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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be pissed at my MIL for suddenly deciding to move 12,000 miles away?

115 replies

babeinthewood · 23/07/2011 16:29

My MIL phoned earlier to announce that she is off to NZ to live...........

bit of background: My SIL moved over to NZ about 20 years ago, and has lived there ever since. MIL and FIL used to go over every other christmas for three months. FIL died 18 months ago, about 6 months ago she was talking about buying a small house over there, and moving between the two countries six months in each, we said we had thought she would probably emigrate at some point, and she said absolutely not. She was so against it that two weeks ago she gave us a long spiel about the UK being her home yadda yadda yadda.

we are very shocked and upset, she doesnt appear to have thought about the 5 granchildren and son she is leaving behind at all. Theres no way we could ever visit her. Am I being unreasonable to be really pissed off that shes just apparently made this snap desision without letting us know she was thinking about it?

OP posts:
SheCutOffTheirTails · 23/07/2011 17:12

She already goes to NZ for a quarter of the year, every year. If the children don't already know plenty about it, and haven't seen tons of photographs, then they're even less likely to now.

This is going to have a deleterious effect on her relationship with her English grandchildren, there is no point in dressing that up with ridiculous guff about how Skype means that you can have even better relationships with people you are never going to see again in the flesh for the rest of your life.

The point is that it's her choice, she has other family there and she wants to move there.

But the family she's leaving behind in England will miss her. That's what it means when you emigrate, particularly when you move to the other side of the world. Especially when you are elderly and will soon be unable to travel.

Lotkinsgonecurly · 23/07/2011 17:12

Sounds like sour grapes to me but I do think you're thoughts are a little misguided. It sounds as if she'll really be missed over here and I'm sure she'll plan to come back and visit. But look at it from her point of view, she has the opportunity to start a new life over there and at the age of 73 if she doesn't do it now she'll be too old. Its not the type of thing to contemplate at 80 really is it?

Well done her, maybe she'll be able to fund some of you going over to see her or she'll be back soonish for a visit. Its really unlikely to have been a quick or easy decision to make.

exoticfruits · 23/07/2011 17:12

It appears to me that she is supposed to sit around for your convience-maybe she wants a bit of adventure before it is too late.

SheCutOffTheirTails · 23/07/2011 17:14

"If it something really important like a wedding I expect she can come over-and stay with a friend."

Rubbish. My Granny didn't attend my cousin's wedding in Australia because she's too elderly and infirm now to make a journey like that.

"I'm sure they would love to have family in NZ."

They already have family in NZ. They have an aunt and cousins.

Having family that live on the other side of the world that you never see isn't really all the brilliant.

Original poster
babeinthewood · 23/07/2011 17:15

SIL made her choice to move away knowing that her parents would most likely never join her, my poor FIL will be spinning in his grave.

I guess we are just very shocked and reeling from her desision, which is understandable as two weeks ago she told us she would never even consider it because of her family and life here.......thats probably why Im upset.

Do you know how much it costs to go to NZ??!?!?!? then theres the practicality of getting there, staying there etc etc

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 23/07/2011 17:16

Well perhaps she's very lonely in the UK. I would be.

squeakytoy · 23/07/2011 17:19

my poor FIL will be spinning in his grave.

Why? he would probably want his wife to be happy, and if that means moving to be with her daughter, then so be it.

Do you know how much it costs to go to NZ??!?!?!? then theres the practicality of getting there, staying there etc etc

ffs.. you save up, you get on a plane, you stay with your relatives... you have a holiday of a lifetime... it really is not impossible, and maybe your MIL will help out with the air fares.

Original poster
babeinthewood · 23/07/2011 17:22

I know for a fact he wouldnt want this, otherwise they'd have done it years ago. we dont have relatives that have space for five people. You cant save money when theres no money to save, we are scraping by as it is, got more chance of winning the lottery than I have of ever saving enough money to go over, particularly if things stay as they are. No its not impossible, but its very unlikely :-(

I Dont see how she will be any less lonely over there than she is here, is she is at all.

OP posts:
Ineedacleaneriamalazyslattern · 23/07/2011 17:23

I agree you sound like yabu but I can also understand where you are coming from as well.
Sil dh is from 900 miles away and all his family is there. They have thought on and off about moving there and sil has asked mil if she would go with her. I suspect mil would be off like a shot and it does upset me and make me angry for dh and the dc. She is the only family dh really has left and sil would be surrounded by her dh large family but mil wouldn't think of that she just thinks sil wouldn't cope without her.
It is hard to articulate the hurt these situations cause. At the end of the day I know I am being unreasonable as are you really but I also totally get how you are feeling right now.

Original poster
babeinthewood · 23/07/2011 17:26

thank you........I just wish she would talk about it!

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 23/07/2011 17:26

HE didnt want it, but maybe she did deep down then, and she has gone along with his wishes until he died, but now she is widowed it is her chance to do what she wants to do with her life.

I would miss my MIL terribly if she decided to emigrate, but I certainly wouldnt try and lay a guilt trip on her, or sound as negative and entitled as you do.

Her daughter is probably thrilled that her mum will be close to her. Her grandchildren out there are probably excited that they will get a chance to see a lot more of her.

Why not be supportive to her, and try to be happy that she is doing something that SHE wants to do.

2rebecca · 23/07/2011 17:27

I think considering your extended families opinions and allowing them to dictate how you run your life are 2 different things. I always feel sorry for young families on "wanted down under" type programs when the families parents start doing the emotional manipulation "my family is my life" "I don't know how I'll manage without you" type stuff, and here you are doing the same thing.
Why can't you be happy for her and wish her well? She isn't even your mother. You do sound very self centred.

DaisyDaresYOU · 23/07/2011 17:32

The FILs death has obviously had an affect on her.Maybe she wants to see more of the SIL and the other grandchildren before she dies.Tbh I can see why she hasnt told you judging by your posts.You say she's not lonely.How would you know,you are not her.

BadBagel · 23/07/2011 17:33

It's her life, her choice. She probably didn't tell you sooner because she knew how you would react, I am sure it wasn't an easy decision for her. What would you have done if she had told you sooner?

I am very Shock that you consider your family more important than SIl's

SheCutOffTheirTails · 23/07/2011 17:34

She's just lost her husband recently, so it's a good bet she's lonely.

Of course it's sad for your family, for your children and for your husband. And it's come as a shock.

But she has (it seems) 2 children and she's obviously decided she wants to grow old with her daughter nearby to look after her. She's lived near her son and known his children for years, now she has the chance to spend time with her daughter's family.

Don't be angry with her, you don't have cause. It's very hard when families are separated and people have to make decisions like these.

Please try to be understanding about this - your DH and the children are going to be very hurt by her going and you can help to make the process less fraught for everyone.

Tarenath · 23/07/2011 17:35

YANBU to be upset, however it's her life.

We are looking at emigrating too. I know it's going to upset the grandparents but at the end of the day we need to do what's right for us and our children. If moving to NZ is what's right for your MIL then I say good luck to her and I hope it all works out.

diddl · 23/07/2011 17:36

"I know for a fact he wouldnt want this, otherwise they'd have done it years ago."

So, now that she has the chance, she´s going!

She´s probably wanted to d othis for the best part of 20yrs!

HerHissyness · 23/07/2011 17:37

I think you are all being very mean to babe actually.

The decision IS out of the blue, it was made without any semblance of acknowledgement to her DS and his family at all. Selfish is an interesting word and tbh I think it's a little unfair hurling such a word at the OP, she didn't choose to leave 7 people behind without so much as a by your leave.

Flights to NZ are expensive, for the whole family, you are talking the greater part of £10,000 by the time transport and spending money is taken into account.

My mum naffed off to NZ/Oz for 6weeks without really telling me, knowing that her dates would coincide with my not so D X leaving, and me being left totally alone without anyone at all when my 10 year relationship had just imploded. It was dreadfully hurtful. It's really changed the way I interact with my family now. Up until then, I thought there were more bonds between my family than there clearly are.

I don't blame you for feeling a bit hurt OP, I think your DH needs to sit her down and have a chat with his mum though, it isn't on to just make decisions like this without at least going through the motions of involving them.

FWIW, I think that the generation that are hitting their 70s now are often really, really selfish and unthinking. My grandmother would never have been so inconsiderate, and I sure as hell wouldn't make decisions like this without talking to lots of people about and seeing what their thoughts were.

SheCutOffTheirTails · 23/07/2011 17:38

"She´s probably wanted to d othis for the best part of 20yrs!"

You have no basis for claiming this.

From the sounds of it this woman has friends and a happy life in the UK. And also her son and his children.

I think it is really cruel and unnecessary to make up stuff that implies that she doesn't give a shit about her son.

skybluepearl · 23/07/2011 17:40

What your FIL wants has to take second place to your MIL's needs now he has passed away. Can't live in the past. Maybe your MIL was just trying to convince herself when she said she would never move over to NZ. Maybe your MIL always really secretly wanted to move out but was never allowed to due to FIL? Why does your MIL want to move out there?

revolutionscoop · 23/07/2011 17:40

Does MIL do much babysitting, op?

exoticfruits · 23/07/2011 17:46

I bet she has wanted to do it for ages, just held back by FIL and now she feared being held back by DS and wife so she told them at the last minute. How supportive would you have been OP, if she had talked it over? I guess not much and she knew it so didn't bother!

diddl · 23/07/2011 17:48

Why would it mean she doesn´t "give a shit" about her son?

Maybe she thinks that she can have a better life for herself there!

SheCutOffTheirTails · 23/07/2011 17:52

Wow, just fucking wow.

Family upset that beloved Granny is moving to the other side of the world and they will rarely see her again.

MN response - she has probably wanted to leave for 20 years since her daughter left.

Is it that you people think NZ is better than the UK? That daughters are better than sons?

Or do you just enjoy being disparaging about people who are understandably upset?

HerHissyness · 23/07/2011 17:55

finally! a voice of reason! SCOTT! Grin