to be pissed at my MIL for suddenly deciding to move 12,000 miles away?

[babeinthewood]

My MIL phoned earlier to announce that she is off to NZ to live...........

bit of background: My SIL moved over to NZ about 20 years ago, and has lived there ever since. MIL and FIL used to go over every other christmas for three months. FIL died 18 months ago, about 6 months ago she was talking about buying a small house over there, and moving between the two countries six months in each, we said we had thought she would probably emigrate at some point, and she said absolutely not. She was so against it that two weeks ago she gave us a long spiel about the UK being her home yadda yadda yadda.

we are very shocked and upset, she doesnt appear to have thought about the 5 granchildren and son she is leaving behind at all. Theres no way we could ever visit her. Am I being unreasonable to be really pissed off that shes just apparently made this snap desision without letting us know she was thinking about it?

Neither do I have family help HarperSeven- even in serious emergencies for short time periods so I do not assume everyone else has help from their families.

My DC are in bed - so I have time to read through - as it really doesn't take long.

Just because I do not get help from DC grandparents doesn't mean I do not worry about IL and parents and the decisions they make.

I understand that you are upset at your MIL deciding to move. But I'm afraid you just need to suck it up.

A lot of people move and don't settle so there is a chance she will be back. But I've also heard a lot of stories of people moving and how their families react. It seems to me that you have two choices. You can be annoyed and your relationship will suffer. Or you can be supportive, try hard to stay in touch and develop a new relationship. Some people find they end up closer to their families when they move as everyone makes a lot of effort. Visits are suddenly proper quality time rather than snatched between other stuff going on.

Being bitter can really drive families apart, even if she ends up not going. I would have a chat to her about how you expect her to stay in touch and discuss how often she will visit you, arrangements etc. Tell her you and the kids will miss her.

I moved to NZ three years ago (temporarily for a year, whoops!) and my parents are upset but we make the effort on Skype and we've seen them once a year. They seem pleased that we haven't just disappeared the way people did 20 years ago when they moved abroad.

Just to clarify, My MIL DOES NOT and never has looked after my children regularly Im a great believer in family NOT taking on the role of carers for the grandchildren where possible, after all they've done their bit, although accepted sometimes theres no choice. The relationship between MIL has not been fantastic since DS2 was born for good reasons, however more recently, we have both been making a better effort, and have started to like each other again. Also should have said before the younger three live with me the older two are my not so darling SS's and do not, and are really not my responsibility although that doesnt stop me thinking about their feelings too.

littlest kiwi - my hubbys concern with that is that she wont be able to move back, she needs to sell her house to present her capital for her application, to be fair though it is a four bedroomed house, so she could potentially buy and rent out something smaller incase she changes her mind.

Spoke to SIL this evening and she is convinced that MIL mind is not made up and that she hasnt thought about the implications of moving there, both what it will be like over there and realistically how often she will see her grandchildren here. She does seem to think it will be three months of every year, and that we will pop out every other year :(

It sounds to me like she is still grieving and trying to find a new life for herself. It also sounds like your family have been shaken by the loss of your FIL.

Perhaps you could suggest to her that she rents initially when she gets to NZ so she has time to be sure. Another big issue here at the moment is the crappy UK>NZ exchange rate. This had traditionally been 2.5/3 to the pound but is currently 1.85. So she does run the risk of losing a lot of money if she shifts it and the rate goes against her.

I know many people have the idea that moving countries is forever. But I know a lot of people that ping pong back and forth and I think that is just fine. But it is wise to set things up so she has choices in the future if stuff doesn't quite work out the way she hopes.

These things also take a long time which is good- will give her time to think and you to get used to the idea.

There's no reason why your MiL couldn't rent her UK house out is there?

That would give her a monthly income which she could use to rent a house in NZ (and possibly some over which would be handy!). Her UK pension will go further over here as the rocketing food / fuel prices haven't quite reached us, though it's nowhere near the cheap cost of living people expect.

That way she gets a trial of kiwi living and will see the reality of living in the new community, which interest groups she could join for a social life, whether it really is the right life change to make.

If it all goes to custard, she has had a long break here with family but has the security of her UK home to come back to. If she falls in love with nz and is happy to stay, she can sell her UK house when the market is better and buy here. I'd always recommend renting for a while before buying anyway.

She could even do it for 6 months while waiting for the visa issues. She may apply for a medical waiver if she fails again (normally granted to family members but not always) which will take longer. I'd be very wary of selling her house to fund her move as it gives her no back up plan if things don't work out.

Sounds sensible to rent out her UK house. I'm sure that she would see the sense if you put it to her.

Has she spent a significant amount of time in NZ? I was there a year and loved it, but not enough to stay. If she needs to sell her house to emigrate there I wonder if she's thought through downsizing to a small flat/ bungalow in the UK and investing the capital released so she can rent somewhere near her daughter for 2-3 months in the NZ summer each year. That way her options are kept open, and she gets more of an idea of what life there is really like as she is unliklely to see her grandchildren as much when living there as when on holiday and everyone on best behaviour and not in their usual routines.

I know for a fact he wouldnt want this, otherwise they'd have done it years ago

Assume you mean FIL wouldn't want it? Perhaps that is why MIL is going now, because she obviously does want it. And maybe she has wanted it for a long time, but her dh wouldn't agree...so now he is not here to stop her, she can finally live her dream, that perhaps she has felt unfulfilled in not be able to do?

And you say she isn't lonely, but how do you know? It is entirely possible to be lonely in a room full of people if you are unfulfilled & wishing you could so something more with your life.

Good God - if I get the chance to bugger off out of this godforsaken country in my old age - I'm going, and bugger getting approval from people who aren't even blood relations. Good on her!

This is about some mistaken belief that she's "choosing" the SIL over you. No more, no less. I can't believe just how much on here people seem to think they "own" their parents and parents in law - that they should do what THEY want, when THEY want it, that they should babysit then butt out when it's inconvenient and now that they should run their lifestyle choices by them. Yet it never cuts the other way - if the boot was on the other foot it would be "MY MIL WANTS TO STOP US MOVING TO NZ AIBU TO BE DISGUSTED AT HER TRYING TO CONTROL OUR LIVES?"

Way this country's going - good on her for having the guts to try to make a change in her life!

your children are the centre of your life, that is only natural.

But they are not the centre of hers. That does not make her a bad person, or even a bad granny.

OP you sound so selfish!!

Your MIL has in all likelihood thought a lot about what she wants to do. She hasn't told you before, but why on earth should she? By your own admission, you aren't overly close. You say you'be had no warning - but she has told you now so you have plenty. You also say your DP is still cut up about your FIL's death - how on earth do you think his mother feels??

She has spent large chunks of time in NZ, so I should imagine she has a pretty good idea of what life is like over there. So you can't afford to fly over there, that isn't a reason for her to stay here. She thinks she will have a better quality of life over there so she should bloody well go. And it none of your business what she decides to do with her own house! If you love her so much, give her some support for gods sake!

Do you ask for opinions from your children before making any decisions? The day I need to ask permission to do something from my own children is the day I give up.

Godforesaken country? REALLY? You have no flaming idea emptyshell! You clearly are not very well travelled or you wouldn't say such nonsense!

Shame on anyone that thinks this country is not great. Sure there are things that could be better, but by god there are an awful lot of things that could be a billion times worse.

Trust me. Britain is a good place to live, the people are broadly lovely, and we are cared for and listened to.

It sounds like a really exciting opportunity for your MIL. Imagine being that age and having a chance at such an exciting adventure as to live in another country!

Compare that with staying her for the rest of her life because you think she should continue her weekly meet ups with you and your family. I'm sure you are all lovely but maybe she wants more then that. Why does she have to dedicate her life to you?

You seem to think that she will have no idea of what to expect over there but if she is there for 3 months of every year already then she does! That also means she knows how busy your SIL is and will have a reasonable expectation of how often she will see her grandchildren. Is she very dozy or something? I just don't understand why you think her to be so uncapable.

You may also find that once she misses you all she may offer to help with your air fares to visit and that would be amazing for you all!

Try to look at the positives. There is absolutely naff all that you can or should do about this so just concentrate on the good things about it.