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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DD's to pay half towards an intensive ballet workshop fortnight

99 replies

mynaughtylittlesister · 23/07/2011 00:02

I have 3 DDs, DD2 and DD3 love ballet.

The ballet school that they go to gives the children an opportunity to do an intensive course for 2 weeks, then at the end of it they put on 7 shows to the public. The ballet is magnificent, the costumes are outstanding (last year one of my dd's wore a dress that cost £1000!) - thankfully we are not asked to pay for costumes . But its at a cost of £275 per child, I still have to drive them there every day, lunches , pocket money for shop visit at lunch time, new satin ballet slipper, new tights and then tickets to see the show. I honestly do not mind paying etc.....

I never make them do this fortnight, its their choice. DD2 has already done 2 of these work shops, DD3 did it for the 1st time last yr.

Each time I have asked them to pay half, this means that they normally give us (DH and I) their Christmas and birthday money. Our DDs normally do get what they ask for Christmas (thankfully it has always been in our price budget!!!) so they are never without at Christmas.

Today, I have had a massive fallout with my mother (that in its self is another story) but she told me that I should not make my children pay for half of the ballet, her words were that if I couldn't afford to send them on this fortnight then they should not go. I should be ashamed of myself for even thinking that it is okay.

Am I really scarring them to ask to pay half? This year DD3 actually did not get the full amount of money from birthday and Christmas money, we have not made a big deal and just paid the extra bit. As far as I am concerned she is contributing towards it - thats it!

I would find it hard to pay for both of them to do the ballet plus all the extras. I thought that I had found a solution that suited them and my purse strings.

OP posts:
talkingnonsense · 23/07/2011 00:05

Yanbu, it is really good for them to know these things aren't free. And it saves them spening the money on rubbish. And they probably get more out of it knowing that they contributed. Your mum is u here I think.

worraliberty · 23/07/2011 00:06

It depends really

How old are they?

If they wanted to give up ballet tomorrow would you let them?

manicinsomniac · 23/07/2011 00:06

How old are they?

I think it's probably a good thing that they're paying. Ballet is an incredibly expensive hobby and it's great that they're learning the value of money like that. They are getting a wonderful opportunity and won't be taking it for granted :)

It's not like you're leaving them with no CHristmas presents etc either.

prudaloo · 23/07/2011 00:06

How old are they?

seeker · 23/07/2011 00:07

Entirely reasonable. What does the non ballet dd get?

Original poster
mynaughtylittlesister · 23/07/2011 00:09

DD2 is almost 14 and DD3 is 11

They love dancing, so I dont think its an issue that they do not want to dance. This argument came completely out of the blue from my mother.

OP posts:
Allinabinbag · 23/07/2011 00:09

They are not getting nothing, they are getting an intensive expensive ballet course for their Christmas and birthday!

FabbyChic · 23/07/2011 00:11

I do find it unreasonable, they are children their money is theirs, you chose for them to start ballet in the first place, if you could not afford all the trappings that came with it you should not have started out on it.

Birthday/Christmas money is from others so they can treat themselves to things when they want them, not pay for extra curricular activities that you have put them into from a young age.

I'd never ask my children to contribute to something like that would feel a bad parent for doing so. But that's just me. Kids cost you money simple, it should not cost them a penny until they earn their money i.e are of working age.

Original poster
mynaughtylittlesister · 23/07/2011 00:12

The non ballet DD is almost 18! she gets lifts everywhere she needs lol . We have always been conscious of this and when there has been an extra holiday at school ie - a wks trip on the Norfolk Broads she has been on it - well 3 xs actually.

OP posts:
worraliberty · 23/07/2011 00:13

Yes but if they wanted to give up ballet tomorrow would you let them?

squeakytoy · 23/07/2011 00:13

If the girls are happy with the arrangement, then I dont see how it is anyone elses business.

Original poster
mynaughtylittlesister · 23/07/2011 00:16

fabby, I adore my girls, they do ballet every week and I never ask for them to pay for it. This is above a normal ballet class. It is expensive, they ask to do it, I ask them to pay half. They have a birthday and Christmas list, 9 times out of 10 they get what they have asked for.

Not every child in the ballet sch does this - in fact only about 20 children do.

OP posts:
Tryharder · 23/07/2011 00:16

I think at this age it's OK. Had you said they were 6 and 4, then I would have agreed with your mum. Presumably if they wanted to spend their Xmas money on something else and not go to the ballet, that would be fine Smile

Original poster
mynaughtylittlesister · 23/07/2011 00:17

If they wanted to give up then yes, I would never make them do anything they didn't want to do for an after school activity.

OP posts:
differentnameforthis · 23/07/2011 00:21

Agree with fabbychic.

Unfair that they should have to pay.

differentnameforthis · 23/07/2011 00:22

If the girls are happy with the arrangement, then I dont see how it is anyone elses business

The op made it everyone else's business by asking here....

ImperialBlether · 23/07/2011 00:24

I think it's reasonable. If you would find it hard to make ends meet otherwise, it's ridiculous that they would then have money to spend on unnecessary things.

They are paying for an experience. It sounds fantastic. If they didn't want it, they wouldn't put their money towards it. The fact they are willing to pay half is testimony to the fact they love it.

Take no notice of your mum. Do you remember her paying £275 for you to do something like that, when she couldn't afford it?

worraliberty · 23/07/2011 00:28

In that case it sounds reasonable to me

If they're asking to go on expensive trips, they should be willing to fund them

Original poster
mynaughtylittlesister · 23/07/2011 00:29

Only reason why I am asking is the fact that my mother was giving me a hard time that I had dared ask for my girls to contribute towards their dancing fortnight. She also told me that she was not the only one that thought I was being unreasonable, even though no one else has said anything to me and as far as I am aware (until today) if they did not know what to buy my girls they have given money towards the ballet as we have made no secret to what its for.

OP posts:
MumblingRagDoll · 23/07/2011 00:29

I think you should pay. It's an enriching activity...if they wanted a Wii or something then fair enough...but ballet? No! If it were a maths/science club which cost a lot would you make them pay half then?

Original poster
mynaughtylittlesister · 23/07/2011 00:35

Imperial, that is part of the reason why I asked them to pay in the first place, we went to see the 1st ballet workshop show and it was amazing. DD2 said to me , Mum I want to do that next year, DH and I thought about it etc and then decided to go on the route well if you pay half then so will we. DD2 did this and then had an fantastic time. DD3 had the chance too but chose Brownie camp instead. Last year when the info came out, both DDs wanted to do it.

OP posts:
worraliberty · 23/07/2011 00:36

Yeah but it's something they don't have to do to continue their ballet but something they want to do.

Now if the OP can't afford this intensive course that they don't actually need but will enjoy...wouldn't she be more unreasonable to flatly refuse to let them go even if they're happy to pay for it themselves?

I'd sooner see them put their own money to good use rather than waste it on shite like a lot of teenagers/kids do.

Original poster
mynaughtylittlesister · 23/07/2011 00:40

Maths will help them in school so a bit unfair to ask!

DD2 was asked to do her Grade 4 ballet exam this summer, she enjoys ballet but does not want to do exams etc Her teacher has said okay she can move up naturally. DD3 wanted to do her Grade 3 so did it and passed well.

I do not make my children do things they do not want to do. This is a hobby that hopefully will teach them grace , poise and lol value for money!

OP posts:
seeker · 23/07/2011 00:42

Fabbychic - you do occupy a very odd world!

hopefulgum · 23/07/2011 00:55

YANBU. You are teaching your daughters the value of money. They have a choice how they may spend it - and they choose to put it towards this fabulous experience.

There's so much on offer for our children, and we could send ourselves broke trying to cover these experiences. My children have been involved in very enriching school camps (optional), and we have always asked them if they feel it is worth saving up for - they decide whether they want to pay part of the fee. I think children who have to contribute towards the experience value it more than someone who is just given it for nothing.

I am surprised at your mother. I really would have thought she see it as a good lesson for the kids.