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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be getting wound up by peoples comments on my daughter spending time with her dad.

50 replies

redderthanred · 27/07/2011 13:33

i work part time. My ex husband, and daughters father is off work for 5 weeks.
So - he has got her.
hes got her for 11 days, then shes back with me for 6 and then hes got her for another 11.

If one more person says ' oh. but i could never be apart from my child than long' seriously, im going to end up very very cross.

DD is with her FATHER. She is having an excellent time. Shes hardly spoken to me because shes having so much fun. Shes learning how to ride without stablisters, swimming everyday. Having friends over, going to the park, painting and spending time with her FATHER.

All things that she wouldnt be doing because im at work and she would be at a childminders.

And i think it would be wholeheartly selfish of me to have stuck her in the childminders when she could be doing all this with her dad. yes, of course i miss her... but its about her, not me.

So, why are people being bitchy and smug to me about it.

OP posts:

Dozer · 27/07/2011 17:24

Cannot believe how rude some people are! Knobheads.

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 27/07/2011 17:28

You are doing the right thing completely. He is her FATHER. And even if it were another relative or a friend or anyone your child was close to and you trusted it would be fine! Children learn to be confident by doing these things.

And I never missed my kids when they went elsewhere to stay (eg granpdparents). I am always puzzled by people who can't bear to be apart from their children - if they never learn to let go gradually, how will they cope when they fly the nest....

Ragwort · 27/07/2011 17:29

I see this attitude a lot from many mums - I do think it is an insecurity complex as they see themselves joined at the hip to their children and just can't imagine that anyone can look after their children as well as they do themselves.

I get some of this response because I send my child to a lot of holiday camps/clubs/sports activities etc and people whine at me 'don't you want to spend the holidays together?' - my reply is that it is not about me it's whats best for my DS (of course I enjoy the free time too ).

Ragwort · 27/07/2011 17:32

Another - good point about how some mothers will cope when their children leave home; some women genuinely can't bear it can they? I am looking forward to my DS leaving home, pleased that I have raised a happy, confident and independent child who is ready to get on with his own life.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 27/07/2011 17:32

Good for you, sounds like you havea terrific set up (I am not with DS' dad either, and they spend a lot of time together).
Some people can't get their heads round the idea that it;s possible to be good co-parents when you're not a couple and don't want to be.

allegrageller · 27/07/2011 17:38

You have a great setup and why shouldn't you also enjoy your own life while dd enjoys a full relationship with her dad?

I have 50% custody of my sons and although for many reasons I don't personally like this arrangement, the boys adore their dad and I'd far rather they had more time with him than less.

People have said similar to me. 'Oh, I couldn't BEAR to be away from them....' Once, recovering from acute stress, I decided to go abroad with DP for a 2 week break. xH was fine to have the boys. I got such shit from my PARENTS for that, as well as everyone else, that I felt like Lucretia Borgia, or failing that, Julie Burchill. Some sort of anti- icon of neglectful motherhood, at any rate. The boys when I returned were glad to see me and mildly pissed off I'd been away.

This year they'll be with xH and family on holiday in France for 2 weeks and I am sure will have a fabulous time. I will miss them, but DP and I will also enjoy some peace on the beach in Sicily!!

People fall over themselves to handwring over my boys from their 'broken home', but the fact is xH now spends far MORE time with them and focuses on them more than when we were together. And my boys are fabulous, open and warm individuals.

Just remember people are being jealous and ignorant because your setup is different.

NotaDisneyMum · 27/07/2011 17:44

I've been on the receiving end of this too, OP - the idea that a DC's father may be able to offer equally suitable, (or even more appropriate) care for his DC than their mother seems impossible for some people to comprehend.

The amount of people who judged me harshly when I proposed and agreed on a 50:50 care arrangement for my DD when her Dad and I split made the whole situation worse than it already was

My solicitor was incredulous, my friends were shocked, but the wost reaction was from my parents. While talking through job/house/money options with them, I mentioned that there was a chance my job would be moved, and rather than uprooting DD, I would consider her living with exH full-time until I got a job locally again.
They accused me of trying to abandon her, said some pretty horrendous things about their opinion of me as a mother, and my relationship with them has never recovered

DD on the other hand, is growing into a confident, capable, secure and at times, extremely challenging DC, despite being placed in the care of her (eminently capable) father for 50% of the time

I know from experience that it is not easy - there have been times when I have fantasised about him dropping off the planet - but it isn't about him, or me, it's about DD and she benefits hugely, so I've learnt how to cope

EricNorthmansMistressOfPotions · 27/07/2011 18:16

YANBU
DS goes away with his father for two weeks at a time, to his country. He has a wonderful time and it's great for everybody. I need a break too and I'm not ashamed to admit it! 2 weeks child free is bliss.

exoticfruits · 27/07/2011 19:09

I find it odd too -especially when they then spout it as a virtue. I think that minouminou's answer of 'it's not about me it is about her' is excellent.

So many women think that no one else can look after their DC. So sad for the DCs. A break and a change does everyone good.

ThatllDoPig · 27/07/2011 19:16

YANBU
Some great replies on here. Enjoy the fact that you are both being good parents and dd is having lovely time. A million times better than cminders. She is with a loving parent!

LillyTheMinx · 27/07/2011 19:18

YANBU. She's with her father FFS. Of course you miss her, but she's having a great time with her FATHER. Bruxeur - don't tell me off for using caps.

Just ignore them.

AmberLeaf · 27/07/2011 19:31

They are either jealous OR sad fucks who truely wouldnt know what to do with themselves if they were child free!

Ragwort · 27/07/2011 20:10

Good point Amber - last year DS and DH (we are not separated) went away for a week's sporting holiday - a sport I have no interest in - the number of people that said to me 'but what did you do?', 'how could you cope on your own?', 'weren't you lonely?' was pathetic. I had a lovely time home alone

I fail to understand why so many women cannot enjoy time on their own without their children - I am sure men don't have that problem

lazarusb · 27/07/2011 20:19

I just want to share this with you - I'm sorry if anyone thinks it's inappropriate.
My Mum left home home when I was 11 and she didn't want any contact other than on a Sunday afternoon. Other people immediately eyed my Dad with suspicion. When I was 14 I had some health/stress problems. My GP suggested that I was being abused, simply because I lived with my Dad.
Unfortunately there are people who don't think men are capable, loving parents. It's nice to see so many people on this thread proving them wrong. I'm sure fathers miss their dcs when they are separated too.

AmberLeaf · 27/07/2011 23:03

I have a lovely time when my DCs are away!

I really do shake my head at those people that get all pathetic about it!

Lazarus thats awful.

Mare11bp · 27/07/2011 23:26

Your ExH sounds great, as do you.

What a great example of how separated parents can still work wonderfully together.

Katyrah · 28/07/2011 01:16

YANBU, too many children miss out on proper relationships with their Dads, and echoing what everyones said it sounds like your DD is having loads of fun and that it was defiantly the right thing to do!

Who cares what everyone else thinks; you wont have a DD that grows up not knowing her dad/resenting you for restricting the times she sees him.

Lovesicecream · 28/07/2011 06:47

I wish my sons father had been like this , ds is now 16 and not once has his dad booked time off in the hols to spend time with him,! I'm sure if he had they would have a better relationship, instead my son feels his dad has no interest in him

I think they are jealous, for a parent to say they couldn't be parted from their dc's so they can spend quality time with their dad is pretty sad for the children and not realy putting the dc's needs above their own

lazarusb · 28/07/2011 10:31

Too many people see the children from a broken relationship as a bargaining tool. Your dd will thank you and her Dad when she gets older that she didn't feel torn between you.

Groovee · 28/07/2011 10:40

Why can't people keep their mouth shut and say nothing? As long as it suits you, your dd and her father, then who's business is it?

FernandoBanjo · 28/07/2011 10:54

I get this every time I leave the house, my nosy neighbours "oh DD away AGAIN?!"

I usually (truthfully) reply "Yes, she's having a ball in Spain/horseriding/camping/swimming/zoo/party etc etc, is your child enjoying the hols? He's in playing his X-Box you say? Ah. How nice. Well, I'm off for lunch ta-ra!"

They look at me with head-to-the-side pity! Fark off, it's great!

EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 28/07/2011 11:14

It's that stereotypical attitude. When fathers say they see their children every other weekend it's accepted as the norm, usually with some sympathy about how they must miss them. If a mother said she only sees her children every other week (50:50 custody) people judge her. It's not helpful to mothers, it's not helpful to fathers and it doesn't do anything positive for the children either. Obviously people miss their children if they're away but that applies to mothers and fathers equally. It's not about you it's about her sums it up perfectly.

kaluki · 28/07/2011 11:18

How lovely for your DD.
My dc spend a lot of the holidays with their dad or my Mum while I work and they are often away from home for 3 or 4 nights at a time.

Their dad is taking them away for a week in August and they can't wait.
I love them more than life itself which means I want them to be happy and don't want to keep them all to myself.

Children aren't possessions, they are little people in their own right and more people should realise this.

lubeybooby · 28/07/2011 11:19

YANBU!

I used to get this a lot too

"Ooh, she's with her DAD for three weeks oooh dear"

YES! She is with her FATHER, who she loves, he loves her, she's having a great time, she has regularly spent time with him since he left when she was a baby, and he is a nurse not atilla the hun. Ok? Yes I bloody well miss her but it's a bit tough isn't it.

Grrrrrrrrrrr!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 28/07/2011 12:40

They do it because they are bitchy and smug, OP. They're looking down their noses at you because they're not in your position so don't have to think laterally about the best way to dual-parent a child in an amicable fashion. Until they are in that position themselves they haven't a clue. Some of them will invariable find themselves in that position at some point. In the meantime, everybody should think about the comments they make to others and wonder how they would feel if they were on the receiving end themselves... but they don't, and they don't have the wit to keep their mouths shut either.

They're really not worth your concern. I hate wiomen like that... and it is always women that make such comments.

Your daughter is having a lovely time, you've sorted it out with your ex and everybody that matters is winning. :)

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