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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask DD's to pay half towards an intensive ballet workshop fortnight

99 replies

mynaughtylittlesister · 23/07/2011 00:02

I have 3 DDs, DD2 and DD3 love ballet.

The ballet school that they go to gives the children an opportunity to do an intensive course for 2 weeks, then at the end of it they put on 7 shows to the public. The ballet is magnificent, the costumes are outstanding (last year one of my dd's wore a dress that cost £1000!) - thankfully we are not asked to pay for costumes . But its at a cost of £275 per child, I still have to drive them there every day, lunches , pocket money for shop visit at lunch time, new satin ballet slipper, new tights and then tickets to see the show. I honestly do not mind paying etc.....

I never make them do this fortnight, its their choice. DD2 has already done 2 of these work shops, DD3 did it for the 1st time last yr.

Each time I have asked them to pay half, this means that they normally give us (DH and I) their Christmas and birthday money. Our DDs normally do get what they ask for Christmas (thankfully it has always been in our price budget!!!) so they are never without at Christmas.

Today, I have had a massive fallout with my mother (that in its self is another story) but she told me that I should not make my children pay for half of the ballet, her words were that if I couldn't afford to send them on this fortnight then they should not go. I should be ashamed of myself for even thinking that it is okay.

Am I really scarring them to ask to pay half? This year DD3 actually did not get the full amount of money from birthday and Christmas money, we have not made a big deal and just paid the extra bit. As far as I am concerned she is contributing towards it - thats it!

I would find it hard to pay for both of them to do the ballet plus all the extras. I thought that I had found a solution that suited them and my purse strings.

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 23/07/2011 12:49

They were given that money as presents to spend as they wanted - they want to do the ballet course, so what is your mother's problem?

I personally think you are doing a great thing for your daughters by splitting the costs with them!

They learn the value of money. They won't squander it on rubbish, knowing they would not then be able to do this course.
It ensures that they still want to do ballet - they're not going to pay if they don't. So you don't get sucked into shelling out for something they're not that bothered about really.
You can afford it this way, they couldn't go otherwise, right?

It can sometimes be hard to teach children about money, prioritising - consider yourself lucky that you daughters will enter the adult world better-equipped than many, and better-equipped than if your mother had her deranged way.

CMOTdibbler · 23/07/2011 12:50

When I was a kid, I saved up and paid half of all my trips - mum reckoned that way I appreciated them more (she did pay for routine classes/groups and bought the equipment generally). And it did me the world of good.

So, yanbu

valiumredhead · 23/07/2011 12:51

When ds gets Xmas and birthday money I tell him he can spend half on whatever he likes and then the rest needs to be saved for holiday/ice creams/days out etc. He's doing more things independently now so needs some money on his pocket.

twinklypearls · 23/07/2011 12:56

I agree that YANBU and you are doing them a favour. My dd has to pay for half of the coast of her hobbies by doing jobs.

AgainWhen · 23/07/2011 12:58

YANBU

proudfoot · 23/07/2011 14:47

YANBU

They are old enough to learn value of money and this way they get something much better than if they spent it on bits and bobs.

I think it sounds great tbh.

Also none of your mum's business!

eslteacher · 23/07/2011 14:56

YANBU. I did years of dance lessons, music lessons, drama club etc when i was a kid and I honestly don't think it ever ocurred to me that these things were expensive and that my not-particularly-well-off parents probably made a lot of sacrifices to give me these experiences.

I feel quite guilty looking back on it now, especially at the point where when I was 14 my dad lost his job and was unemployed for almost a year, yet all of my lessons continued no questions asked. And at the time I had just started a little weekend job and was earning a little bit of money myself. Looking back I wish it had ocurred to me to use at least some of this money towards my numerous activities...I knew my parents were struggling financially at the time but it genuinely didn't even cross my mind how much my lessons must have been costing them. I think I imagined it was all free or something...ridiculous.

Original poster

mynaughtylittlesister · 23/07/2011 15:48

Wow! I feel so much better reading this thread. After the argument i had with my mother yesterday , I genuinely began to feel that I was being unreasonable and sat here all evening going over and over. (typical DH is away too,!!) I think my mother has forgotten what it is like to have 3DC and wanting children to value stuff and not just expect it. Obviously a sch trip is different and we would pay for it.

The ballet starts on Monday and my DD's are getting really excited.

OP posts:

valiumredhead · 23/07/2011 15:50

Hope they have a lovely time OP :)

mathanxiety · 23/07/2011 18:55

I suspect there may be an element of your mother thinking 'major purchases' are for authority figures (parents or husband) to pay for, while frittering your money away on little items from WHSmith etc., is the equivalent of girls spending their 'pin money'. Maybe she is not comfortable with the idea of girls spending their money on bigger ticket items.

skybluepearl · 23/07/2011 19:17

we always club together xmas and birthday money for the kids to get them an activity or bigger gift. you are helping to teach them the value of money - an important lesson to learn. i wouldn't be abl to afford to do specific activities or buy bigger gifts otherwise.

skybluepearl · 23/07/2011 19:20

she must have forgotton just how expensive having kids is

Flisspaps · 23/07/2011 19:30

YA definitely NBU.

Hope the girls have a fantastic time

Debs75 · 23/07/2011 19:32

YANBU You are being totally sane and preparing your kids for the future.
My DD, 14, has a job at school and last year was given the chance to go to Chima with school. She is learning chinese at G.C.S.E. We told her if she saved half her wages we would match it and that would be enough to pay her cost, any spending money would come from birthday and holiday money.
She accepted this and saved her money which suprised me. I thought it was very grown up of her and I wish I had had that financial motive instead of buying sweets every week with my pocket money

Hippee · 23/07/2011 19:54

Agree completely that YANBU - my cousins have always had everything paid for and their parents are still bailing them out in their twenties (and are starting to sound a bit resentful).

HSMM · 23/07/2011 20:07

YANBU. My DD (age 12) wants to go on a school trip, so she is saving up for it with birthday money and by doing odd jobs. I am going to pay a fair chunk of it, but it doesn't do her any harm to work and contribute towards what she wants.

wakeupandsmellthecoffee · 24/07/2011 11:57

Debs I read that as a chance to go to the cinema . lol I thought you were being a bit harsh lol

HerHissyness · 24/07/2011 12:11

Honestly OP, when can it ever be U to help young people understand the value of money?

If you were covering the cost of all of this, it'd be so easy for them to just go along with it, but as they are choosing to pay for it, you know it's something they genuinely want to do.

Everything is sooo expensive these days, and the kids have to have it all or they are deprived, but the money has to come from somewhere. Even if you had the money lying about, it'd still be a brilliant idea to make them pay for half of it.

My mother used to charge me rent once I started working, she kept the money and gave it back to me in the end, but I learnt the importance of responisbility where money is concerned.

YANBU, you are a great mum!

pixiestix · 24/07/2011 12:39

Another YANBU here. I think its lovely that your daughters are getting something that really excites them with their Xmas/birthday money, and learning about the value of things at the same time. Big respect to you!

freerangeeggs · 24/07/2011 14:37

YANBU. I think it's a great idea. When I was their age I would have felt very proud to fund something like that by myself. Unfortunately I never got that much birthday money :P

It'll encourage them to be independent. You're in the right and you know it!

elphabadefiesgravity · 24/07/2011 15:01

YANBU.

Dd is 9 she attends Stagecoach which is free becasue I work there and she also does tap, ballet and modern. She started ballet and then last year asked to try tap and modern. I paid for it on condition she saved her pocket money for the show costumes as 3 costumes is a lot doffernt to 2.

She has now asked if there are any ways she can ean some extra pocket money so she can pay to add a contemporary class when she is old enough.

Money does not grow on trees, there is a limited amount of it for the whole family. There have been things she has not been able to try for becasue of the cost, she would gladly put her borthday and christmas money towards something like that.

turningvioletviolet · 24/07/2011 16:31

Definitely not being unreasonable.

I have a 10 year old DD who pays for her own dancing lessons (via doing some gardening and weeding for me each week) - she does loads of activities that i pay for, but when she asked to do this it was just one too many so she was told she would have to pay me back each week.

DS plays the guitar - we chose to send him to lessons originally, but he is now saving up for a new guitar (apparently the one he wants is about £1000!!)with the money he earns from his paper round.

Both are quite happy to do so and imo teaches them a valuable lesson that they can't always just get what they want straight away.

Original poster

mynaughtylittlesister · 04/08/2011 21:57

I have just come away from watching the first performance - it was truly amazing, in fact that doesn't even begin to describe how the show was. The costumes were outstanding, props/scenery too. All the children (aged between 6 and 17 yrs old) all looked confident and capable.

The ballet is not a traditional one but a comedy - the couple of professionals that they had were perfect. I have come away wanting to go and watch it again - thank goodness I will be on Saturday night, oh and Sunday evening too!!

I am so glad I have taken no notice of my mother, both of my DD's are already asking to do it next year too.

OP posts:

A1980 · 04/08/2011 23:53

I haven't read all of this, I donm't have time. But from what I can see, they are not paying for it themselves, they are getting it as part of their chirstmas and birthday presents. They are only contributing half of their christmas and birthday present towards it. Therefore they are getting a very expensive and very good christmas and birthday present.

I could never go on a £275 course as a child, my mum could not have afforded it. But I would have loved to have such a cool experience every year even if i had to pay it myself out of my own money as a child.

The girls are happy to have it as part of their present so they clearly want to do it that much. If the girls are happy with it, then that's fine.

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