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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be pissed at my MIL for suddenly deciding to move 12,000 miles away?

115 replies

babeinthewood · 23/07/2011 16:29

My MIL phoned earlier to announce that she is off to NZ to live...........

bit of background: My SIL moved over to NZ about 20 years ago, and has lived there ever since. MIL and FIL used to go over every other christmas for three months. FIL died 18 months ago, about 6 months ago she was talking about buying a small house over there, and moving between the two countries six months in each, we said we had thought she would probably emigrate at some point, and she said absolutely not. She was so against it that two weeks ago she gave us a long spiel about the UK being her home yadda yadda yadda.

we are very shocked and upset, she doesnt appear to have thought about the 5 granchildren and son she is leaving behind at all. Theres no way we could ever visit her. Am I being unreasonable to be really pissed off that shes just apparently made this snap desision without letting us know she was thinking about it?

OP posts:

FilthyDirtyHeathen · 23/07/2011 19:36

I think it best that she does have a balanced view.

With respect (honest!) I don't think that she will get that from you. You sound so against her going that I don't think you will be able to present the pro's and con's with equal emphasis.

It may well be tough if she goes but the happiness of your family is not her sole responsibility. If she goes, you all need to find the resources to deal with your feelings and you will adjust and find a new equilibrium.

She is 73 and if you can't do what you want at that age it's a poor do.

sleepindogz · 23/07/2011 19:38

ok, say your MIL was like me and married early and had kids early. So since she was 20 she has been putting other people's needs first. So when will it be her turn to put herself first? now that her kids have grown up and had families, she is being made responsible for the happiness of the next generation.

You are well out of order OP and so so selfish

auroraday · 23/07/2011 19:44

She is still grieving and wants to be close to her daughter, who moved away a long time ago - her bereavement has probably made her realise how little time she's got left and she wants to spend it with her daughter whom she has surely missed terribly for a long time.
I can see why you're upset but you are being unfair. It's her life and she has to live it how she wants. I'm sure she will miss the grandchildren and you both terribly but you should be supportive of her at this hard time for her. Sorry but YABU.

MumblingRagDoll · 23/07/2011 19:48

The boys over there will be interested in her! And anyway..your MIL is doin this because she wants to. It's HER life.

begonyabampot · 23/07/2011 19:52

usually it's the younger generation leaving and taking much loved GC away from grandparents - but that is accepted.

It is natural to feel sad and worried about this so YANBU there but she may only have a few years left and realises that she has to make the most of them and might want to spend that time with her daughter and grandchildren in NZ.

Original poster

babeinthewood · 23/07/2011 19:53

I shall say nothing to her, she has made it quite clear she doesnt want my opinion, by only mentioning it to DH, even though we were talking for a long time beforehand.

I know shes doing it because she wants to, thats the point, am I not allowed to be a little hurt that she doesnt find my brood enough reason to stay? I am against her going yes, because I dont think it is best for anyone concerned. but as I said, I shant say that to her, but I will be upset about it.

OP posts:

Martha85 · 23/07/2011 19:55

YANBU, my DC's would be heartbroken if their Granny moved to the other side of the world.

Iteotwawki · 23/07/2011 20:16

Why should she consult you about her decision? Just interested, would you ask her permission before moving away (not necessarily to NZ, even to an area of the UK a day's journey away)?

It does seem like you think she should have asked your permission to move almost. I imagine her "the UK is my life" spiel was while she was considering emigrating but hadn't made a firm decision and didn't want to discuss it until she had.

Skype - obviously no substitute for sitting on the same sofa, but it is free and allows face to face interaction. I probably talk to my father more now than when he was a phone call away.

Re: getting in - the balance of your family (for family stream visas) has to be in NZ or equally divided. So one child in each country and she'd qualify. Grandchildren aren't taken into account if there are living adult children. There's approximately a year waiting time from application for family stream visa to being allocated a visa officer and then about 6 months for processing so (unless she's going to pull some stunts with cycling temporary visas) she has at least a year in the UK before she gets residency.

Does it matter her reasons for going? The fact is, it's her life. You and your husband now have a choice - you can be bitter, upset and hurt, let her know it and not make the effort to keep any form of relationship going.

Or you can be upset and hurt - but tell her you love her, will make the effort wherever in the world she's moving to and keep a very good relationship alive with Skype, letters, photos, visits.

When we moved here (2 years ago) of course my family were upset. But the life we can offer our children here is orders of magnitude better than the one we could offer in the UK. My family all chose the latter option (thankfully). They've been out to visit each year, we're going back next year for a holiday.

My MiL arrives in October (also emigrating), can't wait :)

Iteotwawki · 23/07/2011 20:22

Oh - to answer the original question!

You are not being unreasonable at all to be hurt, shocked, upset and angry. You would be unreasonable if you let it affect her relationship with her UK grandchildren which is still manageable even long distance.

ivykaty44 · 23/07/2011 20:23

Your MIL can't live her life for everyone else's needs and not her own.

Possibly NZ will not be the dream she figures, maybe it will - but she will have to find that out for herself.

Your dh has many more family members than a lot of people do, and it must be hard for him that he has lost his father 18 months ago and now is going to wave his mother off to NZ, but his sister has lost a father and will be gaining a mother for a while or for a lot longer.

It maybe that your MIL feels she needs her daughter near to her as she is possibly closer I don't know

bringmesunshine2009 · 23/07/2011 20:31

If my MIL moved to NZ I'd be over the fucking moon

nooka · 23/07/2011 20:32

We've emigrated and we didn't consult our families. We told them after we made the decision and I think (from talking to other expats) that is fairly normal. It was very upsetting to my parents and we've only seen them twice in the last three years. It was a very difficult decision to make and of course we thought about our family, but we made the decision based on what we thought we would gain.

I don't really understands why the OP feels that this is out of the blue, when it looks like it was potentially on the cards for many years and particularly in recent months (buying a house and living there for six months a year rather than three). The assumption that the MIL hasn't thought it through is unlikely too - after all she knows what it is like to have family on the other side of the world, and she has experience of living in NZ too.

On the other hand I can totally see why it is upsetting and there is nothing selfish about worrying about the impact on your dh and children. However nothing is going to happen very fast, the MIL hasn't made any commitment (that doesn't really come until you sell up) and more importantly she's not been accepted. I'd wait and see what happens.

Original poster

babeinthewood · 23/07/2011 20:33

Im not saying she should have asked our permission, just it would have been nice to have some sort of warning. No I wouldnt ask her permission if we decided to move away, but I would tell her if we were considering it and allow her to air her views on it.

The reasons matter to me quite alot, I really dont see her keeping in good contact with the children, if they dont factor into a reason to stay iyswim? Im not going to set them up for a let down when she doesnt respond to letters etc etc. I already have one child going through that, without her having to go through it with another family member and the other children as well.

I dont know if she will get in, shes failed the initial medical so has to have it re-done after her cholesterol and blood pressure have improved. Im aware how long it will take, but I also know she will spend alot of time over there, before she moves on holiday visas

OP posts:

FingandJeffing · 23/07/2011 20:37

It's not about who she loves best. I'm sure she loves both her children. Maybe she feels bad that her daughter needs her. Perhaps since she coped alone with cancer and a child with a chromosome disorder her mum feels that now she is free to go (supposing her husband would never consider it) she should.

As a daughter I know I'm loved equally to my sibling. However I wouldn't be surprised if my mum who I'm very close to did a similar thing to be nearer my sibling. She feels probably with some justification that he would need her more. As a mum I understand her, though I would be upset. Perhaps this is how she feels.

mercibucket · 23/07/2011 20:41

yanbu to be upset both on for yourself and for your family. our kids were pretty devastated when their cousins emigrated and, like you, we know we will never go out and visit and they will not come back as it would cost far more money than either of us will ever have

Original poster

babeinthewood · 23/07/2011 20:44

would just like to say thanks to those of you who are giving balanced sensible responses

OP posts:

PenguinPatter · 23/07/2011 20:45

I can see why the OP is upset.

She had to make MIL decision o.k with her DH and DC - one of who seems to have a rough year - that it not about them that they are not being rejected.

I have to say I'd be concerned about how it would all pan out - but then I've seen elderly relatives move closer to family. They move away from friends, support and what they know. Sometimes it is great but sometimes the massive change and its affects are not appreciated.

The people who move can sometime expect to much from the family they move to who can have busy lives - work, DC other stuff that previously filled their time and now have sometimes demanding relatives wanting time and energy from them. The people who moved can feel resentful that they are not given enough time while the people they moved to be with resentful that they have all these new demands on them.

I expect there is some concern from the OP that her DH will have to pick up the pieces from the other side of the world if it all goes tits up over there.

Thing is OP - she is an adult and can do what she wants. Other than make sure she has though it all through there is fuck all you can do.

WholeLottaRosie · 23/07/2011 20:46

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

HarperSeven · 23/07/2011 20:48

YABU. Suspect you're pissed because she won't be there for you when you need her to help out with your 5 kids. Newsflash - they're your kids, your responsibility, not hers. She doesn't owe you a thing. You're being very selfish, particularly given her husband's recent passing.

orienteerer · 23/07/2011 20:50

YABU

TubbyDuffs · 23/07/2011 20:50

You've said it yourself, she's 73 ... she has one life and needs to live it how she wants to, not for anyone else.

Good on her!

OP stop being so bloody selfish.

PenguinPatter · 23/07/2011 20:50

HarperSeven - if you read the thread seems MIL had done very little of that ever - once in last 12 months it says few post above.

Your post probably says more about your family set up than OPs.

scottishmummy · 23/07/2011 20:54

shes an adult woman be happy and supportive to her.she had enough upset with bereavement without petty squabble about where she lives.

start saving to visit and wish her well
nz is great country

Sewmuchtodo · 23/07/2011 21:01

Babeinthewood, you have every right to feel upset. This is a huge change for all involved and you feel let down, for your husband, children and yourself.

My friend has just visited NZ for a month with her DH and 3DC's under 12, the flights alone were almost £7000 and they could only visit at this time due to school holidays so the weather there was not fab.

I would worry about your MIL moving such a distance at her age, as new friends are hard to come by and if her DD and DGC are not used to having her around they are not likely to change their lives to be her everything.

Would she consider a trial move? Keep her home here and go out for 6mths to a yr. Thus giving her time to realise the magnitude of the decision.

I would not emotionally play on how horrid it will be if she goes but I would be very clear about the possibility you cant visit etc as it is a lot of money and tbh sometimes a family holiday with SIL, MIL etc could be wearing if you don't get soem alone time with your DH and DC's.

HarperSeven · 23/07/2011 21:04

Actually Penguin, i have no family helping out. And so, no time to read entire threads. Just chipping in.

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