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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to hate people using family/school/university connections to get things others can't

163 replies

moikla · 20/07/2011 17:20

My sister has got my brother an internship with her for the next few weeks as he's on holiday from university. I know its my brother but I hate this sort of thing and this type of priveledge. DH says its the way of the world and that you need to take advantage of whatever connections you've got.

OP posts:
Morloth · 21/07/2011 01:08

Welcome to reality.

I would always give people I care about a leg up if I can.

Don't give a fuck if it is fair or not, it is the way it works, the way it has always worked and the way it will always work.

Deal with the world how it is rather than how you think it should be.

I get 'mates rates' from friends and family all the time as well, I also do free work for friends and family if they need it and I can help. That would be because they are my friends and family.

NorksAkimbo · 21/07/2011 07:17

I WAS passed up for a job over someone who had a connection; and you know what? That person is still there, 15 years later, while I went on to be great in my career for 10 years, live in China for 2 years, move to England, have a family, get a Master's degree and find a job that I'm enjoying. I am GLAD that I didn't 'know somebody'!!

It happens. Get over it...I hope that my children will always be able to get jobs on their own merit, but if they have a connection, then I would expect them to take advantage of an opportunity.

BigHairyGruffalo · 21/07/2011 07:47

I really don?t think it is fair when somebody good gets passed over for a job because they lack connections. But this is completely different from getting work experience. The internship will probably teach your brother a few skills, teach him about the industry and help him decide what he wants to do in the future. If this is an informal internship then he is not taking it away from anyone else. How can that be a bad thing? Universities often push students to get unpaid experience, this is not a way of securing employment, but it can be useful to the student.

I am abandoning the music industry, one reason being that I can?t stand how much everything is based on connections. However, I wouldn?t include work experience in this. It is not easy for young people to get summer jobs now like they used to and work experience shows a drive to do something with their time other than sitting at home watching TV. I don?t think unpaid, informal internships should be criticised.

Bluegrass · 21/07/2011 07:48

Surely nepotism is just another version of "jobs for the boys"? I can't imagine too many people on here would say that white men should be free to favour other white men for jobs because "that is just the way the world works and everyone should just do what they can to use the system"!

The usual position is that when the world operates unfairly we try to change it, we dont just shrug and say this is how it will always be so why bother. The countries that don't try to change are the ones currently mired in corruption, which is just further down the scale.

exoticfruits · 21/07/2011 07:55

It is just the way things work-and always will. If you have connections you use them.

exoticfruits · 21/07/2011 07:55

This is why people 'network', things won't just come to you.

StuckInTheMiddleWithYou · 21/07/2011 07:59

I'm currently reading a book which suggests that one of the reasons that Germany and Japan galloped ahead of us in industry, is because they are more meritocratic than us. Here, it's all jobs for the boyy and old boys networks.

Sod the talented, ay? Just let the counry petrify....

BigHairyGruffalo · 21/07/2011 08:12

Germany have a Grammar school equivalent don?t they? I think that streaming in education would make things far fairer than they are now.

Bubbaluv · 21/07/2011 08:19

I haven't read all the responses as I have a 2yo climbing on my head, but if it's only for a couple of weeks then surely it's not an internship? Sounds more like an unofficial work-expereince to me.

My DH used to be involved in recruitment of interns for a major bank in London and each applicant went through a dozen odd interview, so even at a small legal firm I doubt internships are so casually handed out.

If it is really an internship then YANBU. If it's just a few weeks of work experience then YABU.

BigHairyGruffalo · 21/07/2011 08:20

Thanks, Bubbaluv. You have articulated exactly what I was trying so say Smile

goodnightmoon · 21/07/2011 08:25

YABU, everyone has to work with what they've got, whether that's connections, brains, good looks, etc. It's silly not to make the most of what you are able to.

i like it as little as the next person when this works to my disadvantage and i see someone get a leg up into something i wanted to get on my own merit, and i do think it's important to speak out against blatant nepotism, discrimination, etc., but within the realms of the law you've got to accept general human nature to help those we know.

Bubbaluv · 21/07/2011 08:28

Sorry - no idea where I got the idea she was a lawyer.

CaveMum · 21/07/2011 08:32

I got my current job through a contact.
A guy I knew told me a job he thought I'd be good at was available at his girlfriends work place. He put us in touch, I was interviewed and got the job.

I don't know if they interviewed anyone else as the job was never advertised, it was the first job opening in the company for 10 years and they preferred to recruit by word of mouth (disclaimer, it's a very small company, only 4 of us are employed).

My point is that everyone makes use of contacts - my brother inherited my paper-round! - in one way or another.

MrsKravitz · 21/07/2011 08:32

My father refers patients to me. Thats because I am very good at what I do :)

marriedinwhite · 21/07/2011 08:33

there was an article in the paper yesterday saying that people who work for family firms are the happiest in their work - food for thought.

lionheart · 21/07/2011 08:39

How is the OP jealous? Hmm

She is just questioning these connections and advantages, you know, starting a debate.

I would have thought she could do so without people insulting her.

wordfactory · 21/07/2011 09:10

I was thinking about this last night and wondered what people thought of this scenario.

My DC attend a running club and one of the older atheletes (very talented) has been looking for sponsorship. He asked my DH if his firm could help. DH's firm does have a fund for such things.

Should this boy have used his contact? Should my DH request that this boy get somehting from the pot that is set aside for these things?

rainbowtoenails · 21/07/2011 09:22

Yanbu, this kind of thing should be illegal.

LadyGrace · 21/07/2011 09:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whoneedssleepanyway · 21/07/2011 10:02

Ummm what do you think Networking is OP......

at the end of the day if you are chosing between two people in any context and one is know to you via some connection or other and the other isn't 9 times out of 10 it is always going to be the one who has the connection that gets chosen for whatever it happens to be (provided they have also proved their experience or suitability to some degree).....

Catslikehats · 21/07/2011 10:49

Where on earth would you draw the line? I got my first job because I had previously done work experience with a woman who had then moved jobs and was aware her colleague was looking for someone short term, which fitted with my studies.

Because of that job I was then able to get an interview elsewhere and started my career. Years later I bumped into someone else from the first job who was again working elsewhere and they needed someone and that fitted with what I wanted to do.

My entire career has been built on being in the right place at the right time and impressing people sufficiently that i) they know I am capable of doing the job and ii) that I am great to work with Grin

I am now in a position where I need to put together a team for a new job and will be approaching people who I have worked with in the past who are i) capable and ii) nice.

I see nothing wrong with that.

lionheart · 21/07/2011 11:14

But that is different, Queen, you proved yourself capable and as someone with potential. You weren't fast-tracked because of a friend, relative.

Lady, your DH's friend could have got into a heap of trouble for doing that.

LeQueen · 21/07/2011 11:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AKMD · 21/07/2011 11:31

YABU. I used to get my brother a job every summer he was home from uni. Plenty of people get very far in life with a rubbish start and no connections. We are very lucky to live in a country that does quite a lot to equal things out (definitely not perfectly, but at least unequality isn't seen as completely acceptable) - not everyone in the world has access to a free, comprehensive education up until the age of 18, free healthcare, start-up loans, benefits, apprencticeships, intern schemes, work experience placements... I really dislike it when people use the excuse of a poor start to make nothing of their lives.

exoticfruits · 21/07/2011 11:39

When DS left university and failed to get a job, we had no contacts in his field, we forced him out to take a job, any job. If you are out in the workforce you meet people and one thing leads to another. He took a job that he didn't really want and after a year he found another from contacts. He is now about to start a lovely job where he was asked to apply. Had he sat at home, bemoaning the fact that other people had it easy and they had relatives and friends with the right contacts, he would still be unemployed.
My other DS didn't go to university-I really wished we had contacts to ease his way-he had to apply cold- but why should he resent people who did have them? He has now networked and would be in a good position to change jobs, if he wanted to.
When I was teaching I got nice little part time jobs because I was known from supply work. They were not advertised.
Life is never fair. DS is having trouble finding a summer job-I dare say he would do much better finding bar work if he was a very good looking DD-but he isn't! (it would also help if I have friends who owned a pub-but I don't-if I had I would try to use them)

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