To think that DH shouldn't automatically expect a bonking session just because the DC won't be at home...

[MondayCrap]

because it's really pissed me off!

We have a pretty good sex life although he's always had a higher libido than me - ie he would be at it every night if I was up for it. We don't get to have the house to ourselves very often because we have DC, one of whom is a teen so is up till quite late in the evenings; even more so at the mo with it being the holidays.

I was speaking to DH at lunchtime today and told him my mum has offered to have the DC stay at hers tonight. His reaction was 'oh good, we can have a bit of 'fun' tonight then' - which translates to a bonking session. My heart sunk because I was thinking, ooh good, a night off from the DC, I can be lazy, sit in front of the TV, have something easy for tea, watch what I like on tv and just chill out. But his assumption of a bonk night just makes me think that now I have another 'job' to do

Is that terrible of me? I do enjoy sex, and the chances are we would have ended up doing it anyway, but the way he just assumes that we will has turned me right off and now we'll probably have a night of me being in a huff and him sulking. I just hate the whole idea of 'planning' a shag - surely it happens when you're in the mood. Taking away any spontaneity just makes me think 'meh' and reach for my fleecy dressing gown.

Nothing kills my interest in sex like being expected to do it. Personally.

So you knew you would prob end up having sex anyway, but your DP actually vocalising that he wants sex too has now put you off? YABU

Why not turn it round and send some sexy texts back and forth for the rest of the day so by the time the evening comes you both will be raring to go.

Edith I don't think we are at risk of longer term problems with libido issues because we've already been together a long time (hence teen). I don't think I particularly have a 'low' one, just an up and down one, in contrast to his 'constant'....

Too late now special because I've already gotten huffy during our phone conversation and am too stubborn not to see it through

Oh god, OP, I feel your pain

And the idea of spending an afternoon sending suggestive texts and cooking a suggestive meal is jamming my knees together.

I am EXACTLY the same as you Monday - as soon as it's suggested for later, it puts me right off. I don't know why, it just does. And once you're turned off, you're turned off.

We've had LOTS of discussions about this, and it's come down to him realising thats how I am and there's not much to be done about it. And just to be happy that we do have a sex life, it's just that it has to be spontaneous for me to enjoy it. I think that's fair enough. If you don't talk about these things though they get a bit festery IMO, so just be honest.

Ha so glad you see it my way mother

Am wondering what would constitute a 'suggestive meal' - sausage and two new potatoes with a side of sun-dried tomatoes?

Ha! I sympathise. We have teens and they keep all sorts of odd hours. I suppose the way your DH 'suggested' sex was a bit unsubtle/presumptuous but as long as you can say, 'no, sorry, not in the mood' and he takes this with good grace, I wouldn't personally have a problem with it. Depends, though - is he a bit of a pesterer generally? That is deeply unattractive.

Not so sure about the spontanaeity thing - when DP first moved in he wanted everything to be spontaneous and I told him spontanaeity was a luxury of the child-free years. If we waited for things to happen spontaneously we'd never get any. We do have to plan things a bit but if either of us change our minds - for any reason or no reason at all - that's fine, we just stick the kettle on instead.

@ meal suggestion!

That's the annoying thing though, red - he knows I hate it being 'planned' but he doesn't seem to be able to stop it popping out!

Ahem - 'the suggestion' - that is

oh the poor love. you are obviously too rabidly attractive maybe I could help you with a bit of my morning sickness down your top?

I'm with the OP and Ormirian.

OP - get into your dressing gown, and when DH gets back explain to him how you feel. All these people saying 'oh go on, just do it' - Sex isn't a duty to be performed even when one partner wants it and the other doesn't.

@ him popping out!!!

I just spit my coffee out op!

Ewww kitchen floor. Kitchen table, maybe...

I think YANBU. I don't think your husband is being really unreasonable either, but it's just not much of a turn-on to plan sex like that.

Can you talk to him about this directly? Ask him to suggest simply having a fun night together, rather than sex specifically, when these occasions come up, just explain that planning sex like that turns you off a bit. It doesn't have to be a big emotional thing, we all have things that make us more or less interested in sex and this is just one of yours (and many other people's).

Jeez. Sometimes us men can't do right for doing wrong can we?

All the poor guy did was make a suggestion! He said "...we can have some fun....."

He didn't say get your kit off! I can make dinner tonight....I can watch TV tonight....all these things I CAN do. Doesn't mean I will though!

I agree with the op. The presumption always puts me right off.

In your last couple of posts, you've mentioned an "up and down" problem "as he's unable to stop it popping out"

Are you sure, really sure, your mood won't change?

Oh god, OP, I feel your pain

And the idea of spending an afternoon sending suggestive texts and cooking a suggestive meal is jamming my knees together.

Spot on

The is nothin more of a turn off than planned sex, although with a 8 yr old, 6 yr old and 3 yr old, we are still very much on the synchronising diary stage to fit intimacy in :o and I hate it but if we didn't we would never have sex......which would be fine by me:) but not very conducive to a happy marriage in my opinion.

Op I would get that fluffy dressing gown out and ready the hot choc!!! Get ready for a comfy night :)

oh sorry x-post

if he knows that kind of thing turns you off and says it anyway, well, them's the breaks!

If you put your dressing gown on, he'll definitely take it as a come-on (so to speak, fnar). Believe me, I've tried that one

Mind you, our kitchen floor would put off the annual convention of Sex Addicts Anonymous.

YANBU, but I can see his point of view too as my DH is a bit like this.
Can you pretend that you are so overwhelmed with excitement about his flirty suggestion that you are absolutely dying for it and pounce on him and get in a quickie as soon as he gets home. Job done and you have the rest of the evening to catch up on Camelot and munch on takeaway. Make sure he drinks some wine so is too tired for repeat performance later on.

( Waits for hate filled posts to come in from those that you must absolutely only ever have marital relationships with your DH when you are both in the mood even if this is only once every 3 months)

Yep, I think overwhelm him with an unexpected gamut of filthiness the minute he gets through the door. And then point out you are far too sated with ecstasy for another go (unless of course you do feel like another go) later.