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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think finding condoms in DDs room warrants a discussion?

50 replies

NikkiSix · 26/07/2011 13:58

DD has recently turned 14 (April) and whilst changing her bedding last night I found an unused (wrapped) condom under her pillow. I told DH who said it was no big deal and it had probably been given to her by the school as part of sex ed or something. A flavoured condom?? I don't think so somehow.

She doesn't stay out overnight very often but has been spending a lot of evenings out not coming home until around 10pm. I also know that when she's out on the evenings, the same boy is with her (who has also knocked on the door for her a few times). AIBU to think DH is being totally naive or could it just be that she was given it by a friend as a joke or something??

OP posts:

MadamDeathstare · 26/07/2011 23:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BertieBotts · 26/07/2011 23:16

Inviting the boy around to dinner is a good idea

I agree that it's a good idea to have a chat with her about sex and relationships in general at her age anyway if you haven't already. I wouldn't assume anything from finding the condom. We got given all sorts at school - I think some were flavoured. I suppose it was to make us laugh and think that condoms were a fun and less scary thing (which sounds patronising now ) Or indeed she could have been given it or dared to buy it by a friend. Perhaps she hid it under the bed because she doesn't want to use it yet but was afraid you'd find it? It could mean she is thinking about having sex, in which case a talk would be useful. But if she's only just started dating and she's 14, I think it's unlikely. Still, a talk now could be useful for the future.

MissyMoo321 · 26/07/2011 23:24

A clinic sort of thing in my town that focuses on teen sexual health etc gives out flavoured condoms, I think its because they're the cheapest ones around. Definately talk to her, but not in a confrontational way.

BertieBotts · 26/07/2011 23:26

I wonder if the flavoured ones as well are to encourage teens and young people to use them during oral sex? I know I never have, despite knowing it's possible to catch an STD via oral sex.

marriedinwhite · 26/07/2011 23:29

I'm more concerned that you let your daughter stay out on week days until 10pm at just turned 14. Our DC are 13 and 16. DS is 16 and certainly does not stay out until 10pm on week days. If he goes out it is with friends we know and he tells us what he is up to and is expected to touch base - he does not go out to hang around and Monday to Thursday he has homework in term time.

LineRunner · 26/07/2011 23:29

Of course it warrants discussion, because you care about your daughter.

I would just say though that my 15 year old is given all sorts of 'freebies' at school including various varities of condom. Girls can also pick them up for free from the local young person's clinic. Also girls do pass the novelty ones around at her school 'for a laugh'.

I would just ay that my daughter has to be in by 9 unless a friend's parent is walking or driving her home. At 10pm there's just too many pissheads on the streets and it's dark.

TheSecondComing · 26/07/2011 23:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DioneTheDiabolist · 26/07/2011 23:35

It does warrant a chat, but as it is a v.v.v.v.v.difficult subject, I would open it with a comment on how responsible it is to keep a condom and take it from there. Good Luck.

Muckyhighchair · 26/07/2011 23:40

Just to be on her side,

I got given flavoured condoms at school. As well as lubed ones, extra large, tingling ones etc. I think we all came away with around 12 each. Most if not all were blown up, flicked around like toys.

HairBearz · 26/07/2011 23:42

Am I right in thinking that most of you agree to your 14 yo dd's having sex?

BertieBotts · 26/07/2011 23:45

It's a hypothetical question. I don't have a 14yo DD. But am of the opinion that you can't stop them doing it, so better to teach them all you can about safety and also waiting until you are emotionally ready.

pestroid · 26/07/2011 23:46

My first thought is she was either given them by a family planning nurse at school or through a family planning roadshow in your local town. There is probably a far stress free explanation than the one going through your head.

BertieBotts · 26/07/2011 23:46

(they are emotionally ready)

LineRunner · 26/07/2011 23:46

No, HairBearz, I am saying that finding a condom in a girl's room doesn't mean she is having sex.

My daughter's in possession of plays by Shakespeare but she doesn't read them.

honeyandsalt · 26/07/2011 23:46

I remember reading somewhere that teenagers need as much sleep as toddlers. You need to set an earlier curfew and text a reminder half an hour before it (eg 8.15 for 9.45).

Why embarrass her by bringing up the condom? It was probably just a freebie, it doesn't mean anything. My DH and his cronies all carried condoms in their wallets from the time they were old enough to have wallets, it was just for show :D

That said, imho you need to open a frank and honest discussion with her, 14 is grownup enough to be talking about the issues involved (about sex, but also drink, drugs...). This could be a great kick up the bum for you to open up a positive dialogue. Talk about your experiences, have a good laugh and a chat, don't patronise and yell, talk to her as an equal. Personal anecdotes will have far more impact than lectures, they really will!

Kallista · 27/07/2011 00:02

Definitely talk to her (nicely - be open & friendly). Say if she has a boyfriend that you want to meet him. If she admits she is sexually active & you shout at her you could push her away though & she should be able to confide in you.

If they are having sex it's difficult to stop them but do make sure she's not doing it just because she feels pressurised. Make sure you know where she is having sex (ie in a safe environment) & that she is not sleeping around.
Unless you want to be a grandma putting her on the Pill or getting her the implant / coil is a good idea (as well as buying condoms).

Discuss STDs & pregnancy risks but also the moral aspects of sex & relationships.

My older friend made the mistake of giving her 14 yr old DD too much freedom then felt bad when her DD later told her that she would have preferred boundaries as she was being led astray by a girl gang but found it hard to say no.
Hanging round the streets until ten pm at 14 is a bad idea - as well as having sex with just anyone, she could be taking drugs, drinking, fighting, vandalising, you just have no idea.

My friend's DD acted so angelic that my friend was shocked to find out she was lying about being at the library when she turned out to be having sex with random boys & had to go to the STD clinic.
Hopefully your DD is more sensible than my friend's daughter.

LessonsinL · 27/07/2011 00:05

Talk to her, but talk to her without presumption and also acknowledge the fact that she's using protection, even if she is having sex.

TheSecondComing · 27/07/2011 00:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LDNmummy · 27/07/2011 00:19

I find more fault in the fact that she is allowed out till 10pm.

Other than that, I would at least be chuffed my daughter is using condoms in an age where kids seem more ignorant about how easy it is to catch an STD than ever.

At least she seems responsible in that respect, and I would approach her without judgement over this as others have said.

I don't know why you think a school wouldn't provide flavoured condoms, as if they are some how more sexual than a normal condom. From what I know, anything that encourages teens to use condoms is utilised nowadays, including the novelty of flavoured condoms.

LDNmummy · 27/07/2011 00:23

Yes Hairbearz, In fact I will positively encourage it when my daughter gets to 14! Who doesn't want their 14 year old having sex

Goodness me, some people are a bit

marriedinwhite · 27/07/2011 00:30

I think everyone's said it OP. The issue isn't the condom it's the fact that your dd is allowed out until 10 o'clock at night for no specific reason. The issue isn't with your daughter.

manticlimactic · 27/07/2011 00:35

I remember my mum finding a bag of condoms in my drawer when I was 14. I had got them from the FPC when I'd gone to keep my mate company.Boy was I in trouble. She threatened to take me to the doctors to check my virginity was still intact!. Didn't have the sex talk though, she would have been mortified at doing that.

Have the talk but don't go off on one without getting the facts.

My DD is 15 and she has to be home by 8pm on school nights. 9 during the holidays.

DioneTheDiabolist · 27/07/2011 00:35

Hairbearz, I will doubt I will ever agree to my DC having sex under the age of 30.

However it will be their decision. I can choose to educate, encourage growth and try to influence that decision, or I can choose to take an idealistic standpoint which at best will fail and at worst lead them to having unprotected (in all senses of the word) sex before they are ready.

I know what I'm gonna do.

HairBearz · 27/07/2011 00:41

Sorry, just skimread the thread, didn't mean to offend you LDN.

LoveBeingAtHomeOnMyOwn · 27/07/2011 06:53

Hair, I'm not sure where you got that from either tbh.

Op have you decided what to do?

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