to feel a bit annoyed about this party arrangement?

[Thruaglassdarkly]

Ok, I haven't said anything either way about this one yet, because I can't decide whether my initial reaction is UR or not, so please be kind but honest.
My DD is having a birthday party this weekend. She wanted to invite a few girls from school and that's all, so I have spent hours planning a really good party, of which DD approves wholeheartedly. There are a lot of craft activities, plus an outside trip somewhere in the local woods to collect natural craft materials etc for the tasks. I've also planned a task in the woods. I've a rainy day itinerary planned that includes going to a playplace part way through if the outside activities can't go ahead. In short, it's going to be quite tightly planned and the activities quite structured.
Anyway, my DD only wanted school friends. However, she is good friends with another girl who has recently been adopted by my cousin. She has known this girl all her life as her mother and I were close friends and it was me who introduced her mother to my cousin. My DD and this little girl fall out alot and have a rather possessive friendship, a bit like sisters.
My Dh and I'd initially decided to stick to just school friends for DD to avoid any awkwardness on the day between children not knowing other children etc. I thought I'd take my friend's DD out for the day with us instead so they could have 1:1 time.
Anyway, I was telling my friend/cousin's wife this and she indicated that my DD would be invited to her DD's party in a few weeks, so I felt obliged to invite her DD to my DD's bash. (Keep up! Ha ha). She said they were totally free the day we were planning to have the party.
Fastforward a week and I hand her the invite for that day. Suddenly, she needs to pick up her DD an hour before the party ends because they have an arrangement that was made months ago that it would be "rude" to be late for. Normally, I wouldn't mind, but I've got a really structured event planned and have spent a lot of money and time on activities for the kids. Plus, if it rains I'll have to swap to my rainy day plan and I don't want to have to be worrying about phoning her and letting her know that we've decamped to Macdonalds or that we haven't got back from the woods yet etc etc. I want to focus on the stuff I have planned. I just know my friend'll turn up in the middle of some activity that I'm running and need me to get all her DD's stuff together, find the partybag, her cardy, her shoes etc and meanwhile leave the kids hanging as to what they're doing. I just feel that to leave a party an hour before the end when the host has gone to a lot of trouble with crafts and timings etc is just not on. My friend always puts the entire world and its wife before any arrangements she makes with me anyway and thinks nothing of cancelling us when she's double booked herself. I think this is the rub - that we're always fitting in with her and that we're frequently being let down by her because she's said she'll be elsewhere at a time she said she'd meet us. I know she's scatty, but still - why are we always the last priority for her? AIBU to suggest that she doesn't bring her DD if she's going to leave in the middle of a party? It's cost me over a hundred quid this thing and I'm darned if I'm going to have the flow of it screwed up looking for shoes, cardies and stuff...I think I'm also a bit hurt because of the way my friend treats me though, so I may be BU. What do you think?

Thanks Kiwi. Will do.

YANBU
I have a friend like this who is just a bit of a social butterfly whereas I am a bit of an antisocial control freak. I try not to take it personally when she mucks me around as she is like this with everyone but I also try not to make anything other than spur of the moment arrangements with her. I would go with Izzy's approach.

Btw I am now enlightened re the double spacing issue, so if nothing else you have saved me from a similar telling off at some stage. Thank you.

howabout - ha ha ha - but who ARE these people who think it's ok to tell us off about spacing??? It's not right to warp a thread which is about a legitimate issue (albeit trivial to some) into issues of formatting. It's a snob thing. On every other forum on t'internet, people single space without others screeching that they can't possibly understand/be bothered to respond because it isn't formatted correctly. If I read something that's really difficult to read, I try hard to understand and then respond to the post. I don't piously remark on the poster's spacing/syntax/punctuation/spelling and try to humilate them (and sorry lachesis, but you did do this to me). How rude! It's about time we at MN stood up to people who ridicule, mock and scorn others for how they express themselves. Mumsnet is for mums - ALL mums, not just those with the most privilged educations, or those who know the difference between a gerund and an infinitive! Let's hear it for the democratisation of MN!!!

You sound a bit anal im afraid, obsessing about a tight schedule and going to macdonalds with a 'wet' fairy cake- heavens above whatever next!

Agree with Morloth. This really is a drama about nothing.
It will take all of 2 mins to assemble her cardy and shoese etc for early departure. If you've not had the cake yet she will obviously not be able to take her piece home.
If you're out and about due to rain or whatever the mother will have to call you and make arrangements. Seriously, you sound obsessed about the schedule. Remember to make time to have fun!

Sorry op but I couldn't read your post either. It's not unusual to have people point this out on mumsnet so it can be redone to attract a wider audience. It's not meant in a nasty way, honestly.

I don't understand the trouble - your cousin calls you and you tell her where you are when she wants to collect her. Tis a bit rude of her though to tell you she was free then suddenly has a prior engagement that would be rude to miss.

BTW your party sounds fun.

YANBU to be annoyed.

YABU to keep going on at lachesis. It really isn't unusual for people to point out when paragraphs aren't working, and she wasn't doing it to be nasty. In words of Eastenders 'Leave it, it's not worf it!'

About the OP issues, you are feeling over-anxious and not effectively assertive. Decide what you want and do it, your cousin will barely blink unless she is over-involved in her child's precieved 'rights'. Tell the girls who's boss. Good luck with the weather.

About paragraphing, your words are too dense therefore your readibility is low. Which is not helpful to your cause. I'm sure all other internet forums don't bother, but MN does. It's a kindess to each other that doesn't need rallying against. Try and get over being told this gracefully yourself, even if you were told in erm, 'classic', MN fashion.

This is more readable:

"....se people who think it's ok to tell us off about spacing??? It's not right to warp a thread which is about a legitimate issue (albeit trivial to some) into issues of formatting.

It's a snob thing. On every other forum on t'internet, people single space without others screeching that they can't possibly understand/be bothered to respond because it isn't formatted correctly. If I read something that's really difficult to read, I try hard to understand and then respond to the post. I don't piously remark on the poster's spacing/syntax/punctuation/spelling and try to humilate them (and sorry lachesis, but you did do this to me). How rude!

It's about time we at MN stood up to people who ridicule, mock and scorn others for how they express themselves. Mumsnet is for mums - ALL mums, not just those with the most privilged educations, or those who know the difference between a gerund and an infinitive! Let's hear it for the democratisation of MN!!!"

I'd second izzywhizzy - lots and lots of flattery and sugary smiles. YNBU - to be stressed as party planning is a stress, nor to be upset that she didn't mention the prior arrangement at the time.

If she does insist on coming though, be clear that because it's tightly structured, you won't have time to be searching for shoes, cardy etc, so she (cousin) will have to be responsible for that. Pop a party bag somewhere highish nearish the door before the party starts and she can grab it on her way out. Tell her that if you're out, you'll bring the bag over at another time.

Perhaps mention that last time it was a bit rowdy - and the nail polish incident - and that's the reason you don't want to take your attention from the party.

OP - tell your cousin that she should call you when she's on her way to find out where you are, don't change your plans at all. If she's leaving before the end (and is someone you see regularly) tell her you'll pop the party bag over a few days later. (Unless it's right there easy to get to).

Expect her to sort her own DD out for coats, shoes etc. Or, even better, suggest as the party is going to be moving locations and you'll be too busy to sort out her DD, she might want to stay at the party and help out until they need to leave.

YABU - Maybe some people are great at keeping their mental calendar up to date but I am hopeless. I could easily make the mistake of thinking I was free only to discover that I wasn't.

If the friend was asking you to drop her child off somewhere or requiring you to be somewhere specific to suit her circumstances then I would say she was being rude, but picking her up an hour early doesn't seem like such a big deal so long as she comes to wherever you are. She probably thinks she's making the reasonable compromise.

It's craft activities, not someone leaving half way though the main course of your dinner party.

I think OP that you just shouldn't bother with a party at all, as it is obviously causing you a ridiculous amount over stress over nothing.

I hope you never have any real problems.

I think it´s fine to leave a party early.

Rather that than the little girl not go at all?

It´s not her fault that there´s another arrangement.

But depending on the age, it might not "flow" as you want, so one child leaving probably won´t be a great disruption-unless you let it

YABU. If people (including your DDs friends) walk all over you, grow a backbone. However, you sound a bit petty tbh...sometimes plans have to be changed, sometimes people double book themselves, particularly if they have a lot on their plates going through the adoption process.

You also cant seem to make up your mind about how long the party's lasting (is it 2 hours or all day?). I think you know YABU. You need things planned to the last details, your friend doesnt. If you cant cope with the difference in personality, then cool off the friendship, but try not to let the children involved suffer.

YANBU. Unfortunately you departed from your original plan and invited her so you will just have to go along with it.
Get the party bag on one side. When she comes early just tell her-'sorry-up to my eyes in it-find your stuff-party bag on side-will catch up next week' and leave her to sort it.

I'm afraid it does sound like a lot of fuss about nothing, I am a control freak but I do at least have some insight as to when I am being unreasonable becuase of that trait. I really think you need to take a step back and look at the bigger picture.

It will be nice for the other little girl to be there to share your dd's birthday and you can appear gracious by agreeing to work around your friend. In reality all you willl have to do is take a call to tell your firned where you are - if there are other things left at your house then your firend will have to come and pick them up another time.

You see, you appear gracious whilst putting her out slightly and letting her know that it is not all one sided.

Blimey.

Well I think you are over reacting abit but I understand why given the history. Just start to not be hanging around waiting for them in future.

Btw I think it is extremly rude to dismiss an op due to lack of paragraphs.

Gee OP you sound very controlling and bloody hard work.

Clearly having full control of the entire day is very important to you, and you feel it is important for the party for guests to be there all day. Do tell your friend it's all or nothing. I don't know if this is U or not, but I fear the repurcussions if this day doesn't go as planned . You do know with a bunch of young girls things might not go exactly as planned right?

Double spacing????? Whatever. It's proper paragraphs that are needed to read a long post. And you were very uptight about that to the poster who mentioned it BTW and have continued to focus on that throughout!!!! Hard work all round. Whew!

I hope the party goes well and no one messes with your plan!

yanbu

Ok, so you've got a plan for if the weather is good.

You have a contingency plan if the weather is bad.

What is your contingency plan if:

A child doesnt turn up
A child turns up late
A child turns up but doesnt have appropriate footwear for tramping through the woods
A child doesnt want to tramp through the woods
A child doesnt like the food
A child feels sick and wants her mum
The parents object to MacDonalds

I presume you have a spreadsheet outlining all the possible scenarios and the contingency plan in place to deal with it.

The level of organisation and control over the party is way beyond appropriate, normal, expected and I can only see it makes for a completely stressful time. If you cannot deal with one child leaving early, how on earth can you deal with any unforeseen circumstance.

I am assuming your dd is an only child.

chill OUT!!!! at the end of the day

its a little girls party
this little girl would be very hurt if not invited
so what if she leaves early, whatever, dont plan around this do what you want to do

I know how easy it is to sweat the small stuff but you need some perspective here!

Thanks for your replies. I think my main issue isn't controlling everything with military precision. It's how unimportant my friend makes me feel at times as she double books herself alot and we're always the one to get dropped . This is a long standing issue I guess. I can't say much more about it because I don't want to compromise my anonymity, but there's more to it historically.

And paula - you should never assume that people who are being petty don't have/haven't had problems. Sometime pettiness is a way of deflecting other
stuff.

Will take what you lot said on board and just go with it on the day. Most of you were really polite, even if you didn't agree with me, so thanks again for that.

I have found the little things are a much bigger issues when you do have 'real' problems.

YANBU - I think she should stay to the whole thing or not come at all. It's rude of your friend to assume you have the time and attention to make special arrangements. I'd be fuming too. Do what's best for the party and you and your daughter. It's not your responsibility if her daughter is upset as she shouldn't have double booked her.

Hope it goes well.