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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to tell DD that this is not on and she can't do it?

105 replies

Ormirian · 18/07/2011 17:21

To turn down an invitation to a birthday party on saturday with some lame excuse, because she doesn't fancy it. And then invite another girl in the class to her house for a sleepover the same night.

She thinks we are being utterly unreasonable. I think she is being rude and a bit unkind. In fact I am a bit disappointed in her.

OP posts:

cardibach · 18/07/2011 18:25

campergirls I don't think this is a case of deliberately hurting the other girl's feelings. Nobody has said she should invite someone from the same small group, either, everyone has said it would be OK if the other girl wasn't invited to the party. It seems that the friendship is waning, and these things can't be forced. A polite refusal (without lying) is not deliberately hurting the feelings of someone who has been a friend for a long time.

pointydog · 18/07/2011 18:27

Is every grown up thoughtless in your world, dogs?

Happygomummy · 18/07/2011 18:32

YANBU

Diplomacy is an important skill which is sadly lacking in many of us today (I of course include myself in that generalising criticism)

We all have to do things we don't want to in life - 12 is a good age to experience this. It would be a really shitty thing to pull out of a party with only 2-3 guests - have you asked her how she would feel if that happened to her?

Hold firm and good luck!

DogsBestFriend · 18/07/2011 18:35

Dunno, Pointydogs. I might ask them all one day, when I've nothing else to do. :o

I do know that those I mix with are capable of having an invitation turned down, for whatever the reason, without going into meltdown because of some perceived snub though.

cardibach · 18/07/2011 18:35

From the OP, though, it doesn't look like she is 'pulling out', which I agree would not be kind, but refusing the invitation in the first place. This is rather different and not undiplomatic as long as the refusal is polite.

mumnotmachine · 18/07/2011 18:39

I have a 12yo DD and while she likes sleepovers, she doesnt actually like sleeping over other peoples houses- she likes people staying here though?

Could it be OPs DD is of the same mind?

CeliaFate · 18/07/2011 18:40

Yanbu. I wouldn't make dd go to the party, but she wouldn't be allowed to invite one of the other guests over either. I think it sounds as if there's a "who's the most popular" competition going on here. I'd say she either accepts the invitation, or stays at home with no friend.

zukiecat · 18/07/2011 18:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mumnotmachine · 18/07/2011 18:45

My DD would go to a close friends sleepover though- sounds like the OPs DD isnt that close to the invitee?

And I wouldnt have a problem with my DD having a friend over the same evening either (as long as they sleep before 3am)

CeliaFate · 18/07/2011 18:46

But it's a friend who's also been invited to the party. That's a bit mean IMHO.

cardibach · 18/07/2011 18:47

CeliaFate there is no indication the invited girl as one of the party guests! This would be wrong, but if she isn't, I agree with zukiecat and her daughters.

mumnotmachine · 18/07/2011 18:50

Is the friend the DD wants over also invited to sleepover?
That would be different circumstances, and would be mean- I dont think I read the friend was invited though- just that they were all in the same year group?

Pagwatch · 18/07/2011 18:52

I think it is rude and potentially very hurtful.

I am sure she would be very hurt if one of only a small group of girls invited to her birthday made an excuse at the last minute and she later found out, hosted a sleepover.

I would be doing exactly the same as you orm and saying if she doesn't go to the party she simply stays at home.

It wouldn't be the rudeness that annoyed me so much as the disinterest in the idea that the party girl would be very hurt and is likely to find out.

It is understandable that she wants too - 12 year old girls want what they want - but I wouldn't allow it.

CeliaFate · 18/07/2011 18:53

Sorry, you're right. I read it wrongly. I would still feel strange about it - I think if someone's kind enough to invite you to something and there's no real reason why you can't go then you should. Having said that, most people do as they please ime.

maypole1 · 18/07/2011 18:57

if she had already said she would go then i would make her and no sleep over is very rude, i am sure she would be up set if someone did it to her also the mother would of factored her in with regards to the cost i would inform dd if she dose not want to go then she is to tell the girl the truth and will be paying the mum back for the money she had already paid out for her part of the party

cardibach · 18/07/2011 18:59

I agree there needs to be thought about the possible consequences in terms of the other girl's feelings, that is just basic politeness. However she hasn't, as far as I can see, 'made an excuse at the last minute' Pagwatch, she has refused the intial invitation. This seems to have come quite late/close to the party but that is common with teenagers in my experience.

mumnotmachine · 18/07/2011 19:00

Its only Monday as well, I wouldnt term that last minute?

WhoAteMySnickers · 18/07/2011 19:02

Ok for her to politely decline the invitation without lying about why.

Not ok to then host her own sleepover. It will get back to the birthday girl who may be hurt and upset and it's a shame your DD can't see that.

BadBagel · 18/07/2011 19:06

I would say to DD: okay you don't have to go to the party and you can have a sleep over on the condition that you tell the birthday girl the truth. If she can't do that then NO sleep over.
I wouldn't force her to go to the party though.

CupcakesandTwunting · 18/07/2011 19:06

I think it's nice that you're thinking of the party girl's feelings, Orm. If there were more caring parents like you, there might not be so many of those heartbreaking "no-one turned up to my child's party" threads.

If she doesn't want to go you shouldn't can't force her but you can stop her from inviting the other girl. Explain why. She'll probably decide that she'd rather go to the party after all than stay in moping alone.

Pagwatch · 18/07/2011 19:11

Ok.
My pre teens still tended to get more than a weeks notice for parties -especially ones for just a few people but if the girl only invited today then she risks a few friends having made other arrangements.

But it is still rude to make up excuse and then have other friends over.

Ds1 still gets invitations a few weeks in advance. Maybe he has friends who are more polite organised.

mumnotmachine · 18/07/2011 19:18

I love the way we all have differing views on here, makes interesting reading.

If my DD decided "last minute" (by this I mean the afternoon of the party) that she couldnt be bothered going there would be no sleepover for another friend. That is pure rudeness. I would however, not force her to go somewhere she really didnt want to.

The DD though has not accepted the invite to begin with?
She has given (albeit lame!) an excuse, in plenty of time for another person to be invited if need be.

Just because she doesnt fancy going to this girls sleepover IMO doesnt mean that she shouldn't have a friend over on Saturday night

She hasnt changed arrangements- shes declined the invite, shes not made arrangements behind anyones back!

I really don't see the problem

Pagwatch · 18/07/2011 19:25

Yes.completely different views. Very interesting.

If you invite me over for a drink and I say ' gosh, no sorry I can't. I have to go to something at dds school that night' and then, a week later you find I had subsequently invited Orm over for a drink at mine, would you think that was really nice of me and I was just peachy?

Or would you think I was a bit of a toad?

Or, if perhaps you liked me and thought we were friends, would you think ' what a cow. Could she not at least have made her drinks a different night so that when I was wandering around saying 'pag can't come, she has to go to Paggirls school' everyone else wasn't going behind my back'

CupcakesandTwunting · 18/07/2011 19:27

Bit of a toad.

mumnotmachine · 18/07/2011 19:30

I wouldnt hold it against you Pag!

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