...to insist DH has Cat put to sleep??

[JulyOrAugustThatIsTheQuestion]

The said cat is 16 and he is DH's cat as he's had him from a kitten and I've only been around half that time.

The cat has had dodgy back legs for ages and in all honesty we weren't expecting him to get through another winter. However, its been brought to a head over the last couple of weeks as he's now limping badly on his front right.

DH kind of buries his head in the sand where the cat is concerned and only sees what he wants to see. I did however insist that he took him to the vets last week to which they've given him some anti inflammatory drugs.......but after a weeks use they've not really had much of an improvement and he's not been able to go out for that time because I'm worried he'd get run over or stuck somewhere.

I've called the vet this morning to speak to her (quite impressed she did speak to me and not ask me to just take him back down there and charge me the consultation fee) and explained the drugs haven't done much. She pretty much said if they were going to work then they would have done by now. She has said that he could have another painkilling drug on top of the current ones if we wanted. I was quite blunt with her and asked if it would be unreasonable for me to suggest that we now call it a day with the cat, to which she replied 'not at all'. She said the subject had come up when DH was there but she didn't feel that he seemed ready to make that decision so didn't push it.

I've spoken to DH (albeit whilst he's at work) and he still just doesn't seem to get it and really doesn't seem to be prepared to make that decision.....I think he's thinking he'll put him on the other painkillers too.

I did also say to him before that I wouldn't be the one to take the cat to the vets to have him put to sleep as I've had to do my own fair share with my own dogs and its too heartbreaking, as a pet owner is your own responsibility. I know that's harsh and am feeling mean now that I said it, so will in fact offer to do it for him if that will make it any better for him (not that I will like doing it one little bit - I've been inconsolable when it was my dogs....one of which was very recent

Soooo after that long history (sorry!), do you think I'd be unreasonable to insist that DH makes the decision to have him put to sleep??? I would never let someone else tell me what to do with my animals but then I would never leave them too long and let them suffer and I just don't know if DH will ever make the right decision.....

Just to complicate matters I am 39+3 weeks pregnant so not really the best timing for any of this........but then the poor sod didn't choose to be hurting now.

What to do, what to do?!?!?!?

YABU to insist DH has the cat put to sleep. YANBU to insist he pays attention to kitty's symptoms and makes a decision.

My boy is 17, and has heart disease, epilepsy and arthritis. With meds, he's happy and enjoying life, but the day he starts to really suffer I'll take him to the vet.

If they know when to kart themselves off to die then they know when they are in pain. Humans dont know or understand why they are in such pain until someone tells them. Babys dont have any idea when they are born what pain is. Hence the child that had hypothermia lost in the snow and her toes rot off but because the baby had no sense of what fear was or what was happening to her she lived.

Animals cant speak but their actions depict how they are feeling and so the onus is on us to remove the pain and get them treatment. They dont have a fear of dying either due to nature but have a fear of pain and being cornered etc hense the survival instinct kicks in and they try to protect themselves.

I suppose I am trying to say just because we bought or took on a pet we dont own its life to do what we want with it. We owe it our respect and care.

Reading the thread, I get the impression that op's hubby is behaving like most men when it comes to emotional decissions. Honey, tell him to man up and do the right thing for puss. Oh, and hope that you are never in an awful accident that means he has to decide whether to switch off your life support or leave you vegetating till kingdom come.

Such a difficult one. I can completely see where both you and your DH are coming from here. It's an awful decision to have to make, as you know from your recent situation with your dog and it's often hard to know where to draw the line at how much suffering is 'too much'.

You obviously can't 'insist' that your DH puts his cat to sleep, but of course you have a responsibility to this animal also, and if you feel he is suffering too badly then your opinion needs to be listened to.

On a practical note, I would advise that you and your DH don't get stuck in polarised camps on this, you need to have some form of agreement to stop possible resentments in the future. Could you sit down now and agree on some kind of future action? So you agree to try to additional drugs, and x else, for a certain amount of time, then make a joint decision on what you should do in the event that there is no improvement?

Apprentice - that's exactly the case. As for life support machine, I've always told him to turn it off plus my mum would 'insist' he did!!!

DH has come home and we've spoken. I reiterated what the options were without giving an opinion and said it's his cat, his choice. His idea was to see how he got on trying to get out of the cat flap......see what I mean about blinkers!!!! I explained that was irrelavant, he can be let in and out of a door if need be, but I didn't need a cat flap to see his legs aren't working properly, he quickly saw my point but that was his way of trying to duck out of making a decision.

Choices given were:
Put cat to sleep
Give new drugs as well to see how he got on.
Keep cat as indoor cat whilst taking the drugs if they didn't work well enough to mean he could go out again.

DH decided to call the vet.......fair enough.

He's had the same info as I was given, I think she felt she could be more blunt with him now and he's 99% decided that he needs to say goodbye.

I've offered to do it for him if he doesn't think he'll get anything out of taking him himself (I couldn't have let anyone else take my dogs) but he says he wants to do it himself.....again fair enough.

Now I do need to make sure he does actually do something, he'd quite happily jog on saying yep I'll call the vet tomorrow for god knows how long.

DH looked at him properly tonight too and said 'you alright mate, you look miserable' NOT words I've ever said so completely his own thinking.

I've read the first and the last. I'm also a cat person and have lost a small baby and parent and had a new baby miraculously when she wasn't expected. I think some of this is serendipity - you have a new life coming to replace an important life. You have to let time take its course. On a practical note have you thought about asking the vet to hospitalise the cat when the baby comes for a week so that a) you know the cat is being looked after and cared for when you and DH can't and b) to take the pressure off from a worry persepctive about who is looking after the cat and dealing with the litter etc. If you are insured this shouldn't be a problem - our cat was very ill earlier this year - 50/50 and because the dd would not have coped with disasters when she got home from school and because I have a full time job, the vet took him in for 4 nights and the insurance paid.

Our moggy- joint owned but adopted in my name- was 17 when we had her pts.
She'd had 4 litters and was neutered pregnant before the rehoming centre got her as a 2 yo.Her owners had 4 dogs and decided they 'didn't want the cat' but never bothered to neuter or innoculate her.
When we adopted her she developed eczema and was on tablets most of her life.
She lost alot of weight in her latter years though still ate fairly well.
When I took her to vets she weighed less than 5lb and was struggling with the heat.Her elderly cat friend next door had died.She didn't get on with the new cats in the area so tended to stay in the house or her garden.
The vet said she had high thyroid levels which could cause heart attack and fits or blindness in a cat.

TBH if it was a dog I might have let her carry on a bit longer if I could keep a close check but cats can wander off and die alone.
I wanted her last days to be dignified and painfree.When I broached having her PTS the vet did say,:"For what it's worth,I think you are making the right choice"

I took her home to discuss with DH, he was a bit but we made a joint choice.
I took our cat in the next week and it was very tranquil and calm.

I know I made the right choice for the cat.
If I'd got her countless blood tests and tablets, who would it be for? Not her that's for sure.
She was 15 years with us. She had a lovely life after her rough start.It was up to us to give her a good end. Which we did.

This is a difficult one.
We were in a similar situation 3 years ago but it was my cat. He was about 16 too. The most lovely, big fluffy, friendly cat I have ever known.
Anyway, I was also pg at the time but not that that had anything to do with the situation.
The cat was ill for a while and we took it backwards and forward to the vet, but near the end his back legs were starting to give up. He would keep almost falling over. one morning he just fell over and couldn't get up, he was meowing so we knew that it was time to take him to the vets. one of the hardest things I've had to do but it was right for the cat. we couldn't let him suffer.

If the cat does what ours did then I think you will know that its time.
But it is for you and your husband to decide if and when, unless nature makes the decision for you.
hope this helps.

OP, you might find this helpful - it's an American scale called the HHHMMM scale to help owners assess quality of ife issues when faced with your situation. link here

Don't ask a question in AIBU then get so bloody defensive when ppl don't agree

IMO you sound very sneaky going to vet behind DH back and asked vet specifically if it should be put down

The vet does not say any thing about not putting it down but offers alternative meds. Your twisted little mind then thinks because the vet did NOT say to NOT put it down, she was in a 'round about way' telling you to do it

Just admit it's what YOU want so you have heard what you want. I think you're awful btw

YABVVVU

Kayano -What was that about? OP is at home all day watching the poor thing suffer while DH is out. It must be upsetting enough to have to deal with without your agressive and unhelpful comment.

I cant watch this thread anymore. Its wrong and upsetting. I still repeat if it is still eating, drinking and as you say walks accross the kitchen and is asking to go out. Likes to be stroked then it still wants to be here. A simple chance at life of another pain killer might do it and make all the difference. I would at least get them while you decide to end its life to at least make the poor thing comfortable whilst choosing its sentence at least its not suffering in the meantime.

Wont be back to post anymore

I think give the next lot of painkillers a go.

If he still seems to be suffering after that then your DH is going to have to put the cats needs above his own.

It is very hard when an animal who has been a part of your life starts to hurt and you need to make some hard decisions. my cat is just starting to slow down and she is worrying me. I adore her but she had an appalling start to life and has some health issues that all the kind treatment in the world have not been able to fully correct and she is starting to suffer with them now she is older. I think it very likely that I will be in your DHs position in a year or two and that is going to be horrible.

Yes op how dare you not want to see your cat suffer!

It's a cat not a person ! You can't stop it weight baring on it's poor arthritic legs! A person suffering like that would use a stick or if realy bad a wheel chair!

And who realy thinks doping up the poor thing is the humane thing to do? It's not going to have a clue what's going on, will probably start walking around more causing more damage to it's joints then in a couple of weeks time when it gets used to the strength of the painkillers the poor thing will be in more pain

It's bad enough that people have to suffer and be in pain but inflicting that on a poor animal that can't understand why it feels so bad is just uncalled for

I agree with you completely Lovesicecream - well said!

Kayano - I think you post is very offensive and completely uncalled for. The OP is the one caring for the cat for a lot of the time - in fact the one who insisted that the cat needed to be seen by a vet in the first place. On that occasion euthanasia was discussed and the OP wasn't even there.

YAnBU, and I love cats

People calling the OP 'twisted' and 'sick' are really coming across as quite loopy IMO

Kayano - if you're going to bother commenting then at least read the posts properly. I'm not quite sure what the answer 'not at all' or 'no' translates to you then when the vet was asked if was unreasonable or wrong to think it's time to say goodbye.

As for being sneaky and going behind DH's back......I did no such thing at all thank you!!!!! My husband was fully aware I would be calling the vet AND what the detail of the discussion would be about, so please don't assume!!!

My question was AIBU to insist DH put him to sleep to which I accept that yes IWBU.......so DH has made his choice as detailed in previous post. No doubt those that thought DH was much more loving to the cat etc will now think DH is an awful selfish person blah blah blah.

Loveicecream /Fanjo and picture - thank you you see it exactly how I do!!!!!

I had a horse with sarcoids, a form of cancer, which I had treated for 4 years. Last year the treatment was very aggressive ending with an slow healing wound in the groin which had to be washed out 3 times a day but still ended up with maggots in) but it was partially successful and we had a good winter. However the wound re-opened and the vet and I decided that to continue further treatment with no chance of success - wherever the cancer was removed from, it reappears elsewhere - would be unkind on the horse so the decision was made that the horse would be pts before the flies arrived. I wanted to give him a few weeks on nice fresh grass and feel the sunshine on his back before I had him put down.

5 weeks on, and I went into the field in the morning to discover him very sore and bleeding like hell from the site - vet called and we found that the root of the cancer had grown into the artery and ruptured and he was effetively bleeding to death. He was put down there and then and I still haven't forgiven myself that his last few hours were in pain and distress, because I wanted to make myself feel better about having him put down after a nice few weeks.

I don't know really what my point is, but making this decision is so so hard, and think the op has had some way over the top criticism, I don't believe that any pet owner makes the decision because it's convenient for them. We try to do what we think is best, it doesn't always work and it's horrid, but we try.

I just wanted to say my DH is very much of the opinion that an animal shouldn't suffer at all and I know that if the time comes for any pet of ours to be put to sleep he'd be the one opting for it sooner rather than later, and I'd be the one hoping to find something that would prolong life a little bit.

I hope OP you're OK. I've seen some of the awful responses you've had from some people on here (though I haven't read them all). I realise that you're very near to having a baby - and whilst I'm not normally of the 'treat pregnant women with kid gloves' camp, I can't believe that people have responded like they have to you. Being stressed by things like this so close to having a baby isn't the best thing. Take it easy.

Frosty - bless you, I too have had horses and have seen horses with Sarcoids and it is a tough one to call. Unfortunately for me my horse was elderly, the vet said she had a twisted gut and advised that she be put to sleep. AFTER the event another lady on the yard who I respected massively for her horsey knowledge, told me she disagreed with the vet and that she thought it was colic and she shouldn't have been put to sleep. I wasn't actually part of the decision making as I was at work and my auntie who I shared the horse with said she needed to make the decision there and then.

Although it was seriously unhelpful to be given the other opinion after the event (she was there at the time and friends with my auntie but didn't voice her opinion) I do know that my auntie did what she thought was best at the time and I do take comfort from the fact that I know my horse didn't suffer.

I think it is fair to say I'd rather take the decision slightly earlier than some others but be confident that my animal didn't suffer, rather than leave it later and have any regret. However, it isn't always possible and in your case, it doesn't sound like you would have known that would have happened. Had you, then of course you wouldn't have waited.

Just to say, I think you're handling this spot on. You would be unreasonable to insist on pts, but you are reasonable to keep on talking to your dh so that he does take some action. I think Lovesicecream is also right with her views, that's how I've seen it when my cats were in their final days.

And, yes, it's "his" cat, but he's a member of the whole family, isn't he, so you do have some say. And unfortunately some people (can be men or women) are so soppy that they find it hard to make these hard decisions. When I took my 14 year old cat in to the vet, with suspected kidney problems, quite suddenly onset, and phoned dh at work to say I think we'll have to pts, he couldn't talk to me for blubbing, and had to call me back. Had no idea he was that attached to MY cat! Happened with that one's sister 2 years later too...

He needs to get to the decision being the right one in his mind before it happens though.

Good luck, not an easy time, and good luck with your new baby!

ThereIsALight - thank you! I don't think I put my point across very well tbh. But going from some of the replies, with or without baby I think there would have been a lot of 'YABU' replies due to the general disagreement of when the time is right or not which is fine and be be expected. The baby has just given some people an easy argument against it (partly as I say because I don't think I explained it very well).....some helpful 'YABU' replies and some just completely pointless except for trying to be nasty but hey ho.

Thanks DHwonTheDadsRace......and well done to your DH too :o

DH is most definitely struggling with this, last night he knew what he wanted to do, this morning I just asked if he was going to make a call to the vet and he didn't really answer. The cat then had a drink but walked away from the fresh food I'd just put down.....complete first and actually took me by surprise!!!!! DH commented on it but I said nothing.

Tonight I will 'insist' he does something, either get the tablets if he's changed his mind or make the appointment.

YABU to insist that your DH has the cat put to sleep. Our Cat became very I'll about 18 months ago and we had to have her put to sleep. It was a few weeks after DD2 started uni. We made sure it was a family decision I phoned DD1 and 2 and explained the situation and asked what they thought. The Vet did give us an option of having mire treatment. They agreed that it would be best fir the cat but I would not have insisted that we put the cat to sleep if they didn't want to.