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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say no to feeding the child next door when she visits

50 replies

MrsKravitz · 14/07/2011 10:39

Ok not as bad as it sounds. I usually do give her snacks etc but they have dinner/tea a lot later than us and she pops over to visit ds right at the time I'm cooking and getting ready to serve our meal.

She asks me for "something to eat and drink". (Usually asks for this for both her and ds). Yesterday I just said "No, im sorry. We are just about to eat tea and I dont want ds having a snack before so he will eat his tea".

Is it so unreasonable to refuse her?

OP posts:

Debs75 · 14/07/2011 10:44

If you have tea at the same time everyday then politely tell her that 'tea is at 5pm so could you come for ds at 5.30 please' Or ask her to go home whilst you have tea.
If she is doing it regualrly then she is probably hungry and not getting snacks at home and has realised that you will feed her.

My friends dad hated people round when they were eating so I had to wait in the garden for her whilst they finished their tea.

Eglu · 14/07/2011 10:45

YANBU. I find it really rude when children ask for stuff in my house anyway. If she wants a snack and drink she can go home for it.

lachesis · 14/07/2011 10:47

YANBU.

Tell her to go home and come back later, after tea.

IntotheNittyGritty · 14/07/2011 10:53

This annoys me to, especially when they ask for food, and then refuse everything they are offered and keep asking what else have you got.

I used to keep offering stuff until they finally accepted something, but soon realised I was being an idiot and now they get offered one thing and that is it. Some kids must go home starving because I didnt give them crisps sweets cakes or biscuits and they wouldnt eat anything else.

The other thing that winds me up are the kids that constantly ask for more when you give them a meal, and they eat absolutely loads, seconds, thirds and sometimes more, then the parents say, "they are light eaters, they dont eat much at all"

EndoplasmicReticulum · 14/07/2011 10:53

YANBU. If she only lives next door and is hungry, she can go home for a snack, surely?

I suspect it may be that she's not allowed snacks at home so is trying it on with you instead.

LineRunner · 14/07/2011 11:35

YANBU. My son goes to a friend's after school sometimes and never gets fed nor would he expect to be. Then he comes home for his tea.

I think it's ok to ask for and offer water. But as far as asking for food in concerned, I think it's ok for you to offer to let her go home as she's obviously hungry!

God, are we just a bunch of meanies??!

worraliberty · 14/07/2011 11:38

What happened to manners? She shouldn't be asking for anything to eat.

A drink is fair enough, but not food and especially if she lives nextdoor.

hugeleyoutnumbered · 14/07/2011 11:40

I would never refuse a drink but she is pushing her luck a little, bless her she can smell you cooking and thinks I'll have some too

squeakytoy · 14/07/2011 11:42

When we were kids, our friends went home when we were eating our tea, unless it was a pre-arranged invite for them to come to tea.

Original poster

MrsKravitz · 14/07/2011 11:50

She constantly asks for food and drink when she is over. Sometimes I catch her in the kitchen cupboards (she is 8). She isnt restricted at home, they have snacks available and are pretty free minded.

OP posts:

Lipstickgal · 14/07/2011 11:53

Well you could invite her to dinner through the parents and so let them know. When it is offered in return then you can say about the time your daughter is use to having dinner. They may fall in then.
Personally I'm a feeder and always offer food for my children's friends. I was raised to be a good host and want my children to feel that their friends are welcomed. I think it is good manners.
I would like my children to grow up large of heart and generous/kind to others. It depends on your values though- if it is done with resentment it's not good for anybody.

ThumbsNoseAtSnapewitch · 14/07/2011 11:57

YANBU, tbh. It's nothing to do with good manners - she is interfering with your home schedule. I think perhaps though you need to stop her coming around at that awkward time - explain that it's not convenient and she can come back later.

ThumbsNoseAtSnapewitch · 14/07/2011 11:58

oh and ban her from the kitchen. She appears to have no boundaries - set her some in YOUR house at least.

startail · 14/07/2011 12:06

I'm very clear with DD2 that the young lady next door gets squash and the odd ice lolly and that's it and she hoes home when we are eating.
Her family circumstances are such that it wouldn't be fair to ask them to reciprocate or waste food they had made her.

startail · 14/07/2011 12:06

Goes

LRDTheFeministNutcase · 14/07/2011 12:33

I don't have children so can someone explain to me ... you're saying the child is being rude, but surely it's not her fault if her parents have not told her this is rude and you have always fed her? How is she meant to cotton on that this isn't polite if no-one says?

(Asking because there's child in our building who rings my doorbell asking for drinks - I would think it rude in an adult but it's quite obvious his parents have just never suggested he shouldn't do this and he seemed embarrassed when I gently explained I was actually quite busy.)

corygal · 14/07/2011 12:54

YANBU. It's being pushy and greedy, so stop feeling secretly guilty.

girlywhirly · 14/07/2011 13:41

MrsK, have you thought that maybe the girl doesn't like her parents cooking? And that snacking at your house is much nicer? I say this, because a little boy at my DS nursery had told the staff he didn't like his mums cooking!

I think you have to say to the girl that if you catch her rummaging in the kitchen cupboards again she will be sent home and you will be explaining why to her parents. It may not be rude if the child has never been told so, but now you are telling her, it may be OK at home but not in other peoples homes. And if she's thirsty she can have water.

I also don't think it's mean to make her go home while your family have their meal. Another thing just occurred to me, she may be filling herself up at yours and not eating her meal at home. They may be trying to get her to eat proper meals instead of snacking all the time. But personally I think she's taking advantage of your good nature.

Masalamama · 14/07/2011 13:49

Wow - amazed by this thread! In my culture you never refuse anyone drinks or snacks. How mean... In this country, however, I can see why it could become a pain. How about politely tipping off this kids parents? And asking them not to let the girl come over at tea time as it is inconvenient.

Hufflepuzzpig · 14/07/2011 14:00

YANBU. Our neighbour has the odd snack but we always firmly tell him he should go home while we have dinner. He has in the past asked if he could just watch us eat

Fimbo · 14/07/2011 14:07

This gets on my nerves if it is a neighbourhood child, if you have specifically invited the child round to play etc then fine. Our neighbours kids used to want all our best stuff that we had for packed lunches etc, which meant having to go out and buy more. Or using all the fresh orange juice etc, which come in quite small containers and then there would be none left for us. It was never ever reciprocated and these kids were in my house morning noon and night. They were always hungry as the mother was lazy and couldn't be bothered feeding them (rolling in dough so money not an object). Eventually I put a stop to it and now we just sort of say hello in the passing.

Original poster

MrsKravitz · 14/07/2011 14:08

masalamama I dont usually refuse. The problem is that I dont want my own ds snacking right before (we are talking less that 10 minutes before dishing up time) his meal. I have offered her the meal but she just wants a snack.

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsKravitz · 14/07/2011 14:11

Or sometimes it is just before I start cooking

OP posts:

SuePurblybilt · 14/07/2011 14:18

girlywirly, did the nursery staff believe the little boy saying he didn't like his mum's cooking? I work with small children and certainly wouldn't assume a nursery-aged child saying that actually didn't like what his mother cooked . He could have not liked that morning's breakfast, or have heard something similar on the tv or was leading up to discussing his wardrobe made entirely from cheese and the great time he had at the weekend on a spaceship to Mars . Children can talk a lot of crap .

Sorry, slight hijack, but it worries me that nursery staff appear to not only take some of these comments as the literal truth but also presumably repeat it as truth to other parents (eg you)?

OP - stick to your guns. Maybe make up a rule - snack time is 3pm and fruit only or something?

SESthebrave · 14/07/2011 14:22

YANBU - I think you've explained it ok to her. I can imagine it being hard to give her a snack and not your DS. I agree, the other option is to offer for her to join you for a meal once a week.

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