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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask you all to talk me out of revenge.

36 replies

Mrswhiskerson · 23/07/2011 17:40

My ex stepfather was a evil man who regularly beat my mum up in front of me and my brother , we lived in fear for years as he broke her mentally and physically . He then started abusing me which lasted for years but i was to scared and ashamed to tell anyone.
when it came out my mum kicked him out divorced him and eventually found a lovely man.
I have found some sort of peace but the anger and hatred for him is still there, he ruined our childhoods completely and i still live with the scars now .
I used to hope i could bump into him to get my own back somehow or some closure but it never happened and I got on with my life.

I now know where he lives and works and it sickens me to know he has quite a happy life and feels no shame for what he has done.

I am fuming and really want to find him and say something to make him feel the fear i lived with for years .
i catergorically do not want to commit any violence whatsoever. I do not want to be that person or sink to his level and I have a child and i want him to grow up with good role models.
I am so angry and sad I feel i need closure some how and speaking to him might get me it but something is telling me it is a bad idea.
what would you do?

OP posts:
molepom · 23/07/2011 17:55

Show the bastard just how well you have done despite him and what he has done. Dont talk to him, dont see him just carry on regardless. He's a prick who doesnt deserve to be given the time of day by you.

StealthPolarBear · 23/07/2011 17:56

get revenge. Report him to the police. Not sure how long you can be prosecuted for abuse but the police can advise

StealthPolarBear · 23/07/2011 17:57

And in doing that you are showing your children that you can stand up for yourself and do the right thing.

Original poster
Mrswhiskerson · 23/07/2011 18:07

I have wondered in the past if I could go to the police and I also think if I came forward it may help anyone else who has been abused by him and is too scared to say anything.
Are things like this made public?

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 23/07/2011 18:09

Consider writing to him it would purge the anger from you and be very therapeutic.

LineRunner · 23/07/2011 18:10

The police are able to gather evidence for 'historic' abuse cases. Especially as your mum and brother can give statements too. Even if they won't, you can.

I think it would be better to seek some advice first from the police or a lawyer.

WinkyWinkola · 23/07/2011 18:12

Don't write to him! He would get satisfaction.

LDNmummy · 23/07/2011 18:12

I agree with Stealth

LDNmummy · 23/07/2011 18:13

And I also wouldn't write to him. Also think it would give him some weird satisfaction. Plus a letter is very personal and intimate and I wouldn't want to approach him from that angle.

ThumbsNoseAtSnapewitch · 23/07/2011 18:14

Go to the police if you want to do something.
Do not contact him directly, that would do you no good at all and would only leave you feeling worse, as the chances are he feels no remorse at all.

TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 23/07/2011 18:18

I agree that to get justice - far better than revenge - you should talk to the police. They may be able to prosecute.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 23/07/2011 18:18

I think the police is an excellent idea, if you feel up to it. Nothing like the past leaping in to the present to bite you on the arse. I like to believe in karma.

AandK · 23/07/2011 18:20

You need counselling.

My mother was very abusive mentally and physically to my brother and I when we were children and for years I carried round this fear of me being the same sort of parent as her ( I feel guilty for even shouting at my child). For years I was so angry with her and have a deep hatred for what she did and mostly for how she makes me feel still.

Recently I started counselling and boy is it working.

She is helping me get all my anger out.

I still have a way to go but I know I'll get there and you sound very similar to me. Speak to your Dr they will refer you to one and if you're entitled a free one on the NHS Xx

Original poster
Mrswhiskerson · 23/07/2011 18:28

fabbychic i think i will write a letter but keep it or burn it, like you say purge the anger a bit.

I very much want to contact the police and i think my brother would back me up all the way, not sure about my mum i think she would not like the idea of it being made public iyswim?

what she went through was awful and it comes up very often when we meet it is still raw and painful and we would love to see justice done, i just dont know if she could go through reliving it all .

OP posts:
Goblinchild · 23/07/2011 18:32

The best revenge is to live well and take joy in your life.
Your mum may feel dreadfully guilty that she and you were placed in an evil situation by a bully and a thug.
Live long, prosper and dance on his grave.

emsyj · 23/07/2011 18:35

Go to the police.

That is not seeking revenge, it is seeking justice. And don't forget, this man is still free to abuse the people in his life. You could help someone to avoid the terrible things that happened to you. He may be in contact with children who are unable to protect themselves from him. You could help them by telling the police what happened to you.

nannyl · 23/07/2011 18:39

Do report him to the police..... he did the crime, you have every right to have it investigated.

Id had the nastiest stepdad too (my Mum divorced him in March this year Grin)

He was violent to me too (and i got police involved at the time and he was charged and has it on his record etc Grin) and was emotionally abusive to my mum.
Always adament that she was HIS, and he would never EVER "let" her leave him.
And for 15 years he suffocated her personality and made her scared to leave him (or upset him) etc etc
If he didnt get his own way he always threatened to kill himself, and my mum was stupid enough to believe him Hmm

Anyway after he attacked "if I went to the police he was going to kill himself, it would ruin my mums life and she would hate me for ever and ever for making him die" (his words to me.... [hmmm])
SO.... I told him "Go Kill yourself, see if i care, my mother wont have to divorce you if you are dead" Grin and off i went to police.... (and unfortunatley he didnt kill himself)
Next time i saw him i greeted him with "Oh i thought you'd be dead by now?"

Finally my mum saw the light and left and divorced him...

I sent him a card "On the loss of your wife" Grin
Thats all it said, and a pic of a flower

Inside i wrote
"I told you she'd leave you one day, yet again i was right Smile"

It did not go down well, as he "told my mum" lol, as if i could care less.
He also sent his mum round to tell my grandparents that I had ruined his life LOL, and to tell my grandparents that actually he has never touched me Shock..... at the end of the day my granparents had seen the 7 bruises he gave me, told them to bugger off, and we have never seen them again, thank god.

Kladdkaka · 23/07/2011 18:46

Contact Victim Support. You will be able to talk to them in confidence and get support and advice. You don't have to report it to the police first in order to get help from them.

www.victimsupport.com/Home/Contact%20us

HHLimbo · 23/07/2011 19:32

Please contact the police.

This is for justice, to protect others from him, and a bit of the right sort of revenge.

whatsallthehullaballoo · 23/07/2011 20:07

I do not think you can get revenge on him in other way than to report him to the police.

I too was abused by my step father and I have no contact with him or my mother. Am trying to get the strength together for councilling.

If you can find it within you see the police it will be the best revenge ever. But you need to do it once you feel you are strong enough.

You have been through so much and are so brave x

ThatllDoPig · 23/07/2011 20:12

Contact your local rape crisis centre. Don't be put off by the name, you don't have to have been raped or in a crisis at all. They WILL help you. Free counselling to do with everything you have been through and how you feel.

Don't write to him.

Report to the police.
The likelihood is that he has abused others, or he still is.
I've been down that road, and it isn't an easy one, but you will learn so much and you will build strong foundations for yourself and your family.
Good luck.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 23/07/2011 20:26

I agree with going to the police. I think it is the best way to make him suffer.

onebigchocolatemess · 23/07/2011 21:03

you owe it to yourself to report him to the Police. Even if worst case all they can do is go and scare the shit out of him.

It is the right thing to do, even if perhaps the hardest.

I think you're incredibly brave

TheFrogs · 23/07/2011 21:44

I think you should consider counselling before you make any decision.

It's one thing to think about it, it's another to drag it all back up again into reality. You say your mum is happy now...would it really benefit her, your brother....you? I'm not saying it's best swept under the rug, but reliving these things without the proper support could be extremely painful and not really help you in the long run.

worraliberty · 23/07/2011 21:46

Yes I'd report to the police

More and more now we read of people finally being brought to court 20 or 30yrs after comitting crimes like that.

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