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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask how you discipline your child

119 replies

alowVera · 28/07/2011 13:10

without getting into the smacking debate? (just to make that clear),
More of a general question of what works for you? Sticker charts, naughty step, etc?
We're using a red STOP card with 3yo dd, and was just wondering if there is anything else I can try with a language delayed child?
What works for you with your toddlers?

OP posts:
crazycatlady · 28/07/2011 13:44

I'm a novice discipline wise as my eldest is only 2 1/2... but we do:

  • sticker chart to reward good behaviour (tidying, eating, being nice to younger DS etc). Frequent praise for behaving like a decent human being.
  • try to be as consistent as possible and explain what's happening next in the day so she knows what to expect.
  • lots of no's! Mostly said in a calm fashion, with an explanation of why. Sometimes it works, somedays I have to keep saying it until I just can't take it anymore and end up shouting NO NO NO NO as she empties the third drawer full of clothes or smears my face cream all over the bathroom floor Grin.
  • naughty step for serious misdemeanours (usually hitting DS or throwing stuff). Always preceded by one warning. Has to say sorry afterwards and I always explain why she has been put there.
  • remove from situation and distract if inclement behaviour occurs when not at home...
HairyJo · 28/07/2011 13:44

When ds1 was smaller it was the naughty step he's 6 now and I get by with the "look" or the "tone", occassionally I do have a shouty rant.

DS2 is such a different child that the naughty step hasn't really been usefull. Although most of his behaviour stems from language delay so punishment is particularly appropriate. Usually I just have to carry on and ignore melt downs and let him calm himself down.

I'm not a fan at all of start charts but I think that's because most people don't follow through and use them properly so they become a bit meaningless.

sims2fan · 28/07/2011 13:44

Oh, just so you're the op so she's 3 - definitely old enough for that to work.

bibbitybobbityhat · 28/07/2011 13:45

Yabu

sims2fan · 28/07/2011 13:45

Saw*

farnywarny · 28/07/2011 13:45

with my ds and sdd (both 5 and going in to year one and 2 in spetember) we have got a 'list' of their naughty behaviour, one each, that we have told them we are going to show to their new teacher on the first day back so the teacher knows they have a naughty boy/girl in their class.

Its working amazingly well

HairyJo · 28/07/2011 13:46

punishment ISN'T approriate

cuteboots · 28/07/2011 13:49

callisto- was the doh label aimed at me! Get a grip!!

JamieAgain · 28/07/2011 13:52

Read Playful Parenting for tips to engage children's co-operation in a fun way

Counting down fro 5 to 1, 10 to 1 or 3 to one works very well when you need them to do something quickly

sims2fan · 28/07/2011 13:53

farny - that sounds like a self fulfilling prophecy to me. If they go into their new class knowing they have a label of 'the naughty child' then they won't be worried about being naughty as they already are, iyswim, so won't try very hard to be good. Could you not do it the other way around? Make a list of all the good things they do to show the teacher, and when they misbehave say in a very disappointed tone "well how sad, your new teacher isn't going to have a very long list to read at all. I bet she would have loved to read about lots of good behaviour. What a shame."

BertieBotts · 28/07/2011 13:55

DS is 2.9. Really depends on the situation. I don't use unrelated unspecific punishments though such as removal of toys, time out etc. Toys would of course be removed if they were being used inapproriately (e.g. to hit, pens - drawing on anything which isn't paper, throwing things indoors etc) but DS can have them back if he calms down and agrees verbally to use them correctly. He's never then carried on and done the forbidden thing but if he did then I'd probably take the toy away without the chance to earn it back and just put it back in the toybox or wherever when he'd forgotten about the incident.

In the same vein I don't use time out much but if he's getting destructive or (e.g.) keeps going back to the same thing (and I can't remove the thing) or in a particularly dangerous situation (hanging onto my legs when I'm cooking for example) then I will take him either to the stairs or the sofa and tell him he needs to sit there and calm down. On one occasion he said "I don't WANT to sit on stairs. I want to sit on SOFA!" and I let him do that. I see it more as teaching him a coping mechanism for when he gets really frustrated, than a punishment.

Using please and thank you etc when I talk to him all the time has paid off - he now uses these automatically, though sometimes has to be reminded, especially if he's being shy around someone unfamiliar. Similarly if I get cross and shout and he tells me to stop shouting, I do, and this has translated that when he is shouting I ask him to stop and he really does make an effort to. And talking, about everything, all the time - at the time of the incident and also later on, and trying to take the time to listen to him.

I'm probably quite laid back and let some things go which others wouldn't. I also let him have time to explain things (like, sometimes he wants to turn the TV off before coming upstairs to get dressed, even though he could just leave it on) and do things himself if he can, if possible (which is actually hindering us at the minute as I'll ask him to do something and it will be "just a second" which turns into twenty minutes- mostly this has worked okay though) One thing I do use for speeding up at the moment is turning everything into a race.

I also try to think if there's something he wants to do that I don't want him to (recent one was spitting) to think of a way that he can do that which would be acceptable. So if he goes to throw something we say "No, that is not for throwing. You can go and throw your ball, outside, or you can throw this balloon, inside." The spitting one I said if he wanted to spit, he could do it in the sink only. I had to take him to the bathroom and show him the first time, but after that he got it, then after a couple more times, he got bored of walking all the way there and stopped completely. For the DVD example, I'd say if he wanted to pull them all out that was fine, but he'd need to put them all back again by himself. He does quite often pull all his toys out at once, and he's starting to realise now that to play with them he really needs space, and that means he needs to put the others away. At the moment I help him tidy things away as he's only little, but I don't help unless he's doing some as well, if that makes sense.

I've probably missed out loads but I think that covers the main things I'm doing with DS at the moment.

JamieAgain · 28/07/2011 13:55

Tell them what you want them to do, not what you don't want them to do.

eg "walk on the pavement2 not "stop going on the road"

Lower your voice and get down to their level. Do not shriek

JamieAgain · 28/07/2011 13:56

Don't talk too much. They switch off

Make the punishment fit the crime - take a way crayons of they have drawn on the wall.

worraliberty · 28/07/2011 13:57

Cuteboots Callisto's 'D'oh' was to herself as she was correcting her typo

BertyBurlington · 28/07/2011 13:58

i think the worst piece of advice i have ever heard is ignore bad behaviour

wtf? how do they know not to do it again in that case?

ridiculous. You admonish bad behaviour and praise good.

MrsOwhat · 28/07/2011 13:58

No, seriously - what is naughty??? It is very ambiguous. I hear some people saying 'naughty' when it really isn't. I don't use the word and I don't like the word.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/07/2011 13:59

I think I'd condense my method down to expectation-setting, measured ferocity and a dash of guilt-tripping. My ultimate sanction - not used that often - is something along the lines of being 'very disappointed'.... he actually invents his own punishments.

alowVera · 28/07/2011 14:00

hairyjo what do you find works with ds2? How do you prevent the meltdowns (before they get to the point of no return?)

OP posts:
JamieAgain · 28/07/2011 14:01

Think about what you are threatening before you threaten it - you have to follow through, and you have to be content that what you threatened is reasonable and proportionate, or you will feel bad.

Don't threaten to hit

I cannot emphasise enough - Lots of so-called naughtiness is due to hunger (in my DS2s case - a sugar low caused dramatic changes in behaviour), or tiredeness

Remember she is 3, and although she may be apparently maturing, ahe is still very small, emotionally immature and impulsive. Remember it is not personal and it will pass.

Threenagers are very challenging! Bt they need to test you in order to grwo. They need to make mistakes (sometimes over and over) to learn. they will not "get it" straight away. It is a "drip-drip" approach

BertieBotts · 28/07/2011 14:01

Oh yeah I don't use the word naughty either - I find it a bit meaningless. I'd rather say something more specific like "You're making a mess", "You're hurting X", "That is dangerous", "X isn't for Y", "We don't do X", "That is rude", etc etc.

If something like swearing is "naughty" and something like running in the road is "naughty", how are they supposed to know which is the kind of thing that your parents just don't like, but might be acceptable elsewhere, and which is the kind of thing which they must never ever do even if they are completely on their own (for some reason)?

cuteboots · 28/07/2011 14:01

worraliberty- Sorry took it the wrong way! Being a stressy mare

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/07/2011 14:01

"what is naughty?"

It's deliberate bad behaviour rather than childish high spirits or bad judgement. Not doing as they're told, being deliberately disobedient, doing something they've been told is unacceptable, being cheeky, surly or impolite, destructive behaviour... all that I'd class as 'naughty'.

JamieAgain · 28/07/2011 14:02

grow, not grwo

worraliberty · 28/07/2011 14:02

What is naughty? Hmm

Getting up and lamping another child over the head with a heavy toy?

Scribbling on walls when they've been told not to?

Biting the dog despite being told it hurts?

Fucking hell, I could carry on into the middle of next month with this. Why on earth do you need anyone to tell you what naughty is? Confused

Basically, it's an action by a child that they have been specifically told not to do and they understand that instruction...well that's one example anyway.

RumourOfAHurricane · 28/07/2011 14:02

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