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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think women who talk about their husbands like they are little boys...

36 replies

thisfantasticvoyage · 27/07/2011 13:21

need to get a grip. Saw on another thread mentioning that the 'dh' is incapable of doing the shopping ffs. Which begs the question, do you women also wipe their bottoms for them?

OP posts:

worraliberty · 27/07/2011 13:24

I agree 100%

People can't wipe their feet on you if you don't lay down to allow it

rainbowinthesky · 27/07/2011 13:25

It's really common on mumsnet. Makes me shudder.

ZZZenAgain · 27/07/2011 13:28

I don't like it either, didn't read the thread you meant but I see a lot of speaking about men as if they are not all there or strangely incompetent

worries now if she has posted this kind of thing about dh ....

maybe I have

ThatllDoPig · 27/07/2011 13:28

I think lots of women don't want the men to do something, because they don't do it the way they (the women) think it should be done. A power thing. Meanwhile the men are all too happy to have their arses wiped etc

pigletmania · 27/07/2011 13:28

Well some men are very good at playing the child/ helpless role.

Punkatheart · 27/07/2011 13:30

Agree agree agree. I loathe this. I did once ask my DH if he had been to the loo - force of habit after doing same with DD. Generally, it is a ridiculous world where we infantilise capable grown-ups and they collude with it, because it gives them less to do, makes women into martyrs.

SO YES WE NEED TO WOMAN UP SO THEY CAN MAN UP.

(Sorry for shouting!)

FreudianSlipper · 27/07/2011 13:30

makes me shudder too

posts like my dh is so silly i asked him to buy some mince and he came back with a packet of mints, silly man as if we can eat mints for dinner what silly things does your dh do are just pathetic

why do some women seem proud that their husband/partner can not cook, put the washing machine on, do the shopping, change a nappy does it make them feel more needed. hate to burst their bubble but actually they can they jsut some do not bother when they are henpecked so much

Thingumy · 27/07/2011 13:34

yanbu

But if they are happy living with a incapable human being,who are you to question them?

itisnearlysummer · 27/07/2011 13:37

My DH is great. There's nothing domestically I can do that he can't and vice versa.

However, my mum is almost proud of the fact her DP (in his 60s) can only cook steak and oven chips, can't use a washing machine, can't give up smoking, can't manage his own money, can't remember his grandchildren's names/birthdays (she has to remind him of both - he can't remember which children belong to which parents ), doesn't eat any fruit/veg, never changed a nappy in his life, can't go out for a drink without getting drunk...

I think these women see it as an empowerment of themselves, that they are so strong and these men are so weak. How would they manage without them?

It's pathetic!

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 27/07/2011 13:38

Much as I love my DH I couldnt wipe his arse....eeuwwww

AbsDuCroissant · 27/07/2011 13:43

I think part of it is a power thing, or a being needed thing. It can give you an ego boost if someone is dependant on you - look at fabulous me! DP can't survive without me!
But I don't think it is particularly healthy for either party. My parents spent decades like that - DF couldn't/wouldn't do anything domestic (couldn't cook, never cleaned, never looked after us) because DM wouldn't let him (she thought she could do it all much better) and because she thought it was her role as the woman in the relationship.

They've wised up since, and there's a more equitable split of housework, and both seem happier with it - DM as she doesn't have the whole burden of looking after a house and DF because he's treated as an adult and equal.

TrickyBiscuits · 27/07/2011 13:45

Hmmm some women do allow their partners to becom 'deskilled' in some things, the same way that some men do.

I think in probably the majority or long-term relationships, you can have a constant battle, or just get on with what you're better at. I'm bloody awful at tidying up for example, so my DH just gets on with it instead. Not because he's infantalising (sp) me, he's also crap at some things that I just do instead. I think often when we write about our partners in threads, we sometimes neglect to mention the other side.

Or maybe I'm just thinking hopefully!

worraliberty · 27/07/2011 13:46

It's amazing how many women think it's 'funny' their DH's can't work a washing machine, until the woman goes back to work...then it's suddenly not so hilarious.

oiwheresthecoffee · 27/07/2011 14:21

My mother treat my dad like this. And me to a leser extent. Drives me insane. I tell her to bugger off please stop but it does not good.
She stands over him cooking , constantly shouts at him when he is driving , mind that car , stop here its the traffic lights etc. Why why why ? Arrggghhh.

DeathOrCake · 27/07/2011 14:25

My MiL treats my FiL like that. It drives me and DH mad.
When we go to a restaurant, she will look at the menu and say 'look, Death's FiL, you'd like this, and this, but I don't think you'd like that'.

She will actually tuck his shirt in for him too

microfight · 27/07/2011 14:27

I know someone who actually did wipe her husbands bottom....they are divorced now. true story!

ZZZenAgain · 27/07/2011 14:28

well it is true sometimes it sounds as if the woman is almost proud of the fact that her dh is incompetent at something (or so she posts) and she is therefore competent because she sorts it out

I suppose abs is right and it is a power thing but I suspect subconscious, probably we all do it to some degree but some people are more extreme and that's when it hits you between th eyes because it comes across as so unpleasant

oiwheresthecoffee · 27/07/2011 14:31

Yes i think my mum has to be in control. she has to be the most capable one. She hates it that im grown up and dont require (hate having) her "assistance" in everything. Ive said it for years , she needs to be needed.
I hope to god my dad doesnt die first because shed be lost without someone to baby and i live no where near her.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/07/2011 14:35

Agree with you, OP, it is pathetic. I'm not saying that this is the only way it happens but I think that some women infantilise their partners to such a degree that they are then seen more as 'mummy' and not a 'woman' and then the woman is distraught that her partner has left her for another woman who is 'exciting'.

Ephiny · 27/07/2011 14:39

Yes I think it's ridiculous. I don't think I could have any respect for someone who was so useless and incapable for no reason, and certainly wouldn't feel very attracted to them. It's essentially casting you in the role of their mother, and that is really not a turn-on for me!

Maybe some women do get in the habit of speaking to/treating their husband like a child though, just from spending all day looking after actual children! DP has pointed out that I sometimes inadvertently speak to him in my 'dog voice' and have occasionally caught myself giving him a rub behind the ear or scratch under the chin .

ilovedora27 · 27/07/2011 14:42

Depends what the job is. There are some things I am incapable of doing like ironing properly so stuff looks like when a professional did it or you bought it from a shop instead of covered in tram lines, or trying to iron one piece for ages and it never looks uncreased.

Also cooking I think is hard unless its pre mix always seem to have consistencies wrong or doesnt taste like when anyone else made it. Using washing machine I do ok but I just put everything in at 30 and hope for the best as I have shrank so much in the past. It doesnt always get the stains out but I just buy primark and bin it if I cant get it out. My husband doesnt treat me as a little girl though he always appreciates my efforts but I am the worst wife ever in that way!

Ephiny · 27/07/2011 14:51

I'm terrible at ironing as well, but being honest that's because I don't really believe it's important and have never invested the time and effort into learning how to do it properly. I don't think I'm actually physically/mentally incapable of ironing, I just can't be bothered to really try. Which is not the same thing :)

Same for cooking, I think pretty much anyone can learn to cook basic simple meals from scratch with a bit of effort and practice. Depends whether you think it's an important skill to acquire or not.

ilovedora27 · 27/07/2011 14:57

hmm I dunno I think being able to iron a duvet so it actually looks completely unironed and flat is harder than doing a degree ime! I have been trying for a few months now and spend ages on it then when its flat it still has creases why oh why! It also was very important for me to iron it got me in a lot of trouble in the past I had no social life for months because when all my friends were out having fun I was doing 2 hours supervised ironing a night in the forces for months and I still left no better.

ilovedora27 · 27/07/2011 15:00

Also with driving some people never get the hang of it. It might seem simple to a lot of people but some do test after test and just cant get to grips with it. I think ironing and cooking are like that to some people.

kat2504 · 27/07/2011 15:07

My life is too short to iron duvet covers! They get creased back up after one night on the bed anyway.

On the original topic, yes it infuriates me when people think men are incapable. People complain if they don't pull their weight, then in the next breath make it sound like they are useless at housework. WTF do they think these men did before they lived together?

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