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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that this women is completely overreacting?

115 replies

babybumpx · 13/07/2011 21:40

I arranged with an associate/friend to meet on monday morning for coffee at my house with her toddler who was excited to come and play with DS2.

However I am 34 weeks pregnant, I have literally just moved home, my partner had worked nights that weekend so he had decided on monday morning to have the day off and get some rest, he was going to go in for the overtime but his sleep is more important, so i called her to apologise and reschedule it for the afternoon, she was ok with that. however I was also waiting for the delivery of our Moses basket which was due to arrive between the hours 9.30 and 12.30. so i had planned to go into town at 1 and be back in time for the school run and then have my "friend" over, It didnt arrive and after calling mothercare they said it will be here sometime that day! to top it all of my partner and I had a disagreement, so i then decided today really isnt a good day, I was feeling so stressed, after being in hospital the friday previous for a high blood pressure etc I didnt want anyone coming round. I tried calling her but no reply, so then messaged her and suggested she came over on thursday after school. Her reply was no thanks, I have let her down and she feels that my poor excuses and not good enough, she'd rather take a step back. This morning at the school run she completely blanked me, I text her to apologise once again and her reply was much of the same as before, adding that it is not good enough, for future reference you need to find better excuses and to wake up and smell the coffee! and do i always lie to myself??

I am upset as I dont want to make people feel this way but I cant help thinking she is overreacting, I replied to her message by saying that seeing as the friendship seems to be very conditional I am happy to completely take a step back from it and that I dont have any friends who are as rigid as that.

What more can I say.

OP posts:
mumonahottinroof · 14/07/2011 14:24

yabu

that kind of behaviour is very annoying, when you have toddlers you need to fill your days and to have to reschedule twice and be left with a bored and upset toddler would be infuriating. I had a friend who used to constantly do this and she is no longer my friend either though I never had the gumption to do what this lady did

brokenmarrow · 14/07/2011 14:56

I think the age of the child is the biggest factor in her annoyance. Before i had children or when my ds was a baby it wouldnt have bothered me that much and i would have done something else. I presume the same goes for older kids who would understand more. But toddlers are the hardest work and most difficult to explain things to and placate.

Maybe its a good thing she was brave enough to tell you how she felt.

Maybe there are a string of 'friends' who you dont see much anymore or who are always too busy to see you because they havent had the balls to call it !

begonyabampot · 14/07/2011 16:01

goodness, are you reading the same posts as everyone else as you seem to interpret them in a completely different way. I actually think she is much better off without you - you don't seem to realise that you were the one in the wrong.

threefeethighandrising · 14/07/2011 18:43

The OP is 34 weeks pregnant FFS!

I'm shocked at how rude some of you are being Angry

If she doesn't feel up to something when heavily pregnant then she's every right to say so!

GwendolineMaryLacey · 14/07/2011 18:46

What's that got to do with anything? She cancelled, twice, because she couldn't be arsed. She was staying at home and putting the kettle on for her friend, not leading a hike across the Alps. If she was 40 weeks and in labour I might agree you had a point.

MorelliOrRanger · 14/07/2011 19:04

YABU to cancel twice with crappy excuses. You couldn't be bothered that's the truth. Your friend has every right to be annoyed, however that text was quite harsh.

pingu2209 · 14/07/2011 19:08

I think I would reply saying, "sorry I know it was very late notice and it has annoied you, but I am only human and am finding life a bit tough with various things happening all at once. I would have thought the milk of human kindness would mean you would have forgiven me, even though you were a little pissed off at me. However, your reaction and lack of kindness makes me realise that I want to develop friendships with people who will forgive me for mistakes I make, just as I will forgive them."

GwendolineMaryLacey · 14/07/2011 19:10

PMSL pingu. That takes passive aggressiveness to a new level Hmm The op has already stated that she doesn't give a shit about this 'friend' and the way she's treating her makes it obvious.

SayItLoud · 14/07/2011 19:27

You don't seem 'too forgiving', 'laid back' or 'understanding' at all. Your actions are entirely at odds with how you see yourself and describe yourself. You seem inconsiderate, thoughless and easily stressed to me.

I'd have been really pissed off with you, although I would not have texted back to tell you so, just not arranged anything with you again. She was also unnecessarily rude, although her rudeness is more forgiveable given that she was dealing with a disappointed toddler through no fault of her own.

YABU.

Pagwatch · 14/07/2011 19:31

Really pingu?

You would send her something rude pretending it was apology?

Why would anyone do that - well any grown up?

pingu2209 · 14/07/2011 19:32

GwendowlineML - do you really think my suggestion is passive aggressive? I often wondered what this means.

pingu2209 · 14/07/2011 19:33

Pagwatch - I don't think that is rude. It is a calm way of stating how I feel about her reaction.

ScarlettIsWalking · 14/07/2011 19:38

I had a friend like the op once, last minute calls to rearrange, cancel. Silly excuses obviously made up. It was telling that once in her company she revived a text and said to me " oh I'm cancelling this woman I really can't be bothered" and I realised she did this to me.

I blocked her out completely. It was so nice not having to explain to dd that we are not in fact going to see x and have to do something to make up for all the disappointment. Good on the friend. The last straw I feel.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 14/07/2011 19:45

:o

GwendolineMaryLacey · 14/07/2011 19:45

Funnily enough, everything I tried to type in response to that sounded passive aggressive even though it wasn't meant to be, so I stuck to a smiley...which looks passive aggressive!

Lou222 · 14/07/2011 19:47

op you don't sound at all sorry that you completely cocked up your friends day

RMutt · 14/07/2011 19:49

I think you've been a bit flaky but yes she's possibly overreacted. Mind you maybe you cancelling left her high and dry when she could've been elsewhere.

Tbh it's a doomed friendship. You are more laid back and she sounds very buttoned up about what is and isn't acceptable.

sofadweller · 14/07/2011 19:59

I find it interesting that you describe her as an associate/friend.

Yes, you were busy, but you let her down repeatedly and mucked her whole day up. It sounds like you weren't really committed to the arrangement anyway.

Pagwatch · 14/07/2011 20:04

Ok pingu. Fwiw I think it is very rude. Not least because it is completely unnecessary.

It is one short step from " I am sorry you are such a bitch"
If you want to tell her she is a cow then don't pretend it is an apology

PigeonPair · 14/07/2011 20:08

I heard a saying once that being late for things/people and cancelling is like saying "my time is more important than yours". Yes, sometimes things crop up at the last minute and there are often times I feel like cancelling arrangements I have made when drunk in a good mood. However, I always try to think how I would feel if someone binned me off at the last minute and the answer to that is PISSED OFF. Sometimes you just have to make an effort!

kerala · 14/07/2011 20:08

Yabu how rude you not her. I had an arrangement with a friend who had 3 little boys when 35 weeks with toddler in new house. Had a busy day hosting but it was fun and though tired didn't want to mess her about. DD was born that night so in hindsight should have taken it abit easier but I try to treat friends with respect and we had made a plan her boys were looking forward to.

Gooseberrybushes · 14/07/2011 23:52

You are so wrong to think friends are people who don't mind being pissed about. Friends are the people you don't piss about and friends don't piss people about.

bigbuttons · 15/07/2011 09:40

LOl @ being heavily PG gives you the right to treat people like shite.

Op what are you going to do once your baby is born? Not change its nappy, take it out and feed it because you can't be bothered? You have responsibilities towards people. Soon you will not be able to be so utterly self centred, then perhaps you will realise what a tit you've been.

Original poster
babybumpx · 15/07/2011 09:43

ok unfortunately I dont have time have as much time as would like to write essays on here. I'll bullet point the facts of the situation, whether I come across rude or not is neither here nor there, you seriously cannot judge anyone or anything by a message? but it seems that some of you think I couldn't be arsed with her??

  • I am 34 weeks pregnant
  • Just moved home
  • was in hospital a few days before the arrangement
  • my partner worked over the weekend (nights)
  • he decided to stay home late notice that morning
  • I was waiting for a delivery that was scheduled between the hours of 9.27 and 12.27.
  • I had to go into town for various reasons.
  • My delivery didnt turn up, after calling them, they just said it will be here today.......which really messed up my plans to meet her and also go into town.
  • I had a disagreement with my partner

in-between all of that, I called my friend to apologise and ask if its ok with her for us to meet after school, that way our older children can play, My partner gets a well deserved rest, I get to go into town and my delivery comes...perfect.

My delivery still doesn't come, My partner and I have a disagreement, with me being heavily pregnant, upset, high blood pressure = a one off bad day!

I decided to go into town after I had collected my son from school, get back cook tea, homework, clean up, bedtime!

So be it selfish and thoughtless....or not what I called her to sincerely apologise thinking she would understand or at least answer the phone but she didnt so I had to text to apologise, twice. get told to wake up and smell the coffee, do i always lie to myself and that my "excuses" are poor!

So yes, i felt and still do feel that it is a complete over reaction, I am happy to hold my hands up and apologise profusely when I am wrong or just havent thought and I did apologise on 3 occasions, like I said before it is her choice to react that way, there are always two sides to every situation and she has hers which is valid but I really am not interested if thats the "conditions" of the relationship, to me it is very harsh, very possessive, almost controlling and "i cant get my own way" attitude, also dont forget I know this person and her personality so it all fits in. which is why I am happy to make any effort. People have enough to deal with in their lives without friends who make it much more difficult.

Some of you mentioned about how ive treat her and how im not a good friend and then made reference to what a good friend is right? well surely if she was a good friend, she would have been very understanding about it, taking into account she knows me.....rather than throwing a tantrum because she's had to change plans now. its not the end of the world, its not a common complaint, its called life!

OP posts:
bigbuttons · 15/07/2011 09:48

No you are not GOOD FRIEND because you can't understand why she is so pissed off with you. You are utterly self centred. Why on earth are you making arrangements you can't keep? Being 34 weeks pg is a very very lame excuse indeed

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