To say no to feeding the child next door when she visits

[MrsKravitz]

Ok not as bad as it sounds. I usually do give her snacks etc but they have dinner/tea a lot later than us and she pops over to visit ds right at the time I'm cooking and getting ready to serve our meal.

She asks me for "something to eat and drink". (Usually asks for this for both her and ds). Yesterday I just said "No, im sorry. We are just about to eat tea and I dont want ds having a snack before so he will eat his tea".

Is it so unreasonable to refuse her?

I think if I was the girls parent I might get a bit cross that she was constantly being given food prior to dinner to "spoill her appetite".

No child was allowed in our house at meal times when we were kids unless they had been invited for dinner. I am surprised to learn that other families don't police dinner time in this way. We were however a traditional "sit round the table and talk about your day" family. Or as my brother calls it 'dinner table interrogation time'.

lurker she isnt there AT the meal, just before

God this would drive me mad. You are definitely NBU. You aren't saying she can't come round, can't play with toys, can't see your DS. You are saying that it's not appropriate in your home to snack just before a meal. Which is totally fair enough.

Why is this girl in your house so often in the first place? Is she a particular friend of DS or does she just appear? I would never have just called in on a friend and expected food and drink. We would be invited round and then, as guests, you are treated as such and given drinks and snacks or a meal as appropriate in that home.

Risking the wrath of several MNers I am sure by saying that many kids these days have no manners.

But Masalamama, would you be happy for visiting children to help themselves to food and drink unlimited from your fridge and cupboards? It seems the child in this post is constantly wanting something and has helped herself without permission. Surely she's stretching MrsKravitz hospitality to its' limit.

Agree with OP, absolutely no snacks before tea, spoils there appetite for one meal a day which really counts.
I would offer snacks and drink happily at the different times of day, but that's it. We had similar situation not long ago, where our DD was having her friend for play in the late afternoon, tea time. I would be cooking and serving the tea and DD friend would stay with us for dinner, on a numerous occasions which was not a problem, I generally don't have a problem feeding DD and DS friend's( we have them frequently for tea).
But I have become a little more reserved after parents of the same DD's friend refused my girl for tea, telling her "we don't have enough food" and "would you like to go home now".
I did find there behaviour strange and stingy.
Since then I always remind DD "Don't ask for any drink or food unless you are offered",
When I cook tea it's never only for four, there is always couple more plates going and I don't mind feeding a child, in fact I am glad if it's all eaten and there are no leftovers.
These days i tend to set the rules, If the any of the DD's friends are over at ours for play in the afternoon, i tend to ask will child be staying for tea and if yes that is absolutely fine.
But I do expect the same in return.

Agree with OP, absolutely no snacks before tea, spoils there appetite for one meal a day which really counts.
I would offer snacks and drink happily at the different times of day, but that's it. We had similar situation not long ago, where our DD was having her friend for play in the late afternoon, tea time. I would be cooking and serving the tea and DD friend would stay with us for dinner, on a numerous occasions which was not a problem, I generally don't have a problem feeding DD and DS friend's( we have them frequently for tea).
But I have become a little more reserved after parents of the same DD's friend refused my girl for tea, telling her "we don't have enough food" and "would you like to go home now".
I did find there behaviour strange and stingy.
Since then I always remind DD "Don't ask for any drink or food unless you are offered",
When I cook tea it's never only for four, there is always couple more plates going and I don't mind feeding a child, in fact I am glad if it's all eaten and there are no leftovers.
These days i tend to set the rules, If the any of the DD's friends are over at ours for play in the afternoon, i tend to ask will child be staying for tea and if yes that is absolutely fine.
But I do expect the same in return.

Sorry double post, I don't know what happened

An 8 yo who asks instead of waiting to be offered (and who isn't denied food at home) and who goes down kitchen cupboards uninvited should be sent home and told not to return until she learns some manners and respect.

That should solve the problem.

I think the best thing is to send her home as your child is about to have tea - I can remember being sent home from friends houses for that reason, and they from ours and it seems perfectly reasonable.

As for her looking for snacks herself, then it would be the ususal resopnse from me that "we don't do that in this house".

Aww thats sad, she sounds hungry OP. But i agree, you dont want to be giving your DS a drink and something to eat whilst tea is being served up.

Sue, his mum had spoken with he nursery staff, because she was worried that he wasn't eating at home! She told me this, and also that they had said he ate really well at nursery. I know that he was an only child and they often eat well in company, but it floored me when I heard him say that he didn't like mummy's dinners one day! I had brought DS back from an appointment and they were just starting lunch, the little boy was tucking in with enjoyment when he said it. So knowing the back story made me wonder.

Also I had a boyfriend who confided to me that he had always hated his mums cooking! I guess it can happen.

YANBU at all.

We get this too, and it drives me bloody mad. Especially as this "friend" blows hot and cold with dd1, and just uses her when the other neighbour isn't around.

I have now put my foot down and said no. I don't mind providing a drink, esp if it is hot.

YANBU. If anything you're doing her a favour by initiating clear boundaries about when it is not appropriate to ask for a drink/snack in another person's house. Her parents are either unaware of this or have overlooked their DD's bad behaviour which will only cause her embarrassment and hurt somewhere along the line.

One thing no one (correct me if I am wrong) has questioned is whether she is being fed adequately at home. You said her parents were 'free' with snacks etc but parents often have a way of overcompensating when there is someone around who might judge their behaviour. If they're feeding an 8 year old dinner later in the evening it's possible they are busy/ disorganised and maybe don't always have to time to buy/ plan meals and therefore snacks for their DD on a regular basis.

Offer her water, fruit, nuts, naturally sweetened muesli bars etc and see what kind of reaction you get. Her enthusiasm for 'snack time' will probably wane unless she is genuinely hungry or just enjoys feeling that she is part of your family. If you think these reasons may be the case make a special point of inviting her over for tea regularly (have DS practice neat handwriting doing an invite etc).

It's not your responsibility to feed her but you can never really lose by giving and doing the right thing by a child.

I see girly, thank you for indulging my nosiness.

Why are you being made to feel bad by an 8 yr old, who has no manners and rummages thru your cupboards? Tell her no snacks are available again and again, until she gets the message. Also tell her to go home 10 minutes before your dinner time.

I felt bad for the mum, Sue!

'God, are we just a bunch of meanies??!'

We actually have a really tight food/snack budget and have to plan to feed extra mouths.

OP, have you said anything to the little girl yet?

Have you spoken to the girls' parents? Could it not be that they are unaware and a bit as to why the child isn't eating her own tea, after snacking at yours?

But YANBU

Do you know her parents ? do any of your DC's ever go to their house ?
Personally i think it is incredibly rude to ask for food ! Nothing wrong with saying "We're having our tea now, won't your mother/father want you home now so you can have yours ?"

I don't really see a problem if I ever have anyone in my house wether they're adult or child would always offer them a drink and snack at the least,

Agree with lachesis... not everybody has an elastic budget and it is really bad manners for children to just assume that they can have whatever they like at other people's houses. Those bad manners are enforced by the self-confessed 'large hearted' people who don't know if the child is allowed snacks in the first place, or restricted from eating certain things - or even that the child's parents might be put under pressure to reciprocate something they can't afford.

People ought to think a little more, not just indulge their own sense of largesse.

I think there's a lot to be said for invitations; nothing particularly formal required but proper observance of what is good manners.

when I was a kid I was always eating at my friend's house. One day I heard her father yelling "we cant feed the whole £$%^& neighbourhood" . Basically their food was much nicer than what we got at home (lived with single dad, so not much money)

I dont always have snacks in the house to feed unexpected visitors as we always try to eat main meals only. I find if my dc nibble away at the snacks they dont eat the main meal, and if snacks are available, they will eat them, not think, oh its emergency food for unexpected visitors. So when the unexpected visitors want feeding, there is nothing left. So I just gave up and stopped buying anything.