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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to tell ex's GF to keep her opinions to herself regarding DD??

112 replies

runnyegg · 14/07/2011 13:32

Just going through facebook I noticed DD(14) had written a status saying "u no i dunt no y i bover wiv u nemore". A lot of the teens write like this. Anyway underneath the wicked stepmother has written "for goodness sake, why do you write like you're stupid? you're 14 and you write like a 5 year old. It's not cool to be stupid, you know that right? you're doing an English GCSE next year for goodness sake." To make matters worse a number of DDs friends have "Liked" the stepmothers comment which will make DD mortified.

AIBU to send her a message asking her not to badmouth DD on her own facebook page??

OP posts:
fastweb · 14/07/2011 13:51

AIBU to send her a message asking her not to badmouth DD on her own facebook page??

Do you think it would raise the temperature in the adults' relationships (you, your ex and his new partner) or cool things down and bring a certain kind of peace? If it risks things getting ever more sticky between the adults would that be in your daughter's best interests ?
I'd say give her support as she deals with her ?friends?? reactions, explain that some people don't have the knack of sensitivity and possibly take your girl off facebook or help create a new profile so she can be a bit more selective about who she is friends with to make sure she is not opening herself up to hostile responses.
But I don't have a teen, so that might not be realistic as a solution.

wannaBe · 14/07/2011 13:53

"She could have chosen a more mature and less
public forum to make her feelings known." why? If you're going to write like that on facebook which is, let's be honest, fairly public, then I think it fair enough she be called on it.

And I don't buy the line that someone who writes txt spk in one place doesn't do so elsewhere - on the whole people who write like that do so throughout because that's just how they write. Anyone who can write decent English generally doesn't choose to write in txt spk which makes them look completely uninteligent.

Hufflepuzzpig · 14/07/2011 13:54

Ahahaha oh the irony - "u less" obviously means "unless" on my above post. Damn big thumbs.

fastweb · 14/07/2011 14:20

why?

Because it is the kinder thing to do and is more likely to garner a positive change in terms of using text speech, than putting a schoolgirl on the defensive.

Given the nature of the relationship it was also an inflammatory move because it doesn't require a great deal of thought to work out that it was more likely to cause more tension between the adults in the girl?s life, than less. Being inflammatory is immature and downright self centered when children are depending on as much calm among the adults as possible.

Other options on offer were either speaking to the girl privately, raising any concern with her father and letting him deal it if it was considered a serious problem, or simply letting it go. It is not like putting her comments in a public forum was the only choice. It is not that hard to spot that it was the choice most likely to cause negative fall out.

I suspect that the choice to post publically could have had as much to do with eliciting the response we are seeing in the OP as it had to do with a dislike of text speech.

DaisyC · 14/07/2011 14:23

I wouldn't worry about the text speak, my 60 yr old father in law uses text speak all the time (in text messages) and he is a proffesor of english lit and published author! I'm sure your daughter is bright enough to know when it is and isn't appropriate.

TobyLerone · 14/07/2011 16:29

My 11 year-old son is a level 7 in English, too. It doesn't mean I allow him to go around making himself look stupid and being difficult to understand by using text speak. Not that he would, because he knows it's ridiculous.

I agree with others who have said that your problem sounds like it's more with the stepmother than anything.

usualsuspect · 14/07/2011 16:34

YANBU

Your dd can post how she likes on her fb

because you know ,its fb,not a gcse english exam

lovesicecream · 14/07/2011 16:39

I wouldn't worry about the text speak, it has no baring at all on her intelligence , my son and his friends do the same and he is predicted A s and B s in his exams. He has managed to get accepted into two colleges and the RAF so knows when not to use text speak, it's ridiculous to suggest they don't! Also pretty rude of the sm, if she has a problem with it the adult thing to do would have been to tell her to her face!

ScarletOHaHa · 14/07/2011 16:40

FB is a public forum however 14YOs (and often younger) remain children and IMO adults should be considerate and appropriate when adding comments. 14YOs are probably using FB to communicate with their own peer group and belittling comments from a stepmother/adult should not be made. the comments made would be spiteful and bullying if they came from a child. This is NOT the forum for correcting, disciplining, teaching a child.

That said I would not intervene on behalf of the girl. I would hope the teenager can speak to her SM about how she made her feel.

TobyLerone · 14/07/2011 16:41

I couldn't give a bollocks about the text speak having any bearing on intelligence. It's the fact that teenagers think it's 'cool' to dumb themselves down. It's ridiculous, and even more offensive to me coming from someone whom I know to be incredibly intelligent.

It's just a bit pathetic to be that easily led.

Callisto · 14/07/2011 16:42

My 15yo nephew does very well in English despite being unable to spell. He is very good at textspeak though Hmm. Personally, I think the stepmum was spot on and several of your DD's friends obviously do also.

And sending a message (via FB?) to stepmum is very passive aggressive. Can you not talk to her on the phone?

usualsuspect · 14/07/2011 16:45

Oh come on ,didn't we all have our own words and way of talking as teenagers

didn't we all think we were so cool ,its part of being a teenager surely

Takeresponsibility · 14/07/2011 16:45

Your DD has taken the decision to invite "the wicked stepmother" to be her friend (or accept her invitation) on FB.

If you deem her old enough to decide who to befriend on their then you must allow her the same opportunity to de-friend someone who has upset her.

If DDs friends like the comment are you going to tell them off too, or is your wrath reserved for the step-mother?

If so then the issue is not rightful defence of your child but YOUR problem with your ex's GF, and is therefore for YOU to deal with without looking to hide behind your daughter.

usualsuspect · 14/07/2011 16:47

Being 14 is hard enough without a grown adult taking digs at her in public imo

TobyLerone · 14/07/2011 16:51

Nope, usualsuspect, I never deliberately dumbed myself down as a teenager.

lovesicecream · 14/07/2011 16:52

There is alot more to worry about when raising a teenager than how they text speak to each other imo, it's a silly thing to get so het up about

lovesicecream · 14/07/2011 16:54

What sort of talk is " dumbed myself down" ? That sounds like something my teenager would say!

DogsBestFriend · 14/07/2011 16:54

Normally I'd agree with you but the SM's right on this particular issue so all credit to her.

oohjarWhatsit · 14/07/2011 16:55

wotever!

usualsuspect · 14/07/2011 16:55

Text speak was not originally used to dumb yourself down though

It was used to get as many words on a text as possible ,when characters were limited,before the fancy phones of today

Most teenagers grow out of it though,my teenage ds correct other peoples grammar on fb now Grin

grumpypants · 14/07/2011 17:05

Question before I judge Grin

Who was the comment about 'not bothering with you anymore' addressed to? If it was the stepmother, fairplay to her. If not, step mother should not have done it (but you can't get involved).

TobyLerone · 14/07/2011 17:07

But, usualsuspect, today's 14 year-olds won't really know a time where they had to limit the characters in their texts.

Meh, it's just something that annoys me to see. I'm with the stepmother.

fastweb · 14/07/2011 17:12

Oh come on ,didn't we all have our own words and way of talking as teenagers

Yes we did. I remember also something to do with a stripey straw (to do with milk maybe ?) and endless drawings of a little man hanging his nose over a wall saying "wot no...X". Ring a bell for anybody else ?

AmberLeaf · 14/07/2011 17:13

YANBU what the SM said sounded rude, confrontational and OTT

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 14/07/2011 17:25

I'd have said the same to my friend's dd. And in return she tells me where to go (in unsweary terms). She hauls me up for being an old gimmer, I haul her up for her txtspk and so on.

It's fun.

YABU op, on the assumption that they dynamic between your dd and you're ex's dp is possibly quite similar.

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