Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be getting wound up by peoples comments on my daughter spending time with her dad.

50 replies

redderthanred · 27/07/2011 13:33

i work part time. My ex husband, and daughters father is off work for 5 weeks.
So - he has got her.
hes got her for 11 days, then shes back with me for 6 and then hes got her for another 11.

If one more person says ' oh. but i could never be apart from my child than long' seriously, im going to end up very very cross.

DD is with her FATHER. She is having an excellent time. Shes hardly spoken to me because shes having so much fun. Shes learning how to ride without stablisters, swimming everyday. Having friends over, going to the park, painting and spending time with her FATHER.

All things that she wouldnt be doing because im at work and she would be at a childminders.

And i think it would be wholeheartly selfish of me to have stuck her in the childminders when she could be doing all this with her dad. yes, of course i miss her... but its about her, not me.

So, why are people being bitchy and smug to me about it.

OP posts:
ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 27/07/2011 13:34

YANBU. It's an implied criticism, isn't it? When you have nothing to be criticised for. Fuck 'em. Like you said, this is about her. And she's probably having a ball.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 27/07/2011 13:37

YANBU!! My sis split from her hubby and he now lives in the middle east. He often has them for the school holidays and my sis gets loads of comments! I just tell her to ignore the ignorant twits.

Like you DD, my sisters 2 DS's have a whale of a time, and as much as she misses them, she enjoyes recharging her batteries.

So, why are people being bitchy and smug to me about it - ignorance and jealousy I would say

ZillionChocolate · 27/07/2011 13:37

' oh. but i could never be apart from my child than long'

"what a shame. Presumably they'll have to live with you until they're 90?"

BertyBurlington · 27/07/2011 13:39

why is one parent less able than another ffs?

hope she is having a great time. In school summer holidays you do things that stay in your memory forever

Original poster
redderthanred · 27/07/2011 13:41

Betty - at least its not just me getting comments then.

But for godness sake people, you know. its her actual father. How on earth would be it better for her to be with a childminder than be with him? i just dont get it.

And i have to work. if i didnt work id be on benefits. which i would also get bashed for. Feels like you cant win for trying really.

OP posts:
charliejosh · 27/07/2011 13:41

YANBU, ds is going to his dads for a month on monday because I am working and he is off for all of august. Like you say, it is her father, and far better for her to be with him than a cm!

HeIsSpartacus · 27/07/2011 13:41

I think the only response OP is to say "Oh well I would never deny my DD having fun or spending time with her dad" thereby implying they would deny that opportunity to their DCs. Or alternatively, "Ah well of course I miss her but it's not about ME is it, it's about DD having fun/spending time with her dad".

TBH they probably are jealous that your DD's dad is so obviously keen to spend time with her - lots of dads don't.

FrogmellaMoonbeam · 27/07/2011 13:42

That is a fantastic attitude to have from both yourself and your exh and I am sure that your DD will thank you for enabling her to build a wonderful relationship wih father. Why would anyone think it would be better for her to be at home with you and having to go to a childminders when her father is willing and able to have her. Good on you for being able to put your DD first because I know I would struggle in your situation.

squitch · 27/07/2011 13:42

I get this as well, really pisses me off. My dd is at her dads at the moment (well at the beach) having a ball! I am redecorating my living room (not having a ball) - I am especially cruel hearted though as I work term time so am on holiday at the moment as well, whats the saying? ' you can't please anyone fucking ever, so fuck them' (well in my world that's what the saying is anyway)

Birdsgottafly · 27/07/2011 13:43

"So, why are people being bitchy and smug to me about it".

Because it makes them feel better about themselves, they cannot bring themselves to openly say how jealous they are so they just bitch in a way so it makes you feel bad.

Stop taking any notice!

Oh and tell them to go and get help for their separation anxiety issues (and frigged up thinking).

Original poster
redderthanred · 27/07/2011 13:46

Shes having a fab time. To be fair hes doing loads with her, far more than i would have done.
Hes sending me videos so i can see too.
Hes been to the libary to get the reading list books and they have started on them.
Hes booked her in with swimming lessons every day.
Hes taught her to ride without stablisers in 2 days.
Shes been to the park, had friends over, tomorrow they are doing some childrens activity in the park. LOADS
Hes cooking healthy food, lots of veg, apparetly she had a salad for lunch yesterday! lol. Shes in bed at a good time too. You cant ask for anymore.

I know shes having a blast because she wont talk to me. If she was upset she would. And shes not talked to me other than to say ' hello mummy, bye' :)

But it seems to most mums this isnt good enough. Of course id like to be off with her, fact is i cant be off every school holiday for the entire lenght of it. And personally, i cant see that this is even a bad comprimise for anyone other than me missing her a tiny bit.

OP posts:
AnansiGirl · 27/07/2011 13:47

Frogmella beat me to it, but thank
I knew there had to be someone out there who had split with her partner but had managed to be selfless and loving enough to share nicely.
(Please don't all pile in ranting about abusive exes, I know that's different)
What a fantastic attitude, your daughter will know she's loved by both of you.
You are right, it should be about her, but so many seem to forget that.

StrandedBear · 27/07/2011 13:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LesserOfTwoWeevils · 27/07/2011 13:49

YANBU.
It sounds like the best possible arrangement for her and it's great that you and your ex are on good enough terms to co-operate for your DD's sake. You sound like great parents.

AnansiGirl · 27/07/2011 13:50

It's not just MN that depresses me sometimes, it's all the pupils I teach that don't have the benefits you give your child and are forever walking the line between two adults that can't be civil or pleasant about each other.
So thank you OP. That's cheered me up.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 27/07/2011 13:50

Well he sounds great, your DD will be having a ball!!!!

My sisters kids wont talk to her when they are with him...but then, when she takes them away they dont talk to him!! They're all the same in some ways.

Like you say, a million times better all round if she is with her dad than with a cm and if this way works easier for you then no one has the right to judge you.....i tell my sis than until people walk in her shoes they dont know how her life is and have no right to judge her.

Birdsgottafly · 27/07/2011 13:51

OP it isn't really a compromise, its how life is when parents live apart, if the DC is lucky and they are not in the middle of one big mess.

Your DD will grow up with a very healthy attitude to parenting and a very stable attitude to life and her own self esteem.

Women do themselves more of a dis-service than sexism ever could by displaying the attitude that the moment a DC leaves their mothers side, the mother shouldn't be able to function.

Original poster
redderthanred · 27/07/2011 13:53

ah. he was the most AWFUL husband. Abusive and such. BUT he is a very very good dad.
And actually a far better one then when we were together. I did actually tell him yesterday i was very proud of him and i didnt mean that in a patronising way, but just that he had done all that, thought of it all with no mention from me and just done it was fab.

frogmella - if you were in my situation you wouldnt struggle though, would you. because you would just make the right decision for your child. Basically thats the only option, else you end up fucking your child up. Shes not my possession to only share if i want to is she. Shes a person in her own right, with TWO parents.

OP posts:
EverythingInMiniature · 27/07/2011 13:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

worraliberty · 27/07/2011 13:55

You have a fantastic set up there and one that I'm sure your daughter will have very happy memories of.

But YABU to get annoyed when people say they couldn't be apart from their child that long....I mean not everyone copes the same do they?

My kids used to go to their Dad's every other weekend and I hated being apart from them.

ChaoticAngelofGryffindor · 27/07/2011 13:59

Lone parents can't win, whatever we do there's someone there to criticise.

Well done to you and your ex, OP :) You're both doing the best for your DD, she'll grow up to be a happy confident child with a great relationship with both parents because of the way you both put her first.

Ignore the jealous, judgemental idiots, they're really not worth a second of your thoughts.

lazarusb · 27/07/2011 15:48

My DB and I used to spend 6 weeks EVERY summer in another acountry with our GPs. Our parents only came to see us off once. I don't think anyone ever commented that they were letting us or themselves down by having that arrangement.
I think you should tell people that actually it's none of their business. You are happy, you miss her when she's not around. Your ex is happy and misses her when she's not around. She gets the best of both worlds and has a whale of a time. Ignore the dissenters- they have no idea.

exoticfruits · 27/07/2011 15:56

It is insecurity-don't worry. There are a lot of women who put themselves first and won't let go-so that their DCs never get time alone with grandparents etc. She is getting the best of both worlds her father is equally important to her-it must be insecurity to make it into a competition and have the weird view 'I am a better mother because I wouldn't let her have fun away from me'.

minouminou · 27/07/2011 16:57

I think that "it's not about me, it's about her" is a really good answer and should cause these naysayers to wither away like a dying triffid.
So there.
Don't forget, your ex is away from his daughter for longer than 11 days and no-one's piling in and whinging about that!
It sounds like a civilised, caring arrangement all round.
Good for you!

redexpat · 27/07/2011 17:20

I think a lot of women still don't believe men can look after children properly. I would say many comments stem from this belief.