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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be pissed at my MIL for suddenly deciding to move 12,000 miles away?

115 replies

babeinthewood · 23/07/2011 16:29

My MIL phoned earlier to announce that she is off to NZ to live...........

bit of background: My SIL moved over to NZ about 20 years ago, and has lived there ever since. MIL and FIL used to go over every other christmas for three months. FIL died 18 months ago, about 6 months ago she was talking about buying a small house over there, and moving between the two countries six months in each, we said we had thought she would probably emigrate at some point, and she said absolutely not. She was so against it that two weeks ago she gave us a long spiel about the UK being her home yadda yadda yadda.

we are very shocked and upset, she doesnt appear to have thought about the 5 granchildren and son she is leaving behind at all. Theres no way we could ever visit her. Am I being unreasonable to be really pissed off that shes just apparently made this snap desision without letting us know she was thinking about it?

OP posts:

HappyMummyOfOne · 23/07/2011 17:56

You should be happy for her, shes getting to spend the rest of her life where she wants to.

TBH, you sound a little spoilt. The fact that you say your husband and children should be more important than her other daughter speaks volumes. Theres no mention of you doing anything nice with his mum, only your children missing out when she goes.

diddl · 23/07/2011 17:56

TBH, OP sounds more annoyed that she has been presented with a decision & not involved in that decision.

SheCutOffTheirTails · 23/07/2011 18:03

She sounds blindsided and upset, and hurt on her husband's and children's behalf.

That does not mean she deserves a whole load of internet strangers effectively saying "the oul wan has been dying to get away from you fuckers for decades"

diddl · 23/07/2011 18:18

"she doesnt appear to have thought about the 5 granchildren and son she is leaving behind at all."

But I think that that´s an unfair comment from the OP-I´m sure MIL is giving it a lot of thought.

And that she thinks MIL should have discussed it with her/them-it´s a decision that only MI can make.

pranma · 23/07/2011 18:23

She wants to spend her remaining years with her daughter-of course she does.She has probably been pining for her daughter for a long time.Daughters aren't 'better' than sons but a mother's relationship with an adult dd is usually closer than with her ds.I know-I have one of each and feel lucky that it is my ds who lives abroad[we visit quite often]and my dd who lives a 15min drive away.You are her d-i-l and you aren't thinking about what will make her happy at all but I bet her dd is.YABU-it is her life.

SheCutOffTheirTails · 23/07/2011 18:24

That's the kind of thing people say when they are hurt.

This has come out of the blue and completely blindsided this family. It seems to them as though she has made a snap decision.

That is very unlikely, and it's also unlikely that this lady hasn't spent a lot of time trying to weigh up how to spend her final days and with she wants to spend it.

But pointing out to her that this old woman, and recent widow, is in an invidious position with children on opposite sides of the world as she approaches infirmity can be done kindly.

And inventing things like she probably always wanted to go and leave them behind is unnecessary.

I very much doubt she's happy to leave her son and his family behind, and I'm sure as she considered this option she meant all she said about having her life in the UK. Why would you say that the only thing stopping her from leaving was her husband? There is plenty to stop her from going, she has just decided that now she is a widow and her friends are dying that she might be better with her daughter.

I really don't understand how anyone can think her son's family shouldn't be upset about this. Of course they must accept it with good grace. But being hurt and upset in the immediate aftermath of finding out does not make them horrible or selfish.

They love her. Of course they don't want her to leave.

SheCutOffTheirTails · 23/07/2011 18:25

"Daughters aren't 'better' than sons but a mother's relationship with an adult dd is usually closer than with her ds.I know-I have one of each and feel lucky that it is my ds who lives abroad[we visit quite often]and my dd who lives a 15min drive away"

But you'd still love your daughter more if you son was the one who lived nearby?

Shit, glad I'm not one of your children.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 23/07/2011 18:28

SheCutOffTheirTails... Where does OP mention 'beloved' anywhere in her posts? If you want other posters to not fill in the blanks, try not to do it yourself, eh?

SheCutOffTheirTails · 23/07/2011 18:31

Why would they be shocked and upset if they didn't love and value her?

TheCrackFox · 23/07/2011 18:32

Obviously you will all miss her but you have to let her go with good grace. Maybe she didn't discuss it with you because she was scared of the reaction? It must be upsetting to see the people you love being upset.

Tis might not be so much about her wanting to be with her DD but needing a fresh start. Her husband has been dead for 18 months and perhaps she just feels the need to get away, her grief might be that strong.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 23/07/2011 18:36

Why indeed? There could be many reasons. It depends what MIL does with/for the family, I suppose.

Perhaps OP has come across in a way she doesn't mean but her posts don't read 'love' to me, just concern that MIL is going to live with her daughter and other family members. Nothing at all about missing her...

I am cynical based on the posts, I don't think this is about missing the MIL.

Sidge · 23/07/2011 18:37

I can understand you are hurt that she has made her mind up but it's her decision to make, not yours. It's not all about you.

Miggsie · 23/07/2011 18:37

I'd be surprised if she was let in. I think the rules are you have to have a desired occupation, or have several hundred thousand pounds. also, she would not qualify for a NZ pension so she would need to demonstrate she has a pension.

It must be a big shock to realise that if she goes you won't see her again.

AurraSing · 23/07/2011 18:48

I think you need to realise that she is leaving, not because she is abandoning you, but because she needs/ is needed there. If it is such a snap decission perhaps something is going on that you don't know about?

SheCutOffTheirTails · 23/07/2011 18:57

"Tis might not be so much about her wanting to be with her DD but needing a fresh start. Her husband has been dead for 18 months and perhaps she just feels the need to get away, her grief might be that strong."

Yes

FabbyChic · 23/07/2011 19:01

Has she even thought it through properly it's clearly a snap decision.

Original poster

babeinthewood · 23/07/2011 19:05

to be honest, its only in the last year that she has started to get involved with the children, she very rarely babysits, wouldnt dream of dropping in without having had an appointment (her not me) but we go to her most weekends and if we dont we know about it

I know its her desision to make, and I appreciate shes made it, I just dont like the out-of-the-blue bit! its all very fast considering two weeks ago she was totally against the idea. If im honest it wont make a massive difference to me personally, I have tried my best to be friendly with her, but Im not her daughter and thats that. What I am upset about is the children, they already feel that people are disappearing left right and centre, and hubby is still very raw over his dad etc etc I know the children are my responsibility, but it is inconceivable to me that one would not take them into account when making such a big decision. And with all due respect it will be me that has to pick up the pieces after yet another massive change in their lives which totally rocks their world, which for them, it will.

I cant see how they would accept her either, shes had her medical and failed, but apparently its just because of her cholesterol and blood pressure which they can sort out before she re-submits.

Anyway Hubby is going to go and talk to her and we are going to skype SIL later, to see what the motivators are. and to see what SIL thinks. We are a little concerned that she has misconceptions about what it will be like. and to those of you who will say 'well let her get on with it and find out' I think it best that she does have a balanced view. SIL has a busy life out there, I cant see her having all that much time to hang around with her mum, certainly not as much as we are expected to.

OP posts:

EcoLady · 23/07/2011 19:06

My mother moved to NZ 20 years ago. I was 21 at the time and just finishing Uni, having been independant of both parents for 3 years. My half-siblings were 3 and 6 at the time and went too.

Fast forward 20 years ... and we're just back from taking her grandchildren to visit. Had an absolute blast. Air fare was ~£700 each. We all have a great relationship, even though we rarely physically meet.

If the OP's MIL wants to emigrate to NZ it's no-one's business but her own. It's a gorgeous country and she has other family there, so why shouldn't she?

Original poster

babeinthewood · 23/07/2011 19:08

and as for her being needed there, My SIL has managed with a child who has been in and out of hospital with a chromosomal disorder, and breast cancer by herself. and they didnt even visit much during those times - if it was me Id have been there like a shot. My point being, its a bit late to run over there now, as the stormy days have passed. SIL is extremely independent and strong, and as I said before leads a very busy active lifestyle.

OP posts:

YellowDinosaur · 23/07/2011 19:09

My sister lives in NZ. With her husband and my 2 little nephews. Of course I would prefer that they live over here and I could see them all the time but I have to be happy for my sister and support her in what makes HER happy. OP I'm afraid you need to do the same or your relationship with your MIL will suffer more than it will by her move.

Noone is saying Skype is a substitute for living round the corner but given that she will not be around the corner it is actually great. And free. We use it all the time, including my 3 and 5 year old sons to speak to their 3 year old cousin. And to speak to my parents who are a few hours drive away too.

YANBU to be upset by her decision or to wish she hadn't made it. But you have to be able to move on from your own upset and if she really wishes to do this you need to be able to support her. She is 73 and not dead or infirm so there is no reason why she can't come back and visit - my Granny went to stay with my sister in NZ at the age of 85! And if you really want to you can make space in your house for her to stay - you'll all have to cosy up a bit thats all.

Get upset, have a rant on here and to your dh but please then try and be happy for her and to look for solutions and positive things rather than dwelling on the negatives.

Original poster

babeinthewood · 23/07/2011 19:09

Im not saying she shouldnt, just it would have been nice to be consulted/considered in the decision.

OP posts:

Ripeberry · 23/07/2011 19:16

The crux is that the 'free' childcare has moved away! Good on her for moving. Too many people are too afraid of change. It's not the 18th century, we have Skype and phones!

Why not start saving now to visit one day?

exoticfruits · 23/07/2011 19:18

My mother had a holiday in New Zealand when she was 83yrs-I do think think that people are being very negative.
I still wonder how supportive OP would have been, given more time. Ithink the negatives would have gone straight in -which is why she put off mentioning it.

Tenacity · 23/07/2011 19:19

To be frank, you sound very selfish. It's all about you and your needs. Does she not have the right to spend the twilight years the way she wants?

With a DIL like you, it's no wonder she wants to be as far away as possible.

Original poster

babeinthewood · 23/07/2011 19:33

lol, My mother in law VERY RARELY baby sits for my kids!!!! she has had them once in the last 12 months and that was only because we'd paid for tickets for something and our other sitter had let us down

OP posts:

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