To ask how you discipline your child

[alowVera]

without getting into the smacking debate? (just to make that clear),
More of a general question of what works for you? Sticker charts, naughty step, etc?
We're using a red STOP card with 3yo dd, and was just wondering if there is anything else I can try with a language delayed child?
What works for you with your toddlers?

If she refuses, then you will have to find another sanction

If the older ones are leaving pens around, maybe they are the ones who need to be disciplined

explaining to him that his behaviour is wrong

at times ds does not want to listen so i wait until he will, i do not use the naughty step or smacking. i do not do time out either but at times i will not respond to him until he calms down

i only have one so it is easier to handle

My 3 year old acts up most when she's tired so I try and be understanding of that and use cuddles, empathy and distraction. But if she's not tired and simply being a little mischievious so and so then I count backwards from 3 very firmly. Until yesterday that always worked so now I may have to start thinking about consequences.

Oh, and I've found talking about my expectations of her behaviour before we go into a particular situation (eg Church service, park, supermarket, TV) works 99% of the time (so far).

littlemisssarcastic, I am almost sure that no matter how much your 3yo loves 'cleaning', if she has to remove drawing from walls, tables, whatever, she will stop enjoying it straight away.
In any case, it is not a punishment if you equate punishment with something non enjoyable. If she is able to clean it and enjoy cleaning it, why should you punish her? the problem with painting walls is that:

1. You have to clean it
2. It does not go away so easily; it may destroy a wall.

If this is not happening there is no reason to make them suffer. I am not perfect, depending on my mood more than anything else I can lose control and scream at them. I do it pretty often. It normally makes me feel terrible and it does not achieve much (except if you consider scaring them achieving something). However, my experience is that my kids do not respond to bribery very well (sorry ?reward /punishment? systems). And when I remove some activity from one of them, the normal thing is that the other sibling respects the ban too. It has never caused a trouble. They are 4 and 6 now and this has worked well for our family so far. I do not believe in ?dialogue? with very young kids either. The superiority of the adult is so big that any ?dialogue? is a fiction. The adult has the vocabulary, can articulate an argument, will always be right. I set the rules, but I do not believe you need to discipline kids making them suffer or punishing them with random restrictions.

Exactly Jamie you would probably have to use an unrelated punishment, which kind of goes against the principle, no?

alowvera, I'm no expert but have been advised that the more simplified the instruction, the more chance of success. I too have a 'delayed' child albeit more severely delayed :)

For example, I remove him from whatever he's doing, give him a clear 'stop' (one hand held palm facing him), low stern voice and distract with something I do allow him to do.

It's taken a bit of time but he's now responding to the tone and signal and will generally co-operate most of the time. Youtube is great for makaton learning btw.

I was advised that with a speech/comprehension delayed child it can be confusing to use too much language to them. They have more chance of understanding and responding to one or two words than trying to process whole sentences. E.g. I will say "No hitting" rather than "will you stop hitting now". Sorry if you think I'm teaching granny to suck eggs but it's what I've been taught by professionals and it works for us.

hmmmm my two are 'testing boundaries' at the moment (that's pc for being naughty...).
For a while now we have had a list of acceptable and unacceptable behaviours, entitled 'our house rules', next to a list of stepped sanctions. All behavour is treated equally (with the exception of obvious extremity, but that just leads to an escalation of the sanctions). TBH the list does include things they don't do any more (such as biting... nipped that one in the bud... ho ho..), but they know the sanctions full well, and sometimes they will remind me when I forget one of the steps (DS is a law abider...)...

The steps work like this:
1St Warning and reminder of house rules.
2nd (and what I sometimes forget and jump to). Time out for age.
3rd: Sent to bedroom for 10 mins
4th: Favourite toy is confiscated for 30mins (this was when they were younger as anything more was meaningless).

My reasons were/are: Warning is reasonable, sometimes in the heat of the moment we all make mistakes, even mummy and daddy might break d rules. Warnings give a chance for self correction (even for very young children... and those who like rules).
Time out is for me and them to calm down a bit, not a punishment, but sometimes it is al that's necessary for eg aggressive behaviour... a change of scene and a removal of attention.
The bedroom is for when more distance is needed...
The toy sanction is so they have a time limit and is something visible.

I also (in calm moments) remind them it is important to correct their behaviour because similar behaviour in adults can end up with the police involved or being sent to prison...

Oh I made a huge mistake on the 'drawing on walls thing". I have always painted murals for my kids... VERY hard to say "i can, but you can't" and get them to grasp it... DD drew all over hers tho, and my face (sadness), was better than any shouting I could have done. Also the warning that if I couldn't remedy it I would have to paint over it was enough to prevent a repeat. DS has started doing it tho... and has had his pens removed for a day (each time) as a result. He hasn't done it in about a mth, so fingers crossed... one of is is pretty good tho.. gah! He is the rule abider, so for him "I" broke the rule...

Yeah and I shout... (which I am not happy about).

I will say "No" in a firm voice twice before taking action.

Depending on the crime...if it's drawing on the wall, then I remove to writing implement, tap his hand and firmly sit him on his bum in the corner (he's 17 months).

To be honest I rarely have to do this, as the first "No" has started to ring home. Will be introducing a naughty spot/step once he's around the 2 mark, should I need to.

We'd all be lying if we said we have never shouted.

Sometimes they drive you bonkers.

I never used a naughty step..i just told them off/said NO firmly and have smacked on occasion.

Not proud of smacking but i don't think i'll go to hell for it either.

Koolaidkid, I think any parent would be foolish to abandon common sense in favour of some "method" or "principle".

smacking is not necessary.
smacking teaches children that if you are angry with someone you are justified in hitting them.
smacking teaches them that it's ok for someone bigger or more powerful to hit them.
smacking makes it impossible for you to tell them not to hit other children, with any authority.

Most of us have sacked at one time or another, but if this is part of your "method" then I think you need to think again.

alowvera - I would second redcarnations on the signing - in fact I often ask 2 yr old DD "what's the sign for stop?" when she acting up and it gives me a second where she'll stop whatever she's destroying doing and then I can interrupt/redirect the behaviour. (Very useful when she's running for the road!)

On top of this I've found a combination of time outs:

Step 1 - tell DD what the behaviour is that is unacceptable and that it will lead to a time out. (i.e. "We don't hit, that's 1.")

Step 2 - if she does it again then its 2 and if she does it again its "3 - timeout". I then don't say anything, just pick her up and take her out of the situation (usually to a pack&play but if we're out & about I'll find a bench or something but I don't make eye contact, etc with her)

Step 3 - after a minute per year of timeout. I go get her, tell her what she did wrong & that we don't do it followed by a cuddle and then we get on with things.

I've found the not talking to her from the time I give her the timeout till I come to "release" her has made a HUGE difference because I don't rant and she doesn't have anything to resist or fight against.

The other thing I try to do (although I don't do it nearly enough) is to have "whispered" conversations with her favourite toys (teddy & "baby") at the end of the day about something good she's done. So for the dvd example if she does finally stop wrecking them when you tell her off that bedtime you could tell her teddy in a loud whisper how happy you were that she stopped and how wonderful she is when she's a good girl or listens, etc. I often find on days where I have been shouty mom that focusing on something good at the end of the day ends things positively for her but also makes me feel better!

Sorry that was long!

The cleaning isn't a punishment though, it's just about putting right what they have made wrong, it doesn't matter if they enjoy it or not. You still make it clear if they can't be trusted with pens then the pens go away.

But anyway.

My dad used to do the thing where you praise the child, not directly to them, but within their earshot. I've heard it's a really good technique if the child doesn't take praise very well. When my dad did it it just sounded really awkward and forced though

I use a pick and mix approach to discipline! But I am definatley not wishy washy, whatever I threaten will be carried out and my kid know that

I have qualms about calling them naughty, or cheeky, or sassy, or rude......it enrichs their vocabulary

They are also praised when they are good, with just as many terms.

DS who is 3 is sent to the naughty wall as required. It works. DD used to be, but is now too old at 5.

We have deep meaningful conversations about the consequences of their actions, about considering other peoples feelings etc.

But I expect absolute compliance at that moment, we will talk at length later....so it will be 'the look' or a countdown and if there is still silliness there will be a punishment, it is rare to reach this stage.

DD was recently very silly and refused to leave a friends house, and hid, she was very tired and it was the last week of term. On the walk home, i lectured her on how I felt embarassed, how it was inconvenient for her friends mum, and how if she behaved like that alot then she would end up not being invited to places and end up missing out on stuff. When we got home she was sent to bed (about 4.30 pm). She fell asleep within 10 mins. The next day she apologised to her friends mum.

That is the only occassion of serious enough for a punishment naughty behaviour I can think of from her in the last 3 months.

I told my daughter off when she was about 3 for drawing all over her legs.

Her reply? Daddys got pictures on his legs, is he naughty?

And as for punishment, mine learnt from an early age that No is a complete sentence!

My daughter was pretty good and rarely needed to be told twice

I did start naughty step with DS but he just used to sit there and bang his head against the wall, so stopped doing that as I was afraid he was going to hurt himself (he bruises easily LOL)

Removal from situation and deprivation of toys worked best- when he used to be naughty and I told him off he used to put his toys in the bin!

As hes older raising voice and "the look" works best

I have also smacked on occassion

And I always see a threat through- not effective to just threaten then not act