To ask how you discipline your child

[alowVera]

without getting into the smacking debate? (just to make that clear),
More of a general question of what works for you? Sticker charts, naughty step, etc?
We're using a red STOP card with 3yo dd, and was just wondering if there is anything else I can try with a language delayed child?
What works for you with your toddlers?

Deliberate naughtiness is often attention-seeking - if they get a good emotional shrieky reaction from you then they may get a perverse reward from that.

sims2fan we are doing a nice list and a nughty list.

So far there is only one thing on the list since the start of the holidays. They are both used (particularly ds) to being favoured at school because they are generally lovely and very very likeable and so they are behaving impeccably

The most difficult part for me is consistency... Having the same rules and applying the same consequences if they are broken. When problems with consistency are very obvious I modify the rule because it is clearly not that important.

I remember as a child not being sure about my parents' reactions to my behaviour. The same thing could be funny or end in punishment.

I try by all means to make them understand that bad behaviour has 'consequences'. If you paint the whole house with crayons, please clean it. If you are using felt pens and cannot be removed, then it means you cannot use this kind of equipment. I take them away until they commit themselves to use them properly. If they fail again, I remove the object/activity for a long time.

So basically I try to:

1. Make them repair the damage caused if possible
2. If not possible, prevent them from being able to cause it again.

Normally works well.

I agree with Bertie

If you paint the whole house with crayons, please clean it

But surely they'd get a punishment too wouldn't they?

And Jamie yes I do that a lot too - it becomes automatic after a while. Try to think about what you do want them to do rather than what you don't.

And the hungry/tired thing is very true as well. I get really frustrated with DS when he's acting crazily due to low blood sugar but he just won't eat!

Another thing I've just thought of - I try to make sure that any kind of consequence I impose, if DS turns around and says "Fine" (he doesn't do this yet, but I'm guessing he will at some point in the future) that I still feel he's learned from it and I'm okay with that.

Focus on the positive not the negative

But worra, why? They've learned (through being told) they aren't supposed to paint with crayons. Through cleaning it, they've learned it takes effort to get the marks off, and perhaps that crayon doesn't come off some surfaces, teaching them respect for the house. They'll think twice about doing it again, if they did do it again, then I expect the crayons would be removed until they are older and able to understand.

The punishment is unnecessary if they have learned the lesson another way.

If I want my DCs (age 2 and 4) to follow an instruction/ stop doing something irritating then I find counting back from ten in a fairly menacing voice very effective. I have never suggested what might happen if I get to zero and am constantly suprized and amused how well this works. It's not discipline as such more behaviour management but maybe helpful.

Think about it - why don't you go and draw all over your friends' walls? Is it because you're scared they might tell the police? Or is it because you understand that they've put a lot of effort into decorating their house and making it look nice, you know they would probably be upset and angry if you drew all over their walls, and you understand that drawing on walls is pretty permanent and takes some effort to remove?

alowvera: I find with ds2 a softly softly soothing approach works best (although I know to outsiders it looks a bit weak but seriously taking a hard line approach just makes it worse!) and lots of distraction if possible. I've gotten quite good at riding out the storm of a melt down now and I think my lack of reaction to it has helped to make them much more short lived.

I do have zero tolerance with him if he is physically violent towards anyone and he can melt down all he likes about that!

I mostly agree with BertieBotts and parent in a similar way from the sounds of it.. Though I judge each individual situation on its merits and sometimes end up using a method that is less than ideal in my mind just because it bloody works in the short term!

Alowvera when you say language delayed do you mean speech delay or speech and comprehension delayed? Because at that age there is a big difference between the two.

If there is a developmental delay it could be that you need to use age appropriate methods aimed at a younger child. What works with a NT child may not be suitable for a child with a delay :)

Oh yes the other day I said "If you let me put your trousers on you can have some sweets" and we've slipped into a habit of him eating in front of the TV, because the threat of the TV going off if he gets up is helping him eat more and not wake up hungry at 5am. But hopefully this will change when we get a dining table.

I've found nothing works long term, sticker charts, taking away privileges, removing from the situation all work for a while until ds2 decides he doesn't care about stickers anymore, is quite happy for you to take all his toys/privileges and will sit on his own for hours in the hall when removed from a situation ( doesn't seem much of a punishment when they decide they will stay there all day!)

Yep - I have my ideals but they don't always work out

The odd shout works, if that doesn't work I send to bed - that always works; but if it didn't I'd take away weekend treats, take away birthday parties and finally cancel Christmas.

The only thing I have found remotely effective with my ADHD boy (7) is counting, also works with his 10 and 4yr old brothers.

It seems to work where threat or bribery doesn't in situations where you want them to do or stop doing something.

I suspect it is because it gives them a chance to process what you have asked them to do and make a concious decision rather than just being impulsive.

worraliberty :

I agree with Bertie - about the crayons - what is punishment for? - it's to ensure they understand why it was wrong and they are incentivised not to do it again. No other punishment needed. A sorry would be nice too.

Remember we are talking 3 year olds here - they don't understand the consequences of their actions, or they do, but they have forgotten, or they do but they are impulsive.

Yes, except when they start making a mess on purpose (crayons/drawing) because cleaning up with mum and bubbles and sprays is fun (children in my house cleverer then mummy...)

Generally I find that explaining what's expected of them or what's going to happen sorts most things out.

They tend to get pulled up before it gets out of hand and I'll happily abandon whatever we're doing rather than inflicting them on other people.

Occasionally we have complete meltdowns and then they get sent to their room (oh - aren't I a rebel for risking them associating their bedrooms with being naughty??!). And yes they do get told they are being naughty....

Very occasionally the words "Wait till your father gets home" slip out my mouth and I truly hate myself afterwards. That's the only one I really hate - and it's completely stupid because usually he laughs at whatever they've done or is irrationally annoyed by it and completely overdoes the sanctions which I then need to enforce!

I've some very simple rules for when they are young:

1. Make sure your boundaries are clear. Nothing worse for a child than being allowed one day then not another.

2. Be consistent. See above.

3. If a battle erupts, make sure you win. Always. I've lost count of the amount of times I've sat there thinking "I wish I hadn't made a stand over (insert item)" but once you do, never ever back down. To do so means they learn your rules can be defeated.

Basically when they are young, they need to learn you are the parent and what you say goes.

Whether you smack/not smack, sticker charts, naughty steps. It's all a bit of a sideshow really. It's not like a child will go "oooh a red card...i'm so scared!" What they're scared of is the consequence. And that involves you as a parent following through whatever you say. Give in just that one time for an easy life and you've undone all your own hard work.

redcarnations she has a speech delay and a comprehension of speech delay. She has only had access to sound for 7 months.

She also has a slight developmental delay, but not in everything. Is probably about a 6-12 months behind where she should be.

^Getting up and lamping another child over the head with a heavy toy?

Scribbling on walls when they've been told not to?

Biting the dog despite being told it hurts?^

[Tuts] That' s not neing Naughty, its being Differently Good :o