Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DD's to pay half towards an intensive ballet workshop fortnight

99 replies

mynaughtylittlesister · 23/07/2011 00:02

I have 3 DDs, DD2 and DD3 love ballet.

The ballet school that they go to gives the children an opportunity to do an intensive course for 2 weeks, then at the end of it they put on 7 shows to the public. The ballet is magnificent, the costumes are outstanding (last year one of my dd's wore a dress that cost £1000!) - thankfully we are not asked to pay for costumes . But its at a cost of £275 per child, I still have to drive them there every day, lunches , pocket money for shop visit at lunch time, new satin ballet slipper, new tights and then tickets to see the show. I honestly do not mind paying etc.....

I never make them do this fortnight, its their choice. DD2 has already done 2 of these work shops, DD3 did it for the 1st time last yr.

Each time I have asked them to pay half, this means that they normally give us (DH and I) their Christmas and birthday money. Our DDs normally do get what they ask for Christmas (thankfully it has always been in our price budget!!!) so they are never without at Christmas.

Today, I have had a massive fallout with my mother (that in its self is another story) but she told me that I should not make my children pay for half of the ballet, her words were that if I couldn't afford to send them on this fortnight then they should not go. I should be ashamed of myself for even thinking that it is okay.

Am I really scarring them to ask to pay half? This year DD3 actually did not get the full amount of money from birthday and Christmas money, we have not made a big deal and just paid the extra bit. As far as I am concerned she is contributing towards it - thats it!

I would find it hard to pay for both of them to do the ballet plus all the extras. I thought that I had found a solution that suited them and my purse strings.

OP posts:
aStarInStrangeways · 23/07/2011 08:56

YANBU. I completely agree with everyone else who has said that you're teaching them a valuable lesson about managing their money and making choices. It's something I wish my own parents had done, as I've had to learn the hard way and have many years of shit financial decisions behind me as a result.

iwanttoseethezoo · 23/07/2011 08:58

no, YANBU - we could not afford £275 so if the DCs got some money and wanted desperately to go, they would have to contribute at least some of the cost. I think at 11 and 14 it's a great lesson to learn that things cost money and it's giving them responsibility. YOU ARE NOT BEING UNREASONABLE! TELL YOUR MUM TO SOD OFF :)

PrincessJenga · 23/07/2011 09:15

I think it's a brilliant idea. I'm storing it up in my list of 'useful things I've learnt from mumsnet about parenting' for when LO is finally here. Presumably I can't use the same model to pay for his nursery fees though... Wink

AmandaCooper · 23/07/2011 09:22

I admire what you're doing as well. There's nothing but positives here. YANBU.

pigletmania · 23/07/2011 09:54

Its no different to youngsters putting their birthday/christmas money towards driving lessons, or a car. That's how they choose to spend their birthday/money instead of buying things that they don't need, that will get disgarded in a couple of weeks. they are old enough to understand and they have made the decision themselves, not op forcing them to do this. if they did'nt want to then they would not go on their ballet course, and they really want to do this so what's the problem.

prudaloo · 23/07/2011 10:11

YANBU; my twins neede/wanted laptops when they started Sixth Form- a few years back so they were more expensive then. We agreed, as long as they paid half from their savings- birthday money, christening gifts etc. which was in the building society. They were happy to do this and got better laptops as a result.
Ballet is excellent on many fronts; I read a while ago that is "trains the brain"- something about research showing that it makes the brain receptive to learning of all types- and I definitely think that was the case with my DD.
In the end, if they choose to pay, having had the option, then I would be more than happy!

cantreachmytoes · 23/07/2011 10:30

Speaking as a former amateur dancer (not ballet), I don't think you are being unreasonable. This is not the same as their regular ballet classes, which they can continue going to without attending the two-week classes. It is something they do because they love - just as some kids LOVE playing computer games (although arguably it's far healthier and more constructive!) and want to spend their money on new games.

I also think that the family income is irrelevant as to whether they contribute. The issue is that this wonderful (and expensive) experience does not just land on their laps, they have to consciously CHOOSE to do it and their contribution in it will make them appreciate it all the more - and let's face it, half of the price is not half of the real cost.

What is wrong with young adults understanding the cost of things, especially when, given the current economic climate, they are likely to need to comprehend such things much more clearly than recent generations have had to? These girls are not working for this money, it is a gift to spend on what they wish - which most givers understand to be on ballet activities/items anyway. They are not suffering in any way by contributing and they get not only the ballet experience, but learn, very gently, that the money used to buy things they enjoy doesn't grow on trees.

Maybe the question is that if one year they got neither Christmas nor birthday money and still really wanted to go, would that mean they cannot go?

I'm guessing the best answer would be to ask their grandmother to pay ;)

valiumredhead · 23/07/2011 10:32

YANBU my ds loves Tennis cams and it's on for 3 weeks of the summer holidays - it's no where near what you pay for ballet and I still ask ds to pay for one of the weeks if he wants to go to all of them(I am quite happy to pay for 2 weeks)

Does them good to know money doesn't grow on trees and after all it's their choice if they want to go or not.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 23/07/2011 10:33

YANBU. They are spending their money on something they really love, something they wouldn't be able to do otherwise. There can be nothing but good to come from this.

magicmelons · 23/07/2011 10:48

YANBU at all, presumably you don't make them go, they have a choice, if they decided to not go they could keep their money. It is very sensible.

HappyMummyOfOne · 23/07/2011 10:57

I think YAB a little U, if I give a child a gift of money then i'd like to think they would spend it on something frivolous that they want rather than the parents using it towards what they deem it should be spent on. Its one of the reasons I tend not to give cash to children.

Sirzy · 23/07/2011 10:58

Yanbu, it is good to encourage them to understand the cost of these things and make them appreciate it more.

lurkerspeaks · 23/07/2011 11:04

I frequently give friends/relatives children money (they have lots of 'things' and are in now way deprived) as I want them to be able to do things just like this and I know that household income won't always stretch.

All of the kids I buy for are still little so their Mother's control the purse strings but I know I bought my nephew a term of swimming lessons.

One he gets older I see no harm in him choosing, which is precisely what your daughters have done, what to spend the money on.

My other cousin chose to spent her daughters present money on some plastic tat. Quite frankly I was disappointed as I think a term of swimming lessons, for a child who does virutally no 'extra curricular stuff, is much more enriching in the long run than yet another toy in an already overloaded household. It might have been that she was worried about funding subsequent terms lessons so I might be being a bit harsh.

rattling · 23/07/2011 11:27

From the age of 12, I saved up pocket money, birthday money, christmas money towards an "own a pony" week at the stables I rode at every week. The moment it ended I started saving for the following year. My parents paid for lessons every week, this was definitely extra and have left me with some of my best memories. Also left me with the ability to save for a horse 15 years later.

If it is worth it to them they will happily pay for it.

YANBU!

pigletmania · 23/07/2011 11:41

happymummy they are spending it on what they like. Just because its not some old tat that they they will throw away or get broken does not make it wrong. They love ballet, they want to spend the money going on the workshop, it sounds like its what they really want, where is the problem. The op pays for their regular ballet lessons and clothes. I would rather my money go on something they really want, if its that then so be it.

TrillianAstra · 23/07/2011 12:02

her words were that if I couldn't afford to send them on this fortnight then they should not go

So your mother would rather that they missed out? Instead of learning a valuable lesson about how money doesn't grow on trees and getting to do something that they love?

Surely it's up to them? You can't afford to pay for it, so the choice they have is to use birthday money or not go. They can spend the money on this or they can spend it on something else. That's what money is for.

PandaG · 23/07/2011 12:13

we did something similar with DS - he wanted gto go on a school trip costing £185. We felt that was incredibly expensive for a weekend, so agreed to contribute £100 if he asked for money for his birthday from family to cover the rest. Family were very happy to contribute to something he wanted to do which was certainly over and above an eductaional trip, and he went and had a ball knowing he had helped pay for it.

so, YAdefinitely NBU!

TrillianAstra · 23/07/2011 12:19

I agree 100% that learning how to manage money is something that will make them happier and more capable adults.

Love that your DD used a giftcard for WHSmith to buy snacks to she could use her snack money in Claire's. That is financial planning!

didldidi · 23/07/2011 12:20

well if I was giving money as a gift I would much rather it be spent on contributing towards this than my dd frittering it away on something 'frivolous'

didldidi · 23/07/2011 12:21

sorry that should say than their dd frittering it away on something 'frivolous'!

fluffles · 23/07/2011 12:26

i think it's actually a very sensible way of ensuring they actually want to go.

lots of parents send their kids off on every trip and workshop and opportunity that comes along and the children say 'oh ok, i'll go' without really wanting to.

if they have to pay half then it shows they are making a conscious decision that they want to spend their money on it. i think that's healthy.

warthog · 23/07/2011 12:26

yanbu

i think it's good that they learn the value of money.

warthog · 23/07/2011 12:27

they'll also be more incentivised to get something out of it if they have to make a sacrifice to go.

cardibach · 23/07/2011 12:44

YANBU, for all the reasons people have stated above. I'm doing a similar thing with my daughter (15). She is going on a very expensive rubgy/hockey tour with school to South Africa (hope that hasn't just identified me!) next year. They have to take £300 with them for food and spending money, so it is essential. I have told her she needs to find that from her small summer job and Cristmas/birthday money, as well as finding the cost of any clothes she wants to buy to take (not essentials, I'll pay for those). She is more than happy to do this as it make sher feel more adult.

It is important children learn that money has to be earned and saved.

swash · 23/07/2011 12:48

I would definitely do this too. In fact, I will be getting one of my dd's granny to buy her new ballet uniform for her birthday; the other will be buying a violin so she can do lessons at school. I never give my dds their birthday money - I put it in their CTF fund. They are little though!

Swipe left for the next trending thread