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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think finding condoms in DDs room warrants a discussion?

50 replies

NikkiSix · 26/07/2011 13:58

DD has recently turned 14 (April) and whilst changing her bedding last night I found an unused (wrapped) condom under her pillow. I told DH who said it was no big deal and it had probably been given to her by the school as part of sex ed or something. A flavoured condom?? I don't think so somehow.

She doesn't stay out overnight very often but has been spending a lot of evenings out not coming home until around 10pm. I also know that when she's out on the evenings, the same boy is with her (who has also knocked on the door for her a few times). AIBU to think DH is being totally naive or could it just be that she was given it by a friend as a joke or something??

OP posts:

wellwisher · 26/07/2011 14:02

She doesn't need to stay out overnight to have sex! I think this definitely warrants a discussion.

Might be worth reposting this on Teenagers or asking MN to move this thread there.

ShowOfHands · 26/07/2011 14:03

You can have a general chat with her, let her know that she can talk to you, ask questions etc. I'd do this as a mother of a teen anyway. No need to go in demanding or accusing anything. But...

One, if you usually change her bed and the condom is lying around then she's clearly not actively 'hiding' something from you.

Two, our schools/visiting sex ed/fpc people gave out flavoured condoms to all students.

Three, a condom's a good thing. If she is having sex, which she may not be, then she's got condoms and they're an absolute must.

oiwheresthecoffee · 26/07/2011 14:04

It may have been given to her. We had a centre by us that gave out free condoms , all kinds if we asked for them. By yes i think a little chat might be an idea.

Rhinestone · 26/07/2011 14:06

Hmm! OK, firstly don't overreact. My 'D'M found some condoms in my room when I was 15 - she had been snooping though - and went through the roof. Said some horrible things to me and I can honestly say our relationship has never recovered from that.

I wasn't planning on using them, I'd bought them as a dare on a girlie shopping trip!

I think you do need to talk to her but please stay calm and non-judgy. Technically, she's done nothing wrong by merely having an unused condom under her pillow!

It does sound as though this boy is her boyfriend though. But the calmer and nicer you can be the more likely she is to open up to you. Anger might push her in to doing something she may not really want to do yet.

edam · 26/07/2011 14:06

Chat would be a good idea but don't go in all guns blazing accusing her of doing something wrong. Whether she's having sex or not (and probably/hopefully the condoms are freebies) she is being responsible and deserves support. Make sure she knows she can talk to you, not just because you say she can, but because your actions show it.

V. good point from SoH about her wanting you to find this, btw...

seeker · 26/07/2011 14:08

Where is she when she stays out til 10.00?

Olivetti · 26/07/2011 14:10

Agree with the other posters. I was always stashing away things I thought made me look "grown-up" when I was a teenager. When we were 15, we managed to buy some booze at the corner shop, and I didn't even drink it, just hid a small bottle of 20-20 (the shame!) in my knicker drawer, and every now and then I opened the drawer, looked at the bottle dramatically, and hid it. I think I was hoping to be in a rather rubbish episode of Eastenders!

Original poster

NikkiSix · 26/07/2011 14:12

hanging around on the streets which I'm also not happy about but again DH thinks its fine and that I'm over-reacting and not giving her any independance

OP posts:

Deaddei · 26/07/2011 14:13

I would not be happy with dd staying out till 10pm at night, and she is nearly 15. She has plenty of independence in other ways.

GirlWithALlamaTattoo · 26/07/2011 14:13

Sounds as if it merits a discussion but not a bollocking. Likeliest worst case scenario - she's sexually active but taking sensible precautions. Even more likely scenario - she and boyfriend are thinking about it but not actually doing it. More likely yet, a friend gave it to her to tease her about having a boyfriend.

Try and have a chat with her about sex and sense - she's young enough for you to be worried, but old enough to do it anyway, and perhaps less safely, if you turn into fire-breathing dragon-Mum.

The important thing to convey to her is that it's her body, and she shouldn't do anything that she's not entirely and totally happy with. And that any boy who pressurises her is a knob. And that probably, most of her mates aren't doing it either, no matter what they say. Also that it's against the law, but that's never stopped a teenager since sex was invented.

Rhinestone · 26/07/2011 14:14

By the way that little episode taught me one thing - that I could not talk to my mother about anything like that. 20 years later and I still haven't.

I do think your DH is being naive too.

worraliberty · 26/07/2011 14:15

If she was given it as a joke I doubt she'd be keeping it under her pillow

Independance is one thing, but out on the streets til that time of night is quite another.

We have a small block of low rise flats around the corner to us and young teens hang around there til about 10.30pm on the holidays...kicking up a racket, smoking drinking and most definitely having sex..judging by the discarded condoms

Insomnia11 · 26/07/2011 14:17

Perhaps leaving a condom around is her way of initiating a chat? Just a thought.

LoveBeingAtHomeOnMyOwn · 26/07/2011 14:22

Please be careful when you speak to her. My mum found a little I had started writting to a friend in the school holidays and read it. Was actually quite innocent just said about a boy I'd met, might have said I'd kissed him. She completly over reacted and left me feeling like she thought I was a slag. I have never trusted her again, I have hidden many things from her, even things I wished I could have my mum for but because she has proved on a few occassions now it's all about her and what she wants/thinks I don't bother.

I would simply say you were making her bed and found this.

mumeeee · 26/07/2011 14:23

Finding a condom might not be a big deal but I would have a chat with her. But I would not let a 14year old just. Hang around the streets until 10pm. At that age our DD's would only be allowed out until 10 if they were going to a party or the cinema and then DH would collect them.

LoveBeingAtHomeOnMyOwn · 26/07/2011 14:23

*letter

slightlyunbalanced · 26/07/2011 14:29

I run a sexual health clinic and we are closely linked with the upper school (yrs 9-13).

We go in the the Sexual Health Nurses and actively encourage the kids to come and see us so they know where we are to to regisiter for free condoms.

Some of the kids are having sex and some of them just come and get some becasue all their mates are.

With the boys we encourage them to get some to try on on their won so they know what they are doing if they ever need to use one for real.

I wouldn't assume your DD is having sex but I would definetly try to open a line of communication with her, even if you don't "confront" her with the evidence, just let her know she can talk to you and you are not going to freak out, or she knows where to go for advice if she can't talk to you.

slightlyunbalanced · 26/07/2011 14:30

Apologies for the many many typos in my post

Ivortheengine8 · 26/07/2011 14:30

I agree with both love and mumee. My dad found a 'love letter' from a boy when I was 13 and he went ape (ok the boy was 17 and didn't have the best reputation) But I don't think he approached the situation well and I felt awful and never spoke to him about things like that again. My mum was the same really so I felt really alone and bad about it all.
Agree with mumee and wobbley too, if she is out until 10pm with the lad there is quite a lot she 'could' potentially get up to. Do you know where she actually is at that time?

ForkInTheForeheid · 26/07/2011 14:40

Not read all replies, just had to reply because when I was around your daughter's age someone dared me to get 3 flavoured condoms out of the machine at the swimming pool and I did. I was not having sex and had no intention of using them for anything other than looking at them (out of curiosity) or blowing them up like balloons (for a laugh)! It depends on the 13 YO, you'll know best as her mum but it could be completely innocent.

Mumwithadragontattoo · 26/07/2011 14:42

When I was a teen the slogan was "always carry a condom". That was so you were prepared if you ended up having sex even if you hadn't planned to in advance. I would say it is a good think that you daughter has a condom just in case. Probably at 14 she won't be having sex yet but at least the safe sex message has hit home. I would say have a general chat about sex (and the boy) but don't even mention the condom as she may feel embarrassed that you know she has it.

Countingwiththecount · 26/07/2011 14:44

Eeek. I would immediately instigate a dinner time curfew reschedule dinner for 3.30 and start talking about GCSEs 'getting serious about school' etc etc. I would also gag speak seriously with DH and remind him that at 14 your brain is not fully developed/ you are prone to make rash and risky decisions...

In all seriousness, from what I see of the kids who hang out in the streets on school nights, these are not the people you would wish your DD to emulate. These kids may be different, in which case, put me in my place.

I wouldn't follow up with a discussion immediately because I imagine she will be less receptive if you let on explicitly that you found the condom. Can you put it back down the side of the bed as if it had fallen there? Otherwise, placing it on her bedside table, where she is sure to see it could encourage her to come to you. Either way, keep a good eye on her.

Ivortheengine8 · 26/07/2011 14:44

Invite the boy around to dinner

seeker · 26/07/2011 23:01

My children have more freedom than most - but that does not include hanging round the streets .until 10.00 at 14. I would be more worried about that than the condom, to be honest.?

whackamole · 26/07/2011 23:05

I think it warrants a chat, but as others have said don't just have a go. My mum did when a purse I had lost was returned - it had a condom in it. I was 17 and she went ballistic, telling me I was mature enough etc etc.

We never were able to talk about stuff like that either before or after that incident but afterwards I definitely thought she was being out of order and over the top.

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