Argument with wife

[dangalf]

hi - looking to get a female perspective on this. The argument seems to have now spiralled out of all proportion.

We have a 3 week baby girl. I have stated in the past that a) I don;t particularly like dummies and b) certainly don't want DD using one until at least a month old.

Anyway,the MIL is down visiting. The 3 of us were having dinner when my wife said something along the lines of 'Oh no, she's going to give us away' while looking at baby. I asked her what she meant and she admitted to giving DD a pacifier earlier in the day. I didn't say anything as obv didn't want to make a scene with her mum there. So, I carried on eating. However, conversation took a downturn, leading to some awkward silence. She now blames me for creating an atmosphere, being mean to her mother and says that it is unforgivable.

I said that I was upset because she knew I didn't want dummy, certainly until a monh old, and that she went ahead and did it anyway. I fear that my input is being ignored.

Anyway, we ignored each other for most of last night. we have now had ongoing text argument over it - with each of us becoming more entrenched in our argument. She now wants me to cancel BBQ (with friends and family) tomorrow. I refused as it is late notice and I don't want to ring around saying we are not doing it becuase of a fight. Especially as I think if it is still going on tomorrow that is ridiculous.

I think we're probably both being a bit unreasonable but feel backed in to a corner as it is always me who has to apologise and clear the air in these situations and I want her to acknowledge atleast that my say should hold some sway in the way we bring up DS.

Anyway, I'm prepared to accept it if the jury finds me in the wrong.

For me Kurri, if the OPs DW thought a dummy would comfort her baby but knew the OP was against it, so she's been forced to go behind his back or sit and listen to her baby cry, which makes me a bit uncomfortable.

In essence, the OP's saying he's against the mum giving comfort to her baby, even though he might have very good reasons behind how he thinks, but are those reasons more important than his babys comfort?

My personal perspective is that I don't like dummies, and haven't used them at all...so far! (DD 23months, DS 11 weeks) but more importantly - what does your wife think about them?
You say that you have stated your opinions; what was her response?
Had you both agreed not to use them? Or was the discussion actually a bit one-sided?
You do, of course, have a say in how the child is brought up and cared for.

However, from the 'female' perspective...
you have a 3 week old baby. Your wife's hormones are still up in the air, so to speak. Don't take everything she says personally, do apologise, give her chocolate (well it would help me!), and when you're both loved up again, at a later date, calmly explain that her decision to use a dummy against your wishes made you feel...irrelevant.

Your wife probably feels under pressure from her mother too - and took the path of least resistance. Any decisions at this time are fraught with emotion - which is why things go spiralling out of control.

As a one-off, it won't have done any harm.

HTH

All babies like to suck, it comforts them and releases endorphins making them feel better and settle. If you don't give a dummy, chances are your baby will suck it's fingers or thumb, and the really naff thing about that is that you can't remove them when you feel your baby is old enough not to need them any more! Ds had a dummy, which, while I didn't like it, we did manage to exchange the dummies for a nice bribe toy the Christmas shortly after he turned 2. Dd would never have a dummy, sucked her fingers from being 2 weeks old and she is still sucking the bloody things now, age 5. How I wish she would have taken a dummy!
Anyhow, my advice is not to let something like this cause a big argument, parenting is all about making it up as you go along, and even more frequently, making decisions in desperation, or under duress from others. Your wife was probably faced with a fractious cranky baby, and turned to the more experienced mother beside her, ie, her own mum, and took her advice.

You're both unreasonable to be having a 2 day argument over a dummy!

Everything is so fraught and frazzled in the first few weeks with a new baby. Its not worth it

PS Congratulations on your DD! Enjoy the adventure of parenthood.

Please don't take this as a sign that your views on how to bring up your DD are not important.

Your DW was wrong to do it behind your back- but this is a small issue. Don't sweat the small stuff. Until 3 weeks ago, your DD was inside your DW, and it is tempting when she comes out to try to establish a similar bond with your DD by asserting control over what she does. Please try not to worry; you won't be pushed out.

I think it is very difficult for new fathers to establish their role in their children's lives, as it is a role which develops over a longer period of time than the mother's IME. In a few months' time when you have further established your relationship with your DD, you will laugh at the idea that you ever gave a flying fuck about whether or not she had a dummy.

Explain to your DW that it is not about the dummy, it is the not being involved which you are finding difficult. Then offer to look after DD while she has a sleep

The dummy is a red herring.

This is about how you solve parenting decisions when you have differing views. You need to back down on the dummy, apologise, and move on. This is too fraught a time to be digging your heels in over something so small.

Once the dust has settled, have a calm chat about how this incident made you feel, with no accusations or finger-pointing.

I'm not a fan of dummies, didn't give dd1 one, she's a terrible finger sucker even now at 6, dd2 had one for a while, dd3 won't touch one. With dd2 it was a life saver, and if your dd is 3 weeks old, she has only one week to go before she's a month! Sorry have I missed why you don't want her to have a dummy?

I take your point agentzigzag, - I think we're a bit lacking in details, -but you may very well be right. I was just slightly confused as to the relevance of MIL being there and suspected the DW might have been pressurised into the dummy. Just speculation though.

I'm not in favour of dummies personally, but I do agree that in the early days, principles sometimes have to go out of the window, its whatever gets you through the night and functioning the next day.

I do disagree with some of the answers suggesting the OP should have no say at all in his DD's upbringing (but also agree this isn't really a biggy)

AgentZigZag - that's rubbish! Plenty of babies don't have dummies, that doesn't mean they don't get any comfort!

There are ways of comforting babies that don't invlove making them suck on plastic!

Ok - well thanks for your replies. I think the act of writing it out was actually quite cathartic and made me gain some fresh perspective, as did your answers. So, I've texted (can't call whilst at work) an olive branch.

I won't go into my anti-dummy agenda! some is based on what I've read, some is pure prejudice. We had set a month as that was the earliest recommended time in a book I read. It was meant as a compromise position when we would assess whether she needed one.

I think we're both probably a little frazzled which exacerbated the situation. I'm also just recently back to work - and tbh I'm missing having the interaction I had with my DD in the first few weeks. I feel as though my bond with hermay diminish. Proabbly silly but that's just my feeling.

Anyway, hopefully this is remedied now. Thanks again.

Your bond with her will just grow and grow, I promise

She knew you were very against dummies before 1 month, which is probably why she didn't discuss it with you. Not much point when someone won't change their mind. And there's not much compromise to be had either. I think you need to be a touch more flexible. If your baby (DD or DS? You mention both in your OP!) is comforted by a dummy, isn't that a good thing?

I agree that you absolutely do have a say, that is not an unreasonable expectation. But you both need to go into these discussions with a more open mind and accept that some things may not "go your way" but are best for your baby.

As for ending the argument, I would go and give her a cuddle and ask to put it behind you. She's trying to do the best by your baby and not upset you at the same time, still recovering from birth and probably an emotional wreck (I know I was at that stage). I know it must be a pain if you always give in but now is not the time to make a point. Especially over something as small as dummy use.

Good luck with the BBQ. We held a BBQ when DS was 9 weeks and that was bad enough!

Oh, and throw the book away

Agree, I have 3dds, I don't get a look in when their dad is at home. Its a fantastic time if a little stressful Enjoy every minute.

Dangalf you sound like a lovely daddy - your DD is very lucky.

My DH wasn't especially close to DD when she was a baby - between maternity leave and breastfeeding, he didn't get much of a look in! They got closer and closer once she could play, walk and talk, and now she's 9 they have a great relationship.

In those early days it's like you're programmed to try and keep your baby happy and contented, so listening to them cry when you have something that might settle them would be a ridiculous state of affairs.

I disagree that the DW was in the wrong to give her baby the dummy tethers, I would give my distressed baby one if DH had told me not to, I would take more notice of the baby being upset than my DHs overblown principles over a bit of plastic.

Agree with your advice to throw the book away though

I don't want to jump down your throat about this because you are obviously a sensitive bloke who loves his wife and wants to be a good father and you may be feeling a bit sidelined. That said, I think in this case YAB a bit U. Bottom line, your wife is doing most of the caring, she gets to decide. If you're not the one getting up three times a night to pacify the baby, you should gracefully accept that your input is going to be considered but she gets the casting vote. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but that's the way it goes unless you're doing a full 50% of the childcare. It sounds like you're fighting about things which aren't worth fighting about. A woman with a three week old baby is a barrel of hormones, feeling knackered, insecure, scared and worried and is liable to fly off the handle about things that she wouldn't bat an eyelid at under normal circumstances. That doesn't mean to say you have to become a human doormat, but its worth doing a little mental exercise -- ask yourself which battles are worth winning and which aren't. Unless its something you feel incredibly strongly about, it is often easier to compromise.

Go with what is right for your child, not what is right for someone else's.

Your baby is only 3 weeks old so your wife is still hormonal and sensitive. I would be the one to call a truce in your situation. As for the BBQ, I would leave that up to your wife to decide to attend or not as she may not feel comfortable having a load of people round having only just given birth. Now the dummy thing you should discuss together but if your wife is the principle care giver, she gets the casting vote.

Agent, I would have given her the dummy too. I just would have told my DP outright that I was doing it and challenged him to disagree not tried to hide it

Awww your bond will not diminish. Why don't you offer to take responsibility for bathing or other fun stuff which can be tiring for a new mum but great fun for those who are away from baby. My OH favourite way of bonding is to snuggle down with DD in the morning as I like to get up before them (we cosleep). Babies love men's deep voices so you can try singing her some lullabies too. There are lots of ways you can bond with your daughter, even though you're not there for a lot of the time.

In these early months babies are programmed to want to be with their mums, but once they start getting more independence, crawling, toddling, etc. then you will realise that the groundwork you do in the early days pays dividends and she will look forward to snuggling into her daddy at every opportunity.

I don't like them much either. And if it's something you feel strongly about you should have a say of course and I can understand you might feel pushed out.

But in the grand scheme it's not worth a row. I would suggest that both of you are tired and overwrought and should let it go for now/

BTW why on earth did your wife even bring it up? How was a baby going to 'give us away'? Seems an odd thing to say really.

TBH, whatever the arguments for/against the dummy, I agree you are best placed to resolve this with an apology and a hug, especially given your DW is just adjusting to being on her own with your DD (now you have gone back to work), but also must say that I can completely understand where OP is coming from, in terms of finding separation difficult now you are back at work: I think you could also say that to your DW (without using it as a justification/argument): at the end of the day, you both clearly care for eachother and your child a great deal, and are just trying to do the right thing...
I don't think there is one "right way" to do any of this, but the most important thing is to keep talking to eachother.
Best of luck to you and yours