to feel a bit annoyed about this party arrangement?

[Thruaglassdarkly]

Ok, I haven't said anything either way about this one yet, because I can't decide whether my initial reaction is UR or not, so please be kind but honest.
My DD is having a birthday party this weekend. She wanted to invite a few girls from school and that's all, so I have spent hours planning a really good party, of which DD approves wholeheartedly. There are a lot of craft activities, plus an outside trip somewhere in the local woods to collect natural craft materials etc for the tasks. I've also planned a task in the woods. I've a rainy day itinerary planned that includes going to a playplace part way through if the outside activities can't go ahead. In short, it's going to be quite tightly planned and the activities quite structured.
Anyway, my DD only wanted school friends. However, she is good friends with another girl who has recently been adopted by my cousin. She has known this girl all her life as her mother and I were close friends and it was me who introduced her mother to my cousin. My DD and this little girl fall out alot and have a rather possessive friendship, a bit like sisters.
My Dh and I'd initially decided to stick to just school friends for DD to avoid any awkwardness on the day between children not knowing other children etc. I thought I'd take my friend's DD out for the day with us instead so they could have 1:1 time.
Anyway, I was telling my friend/cousin's wife this and she indicated that my DD would be invited to her DD's party in a few weeks, so I felt obliged to invite her DD to my DD's bash. (Keep up! Ha ha). She said they were totally free the day we were planning to have the party.
Fastforward a week and I hand her the invite for that day. Suddenly, she needs to pick up her DD an hour before the party ends because they have an arrangement that was made months ago that it would be "rude" to be late for. Normally, I wouldn't mind, but I've got a really structured event planned and have spent a lot of money and time on activities for the kids. Plus, if it rains I'll have to swap to my rainy day plan and I don't want to have to be worrying about phoning her and letting her know that we've decamped to Macdonalds or that we haven't got back from the woods yet etc etc. I want to focus on the stuff I have planned. I just know my friend'll turn up in the middle of some activity that I'm running and need me to get all her DD's stuff together, find the partybag, her cardy, her shoes etc and meanwhile leave the kids hanging as to what they're doing. I just feel that to leave a party an hour before the end when the host has gone to a lot of trouble with crafts and timings etc is just not on. My friend always puts the entire world and its wife before any arrangements she makes with me anyway and thinks nothing of cancelling us when she's double booked herself. I think this is the rub - that we're always fitting in with her and that we're frequently being let down by her because she's said she'll be elsewhere at a time she said she'd meet us. I know she's scatty, but still - why are we always the last priority for her? AIBU to suggest that she doesn't bring her DD if she's going to leave in the middle of a party? It's cost me over a hundred quid this thing and I'm darned if I'm going to have the flow of it screwed up looking for shoes, cardies and stuff...I think I'm also a bit hurt because of the way my friend treats me though, so I may be BU. What do you think?

I think you are over thinking this tbh

but who ARE these people who think it's ok to tell us off about nicknames???

And she said 'on you go, night night'

After you said BTW - as you are calling yourself "lachesis", you should have a capital letter at the front of your name - Lachesis - it's a proper noun when used that way

why not be honest and just say what you have said here

its a structured day, lots organised and it will be difficult and disruptive if she has to be collected half way through, and that you will organse a special day out with just her and your dd

I think it would BU to now withdraw the invitation. I know you are annoyed because of how your friend treats you generally. But if you univite the girl because she has to leave early, that just looks petty.

I would say to your friend that she needs to ring you when she is on her way to find out where her DD is. I would also say that you will be busy when she turns up so won't have time to gather her DD's belongings together, so she needs to do that.

And then when she turns up, if she asks where things are, just tell her you are busy and she needs to find them. And then get on with what you would do anyway.

wow its a bit OTT so mum has to pcik dd up early why make it a problem my ds's have always had brilliant partys in the local school hall with plenty to do and as they have got older they have gone onto football parties but parties in the woods sorry but this sounds awful how boring and yabu so glad not to be a mum like you sorry but parties are supposd to be fun

go ahead with your activities as you planned.

she can call and pick up the child from wherever you are. That's her business to organise if she insists on leaving early to go elsewhere.

As for the stuff, make sure the child leaves her stuff by the door, shoes, cardy whatever. Either take it with you or don't. Mum can pick it up some other time. If in the house you can say 'it's all by the door help yourself, thanks for coming etc bye' then carry on as you were.

Once you start drawing a line you'll feel more in control of your relationship with her. At the moment she only seems to call the shots because you accommodate her. If she cancels because she has double booked it is ok to let her know that you find it rude and state examples of when it has happened before. Some people really don't think about these things so you need to stop being so passive.

If you uninvite the child, it is the child you are affecting. Think how you would feel if your child was uninvited to a party! You need to deal with your feelings with your friend in a more mature way - perhaps by talking to her about the way she makes you feel.

To be honest I was on the fence about whether YABU or not, until I read your attack on lachesis. To be honest, your posts to her indicate that you may be a little more than 'uptight'.

BTW - I also found it pretty hard to read your OP due to the lack of paragraphs

Haven't read all the posts as it was starting to descend into a slanging match.

OP, your friend/cousin, who is in the habit of messing you around, wants to fetch her daughter half-way through the party and disrupt all the other girls in the activity, which her daughter may well not want to leave, thereby increasing the disruption.

Point this out to her. izzywhizzyletsgetbusy gave a lovely diplomatic way of doing so, which is frankly better than she deserves.

To those saying it is punishing the girl - well, that's not the OP's fault, it's the cousin's. She guilted the OP into the invite, and she's the one who wants to take the girl out of the part half-way through.

Go back to your original plan, schoolfriends only so that all the girls know each other. If your cousin doesn't like it, tough. She needs to stop treating you and your DD as only-if-I-have-no-better-offers 'friends'.

Agree with brass. This child's parent needs to do all he running around. At least if the girl does have a jealous tantrum, she will only be there for some of the party and not the whole thing. She can pick up her crafts and cake another time.

About the paragraphs thing - I honestly don't think it is a 'snob' thing - it is just that a single long paragraph like the OP is difficult to read and get a proper sense of - so inserting paragraph breaks makes it easier for your readers, and allows them to concentrate on what you are saying.

I do not think that Thruaglassdarkly is being unreasonable about this party - tbh it sounds like a wonderful afternoon - she has clearly put a huge amount of effort and thought into the arrangements, and the children will have a wonderful time. Having one child leave early may well disrupt the party and the timings, and I don't think that that is on.

I am also a bit suspicious about the fact that the OP's friend initially said they were free all that day, but now have something that was arranged ages ago and they can't get out of. To me it sounds as if they were initially free all that day, but have been invited to something since then - and they prefer to muck the OP around rather than miss this other thing, or be late for it. It smacks of having received a better offer, to me - if you see what I mean.

OP - I think you were a bit tough on lachesis, especially as her first post doesn't seem at all rude to me - just factual (no breaks between paragraphs meant she was getting muddled and couldn't follow your story).

I think it's really mean that anyone would say they think the party sounds boring! How rude when the op has clearly spent loads of time and money organising it and said that is what her little girl is interested in. I think the party sounds fun and different, the girls will love it and I'm sure it won't matter to them and particularly your dd if one child leaves early as she'll be having such a lovely time. Just try to relax and enjoy it too! If she has to go early, let her mother collect up all her stuff, there's no reason why you should have to leave the girls. Or maybe have a work with your dh and ask him to sort things out if need be so you don't have to worry. Hope you have a lovely time!!

I think you are making a big issue out of nothing" Just ask the mother to ring you when she is leaving to collect her dd. Surely one coat and bag isnt that hard to organise!! Your just being awkward!!

'So justify your lower case then.Looking like an ignorance of proper nouns to me... [hummm] If not, stop patronising and engage with the post or night night to you.'

LOL. Justify using lower case for a nickname handle on the net. PMSL. Okay, so I'll engage with you. You sound precious, very silly, as if you have far too much time on your hands and I hope you somehow get a grip.

Bloody hell! One more thing to worry now: i must never pick the dcs earlier from a party in case i cause stress to the hostess! Yes, omg having to look for the party bag in the middle of the important activities! What are you going to do, sing the national anthem? Parade at Backingham palace?

You get stressed about parties and other people's nicknames, you will make yourself ill op, relax. I hope your dd doesn't sense all this madness.

Oh no!!! Just read back mhy post and Palace has no capital (freudian slip?) !
She will have a fit now.

And you called it Backingham and not Buckingham! Where is your respect for grammar and spelling, Laquitar?!

What is this world coming to, people leaving kids' parties in the middle of them, people being sober enough to get het up about grammar at stupid o'clock in the morning, people misspelling palace names!

Oh and i would call her 'my cousin's dd'
not 'a girl that my cousin has adopted'

And using 'thru' rather than 'through' in an net forum nickname! Where is the justification for this? I don't think MLA would approve, but perhaps netmums would :o.

Ha ha ha, no respect (i mean for spelling, dont imagine anything bad about my ideology )

My friend constantly cancels, is late or leaves me looking after her kids while she quickly does something, don't spend too much time thinking about it! It's just the way she is, its her problem to find out where you are, gather her things, drag her dd away etc. Don't change any of your plans, concentrate on your dd and pals having a lovely time- people like this always have far too many people sorting them out!

I think that you are stressing over nothing, or at least not much. Why can't she just ring to check where you are, turn up, them remove 'girl she has adopted' and you carry on. Don't fit in with her if you don't want to and don't depend on her is she can't be depended on.

Didn't see how old the kids are but if they're old enough to do the craft activities and ice cakes, their old enough to collect their own shoes, cardi, stuff.

Ask the friend to phone you when she's ready, you say where you are, she comes, tell child to get stuff together, give child party bag or if not convenient let her know you'll drop it off or when she can collect.