To think that DH shouldn't automatically expect a bonking session just because the DC won't be at home...

[MondayCrap]

because it's really pissed me off!

We have a pretty good sex life although he's always had a higher libido than me - ie he would be at it every night if I was up for it. We don't get to have the house to ourselves very often because we have DC, one of whom is a teen so is up till quite late in the evenings; even more so at the mo with it being the holidays.

I was speaking to DH at lunchtime today and told him my mum has offered to have the DC stay at hers tonight. His reaction was 'oh good, we can have a bit of 'fun' tonight then' - which translates to a bonking session. My heart sunk because I was thinking, ooh good, a night off from the DC, I can be lazy, sit in front of the TV, have something easy for tea, watch what I like on tv and just chill out. But his assumption of a bonk night just makes me think that now I have another 'job' to do

Is that terrible of me? I do enjoy sex, and the chances are we would have ended up doing it anyway, but the way he just assumes that we will has turned me right off and now we'll probably have a night of me being in a huff and him sulking. I just hate the whole idea of 'planning' a shag - surely it happens when you're in the mood. Taking away any spontaneity just makes me think 'meh' and reach for my fleecy dressing gown.

MondayCrap - this thread has actually (to my shame) made me lol as I totally identify with your situation. YANBU, but reading some of the responses does make me appreciate that DH still finds me attractive regardless of how scruffy I look.

SCGB - not neccesseraliy, DH does all of the cooking and a fair amount of the housework here. I think just sometimes that the expectation of a certain "performance" rather than a quickie can be a passion killer regardless of the household tasks split.

Just lie back and think of England :o.

Haven't read all the thread but I'm with you. An expectation means I instantly put it right at the bottom of the 'things I want to do' list!
But I can also see what he means. It's nice to take advantage of opportunities.
We had a (slightly awkward, to begin with) conversation when I tried to explain that starting an evening with 'Excellent, the baby's finally asleep, so now we can...' didn't make me go weak at the knees with desire. I too, was more likely to see this as the chance to have a bath or read a book etc etc, and suddenly to be told that someone else had other plans for me was irritating to say the least. However, I suggested that if he wanted sex, then maybe he should think about it first and come up with ways to ensure the mood was right (run the bath for me, as a surprise, or make me a drink). That way, he was likely to get what he wanted, while I was less likely to be left feeling like a piece of kit he happened to need to achieve his goal!!!!

YANBU but then neither is DH in this case. I always try to think how I would like to be treated if it was the other way round, and too many refusals will mean his first thoughts will no longer be with me eventually, so I think I'd go for a compromise.

As others have suggested, say you are tired so you are in for a quickie etc followed by rest and recuperation. I don't think I could bear an evening of "romance" with the puppy-dog wag expectation of gymnastics at the end :o

YANBU but then neither is DH in this case. I always try to think how I would like to be treated if it was the other way round, and too many refusals will mean his first thoughts will no longer be with me eventually, so I think I'd go for a compromise.

As others have suggested, say you are tired so you are in for a quickie etc followed by rest and recuperation. I don't think I could bear an evening of "romance" with the puppy-dog wag expectation of gymnastics at the end :o

Goodness this thread has made me realise how weird different i am. i only ever have 'planned sex'. the idea of spontaneity makes me and DP shudder.

We love scheduling it, looking forward to it, spending the day sending obscene emails/texts, getting dressed up for it etc.

If i ever just come on to DP out of the blue he jumps a mile. I would be a bit more desperate receptive but it's never happened the other way.

Even if we are at home on a weekend and we start kissing and i suggest bed DP will look at his watch and say 'i've got x to do for an hour and then x to do for half hour, so shall we say 4 o'clock?'

Which is fine with me, gives me time to prepare.

Although we are ttc and i have told him i doubt this approach will work with babies around - from what i've heard you've got to grab the opportunity when you can get it!

blimey spuddybean I can't even IMAGINE being like you guys. Isn't it funny how everyone is totally different? but good too.

i wonder what it is about spontaneity / planned that makes different people's skin crawl? I wonder what makes you one or the other? any psychologists out there?

op's dh would have been better holding that thought and then planning something seductive for that evening,im not sur eid like scheduled shagging but spuddy makes it sound more appealing,spud,do you never just "accidently do it" like if the baby has finally settled or you've gone to bed early and it kind have just happens?Id miss that,they are the best and usually dont take up much Luther or wire watching time

Spuddy you don't have kids and you are like that!

OP - YANBU. And bleugh at sexy texts and so forth. I thought that was just something they suggested in magazines? Once you live in the same house surely you just speak to your partner...?

Actually I think probably the core problem for some couples is the woman's simple lack of time for herself. if you hardly ever get time to read a book, watch a tv programme of your choice uninterrupted, or get enough sleep, then you are most likely to see an unexpected free hour as a chance to do one of these things. And it can make you feel extremely resentful that yet again, your free time isn't free and you're supposed to indulge someone else's needs.

ledkr and babybythesea earlier, you are so right. I've tried to tell my OH that if he wants to have sex he's MUCH better off planning some sneaky seduction techniques like running a bath/buying some flowers/cooking me dinner/ plying me with wine/giving me a massage than just saying 'do you want to have sex later'!!?? Mentioning it kills it. He knows this now, but the seduction bit still causes him some problems cos I can usually see right through it!!! he just goes all out and looks all obvious. he's just not sneaky enough

so we normally end up having sex when we happen to both be in bed/sofa at the same time and feeling the same way. I think it works for us, but you'd have to ask him...

I do think it's better to encourage the DH in some way, as otherwise you are sending a message that he is less important than a bath and good book ( it may be true, but you are not supposed to tell them :o ) and next time he'll be thinking a free evening is best spent down the pub.

I know it seems odd and according to hollywood spontaneity equals passion and excitement, but for us it just doesn't. After the 1st 3 months of dating (when yes there was lots of clothes ripping etc) we moved in together.

We both realised how much we enjoyed the planning part too. Also i absolutely hate shagging on a full stomach or after a drink as does DP. So if we go out for a romantic evening we spend the afternoon in bed first, then bath together and get ready and go out, all happy and post coital.

We have never ever had sex in the night and only occasionally in the morning. Neither of us like to be touched in the night 'or woken up in a sexy way'

SpringChicken I'm just catching up on this thread and and have to jump to my poor H's defence! He's definitely not 'a selfish lazy prick' - he works much longer hours than me but when he gets home he cooks tea and tidies up easily as much as I do and does plenty of things with the DC to take them off my hands at wkends so I can have a bit of 'me' time.

The issue wasn't at all that I feel resentful of him in any other way. I just wanted to talk about how when sex becomes 'planned' or scheduled, it turns me right off the idea - and to see if others felt the same way.

BTW - am feeling a bit of a traitor now. Got home last night to find DH had cooked us a meal & tidied up and then spent the evening waiting on me with glasses of wine & anything I wanted - no mention of the deed at all. By about ten I was gagging for it and had to jump him!

PS I realise this was probably all just a ploy on his part - and it worked - ho hum

Spuddybean you talk to your mum about your sex life?! I could never do that!

And you have to wash your fanjo before you get down to it . Are you just very cleanliness-concious?

Ha ha! So you did it anyway Monday? Your husband sounds loverly actually.

I do know what you mean about the expectation of sex, and that can be a massive turn off in a relationship, but I don't quite get how some posters keep referring to sex with your man as putting someone elses needs before your own...Why?
Can't you sort of turn a request for sex to your own advantage, and get something you really like (In bed I mean, not a new three piece.)
If asked me for sex he would have my legs round his neck before he could say "Uuummph!"
But then, I am desparate

My DP has been away for 2 weeks and isn't back for another 2.

I have a session scheduled in very precisely for 1½ hours after his plane touches down :o

Pmsl sounds like he'd read the thread

monday not really i just stink!

Of course not really, it is nice to have a shower first tho especially if i'm getting oral - otherwise i feel a bit self conscious.

Can i also just point out before people think we are freaks control every aspect of the deed. We do not agree beforehand on what will be done and for how long!!

I do, however, take requests on what to wear and have been known to suggest what he wears.

He's away till Friday and now i miss him. (he travels lots too) :(

"Actually I think probably the core problem for some couples is the woman's simple lack of time for herself"

Yes.

I never seem to stop doing. My whole day often seems to be a schedule of tasks that have to done before I finally, at some distant point, see a chance to STOP and do something that I want to do. I am not saying that DH doesn't contribute - he does - but it's on a whole different level and I am too bored of that argument to carry it on any more. When I am at the point of nearly getting it all done and the perfect, peaceful brief window of time to myself is in sight, if DH started hinting that a shag would be nice...... is it any wonder that I would get stressed? Rightly or wrongly it become another chore - something else to be ticked off. Do I enjoy it? Yes, a great deal. Over the years we have perfected it But that doesn't mean that I would choose to have sex instead of any of the other things I enjoy doing that I don't get that much chance to do as often as I once did. And because of the emotional baggage attached to sex, as opposed to weeding the garden for example , it's harder to say no without causing upset.

So after DD was born and this all came to a head (fnar!) we agreed that I would initiate sex. Which was less often than DH wanted to but perhaps more often than I wanted to. So we compromise and because I know that he won't be hanging around like a dog with his tongue hanging out I can relax. And he knows that sex will be in the offing sometime in the next few days he is OK about it. Romantic? No. But workable.

Also just a thought which occurred, if it is planned then you don't run the risk of one of you having a wank just before and not being up for it.

I had a friend who worked late shifts and would come home up for it and her partner would have sorted himself out already. So they had to have a bit of a nudge and a wink in the morning so he wouldn't be spent when she got home.

spuddybean - thats exactly what my husband and I are like. If you are that personality it wont change when you have kids. In fact I spend my days sending dirty texts to DH as you have more time sitting about places like down the park or at soft play. (Just dont let anyone see what your writing ) I think its always best to know sex is coming up cause then you have all day to get horny and turned on for when he walks in.

Hmm. I think the idea that you initiate the sex is a good one Omirian.
I do read a lot of posts where people say how they are always busy doing stuff.
I don't feel that I am. I worry about this. Is it because I only have one child, or is it because I am extrordinarily lazy???
I can't imagine having, say, a pile of ironing to do, and then a man trying to hump my leg, and me going "sorry darling-just got to get through this pile of ironing."
But then,as I say, I am desparate and so maybe live only in a fantasy world of my choosing .

Actually, come to think of it, I can't imagine having a pile of ironing. I simply iron what I am going to wear that day immediately before I put it on, while drinking my tea and brushing my hair.
I have three arms. Why am I still single? Why?

I think some peopel prioritise different things northern rock. I would be the same as you tbh if the sink is full of dishes and the whole contents of our flat needed ironing I would still go for the sex personally. Some people cant bear it though my nan practically has a breakdown if someone doesnt wash their cup immediately after use. Seems like making work for yourself to me.