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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want him to suffer badly

32 replies

seasidesister · 17/07/2011 23:24

Dh looking after our dc all day as I had a course to attend. Got home late afternoon. Ds1 is 3yo and told me dh pushed him twice.

Dh said he is sorry and feels terrible. I am furious and have threatened to call police. What should I do? Am I overreacting? Feel like pushing him out the window.

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 17/07/2011 23:26

well.... do you know what happened properly? has DH explained?

MumblingRagDoll · 17/07/2011 23:28

Pushed him? How? I have pushed my DC on occasion...in order to "hlep them along" when they're unwilling to go to the loo or something that have to do...

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 17/07/2011 23:28

How old are your dc?

What did ds1 tell you when you got home and does he have any marks/bruises?

What explanation did your dh give for his behaviour?

MrBloomsNursery · 17/07/2011 23:31

Is your 3 yo hurt? Bruised? Cut? Shaken? Upset? Quiet? I think you may be blowing this out of proportion. I have to pull back, push away my 3 yo about 5 times a day when she gets over excited...Is your 3 y o really that shaken and scared? I really would doubt it.

JamieAgain · 17/07/2011 23:32

Sounds like this has happened before - has it?

MumblingRagDoll · 17/07/2011 23:37

Jamie Where did you get that idea from the OP? There's not enough information to assume such a thing.

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 17/07/2011 23:40

Pushed him twice ?

Meh, unless the boy is hurt in amyway you're over reacting, that could mean anything. You need to give more info.

FuzzpigFourFiveSix · 17/07/2011 23:40

Sometimes if I do the 'hurrying along' thing as mentioned above, DD says I'm pushing her. Similarly if I have to grab her to keep her safe (hot oven or whatever) she says I've hurt her. So I would be very careful you don't blow this out of all proportion when it's a misunderstanding.

Mind you I don't think you can have that much trust in your DH if you are assuming the worst already. Is something else going on, are there bigger issues?

Original poster
seasidesister · 17/07/2011 23:40

Dc1 is 3 dc2 is 1. He was pushed cos he wouldn't leave his brother alone and woke him up. Second time because he was annoying his brother. No marks but hard enough for him to fall over.

Dh did explain and he feels rotten about it. He basically goes head to head with ds1 when he won't do as he is asked. I've seen it before but he has sworn or shouted.

Dh said he lost his temper. Ds1 can be infuriating but dh is a grown man he needs to stay in control.

So angry with him I feel like leaving him. Told him that in a day or so we will sit down and make an agreed plan of how we deal with poor behaviour. Ds1 is a lovely child and right now I hate dh

OP posts:
Original poster
seasidesister · 17/07/2011 23:55

MrBloom maybe I am. Ds1 was fine at bedtime. Am angry with dh and can see I may be overeacting

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 17/07/2011 23:57

i think you are both in the wrong tbh.

I dont agree that your DHs way of dealing with your DS is right, at all. BUt threatening to call the police and leave the marriage isnt the best way to deal with DH.

Some sort of parenting course would probably be good for both of you, for him to learn how to cope with a young child and his temper and you to learn how to deal with it when things get out of hand rather than over react. It would help you both learn how to communicare more effectively both with each other and with your children.

HampstersDontSwim · 17/07/2011 23:57

Do you feel that your DH is unable to look after your DC or is this a bolt out of the blue?

Bogeyface · 17/07/2011 23:58

Also, by casting your DS as a "lovely boy" and your DH as the evil wrongdoer, your DS will soon learn how to use that and play you off against each other.

Bogeyface · 18/07/2011 00:02

Just re-read your thread title.

Exactly how and why do you want him to suffer badly?

Either you have a very bad relationship already, to feel that strongly against him, or you refuse to see any wrong in your children and anyone who reprimands them is a bastard and a villain. Either way, it seems that you need outside help because neither is going to make for a happy family.

Poweredbypepsi · 18/07/2011 00:02

It depends on the push, if he pushed him hard enough that he went flying over then I would be very annoyed but if he nudged him and he stumbled over it's not the same at all. Unless there is a huge back story I would say you are over reacting a bit.

SpecialFriedRice · 18/07/2011 00:04

YABU

Did he mean to push him so hard he fell over? Or did he mean just to separate the DC and was a bit too rough?

I know I have occasionally pushed DD as she is under my feet in the kitchen while I'm dealing with pots of hot food etc and a combination of me being flustered so pushing a wee bit harder than intended and DD managing to trip on thin air results in her falling over.

Also, agree with bogeyface on both posts.

piprabbit · 18/07/2011 00:07

It sounds as though your DH was being over-protective of your younger DC. It can hard to see a 'bigger' child hurting or threatening a baby, and to overreact when trying to break up the situation.

A bit like the way you've overreacted...becoming over-protective of DC1 because your DH pushed him.

I think your idea for a calm talk about the right way forward sounds very useful. It might be an idea to get some input from your HV/Children's Centre etc. on constructive ways of handling sibling rivalry too.

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 18/07/2011 00:10

I pushed dd over earlier. I put my hand out to grab her and stop her running past me yet again as she was supposed to be in bed, she fell back against the stairs.

Absolutely no force from me, it was an accident. Should I be jailed and dd painted as the saint child incapable of pissing me off wrong doing ?

Original poster
seasidesister · 18/07/2011 09:11

OK ok I admit I overreacted. Ive calmed down now.

I was angry last night and just needed to vent.

Thanks for all the replies and opinions.

Agree with Piprabbit, I think thats what happened. He had them both all day yesterday and they were stuck indoors because of the weather. dh is very remorseful. Nothing like this has happened before. He is a good dad and a good husband.

Apocalypse I didnt say he should be jailed. I do still think that a grown man should not be pushing a 3 year old over. He needed to understand that.

SPR I think there is a difference between using physical force to protect a child from harm, pushing them over by accident or doing it deliberately. Twice.

Bogey, not sure how you can summarise a marriage on the information of 2 posts, but I did post this in AIBU and expected a range of opinions. You make some valid points but in some respects are being as ott as I was Smile

We are going to have a chat tonight and agree some joint strategies to use so this doesnt happen again.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 18/07/2011 09:33

Did I summarise a marriage?

I just posted how it seemed based on what you had written, with a suggestion of what might help if that is indeed how it is. But it isnt, so feel free to ignore! It was your level of anger at your husband that made me wonder if there was more to it than you had posted, it seemed disproportionate to the crime iykwim.

Personally I think everyone should go on a parenting course as soon as a baby is on the way, it would save alot of marital disharmony, and I include my own marriage in that!

Original poster
seasidesister · 18/07/2011 13:16

Like I said you make some valid points and I agree that my level of anger was disproportionate to the crime.

Still, thats what you get when you rile a woman with pms Grin

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 18/07/2011 16:02

well, you threatened to call the police... so yes, it does read as if you wanted him jailed!

come on, it's hardly the crime of the century

i do agree with the poster who points out you are already typecasting your husband and children. they are the lovely little things, he is the big bad daddy. Your 3 year old already knows to come running to you with "daddy pushed me twice" the moment you come in.

I can honestly say, hand on heart, that if this had happened to my kids they probably wouldn't even remember it later that day!

maybe your dh had asked ds1 to leave his brother alone, and he wouldn't. so he went to move him and ended up accidentally pushing him

you weren't there.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 18/07/2011 16:31

Have we got some dual standards going on here people?: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1261828-to-be-really-upset-at-my-DHs-betrayal

IMO you have not overreacted OP.

You have described a grown man who shouts and swears at his 3 year old son and who finds it necessary to go 'head to head' with him Shock

While in sole charge of his two dc the man lost his temper and pushed the 3 year old on two occasions, on one occasion causing the child to fall over. I very much doubt that these acts were carried out in silence.

Your dh needs to know that his unacceptable behaviour must stop NOW before he does irreparable physical and/or emotional harm to his child/ren, and before you lose confidence in leaving your dc alone with him (if you haven't already done so after yesterday).

I suggest that your dh asks his GP for a referall to a counsellor to resolve his anger issues. If you are in London check out the Everyman Project at www.everymanproject.co.uk

I'm surprised at some of the comments here Confused. I suspect that had you said that your dh had sworn and shouted at you and that he had pushed you with sufficient force to cause you to fall over, the responses would be markedly different.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 18/07/2011 17:16

'referral' even.

BrianAndHisBalls · 18/07/2011 17:17

He swears and shouts at your dc? He pushed one of them over twice?? Shock

I'm with Izzy. Surely no one can think this is normal???? Shock

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