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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think saying "What?" is rude?

114 replies

dollydoops · 26/07/2011 11:54

Typical conversation between me and DP when she is watching tv or on computer:
me: DP?
DP: (silence)
me: DP?
DP: (silence)
me: DP?
DP: (annoyed tone) WHAT?
Me: why are you saying what? I don't like it when you say that Dp, can't you answer me nicely?
DP: you keep calling me! It's annoying!
Me: oh, never mind (by now feeling sad, angry and not wanting to say whatever it was any more)
is this normal? I find it very rude and disrespectful to say 'what'- is it just me?

OP posts:
Amiable · 26/07/2011 13:25

Not keen on "what" in our house - primarily because DD has a very slight hearing issue, so we are teaching her to say "what did you say?" or "what do you mean?"

Makes life much easier - WHEN it works! Wink

sue52 · 26/07/2011 13:25

What is fine. She is asking you a question after all. Pardon is cringe worthy.

FreudianSlipper · 26/07/2011 13:26

what is the correct word to use, as in what did you say i misheard you

pardon is french

i use both, what can sound a little abrupt at times

bytheMoonlight · 26/07/2011 13:26

Maybe it's the accent rather than the tone. I can imagine a haughty uber posh gentleman in tweed saying 'what' and not appearing rude, just well breed.

Say what in my estuary accent however and it quickly becomes rude. I would imagine that is true with many regional accents, think scouse for example

bytheMoonlight · 26/07/2011 13:29

spuddy can you expand on the 'please' useage?

I say please far too much. I am aware it makes me look lower class.

I believe the ruder you are, the posher you are seen to be, the better service you get.

I am far to polite and receive awful service.

limitedperiodonly · 26/07/2011 13:30

'Speak the fuck up you mumbling scrote' would be rude.

Many's the time I've wanted to say this to DH along with 'spit it out,FFS'

flaminglip · 26/07/2011 13:30

what limited? like, "ummmmmm.............can i ask you a question....? i think thats lovely, but it wouldn't get you anywhere in our house. In our house its "WHAT??!!" all the way.

'Pardon' is repugnant.

ShowOfHands · 26/07/2011 13:30

If you said 'thanks' or 'please' or 'darling' or 'superb' or 'marvellous' or a million other words it is easy to sound polite/grateful/affectioned/awed. What is merely a word, a question if you like and you take your own meaning from it. But you should never assume a person is automatically rude for saying it.

Pardon is also only a single word. And I can make that sound very surly and abrupt if I want to. I can also make it sound ironic or kindly or as if I'm admonishing.

Ephiny · 26/07/2011 13:32

I would say 'what?' if I didn't quite understand what someone said. Wouldn't occur to me to say anything else, or that it could be considered rude Confused. I suppose anything can be rude if it's shouted or said in an aggressive tone.

OP - sorry but it does sound as though you were being a bit annoying! That sounds quite an odd way to behave. Why didn't you just say what you wanted to say straight away?

overmydeadbody · 26/07/2011 13:33

YABU

The word What is not rude.

GnocchiGnocchiWhosThere · 26/07/2011 13:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Spuddybean · 26/07/2011 13:36

I think the theory/evidence is that people say please, sorry, pardon as a facilitator to something else. ie someone treads on your toe on the tube and you say sorry.

If you are mixing with people from the same culture as you the meaning will be understood so it would have facilitated the intended response - they apologise etc.

If not they may think you are genuinely apologising to them and say 'that's okay'.

There were really interesting/hilarious case studies of british people married to various europeans.

tethersend · 26/07/2011 13:36

'What' is posh if you say it twice in quick succession.

limitedperiodonly · 26/07/2011 13:37

what limited? like, "ummmmmm.............can i ask you a question....?

Yes, exactly that, flaminglip I'm always tempted to answer: 'No' but that would be cruel.

He sometimes says: 'A question for you...' which makes him sound like a 1950s quizmaster.

ShowOfHands · 26/07/2011 13:38

In our house we say 'eh whatty what what' in a broad Northern accent a la Jean from dinnerladies.

Spuddybean · 26/07/2011 13:39

Sorry, my above post for bythemoonlight

(i'm not really sorry but it was a conversational 'in')

bytheMoonlight · 26/07/2011 13:41

Ah well what do I care.

Working class through and through in this house and no desire to be middle class with all the competing and judging Wink

In my circles 'what' will always be considered rude and ill mannered .. and very chav!

Whatmeworry · 26/07/2011 13:42

This sounds to me like the exasperation of someone continuously being asked questions when they are trying to get something done, or raed a book etc.

OP, do you pick your moments?

limitedperiodonly · 26/07/2011 13:43

spuddy I read an article by a French woman who'd lived in London for years before she realised that English people often say sorry when that's the last thing we mean.

Like: 'sorry, to upset you...' I'd never realised it myself but do it all the time.

bytheMoonlight · 26/07/2011 13:43

Thanks Spuddy, sounds like an interesting read Smile

Spuddybean · 26/07/2011 13:50

There was one couple, British man, German woman. She never said please so he never did anything she asked!

Also people say pardon/what when altho they heard what was said, they didn't like it so didn't process it and ask for repetition to (subconsciously) give the other person the opportunity to revise their statement/question.

Or they do it consciously, stalling for time to think of the answer.

bytheMoonlight · 26/07/2011 13:54

I do that to dd! Say 'pardon?' disapproving tone when she has said something I didn't like, or if I want her to add please on the end to give her the chance to rephrase it Grin

sancerrre · 26/07/2011 13:55

Sounds really interesting spuddy, you don't have a link do you?

I find the differences between UK and US English interesting too. They don't seem to say please as much and I get the feeling its almost as if they feel they're being ordered to do something if you say please. (Correct me if wrong, anyone) And they say excuse me when we would say sorry, whereas for us excuse me would be asking someone to get out of the way.

And in answer to the OP, my DH does this too. I usually very quietly say "would you like a beer / shag", which he hears all right and then I've got his attention.

Off to google what spuddy said.

Rollmops · 26/07/2011 13:57

My nanny would wash my mouth out with soap if I said 'pardon'...
To OP, ask once and if the other party is not answering, make your own decision regarding time/place/whatever you were asking about and announce it with a polite smile.

C4ro · 26/07/2011 13:59

Am I the only one that read this and is nearly certain that dollydoops is my DH Grin
If's its you dearheart, then the reason I don't answer is because I am absorbed in my game, don't want to be distracted and I am also partly deaf. Just ask the question already and wait a few moments for it to sink in and I will reply with the answer/ solution/ location of your lost item when the latest wave of grues had been despatched in whatever game I am currently playing.
HTH

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