all proportion.
We have a 3 week baby girl. I have stated in the past that a) I don;t particularly like dummies and b) certainly don't want DD using one until at least a month old.
Anyway,the MIL is down visiting. The 3 of us were having dinner when my wife said something along the lines of 'Oh no, she's going to give us away' while looking at baby. I asked her what she meant and she admitted to giving DD a pacifier earlier in the day. I didn't say anything as obv didn't want to make a scene with her mum there. So, I carried on eating. However, conversation took a downturn, leading to some awkward silence. She now blames me for creating an atmosphere, being mean to her mother and says that it is unforgivable.
I said that I was upset because she knew I didn't want dummy, certainly until a monh old, and that she went ahead and did it anyway. I fear that my input is being ignored.
Anyway, we ignored each other for most of last night. we have now had ongoing text argument over it - with each of us becoming more entrenched in our argument. She now wants me to cancel BBQ (with friends and family) tomorrow. I refused as it is late notice and I don't want to ring around saying we are not doing it becuase of a fight. Especially as I think if it is still going on tomorrow that is ridiculous.
I think we're probably both being a bit unreasonable but feel backed in to a corner as it is always me who has to apologise and clear the air in these situations and I want her to acknowledge atleast that my say should hold some sway in the way we bring up DS.
Anyway, I'm prepared to accept it if the jury finds me in the wrong.
AIBU?
Argument with wife
dangalf · 29/07/2011 15:17
Haven't read all the pages, sorry, but, notwithstanding that you may feel your nose is out of joint OP (fair enough - though I think the dummy may be a red herring)
hang on, saying a lot of things there...
...the most important thing is that your wife has just had a baby and will be all over the place with hormones, exhaustion etc. Having a running battle for an entire day could send her over the edge. You need to be totally at her side, totally supporting her - if she says jump you ask how high (within reason!).
I think some people have already said that she is the one at home doing the job and tbh you have to defer to her and what she has deemed appropriate. The exchange at the dinner table sounded quite gentle to me - she brought it up obliquely and light-heartedly, knowing you wouldn't like it, but it doesn't look like she anticipated it could lead to WW3.
She could so seriously do without this OP. Also the BBQ 3 weeks after the birth of your baby?? 
. oh my gosh, there is no way I would've been able to do that with any of my kids. Cancel it, tell everybody you were a twit to not realise the massive upheaval a new baby can bring - everyone will perfectly understand (and lots of them would have been mumbling to themselves that it was a bit unrealistic to arrange it in the first place, so soon after the birth).
Really, you can't be arguing like this over every bump in the road. I appreciate that you may be feeling pushed out somehow - and that is something to address, but further down the road. In the meantime, take the high road and support your wife.
Some highway analogies going on there 
HOpe it gets sorted out and you can both enjoy your lovely baby. Congratulations Dad, btw.
Sorry but dd was just reading over my shoulder and asked what the funny faces were. She MADE me add this. I am too soft.
One more thing about the going behind your back thing - is that the right way to see it? What should she have done? Phoned you up at work, interrupted you in a meeting to consult about this, as the baby had been fed but was screaming and her nipples were sore? I think she felt a bit guilty about not consulting you (hence joking about it) but she really doesn't need to IMO - she should have just told you that she'd made an executive decision as you weren't there.
And there's the big issue here: If you want equal decision-making power, then you need to do equal parenting. And that's where our society and workplace, is structured to thwart you and decent fathers like you; paternity leave is shit and lots of employers are still deeply hostile to men taking part time or flexible hours. But at the risk of thinking too far ahead here, you obviously are a very involved and concerned father and want to be involved with your DC's life - so now might be the time to start considering how you and your DW can organise your work-lives, so that you get to spend as much time with your DC('s) in the future as she does; then that way, you get as a big a say in how they're parented, as her. But if you don't facilitate that (by working from home one day a week, doing the school run three days a week, etc - whatever works for you, your employer and your family), then you'll find these sorts of situations crop up again and again, where her greater time spent parenting, gives her greater decision making rights -inevitably. If you (and your DW) don't want that, you need to start thinking about how to avoid falling into that trap round about now-ish.
But I'm running ahead now, so will just say enjoy your baby and being a father. 
Next year you will look back and laugh that you were both getting worked up about it. 
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Velveteen that was a bit harsh I think we just have a case of over anxious new father here.My advice is ditch the books as much as possible,your baby has not read the book.
Also I am sorry but I just cannot get my head around you hosting a barbecue when your dd is only 3 weeks .If my dh had wanted to do this I would have lynched him to be honest ,very bad idea please cancel if your dw is not feeing up to it I cannot think of anything more pressurising.Weekends should be about spending time together at this time and quite frankly catching up on her sleep whilst you are around to take dd not madly socialising.
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I too loathe dummies - particularly when you see 3 year olds out and about in town with them. So I can totally understand where you're coming from.
BUT, as others have said, if your DW is the one at the chalk face, trying to cope with a screaming newborn, then I reckon she has the casting vote. Both of mine ended up with them and I reckon it just about saved all our sanity. They were only ever used in the house and, as they got a bit older, at bedtime to settle. Was too 
to be seen out in public using them. Remember too that whilst there are ways to bribe withdraw the dummy, if they find their thumbs, you're stuck and that looks even worse, to my mind.
As pfb parents, we read a few books too, but we agreed in advance that we would not follow any one doctrine and wait to see what sort of baby we got landed with. Books are all well and good, but some of the advice needs to be taken with a large pinch of salt, according to your gut instinct and your baby's. We went with the flow, and made it up as we went along. We all survived. And I wouldn't count the dummy debate as a child-raising issue. It's more of a sanity-saver.
Hope you're getting some sleep.
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