Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DD's to pay half towards an intensive ballet workshop fortnight

99 replies

mynaughtylittlesister · 23/07/2011 00:02

I have 3 DDs, DD2 and DD3 love ballet.

The ballet school that they go to gives the children an opportunity to do an intensive course for 2 weeks, then at the end of it they put on 7 shows to the public. The ballet is magnificent, the costumes are outstanding (last year one of my dd's wore a dress that cost £1000!) - thankfully we are not asked to pay for costumes . But its at a cost of £275 per child, I still have to drive them there every day, lunches , pocket money for shop visit at lunch time, new satin ballet slipper, new tights and then tickets to see the show. I honestly do not mind paying etc.....

I never make them do this fortnight, its their choice. DD2 has already done 2 of these work shops, DD3 did it for the 1st time last yr.

Each time I have asked them to pay half, this means that they normally give us (DH and I) their Christmas and birthday money. Our DDs normally do get what they ask for Christmas (thankfully it has always been in our price budget!!!) so they are never without at Christmas.

Today, I have had a massive fallout with my mother (that in its self is another story) but she told me that I should not make my children pay for half of the ballet, her words were that if I couldn't afford to send them on this fortnight then they should not go. I should be ashamed of myself for even thinking that it is okay.

Am I really scarring them to ask to pay half? This year DD3 actually did not get the full amount of money from birthday and Christmas money, we have not made a big deal and just paid the extra bit. As far as I am concerned she is contributing towards it - thats it!

I would find it hard to pay for both of them to do the ballet plus all the extras. I thought that I had found a solution that suited them and my purse strings.

OP posts:
Original poster
mynaughtylittlesister · 23/07/2011 01:04

Thank you Hopeful, that is what I thought she would have said too! I have known since March that she has not been happy at giving money etc for the ballet , instead she chose to give a £10 gift card for WHSmiths. The sad thing is DD2 has used it to get drinks etc when she is in town and not used it how my mother would have like! Although my mother does not know what DD has spent her gift card on. ho hum

OP posts:
Original poster
mynaughtylittlesister · 23/07/2011 01:06

Please note that DD does get money to spend in town - she has decided that she can get a drink in WHS and that gives her a chance to spend her bit of pocket money in Claires etc....... where she does not have a gift card!

OP posts:
Eurostar · 23/07/2011 01:13

YANBU, you are teaching your children the value of money and the art of saving. Incredibly useful. Adults who can manage their money tend to be a lot happier than those who can't in my experience and they are on the way to learning how to manage money.

EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 23/07/2011 01:36

So you can only afford for them to both go if their present money from other people covers half the cost, they still get almost everything they want for Christmas and birthdays from you, they're 11 and 14, they choose to do it, you wouldn't mind if they (or just one of them) chose not to and you've been careful to make sure you pay for the non ballet DD gets to go on some optional school trips she wants to go on in the interests of fairness.

YANBU

Your mother really thinks that it would be better for them to miss out on doing something they really enjoy because you can't afford to pay for all of it? When they are choosing to put their present money towards it? Very odd. Could it be that she resents not being able to buy something special for them? Probably not if her idea of an alternative present is a £10 gift card to WHSmiths. Does she know that you give them spending money? Could she believe that they don't have the cash to buy themselves eg a drink and a magazine or a DVD if they feel like it? That they have no control over the way the cash is spent? Is she not keen on them doing ballet?

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/07/2011 01:40

I think YANBU. I think expecting them to contribute probably makes them appreciate it more and really value it. I bet they are attentive since they have paid! I do find attitudes like Fabbychic's very strange. It goes along with the idea that children shouldn't do housework. They are going to get a horrible shock at 16/18 when they realise houses need to be cleaned, iPods don't fall out of the sky and people providing a service need to be paid. I always wonder if these are the same people with threads written about them like;

My DH can't manage money

My DSis doesn't know how a washing machine works

My DNiece still borrows money from her parents

FuzzpigFourFiveSix · 23/07/2011 01:44

Sounds great to me. I bet they really enjoy it and work damn hard during the course, they won't take it for granted.

If you couldn't afford it, they'd be devastated if they couldn't go, so it makes sense to offer them the chance to rectify that. Nobody's forcing them - if one of them wanted a wii or whatever, they'd be free to spend their money on that instead presumably?

FuzzpigFourFiveSix · 23/07/2011 01:45

Anyway, experiences like this will last a lifetime, unlike the usual tat a teenager might otherwise spend their money on :o

NoelEdmundshair · 23/07/2011 01:51

YANBU.

My DD is only 6 and ridiculously spoilt this summer holiday is learning that if she wants certain things she has to dip into her piggy bank and use her stash of pocket money received from her grandparents.

I think it's good to teach them the value of things from an early age. Enjoy your DD's ballet show and ignore your mother and FabbySmile

SydSaid · 23/07/2011 06:15

YANBU.

They are choosing to spend their birthday and christmas money on this experience, in order to be able to go.

I think it's fabulous that they want to spend it on something that is obviously so enriching, rather than sweets, make up and video games.

Ignore your mother, she is being overprotective in the way only grandmothers can be.

What you are doing is teaching your children that they can't have everything, that money has a value and that sometimes you have to make financial sacrifices for what you really want. Nowt wrong with that - in fact more children need to be taught that lesson, I know of several twenty-somethings now landed with a debt equivalent to the cost of my first house due to overspending on credit cards as soon as they left home.

lisianthus · 23/07/2011 06:24

YANBU. You are teaching them the value of money and they are choosing to do this voluntarily. I also cannot understand why anyone would object to children learning about responsibility and saving for things - as MrsTerryPratchett says upthread, if you don't do it, they don't magically learn it when they are 18.

They will appreciate this opportunity far more than spending the cash on tat.

twilight3 · 23/07/2011 06:30

I think they should pay even if you were rolling in it. Their Christmas and Birthday money is for them to treat themselves to something they love, and they seem to love this. It's out of the normal classes, very expensive and intense and a great thing to do during the holidays.
Also it's not like they don't get anything else they want other than absolute neccessities for the rest of the year. Some kids spend it on rubbish, some kids save up for gadgets, your girls save up for extra ballet course. As simple as that.

clappyhands · 23/07/2011 06:43

YANBU but then, i make my DC pay for all "big" things
ie they just paid for a new trampoline for the garden
I could well afford to pay for this, but they do not NEED it, they WANT it and i really want to teach them the value of money
my dc are 5,3 and 1! (the 1 year old didn't want a trampoline lol but she is loving just standing up on it throwing a ball!)
my eldest dc has just started a hobby that costs money each month, but it is my choice that he does it, so i pay

howabout · 23/07/2011 06:49

YANBU
My DDs are slightly younger than yours but gift money is something I use with them to teach them the value of money. Rather than just buy them things I tend to wait to be asked and then we weigh up whether it is something they want enough to contribute to.

I know plenty of DCs with relatives who fund these sort of activity camps rather than giving money directly to the DC. My Gran did this for me and I still appreciate the access to music and the arts this gave me. I also often suggest to my mother and MIL concerts / courses they could contribute to when the question of what does the DD want for a birthday comes up. They are both happy with this. How would your mother feel about it?

olibeansmummy · 23/07/2011 06:55

YANBU for the reasons others have already said Smile

manicinsomniac · 23/07/2011 07:17

fwiw, I think you sound like a great mum and you're obviously doing a lot to enrich your children's life experiences (dance, brownies, trips etc). Much more valuable way to spend yours and their money than on electronic crap etc.

When I was little I always thought that my family were really poor because we didn't have a nice car or go on holidays abroad or have expensive toys. It was only when I was about 15/16 that it really occurred to me how much the hours and hours of extra curricular dance, gymnastics, music lessons, guides, youth theatre, youth orchestrra, youth choir etc sessions that my sister and I were doing must have cost my parents. They never asked for a contribution and I reall wish they had.

smoggii · 23/07/2011 07:27

You are being perfectly reasonable and I plan to do the same with my DD when she is old enough to ask for things outside of Christmas and Birthday.

The most unreasonable thing about what your mother says is 'if you can't afford it they shouldn't go' i'm sure your children would prefer to pay half, so that it can be afforded and then they can go rather than not go because you couldn't afford it and they didn't contribute.

In my experience sometimes people have to say something just to be contrary and make you feel bad sounds to me like this is one of those occasions - she is trying to hit you where it hurts (your kids) because she knows we would all prefer to have enough funds to not to have to ask our children to contribute but life isn't always like that.

You are also teaching your children the value of money which is a very valuable lesson.

I'm sure you pay for plenty.

mathanxiety · 23/07/2011 07:42

YANBU. They will appreciate the experience all the more because they have helped pay for it.

Why is your mother so worked up about this? Is she feeling guilty about something?

I think having your children pay for real things and not just little bits and bobs here and there is the gift that keeps on giving. Everyone benefits. Mind you, my DCs pay for most of their own clothes, and all music, laptops, trips, concerts, movies, meals out with friends, expensive coffee beverages, etc., once they start taking in babysitting money at age 12 or so.

hotbot · 23/07/2011 07:50

a bit of both i think.
I am all for them contributing , but if they were mine i would leave them with a bit of xmas/bday money to spend on other things also.

pigletmania · 23/07/2011 07:54

I would have said that YABU if they were younger, but they are older, at highschool/senior school and they want to do it and are happy with paying for it than thats fine. The op is not making them do the course, they want to do it. I think that its a good life lesson in learning that things cost money and that they have to budget. Its good that they are taught when they are young so they can prepare for adulthood.

pigletmania · 23/07/2011 07:55

Mabey when they are older they can get a Saturday job to help pay for it, instead of using birthday/Christmas money.

bubblesincoffee · 23/07/2011 08:37

I think I would feel mean making them pay with both Christmas and birthday money, but it depends how much they get.

If they choose to do it this ay though, and you ouldn't be able to afford for them to do it otherwise, I don't see the harm.

It's got to be much better for them to have this experience than to just have money to spend on tat for the sake of it.

I don't really see it as that different to buying them things they need to go in their stockings at Christmas. I made the mistake of buying huge ones when they were little, and as I think it's nice for them to use the same one every year, I end up filling up some of it with socks, and pants, pyjamas, new pens or whatever for school etc. They are things they need, that are my duty as a parent to provide, but I make it form part of their present and it's not like they miss out on anything else. I bet lots of people do this. Making your dd's present something they want but that is also going to benefit them educationally works in the same way. Would your Mum mind you doing that?

tulpe · 23/07/2011 08:43

YANBU

The course is not essential to their training - which OP covers the cost of. It is something extra they wish to do.

The money they are given for Christmas and birthdays is to buy themselves a gift. IMO, that is exactly what they are doing. They are using their money to buy themselves a wonderful experience. Far better use of money than more tat that they don't actually need or benefit from.

I admire you, OP.

Eskarina · 23/07/2011 08:46

Not at all unreasonable as long as its what your girls want to do with their money, and it sounds like it is. I had riding lessons for a couple of years paid for by my present money at 14/15/16ish. As my parents were already funding expensive music lessons for 2 instruments which they couldn't really afford they were hardly going to pay out for that as well. It was great, meant I got to do something I wanted to do and didn't have to answer the difficult question of "what do you want for christmas/birthday?" for a while. When I was older and had means of earning via little after school jobs that went on the lessons too.

Also - why is it any of your mum's business what your girls want to spend their money on? Is she offering to make up the difference? No, thought not.

ninedragons · 23/07/2011 08:51

Better than NBU, you are doing your daughters a huge favour.

Far, far too many women know bugger all about money and get into big financial trouble - credit card debts, low-paying jobs

magentadreamer · 23/07/2011 08:56

My DD and I often club together so she can do the more pricer activities. DD has no qualms with coming to me and saying if I put X amount will you put the rest towards. Birthday/Xmas money should be used for things they really want and if it's a two week ballet class whats the difference between them contributing to that and say contributing to a Wii?

Swipe left for the next trending thread