Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

to tell DD that this is not on and she can't do it?

105 replies

Ormirian · 18/07/2011 17:21

To turn down an invitation to a birthday party on saturday with some lame excuse, because she doesn't fancy it. And then invite another girl in the class to her house for a sleepover the same night.

She thinks we are being utterly unreasonable. I think she is being rude and a bit unkind. In fact I am a bit disappointed in her.

OP posts:

thisisyesterday · 18/07/2011 17:36

oh and only if the other girl she wants to invite is not invited to the other party

Original poster

Ormirian · 18/07/2011 17:37

"the only bit of it i think is wrong, is lying to the party girl" yes, exactly but when the truth is 'sorry I can't be arsed to go to your party but I am going to invite L to sleepover so I can have a better time' I'm not sure that would be much better.

All we are asking her to do is leave it until next weekend, or even one weekday evening as the hols will have started.

OP posts:

MsPlaced · 18/07/2011 17:40

IMO the problem is she made an excuse and lied to get out of the party.

thisisyesterday · 18/07/2011 17:40

we'll have to agree to disagree i think!

i don't see why not wanting to go to a party should mean she can't have a friend round personally. it's hardly hosting her own party instead

joric · 18/07/2011 17:41

YANBU- she should think about how she would feel if she were the girl having the party. She doesn't have to go but have the sleepover on another night. You are kind to think about the party girl's feelings/ DD is being a bit mean I M O ... I would feel v sorry for my DD if someone did this to her.. Refuse invitations with good grace and manners.

FabbyChic · 18/07/2011 17:42

Sorry don't see what the problem is at all, if she was declining because she was sick that is one thing, but declining becuase she gets home too late is good enough, and she should still be able to have a social evening with someone else.

You are over thinking. She is 12 she is entitled to have a life you know.

joric · 18/07/2011 17:43

Just read that only 2/3 girls are invited- I'm feeling really sorry for the party girl :(

Original poster

Ormirian · 18/07/2011 17:44

So am I joric. She was one of DD's best mates in primary but I think DD's outgrown her - which is fine but I think inviting someone else is rubbing her nose in it.

OP posts:

diddl · 18/07/2011 17:46

Has she already said that she would go?

Has she held off replying to see if anything "better" came along?

If she doesn´t want to go, why should she?

Just say no!

And why does her declining a bday party mean that she can´t have a friend over?

motherinferior · 18/07/2011 17:46

Actually, it is pulling out of one event to host her own....

I know it's difficult. But actually, this is one of those things that you have to learn to handle as you grow up - and that doing an alternative sleepover isn't on.

Dorje · 18/07/2011 17:48

Guide her through the excuse and the sleepover. your DD needs to learn how not to alienate others whilst doing what she wants.

Life isn't black and white: I see no problem with her having a sleepover IF she's prepared to make it up to partygirl.

Maybe your DD knows something about the party, and your all or nothing stance makes it difficult for her to talk about her personal reasons not to go, and why she wants to see this other girl instead?

JamieAgain · 18/07/2011 17:49

I am very torn about this. I don't like parties myself, and I can imagine myself in just the same position as your DD.

But this issue has come up before on MN and I've been told I am rude, so I don't know what to think.

On balance, I think you are right Orm and she should not invite the other girl on the same night.

joric · 18/07/2011 17:49

Has the girl DD wants over for sleepover been invited ( and declined) to the party? I just think that teenage girls can be a bit mean - the only thing you can do is say that if she doesn't want to go it's fine but she should be kind to the girl who has invited her and not rub her nose in it by having her own thing instead :( what goes around comes around and all that. You are being a kind mum if you point that out I think :)

motherinferior · 18/07/2011 17:52

It's quite simple, I think, and you're right:

OK, DD, you can get out of the sleepover gracefully - although do think about this as X used to be a very good friend and has only invited a couple of people

No, DD, you can't then have your own sleepover. Have one a couple of nights later.

JamieAgain · 18/07/2011 17:54

Have realised the other party is a small sleepover. So then no - that's really rude. She can't do it.

pointydog · 18/07/2011 17:58

Hmm. If your dd would really not enjoy the party because she is no longer friends with the others going, then yes it might be best to come up with an excuse not to go. The chances are that its the last throes of friendship and everything will have fizzled out by the autumn.

No, she shouldn't have her own sleepover on the same night.

Littlepurpleprincess · 18/07/2011 18:01

I actually think that it is good if your daughter knows she can say no if she doesn't want to go. It's her free time and she should spend it as she likes. No-one should be pushed into a social occasion if they don't feel comfortable.

But this could also be a good opportunity to teach her about being tactful. It would be kind of her to take the other girl's feelings into account, and have her sleepover another day.

mummytime · 18/07/2011 18:06

I would have told my daughter just say "Sorry I can't make it t your party, I hope you have a great time."
Then invite the other girl for a sleepover (as long as the other girl hadn't made a prior commitment to the party).
I often turn down invitations I don't want to do, and as long as it is done graciously there is nothing wrong with it.

campergirls · 18/07/2011 18:07

I am genuinely shocked that so many people on this thread think it's fine for a 12 year old girl to deliberately hurt the feelings of someone who has been a close friend for a long time.

I do understand that friendships change at that age and that the op's dd might want to shift the dynamics. But refusing an invite to a very small birthday sleepover with an obviously lame excuse is not a kind or considerate way to do it. And inviting someone else from the same small group for a sleepover the same night would be frankly cruel.

I find it really surprising - and saddening - that so many people think this behaviour would be acceptable. There is more than tact at stake here - there is empathy, and recognising that other people have needs too. The 'she's entitled to do what she wants in her social life' line is not one I find appealing.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 18/07/2011 18:11

As it's such a small party, it sounds as if she's regarded as a 'close friend' and her absence will be remarked on.

If she's adamant about not attending she'll have to come up with a diplomatic excuse and will need to keep a low profile which, of course, means no association with other mutual friends on the night in question.

Do you intend to try and get beyond the lame excuse, Orm? Bolleaux it may be but I suspect that there's more to it than she's letting on.

diddl · 18/07/2011 18:13

I think that if she doesn´t want to go to the party then she shouldn´t have to.

OP-if you don´t want her to have a sleepover, then tell her no.

MrsCampbellBlack · 18/07/2011 18:15

YANBU - of course she doesn't have to go but to invite the other girl would be mean.

I'd ask DD how she'd feel if the situation was reversed and someone she considered a good friend did this to her . . .

pointydog · 18/07/2011 18:19

Parties are big deals to the birthday girl/boy. I'd always expect a reason for not wanting to go and I'd want to know what it was.

DogsBestFriend · 18/07/2011 18:20

Poor kid, social obligations at the age of 12. :o

YABU - there are times when we pretty much must do things we don't want to, this isn't one of them. Had she promised to feed and muck out the pony of a a pal who was on holiday and wanted to forgoe it for a party you would have a damn good reason for pulling her up. As it is, she's a 12 yo kid who has changed her mind about what she wants to do on Saturday night... no big deal, and pity the party host who makes it into one feels that it is, the real, grown up world is going to give them one almighty bloody great shock!

diddl · 18/07/2011 18:24

If she has already said that she would go, then I think that she should honour that .

Flip

1 2 3 4 5