AIBU about SIL, DH and Hanukkah????

[Iamkenny]

DH is a liberal Jew (observant on something not on others). I was raised in a Buddhist household.

This year Hanukkah falls during Christmas (Dec 20th-28th) and we try to spend Christmas time with my family and Rosh Hashanah, Pesach and Purim with his (we live closer to my family so spend more time with mine on a month to month basis)

Me and DH decided when we got married that our children would be raised culturally Jewish e.g. festivals, bat/bar mitzvah and circumcisions for our sons. But could decide on the religiously part themselves (which DH is lax on anyway)

This Christmas our DD will be 4, DS 2 and we will have 2 month old twins DD2 and DS2. We will be spending the time staying with my parents along with my sister and her family and my brother and his family.

DD is just beginning to understand and relishes all the food and the prays and the menorah

We have spent the time with my parents and sister and her family before and they throw themselves in, especially my dad, BIL and nephew who love the food. But we have never spent the time with my Brother, SIL and my niece.

My family have always known that they are welcome to buy our children and us presents for Christmas day and we buy my family presents for Christmas day. But they know that our children wont receive any other presents from DH family and that we give 8 small presents (one each day) to them

It is my DH culture that he wishes to share with his children, ( and I throw myself in as well) he relishes doing the prays and menorah with the people he loves.

I was on the phone to my SIL a few days ago and basically she said a few things that accumulated in saying that she wasn't comfortable with having her 12yr old daughter around the Hanukkah celebrations and that she herself doesn't what to be around it at all, including the food which is going to be alongside normal 'christmassy' food

I have always had a complex relationship with my SIL but we get on perfectly fine, and it's nothing obvious and can spend holidays with each other as long as we have somewhere to go to be away from each other. Also she is not religious (raised CofE but no religion and my niece has been bought up with no religion)

I was shocked and couldn't say anything. DH is very upset and now for the first time feels uncomfortable around my family, feeling that they don't accept him and therefore our children (which apart from my SIL not true)

I want to spend the time with my family, DH wants to celebrate Hanukkah with DC and we both want my family to be aware of what is a very core part of my DC and DH life

I don't know what to do????

AIBU to expect her not to care so much? And just get on with it? Especially as it seems to have come out of nowhere (she came to wedding in the temple etc.)

diddl I'm sure they are well equipt to find something to do for half an hour.

And thank you hester and ChristinedePizan

your SIL has behaved DISTGUSTINGLY, but hope your DH does not read her behavious as that of whole family.

agree that your parents need to toe the line on this

Yes of course they can find something to do-but perhaps she feels why should they have to?

I´m wondering if she is annoyed about your parents being so accomodating to your husband for some reason?

Does she just like to make situations all about her?

Wow, aren't people intolerant. When we turn up with things from my husband's culture, family and friends are usually interested and intrigued by it. What's the big deal if you light a special candle or say a certain phrase. It is easier if it is in your own home, though, we make our own combination of festivals/mixture of traditions there and it's much easier to just get on with it than try and export them to someone else's house.

But, on MN, I see a lot of 'I don't want to go to christenings/join a prayer/attend a funeral' type stuff that astonishes me. I just go with my friends and husband to whatever stuff comes up, whatever religion and usually find it fascinating, even if it is not my own tradition. I don't feel compromised taking my shoes off, or the need to declare everything religious 'a fairy story' and show my disdain by not participating. But, lots of people do, especially to 'protect' their children from this nasty thing called religion. And, to me, this is how it often comes out, as intolerance and a lack of acceptance. It's like being with religious people is contagious, somehow.

Good luck with sorting it out, if someone said my husband couldn't bring his special bread made in their culture to a Christmas Eve celebration, at the level of food, I would simply not go myself. Asking others to pray is too much, asking them to share traditional food is not and to refuse is incredibly narrow-minded.

what is a dreidel please/
I love the sound of your multicultural celebrations and think that all dc involved are very fortunate.Your SIL is being silly and your dh over sensitive.
YANBU

It's a spinning top with Hebrew symbols on the sides. I've never played the game but I've sung the Dreidel song plenty of times :o

Is she saying she feels uncomfortable by it because she doesnt understand or does she feel like she is expected to join in?
I have no understanding of Jewish faith - Im thinking you dont do Xmas presents - does she feel awkard about not giving presents?

I think she is being unreasonable but i suppose she is entitled to her opinion as much as the next person.

Thanks.
Well that is just her and I'm sure DH will get over it (I'll make him if he doesnt :P )

A Dreidel is a 4 sided spinning top - there is a game and a song that often Children sing (I have a little dreidel) (there is a english and a yiddish version)

Your multi faith celebration sounds marvellous, I hope you all have a great time.

However, as individuals, you all sound childish and intolerant. Your SIL is childish for not even trying to give it a go and making some insensitive remarks about it by way of an excuse.

I'll take your lead, OP, and agree she's not being anti-semitic. However, it doesn't sound like you've tried to talk to her or your brother, to maybe see things from her point of view, to try to clear the air or to invite them to give the celebration a go and give them some comfort to assuage their misgivings about a celebration they obviously don't understand. Instead, you have laid her open on here to the anti-semitic accusation and it has been made against her repeatedly by other posters. Your family situation sounds rather unusual. I don't suppose it occurs to you that people who know her and your family may be reading this and now thinking your SIL is an out and out racist (taking that conclusion from what other posters have said, if not you)?

Your DH is childish for extrapolating from your SIL's remarks that your whole family is prejudiced. If I was your parents, I'd be damned insulted by that, if all I'd ever done was to make your DH welcome into the family fold.

Iamkenny - just seen this thread now. As Hester says, I think you are being marvellously patient here.
Coming from a similar set up myself, your Christmas/Chanukah combination sounds great. For what its worth, it does sound like the "anti-semitism" tag is being used far too readily on your SIL. Not that I'm defending the fact that she is clearly being unreasonable and hasn't thought through the consequence of her remarks, but that doesn't necessarily make her anti-semitic. I can also understand your DH's concerns. Maybe its worth really reasuring him that the voice of your SIL is not the voice of your family. It sounds as if everyone in your family but your SIL embraces the 2 religions/cultures and makes it work well.

i don't think the sil sounds necessarily anti', she could just be feeling uncomfortable. tbh i am a jew and i feel uncomfortable in a church (dh is christian) although i love churches but don't feel i belong there, then again, i don't feel comfortable around jews or feel i belong with them either :)

I have a lot of Jewish family, but am not Jewish (not born Jewish as my mother isn't and not brought up Jewish). As a child I went to a fair few meals which celebrate Jewish festivals. In all honesty I found it dull (sorry if I am meant to find it interesting) as the prayers were all in Hebrew and if it was explained in English it just dragged the whole thing out.

As an adult I avoid attending religious events related to any religion and include prayers before meals in this. I will attend religious events related to births (not a bris though), deaths and marriages. But other ones I avoid and 8 days of Hanukkah would be on my avoid list unless I didn't have to sit around for the prayers. We do celebrate Christmas, but only in the sense of a cultural event with presents and specific food. My choice to avoid religious events is based on my own personal beliefs. This is not restricted to Judaism, but these just happen to be the events that I have turned down in the past as that is the only religion that any of my family observes. I really don't think this makes me anti-semitic.

On the other hand I can't understand anyone turning down latkes.

Iamkenny Have to say your SIL's comments are bizarre and incredibly insensitive. I think if your brother does not share her views he should talk to her and tell her how offended you and your DH were with her comments. There is plenty of time to sort this out and I hope you manage to without a major falling out because I think the Christmas/Hanukkah plans sound wonderful and incredibly inclusive.

I also join the band of people admiring your patience with some contributors to this discussion. If people were trying to make me justify my family's religion I would have politely informed them to fuck off go thou whence thy came, but then I probably am not as nice as you sound.

Best of luck in sorting out this problem and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy.

I feel sorry for you with such an insensitive SIL - but maybe talk to her, see exactly why she feels like that. And talk to your brother, he is hopefully best placed to try to get her to explain. Your DH does need to get that the rest of your family (obviously) doesn't share her view.

Can I jump on the band wagon too?? with your responce to people attacking you and DH choice about religion and how you are bringing up your children.

Hope it gets sorted and congrats on pregnancy (and good luck - you may need it)

your SIL and DH sound as bad as eachother

I want to go to Iamkenny's for "Chrismukkah"- it sounds amazing and the chat about driedels and latkes is making me nostalgic for long ago winters spent with friends, jointly celebrating our cultural and religious histories.

FWIW, I think your SIL is turning down the opportunity for her DD to experience something really fabulous, educational and fun first-hand.

Well, that´s strongly worded!

But I had wondered if SIL didn´t want to "join in" as OPs husband seems to "pick & choose"

are you sure Aitch that you wish to leave that post standing? I don't actually know what you mean about who you think her dh is etc but really this is a thread (I thought) about how to celebrate Christmas in her parental home whilst she and her dh are bringing their dc up Jewish to celebrate Hanukkah at that time of the year and her brother and SIL are not and not (or at least the SIL) comfortable with mixing the two traditions.

HOW DARE YOU!

While the majority of people on this thread have been very helpful about the situation with my SIL, you AitchGee have been insulting and rather un-jewish in your remarks. I would respond telling you that your remarks are - I wont bother, you aren't worth the breath.
I will now do what other people would have done before - Please Fuck Off.

(FYI Reform Judaism the US sister movement to Liberal Judaism is the fastest growing branch)

Thank you everyone else - when I talk to SIL i'll give you an update.

Well I've just come over all warm and fuzzy at the memory of my Jewish lover dipping his wick. Now I just need to explain to the boss why I'm smiling so much. (This post will no longer make sense once the troll posts have been deleted.)

AitchGee, as a pseudo Jew, can I politely ask you to shlep your nudnik self off somewhere you may be appreciated.

Good luck, OP.