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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that DH shouldn't automatically expect a bonking session just because the DC won't be at home...

108 replies

MondayCrap · 25/07/2011 13:52

because it's really pissed me off!

We have a pretty good sex life although he's always had a higher libido than me - ie he would be at it every night if I was up for it. We don't get to have the house to ourselves very often because we have DC, one of whom is a teen so is up till quite late in the evenings; even more so at the mo with it being the holidays.

I was speaking to DH at lunchtime today and told him my mum has offered to have the DC stay at hers tonight. His reaction was 'oh good, we can have a bit of 'fun' tonight then' - which translates to a bonking session. My heart sunk because I was thinking, ooh good, a night off from the DC, I can be lazy, sit in front of the TV, have something easy for tea, watch what I like on tv and just chill out. But his assumption of a bonk night just makes me think that now I have another 'job' to do

Is that terrible of me? I do enjoy sex, and the chances are we would have ended up doing it anyway, but the way he just assumes that we will has turned me right off and now we'll probably have a night of me being in a huff and him sulking. I just hate the whole idea of 'planning' a shag - surely it happens when you're in the mood. Taking away any spontaneity just makes me think 'meh' and reach for my fleecy dressing gown.

OP posts:

Nesbo · 25/07/2011 14:46

As someone who's been riding the TTC train for months I do have some sympathy, although in our case we both just get on with it on those occasions, and sometimes it can be surprisingly fun!

Some people like to anticipate sex, it gives them something to look forward to and becomes part of the foreplay. Clearly it doesn't work like that for the OP, but that doesn't make her DH wrong if that is his preference. People are just different and you both have to find ways of accommodating those differences in a way that works for you.

Original poster

MondayCrap · 25/07/2011 14:48

I see your point rookie. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on the mood I'm in) alcohol doesn't dull his performance - he can go on for hours if we've been out and had a few drinks....

OP posts:

stansmomma · 25/07/2011 14:58

its the age old problem of "not what is said, but how it is said" if he'd have been a woman, he'd have said...."house to ourselves? how about you run a nice bath, light some candles, we'll share a bottle in the bath, order chinese food, stay in our robes, eat in bed, and watch something on t.v we can take the piss out of and get a little drunk"......that is what i wish my other half would do once DS is in bed, but what i really get is him stroking my unshaved leg, trying to slowly work his way up there without even looking at me( he's watching t.v) hoping that "gently does it" TRUST ME. it doesn't matter how slowly he works his way up there, he's getting eff all! that, my dear does not foreplay make, and it'll take a lot more than that to thaw this ice! i'm with you on this one angel, but unfortunately your DT being out of the house is your OH green light for "my turn now" ha ha, how about saying...darlin, i'm not really bothered about sex, but do crack on whilst i watch t.v!!! that ought to do it! unless of course he actually starts without you!

dreamingbohemian · 25/07/2011 14:58

Ha, I've done the rookie strategy, it's a good one

I don't see that as being incompatible with saying you need to be in the mood, that's more about, er, scheduling the nookie, knowing you will want to have some at some point in the evening

But OP sounds like she's now totally not in the mood at all so I don't think it would work

fluffyanimal · 25/07/2011 15:03

IME in the busy lifestyle with jobs and kids, quite often the sex does have to be planned. I feel a bit sorry for your DH, I sense he was probably more thinking aloud than trying to get you to commit to a planned sesh!

What bothers me more though, is your comment, OP, that now you are too stubborn to change your mind. That is only going to make the issue worse and attach more resentment to the issue.

Make it up with him, ask him if you can just see where the evening goes, and another time I think you should try to talk through why planning ahead puts you off so much. If it is because you know he'll always get huffy if the plan doesn't work out, then I sympathise, and you need to get him to work on this. But if not, I think you might be BU in general about the planning ahead thing.

AmateurCrastinator · 25/07/2011 15:07

YANBU - my husband is exactly the same and I hate it when I feel like he's "waiting" for the inevitable - it does make you feel under pressure and that it's something you have to do. We probably do have slightly mismatched libidos / different ideas of how we'd like to "relax" but I think that's completely normal man/woman divide and not something to get all uptight about.

Fact is, you just have to accept that it will be the first thing that springs to most men's minds when you say you'll have some time alone. Just as the first thing that springs to your mind is "yay, no kids to pick up after / cook for / organise" and look forward to doing absolutely sweet FA.

I understand that you're probably all anxious thinking that he's thinking his luck's in and you have to meet his expectations. If it were me I'd ask him what he fancies for dinner and use that to mention that you're really not up to doing much so not to expect anything spectacular - suggest a takeaway or some cheese on toast! That way, he'll at least have a bit of prior warning that you want to chill.

charliejosh · 25/07/2011 15:18

YABVVVU

rookiemater · 25/07/2011 15:32

That would be way too subtle for my DH AC, there is no way on earth he would work out that NOT WANT TO COOK = NOT WANT TO HAVE NOOKIE WITH HUBBIE in fact he would probably think the opposite that I was keen to have extra time for pleasuring each other, eeek.

ilovedora27 · 25/07/2011 15:43

I agree with your husband. Surely the point in your kids being away is to shag (or drink together!). Its brilliant when the kids are away vibrators out that you cant use when your kids are sleeping (not in our flat anyway) and you can do all the things its harder to do with kids in. I think your mad to turn that down tbh.

MotherOfSuburbia · 25/07/2011 15:45

I do feel a bit for your DH OP. Obviously not if he wouldn't take no for an answer but I don't think there's anything wrong about showing you're excited about the possibility of some time with your partner. If you don't feel like it let him know but don't be cross with him about it.

InTheNightKitchen · 25/07/2011 15:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 25/07/2011 15:54

I can see where the OP is coming from.

From my POV, I´d probably be thinking the same as OPs husband-but wouldn´t need to mention it!

ilovedora27 · 25/07/2011 16:12

Live in a flat so we are all very close together in sleeping arrangements.

dementedma · 25/07/2011 16:37

am absolutely with the OP on this one. Any Child-free time is automatically the green light for wa-hayyy, you can look after my needs then, regardless of if you had anything else planned.
But our sex life and marriage generally is shite, so what do I know?

mumwithdice · 25/07/2011 16:53

OP, if you don't particularly fancy it, you shouldn't. However, one thing DH and I used to do was something we called "distracting." I would be doing something like reading/watching a film or whatever and DH would cuddle/kiss me etc. Sometimes it would work and my mood would change and I'd grab him. Sometimes it wouldn't and I'd say "No, not now" and DH would leave off.

I use the past tense because we have a small baby and we grab our chances where we can.

nikkinoonoo · 25/07/2011 17:02

I am actually really jealous! My partner wont go near me i have to practically beg for it! Which makes me feel crappy!you are very lucky but i must agree with you on the subject of "planning a shag" ithappens naturally and this now is my only option which still doesn't go through haha!

Lilaclion · 25/07/2011 17:05

YANBU.....going for gold in bedroom athletics is not what most hassled mothers would want to do during the precious few child free breaks we get. so I'm with you on that one ....but my fella would be exactly the same as yours when faced with the same prospect. I guess you'll just have to see how you're feeling on the night, but don't feel bad.....you're not alone, lol

blueshoes · 25/07/2011 18:04

It is ok to tell him that you don't want the 2012 Olympics in your bedroom but that you can do with a quickie or a handjob or blowjob (whatever you feel you can cope with). See how that goes.

The lack of spontaneity does not bother me. It is luxury to expect spontaneity with dcs in the house. I am sure your dh will accept whatever you offer. I just think it is a bit mean to refuse outright, when he is so looking forward to something

Pussinglads · 25/07/2011 19:09

I love how there are 69 responses.

Oh, sorry...

bibbitybobbityhat · 25/07/2011 19:14

Quite agree, op. Its like ttc - when you know you're going to be doing it on the 8th, 10th, 12th, 14th, 16th night of your cycle it is about as sexy as cleaning the toilets at Waterloo station.

eisbaer · 25/07/2011 19:56

nice for it to be the first thing he thinks of when he realises he's got time alone with you, no? Nice to be desired? Nice to maintain a healthy sex life, even when the available windows aren't that frequent? get yourself in the mood and enjoy it! It's like going to the gym, you're never sorry once you've done it! and if that sounds like a duty, victorian style attitude, any advice about keeping your relationship working says that sex is an intrinsic part of it, and you should go for it even when it's not the first thing you fancy doing. different to being coerced against "your will" and all that, he's just suggested a bit of nooky to his wife, for goodness' sake, not pinned her against the wall...

SagaciousCloud · 25/07/2011 21:03

YANBU.

I hate it when DH does this, I find it a complete turn off. He's learned over the years that announcing the desire for sex hours before its possible doesn't get him anything. Now if only I could get him to realise that plying me with alcohol doesn't work either.

I have to say I don't really agree with eisbaer. If i don't really want sex, and do it just to keep my DH happy, then I feel rubbish afterwards and quite resentful.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 25/07/2011 21:18

I just bet this is an H who is a selfish lazy prick about the housework. Because that's the single biggest cause of marital resentment and loss of a woamn's libido: men who do no domestic work but want to have sex on you all the time are a total turn off - by their attitude they make sex into one more chore that you are expected to perform.

BarkingHarriet · 25/07/2011 21:26

YANBU. DH does this whenever I decide to have a bath - I think candles, good book and very hot relaxing water, he thinks wayhaaayyy! So annoying I've stopped having baths and stick to showers.

lachesis · 25/07/2011 21:36

I'd go out and catch a film on my own before he gets home. Then go and get a coffee. Alone. Take a long walk. Don't come back till he's asleep. Then have a lie-in.

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