Argument with wife

[dangalf]

hi - looking to get a female perspective on this. The argument seems to have now spiralled out of all proportion.

We have a 3 week baby girl. I have stated in the past that a) I don;t particularly like dummies and b) certainly don't want DD using one until at least a month old.

Anyway,the MIL is down visiting. The 3 of us were having dinner when my wife said something along the lines of 'Oh no, she's going to give us away' while looking at baby. I asked her what she meant and she admitted to giving DD a pacifier earlier in the day. I didn't say anything as obv didn't want to make a scene with her mum there. So, I carried on eating. However, conversation took a downturn, leading to some awkward silence. She now blames me for creating an atmosphere, being mean to her mother and says that it is unforgivable.

I said that I was upset because she knew I didn't want dummy, certainly until a monh old, and that she went ahead and did it anyway. I fear that my input is being ignored.

Anyway, we ignored each other for most of last night. we have now had ongoing text argument over it - with each of us becoming more entrenched in our argument. She now wants me to cancel BBQ (with friends and family) tomorrow. I refused as it is late notice and I don't want to ring around saying we are not doing it becuase of a fight. Especially as I think if it is still going on tomorrow that is ridiculous.

I think we're probably both being a bit unreasonable but feel backed in to a corner as it is always me who has to apologise and clear the air in these situations and I want her to acknowledge atleast that my say should hold some sway in the way we bring up DS.

Anyway, I'm prepared to accept it if the jury finds me in the wrong.

[GandTiceandaslice]

Child 1 & 2, no dummy required. Child 3. When dh went home after I'd goven birth & said, bring back some dummies!
Some children are suckier than others

[Mobly]

I am wondering why she felt the need to lie to you- maybe because of how you react to things that you don't agree with?

You sound controlling to me. Try and be kind to your wife and not make this very difficult/tiring time any harder for her. It's a dummy for heaven's sake- if your daughter is getting comfort from it and your wife is having an easier time then what is the problem?

Yes, your opinions are important but get some perspective. Have you told your wife what a fantastic job she is doing? Because that's what she needs to hear right now and not criticism where none is deserved.

[Marshmallowflump]

Oh you 2 are going through it aren't you?, Firstly you both must be worn out with a new born in the house, secondly it is such a HUGE change for you both.

My advice i( have a girl now all grown up, )try and talk and make a compromise together, a crying baby is such hard work and you are all tired enough and need all, your strength and energy to keep this wee one happy, dont worry you will both get there, sometimes these issues can get out of hand in the early days,better to smooth it out sooner rather than later, all the best to you all.

[alowVera]

IMO the argument of "do not use a dummy until breast feeding is established" is utter tosh flawed.

Dd1 dummy at 7 days, breast fed until 18months.
Dd2 dummy from 3 days, breast fed until 13mths.

Dd2 was also fed once a week with a bottle of either formula or ebm.

IMO, they know the difference. They are not going to accept a dummy when they are hungry, if it doesn't do milk they don't keep sucking it.

OP, don't stress over it, you are not the one home all day with a baby who is comfort sucking, imagine having a baby constantly attached to your breast, whilst dribbling milk out of the underside of their mouth because they're not actually hungry and when you stand up you could wring out your top.

OP, just relax and wait for the day that their little face lights up when you walk in the door, because daddy does the fun stuff with them, like baths and playing. And despite all the fab stuff that mum has done with them all day, you get the first laugh, the first grin, and the first word.

Because on that day you won't give a shit care whether DW gave DC has a dummy or not.

[carriedababi]

Tabu and a bit of a teat IMO


she will more than likely still be reaping from the birth. Hormones milk and blood all over the place


One baby's enough to deal with not 2! So grow up

[HerBeX]

Actually I would caution against assuming that being a father is just about doing the fun stuff, while Mummy does the shit-work of parenting.

If the OP does that, then he's not parenting equally and therefore won't have earned an equal say in parenting decisions. And he won't have been fair to his co-parent either.

[raspberryroop]

Honestly - if wife is brestfeeding - her choice as a dummy can stop constant comfort sucking in sucky babies.
If bottle and total co parenting - then you both need to discuss it
If bottle feeding and op works full time - have ago at your wife if your daughter still has the dummy at 3

The main thing I have lernt from MN is you have to do what works !