AIBU about SIL, DH and Hanukkah????

[Iamkenny]

DH is a liberal Jew (observant on something not on others). I was raised in a Buddhist household.

This year Hanukkah falls during Christmas (Dec 20th-28th) and we try to spend Christmas time with my family and Rosh Hashanah, Pesach and Purim with his (we live closer to my family so spend more time with mine on a month to month basis)

Me and DH decided when we got married that our children would be raised culturally Jewish e.g. festivals, bat/bar mitzvah and circumcisions for our sons. But could decide on the religiously part themselves (which DH is lax on anyway)

This Christmas our DD will be 4, DS 2 and we will have 2 month old twins DD2 and DS2. We will be spending the time staying with my parents along with my sister and her family and my brother and his family.

DD is just beginning to understand and relishes all the food and the prays and the menorah

We have spent the time with my parents and sister and her family before and they throw themselves in, especially my dad, BIL and nephew who love the food. But we have never spent the time with my Brother, SIL and my niece.

My family have always known that they are welcome to buy our children and us presents for Christmas day and we buy my family presents for Christmas day. But they know that our children wont receive any other presents from DH family and that we give 8 small presents (one each day) to them

It is my DH culture that he wishes to share with his children, ( and I throw myself in as well) he relishes doing the prays and menorah with the people he loves.

I was on the phone to my SIL a few days ago and basically she said a few things that accumulated in saying that she wasn't comfortable with having her 12yr old daughter around the Hanukkah celebrations and that she herself doesn't what to be around it at all, including the food which is going to be alongside normal 'christmassy' food

I have always had a complex relationship with my SIL but we get on perfectly fine, and it's nothing obvious and can spend holidays with each other as long as we have somewhere to go to be away from each other. Also she is not religious (raised CofE but no religion and my niece has been bought up with no religion)

I was shocked and couldn't say anything. DH is very upset and now for the first time feels uncomfortable around my family, feeling that they don't accept him and therefore our children (which apart from my SIL not true)

I want to spend the time with my family, DH wants to celebrate Hanukkah with DC and we both want my family to be aware of what is a very core part of my DC and DH life

I don't know what to do????

AIBU to expect her not to care so much? And just get on with it? Especially as it seems to have come out of nowhere (she came to wedding in the temple etc.)

Well, looking at the OP again, I´m starting to wonder what the problem is.

SIL has said, perhaps clumsily, that she doesn´t want to take part in any Hannukah celebrations.

But everything will go ahead as planned from what I can see.

So, where´s the problem?

The problem diddl is that the OP's DH has had a flounce and decided that due to the SIL's odd reaction, he doesn't want to spend Hanukkah time with the OP's family...

Your dh sounds very childish and controlling.

diddl - how do you propose the SIL and her DD not be around the Hannukah food? Should there be different rooms for the Christmas and Hannukah foods? :confused:

Why should I propose anything?

Well I can understand your DH being annoyed,but he shouldn't throw his toys out of pram due to rude SIL. I don't get why her 12 year old wouldn't like to see Hannukah.Don't they teach different religions in school these days? Tbh if your SIL doesn't like what's happening at a home that she has been invited to as a GUEST, then she shouldn't go then, and stop imposing her views on others.

When I lived in NYC many years ago, DD1 had a Jewish friend,Mum Catholic and dad Jewish.Hannukah fascinated her, and she got all upset cos her friend got 8 presents, and sniffed that it wasn't fair cos R was getting Hannukah AND Santa. :o

Can I come to your celebrations-they sound great? You may have half of MN at your door :o

But are the OP & husband not also imposing their views?

I don't see the SIL as "imposing" her view on anyone, unless she's trying to stop the whole thing happening by stealth (saying she won't come and forcing the parents to revert back to a traditional Christmas only in order to be accommodating). She's just said she wants no part of it. She can't stop OP and her husband/parents going ahead as planned. It's the OP's DH who is currently hijacking his own celebration by accusing the blameless parents/sister of prejudice. If anyone is imposing a view, it is him.

There may even be a bit of a "nose out of joint" situation: because there's a good chance that the traditional (run of the mill) Christmas part of the celebration is going to take a back seat to the novelty of the Hannukah celebration, and OP's DH is going to be the centre of attention; the DH is an in-law, so is SIL, perhaps she's wondering why she can't have a "special" Christmas centred around her preferences for celebration? Since they have a much older child, I'm wondering if she's been an in law for longer than OP's DH? I wonder whether she feels she has not been welcomed/honoured in the special way your DH is being by being allowed to introduce Hanukkah into a family event?

Why anyone would want to miss out on a new (and fab sounding) cultural experience is beyond me. Why anyone would want to flounce around and piss off their in-laws by accusing them of a prejudice they demonstrably don't hold is beyond me.

They are both being childish.

I think it sound fascinating and my dc would love it. I also think SIL is pissed that you might be upstaging what she recognises as a traditional Christmas, and is throwing her toys out because of that.

Everyone needs to get over themselves a bit, including your dh, although I can understand his sensitivity, he can't hold your entire family accountable for her position, that's not fair at all.

You know, there's precious little detail here on which to form an opinion. Just two direct references to what OP's SIL has actually said/done.

1. "I was on the phone to my SIL a few days ago and basically she said a few things that accumulated in saying that she wasn't comfortable with having her 12yr old daughter around the Hanukkah celebrations and that she herself doesn't what to be around it at all, including the food which is going to be alongside normal 'christmassy' food"

and 2. "basically she said that she wasn't comfortable having DD around Hanukkah celebration and that she herself didn't want to be around it. I asked her exactly what she meant, thinking she was referring to prays and stuff but she confirmed she meant it all (including food ? which is just ridiculous)"

That's it. Oh, and "I have always had a complex relationship with my SIL but we get on perfectly fine, and it's nothing obvious and can spend holidays with each other as long as we have somewhere to go to be away from each other."

She doesn't want to be around "it". That's all she's said (unless OP has severely editted it). As many have already said, that could just be a discomfort with her concept of Christmas being challenged. And we all have a concept of Christmas here in the UK, whether we're Christians or not, because it is a big cultural/commercial event that is impossible to avoid from October onwards come December. Now when someone says to me that they don't want to be around something, I take for granted that they are going to absent themselves from that something. However strange I may find it, that's fine, the rest of us will manage without them.

All the OP's stress seems to come from her husband's reaction to this phone conversation. "He now feels that none of them accept him and therefore our children." None of them? All the OP's family in one big homologous mass, not just the SIL? And even then, it's a leap to go from her not being comfortable being around Hanukkah to her not accepting him. Which OP seems to think she does. ("And she has never mentioned having an issue with DH religion before - she came to our wedding and DS bris (less face it far more important than one little Hanukkah)" ).

So perhaps, I feel that OP's SIL has expressed something clumsily, and her DH is being a bit of a drama queen. And he owes the OP an apology, and the rest of her family perhaps a private/unspoken one for his unfounded accusation that they don't accept him (I'm assuming he has only expressed this thought to the OP and not to them, in which case they deserve a proper apology).

Yes, I apologise for putting imposing, as we don´t know if OP would still go were her parents not being accomodating or how the whole thing came about.

But whilst I don´t really get SILs problem with the arrangements, I also don´t get OPs husband reaction to it.

MsAnnThroppy, I misread your post re who was "imposing" (or not!)

I agree it sounds as if SIL isn´t.

If parents are happy with the Hanukkah celebrations in their house, then that should be it, & people should be free to join in or not as they wish.(imo)