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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to just once want my DH to surprise me/do something spontaneous?

28 replies

maybeungrateful · 25/07/2011 21:43

Already feel like an ungrateful spoilt little madam even thinking this.

I can't fault my DH on any other level, but this. We don't really plan anything on birthdays/anniversaries anymore more due to the DCs and also because if I don't insist on us doing something, it doesn't happen.

I just want to have something lovely sprung on me, want him to be spontaneous and say early in the morning - 'why don't we.... today?' from his own volition. When I suggest something spontaneous, he'll normally agree but then have a little moan later that he had 'stuff to get on with' but didn't want to disappoint me/get me in a bad mood(?!!). Agreed his weekends are precious.

Whenever I hear of friends' DHs surprising them with xyz for whatever occasion it may be, I cant help feel forlorn and a tad jealous.

I know his personality type - a planner, and I am to a certain extent too but AIBU in wanting a little spontaneity once in a while??

OP posts:
nickschick · 25/07/2011 21:45

This has been my bugbear for 20 years Angry.

AuntiePickleBottom · 25/07/2011 21:47

i feel you pain, i would love for DH to surprise me.

Goodynuff · 25/07/2011 21:51

Why not suggest to him, well in advance, that this year you would like him to take care of the arrangements for your birthday, or anniversary? If you let him know that you are expecting it, and a rough budget, then as a planner type person, he should be able to handle it.

I felt DH and I were in a rut, and that it was always my job to organize anything, so that is what I did. It worked Smile I got a weekend away, he arrainged the babysitting, bookings, and everything.
If it works out, ans he ses how happy it makes you, he may be a lot bolder about stepping up in the future. Smile

Original poster
maybeungrateful · 25/07/2011 22:01

I suppose its not just the going out tho...

I'm forever picking up things/sometimes small gifts for him whenever I'm out shopping and have the time to go on a bit of a gander. Not because I want something in return but because 'I thought of him'.

But it gets to a point where its me who's doing all the thinking(!) and I've said this in passing to him...that it would be nice if he thought of me in that way and surprised me with a little something. At the time, its like a lightbulb goes on, and it registers, but nothing, NOTHING has ever materialised!

Goodynuff - thanks for the tip, did do that one year prior to our anniversary - bless him he did make the effort, but throughout his planning process, I was asked about almost every aspect, from timing, to type of gesture, etc... it kinda defeated the object of it being a surprise!

OP posts:
venusandmars · 25/07/2011 22:11

I know how you feel.

It's my birthday later this week (a big one that ends in '0'). We are having a special event on Saturday, which I know is costing a lot of money, so I'm not expecting any expensive present from my dh, however...... It became clear that dh has not thought about doing anything else, no plans for the actual day. He originally had a work commitment that day (which I completely understand) but it has been cancelled so I had to ASK him to take the day off.

I fear that I'm in for a rather disappointing day, so AIBU to be very clear about my expectations for the day? I reckon that by the time I've got to this age I have every right to be assertive about what would make me happy, so I've told him that I expect smoked salmon for breakfast, some flowers, some presents that he has put a little bit of thought into (not expensive, just a book or perfume, or something for the kitchen), AND I want to go out for a walk and a picnic lunch.

I think I'm being reasonable to let him know what I'd like to do (rather than risk a day with nothing special beyond going for a cup of tea with my elderly parents) but am I being a demanding princess? And it's not exactly spontaneous when I've had to ask for it all.

carocaro · 25/07/2011 22:45

You and my DH are from the same stable, not a jot of spontiniety for the past 22 years. He put the shopping away tonight after I'd been round Tesco and he thinks that is doing me a really big favour. Ooooh bug fucking claps all round. Sheeesh.

redexpat · 25/07/2011 23:44

I saw the title and thought ooh maybe I can get some ideas here! Maybe I should just resign myself to never being surprised for the rest of my life...

TastesLikePanda · 25/07/2011 23:49

I would love DH just once to do this... we both have the same day off once a fortnight, it would be nice if he said 'Hey lets go see a film' or whatever... Last time we were both off for the day he did say the night before about going out for lunch. I showered and dressed (which I wouldn't generally do on a day off!) and waited... At about 2.30pm I gave up and made myself some soup. At which point he made a fuss because we were going out to lunch Hmm
Silly me for thinking we would go out for lunch at lunchtime...

rainbowdrift · 25/07/2011 23:53

i suprised my DP with a weekend in london, including a show. also took him to a film museum as he a huge film fan. This was all arranged for his birthday. But i wont expect anything so suprising from him. i will be lucky to have him buy the gift! just want to feel special sometimes

TastesLikePanda · 25/07/2011 23:55

As a contrast - I took my DH to Florida as a surprise. I got him tickets for a sporting event and booked flights/hotel/time off work for him and everything.
(This was a couple of years ago when I was more irresponsible with my credit card less broke...

startail · 26/07/2011 00:10

23 years, and I'm still waiting. Bar booking the hotel for our wedding night he has never organised a night out.

thefirstmrsrochester · 26/07/2011 00:11

I know to expect bugger all and that way I will never be disappointed. My gifts for DH are always thoughtful - tiny book of studio photos of the dc etc - and in return over the years I get the likes of sandwich toastie/welly socks/gloves .... Oh, and sweet FA for my 40th.
TBH if he came up with a surprise treat now I would pass out with the shock.
I just buy myself nice stuff instead. You can't make a leopard change his spots.
It sucks tho.

crystalglasses · 26/07/2011 00:17

Me too. My dh never wants to do anything with me but will always jump to it when his family ask us over, or his mates want to go out with him. I have to arrange everything (and usually pay for it) from holidays to meals out to visits to the cinema, theatre etc. Recentl;y we had a 'holiday' to visit his relatives but he doesn't want to go anywhere on holiday with me or the dc.

I've had it out with him recently, saying that I'm really miserable about it all but it doesn't seem to have penetrated.
I've even thought about whether we'll be together in future or whether we should split up. I know he would be shocked if he knew I was thinking about it (even though it's just an idle thought).

Ok - moan over - now I've got to count my blessings as he's very supportive in other ways

thefirstmrsrochester · 26/07/2011 00:26

Crystal, I had the same idle thought. Tis rubbish to be unappreciated. Bah, men Sad

AbbyAbsinthe · 26/07/2011 00:43

It might be an idle thought now crystal....

ggirl · 26/07/2011 00:55

god i know exactly how you feel
have been with dh for 26yrs
in that time he has suprised me 3 times..all wonderful and he got such a great response from me you'd think he'd learn and do somethiing again?!..no chance

he regularly gets me sweet fuck all for my birthday..I don't get it ,it's the same day every yr and he just doesn't organise himself
wouldn't miss a game of golf though

He is crap at things like this and he knows it. I keep thinking I will get him bugger all for his birthdya but I can't do it and tbh I don't think he'd care anywya.

wonkylegs · 26/07/2011 00:57

Ditto not a jot of spontaneity here either. He did manage to sneak up with asking me to marry him all those years back but that's because it was in the middle of a family crisis so I had a lot on my mind. Every other occasion in our life from birthdays (not just mine) to holidays to even nights out with his our friends all have to be planned and usually executed by me. He's generous and loves me but spontaneous he is not. I'm more than a tad jealous of others but rarely let it get to me except when I realise that once again I've made all the effort for DC and DH's leant his support done bugger allAngry

lovelyredwine · 26/07/2011 08:27

I know exactly what you mean; I think that men are generally more practical than spontaneous. I have decided to focus on the things my DH does that are thoughtful, but in a non romantic way. For example, when I was heavily pregnant I found it a bit of a squeeze getting into the car when it was in the garage; my DH would move the cars around every night so that mine was outside the garage despite the fact that he had to leave for work before me every day and I got home before him every night. It involved a bit of faff morning and night for him, but he did it as it made my life that bit easier. Totally practical, but shows that he really does care bless him. He does stuff like that regularly but has not bought me flowers, for example, for years! That's fine by me as he's such a love in other ways (although a bit of a surprise is always lovely!).

crystalglasses · 26/07/2011 08:33

I'm glad it's not just me.

Lovelyredwine - my dh does similar things, so I know he's thoughtful in other ways.

Original poster
maybeungrateful · 26/07/2011 10:19

so it's not just me, pheeeeww.

lovelyredwine - i tell myself the same thing on a regular basis, just to put things back into perspective. It's just that sometimes, this issue rears its ugly head and it's always when I hear about what other DHs are so easily capable of coming up with.

OP posts:
grovel · 26/07/2011 10:36

I sympathise totally. My DH though once pointed out that I tended to second guess his spontaneity ("Can we afford it?"etc) which made him reluctant. I've had to train myself to be delighted whatever he does.

zelda1982 · 26/07/2011 11:12

If dp was to get up and say "lets go to the beach" (or where-ever) i'd think "oh-no" Not because i dont want to go but because i'm the one who will have to sort kids out, change of clothes/towels/2p's for amusements/drive there etc etc So its not exactly a good surprise. lol

WasSparklies · 26/07/2011 12:08

Another one sympathising and in the same boat. I didn't even get a card for our recent wedding anniversary, we haven't even been married that long! Guess who does all the presents etc for his parents too, and tell him what to get me for my birthday. It's always, always down to me to do everything of that nature. I'm sure he wasn't this bad when we first started going out 8 years ago.

I really, really would love a (nice!) surprise. Just once.

Or at least a suggestion to do something other than go shopping which he moans about when we're there anyway.

squeakytoy · 26/07/2011 12:19

Same here too.. I would love someone else to organise our holidays, book it all, sort everything so that all I have to do is pack and get on the plane.. but it is never ever going to happen.... my husband has his qualities, but arranging things and organising our life, or setting up surprises is just not one of them.

When I was 40 I sort of hoped he would organise some sort of suprise celebration, and he did say to me "do you want a party"... I replied, "I dunno..." and that was it..... and when I said after that I thought he might have done something.... he says "well I asked you".... and I thought yes, he did.. but for gods sakes its not exactly going to be a bloody surprise is it...

Whatmeworry · 26/07/2011 12:22

There is another thread on here where DH organized a surprise but it interfered with the OP's wish to be around for her Dc's exam results and now she is in knots so be careful what you wish for :)