to think that this women is completely overreacting?

[babybumpx]

I arranged with an associate/friend to meet on monday morning for coffee at my house with her toddler who was excited to come and play with DS2.

However I am 34 weeks pregnant, I have literally just moved home, my partner had worked nights that weekend so he had decided on monday morning to have the day off and get some rest, he was going to go in for the overtime but his sleep is more important, so i called her to apologise and reschedule it for the afternoon, she was ok with that. however I was also waiting for the delivery of our Moses basket which was due to arrive between the hours 9.30 and 12.30. so i had planned to go into town at 1 and be back in time for the school run and then have my "friend" over, It didnt arrive and after calling mothercare they said it will be here sometime that day! to top it all of my partner and I had a disagreement, so i then decided today really isnt a good day, I was feeling so stressed, after being in hospital the friday previous for a high blood pressure etc I didnt want anyone coming round. I tried calling her but no reply, so then messaged her and suggested she came over on thursday after school. Her reply was no thanks, I have let her down and she feels that my poor excuses and not good enough, she'd rather take a step back. This morning at the school run she completely blanked me, I text her to apologise once again and her reply was much of the same as before, adding that it is not good enough, for future reference you need to find better excuses and to wake up and smell the coffee! and do i always lie to myself??

I am upset as I dont want to make people feel this way but I cant help thinking she is overreacting, I replied to her message by saying that seeing as the friendship seems to be very conditional I am happy to completely take a step back from it and that I dont have any friends who are as rigid as that.

What more can I say.

Yabu. You sound selfish and self obsessed. You should not have arranged the meeting. Don't make arrangements you can't sick to or you won't have any friends left.

I'd have felt let down and messed about a bit, tbh. I would probably have decided to back off a bit myself, assuming that you weren't that bothered about the friendship and probably too busy/stressed in general to find time for me.

I wouldn't have become stroppy or hostile or ignored you though. That was a little bit OTT I think. The woman sounds a bit sensitive to being let-down or feeling rejected, perhaps it has happened to her a lot in the past. I'd probably simply have had my own excuses prepared (if) you tried to arrange another meet-up in the future, to avoid the hassle and awkwardness of further last minute cancellations and apologies.

YABbeing unreasonable. You for cancelling on her with rubbish reasons as if she's got nothing to do but wait around all day in case you might want to see her. And her for bothering to get annoyed about it. I had an unreliable 'friend' like this. I just don't make arrangements/invite her anywhere anymore.

I'm not surprised she was pissed off tbh. What tortoise said about the toddler being upset. I wouldn't have bothered texting you what she did, but I certainly would have thought it and wouldn't have wanted to reschedule with you either.

I can see both sides TBH. I agree with TheFrogs post, what would all of you have said if it was explained from the other side?

Moving house, and being heavily pregnant, with the added worry of going to hosp with high blood pressure would certainly make me a bit "flakey". I had pre-eclampsia and its not fun, so the less stress the better. Also, having people round when there is an atmosphere from a disagreement with a partner is no fun for the visitor or the host.

But, I would be annoyed as well if I was blown out twice in quick succession. But I would never say what the OP's acquaintance said.

OP, I would put it behind you and concentrate on not letting your blood pressure get any higher.

We've known each other a while so it isn't a brand new relationship, it was about a month ago that I had cancelled before. However during our relationship I feel I have been a friend to her, a kind listening ear, non judgemental as that's the type of person I am, welcoming to her and her family, etc. In the grand scheme of things I still feel this is completely overreacting and there are far bigger things to worry about than a friend not being able to keep arrangements when most of the time there is never an issue. I dont have these issues with other friends who I've known a very long time. Im not sure how I come across flaky but messaging isn't the best way to judge someone. Thank you for all your opinions and advice, I'm sure she is upset and the situation could have been handled differently but in the circumstances it wasn't and at least I do know now rather than later that it's not a friendship I should value as I know I would never in a million years react this way to any of my friends, maybe I'm too forgiving in that respect. I save situations like this for things that are justified this sort of reaction. it's done and dusted but good to hear everyone's thoughts on it. x

I would be pretty pissed off if I was her too.

She prob got up and got ready and then you postponed to the afternoon. So to late to make plans to fill her morning. Then when it gets near time to meet in the afternoon you cancel for flaky reasons. YOU have wasted HER time. A whole day of it.

I had a friend like this. I know know longer speak to them as I hate last minute cancelling/changing of plans as it just says they think their time is more important than yours.

you sound a bit flaky OP where sticking to agreed times is concerned

i would be annoyed if i was friend and you let me down several times

gosh you do have a lot on your plate at the mo. i think that sometimes things go pear shaped and thats just life. people sometimes just have to change plans. most of the time we stick to plans but we are also semi relaxed and go with the flow when needed. my friends are the same. we often change plansd to help eachother out in emergencies for example. if she was a real friend she would understand how much you have on your plate at the moment and that you need support not hurtful comments.

I would have been extremely pissed off if I'd given up a whole day (which is what it will have ended up being with the reschedule) to come and see you and got my toddler all excited and then had to let him down twice in one day (as in Tortoiseonthehalfshell's post of Thu 14-Jul-11 02:12:51) just because you didn't feel like it. And if you'd done the same thing last month too I'd be beyond pissed off.

But I wouldn't have behaved the way she did, I would just have taken a step back and not made any more arrangements with you.

I would be pissed off, I wouldn't arrange to meet you either after that lot of excuses.

It's interesting that it's her with the grievance but you getting on your high horse about her not being a true friend. If that's how you feel about the friendship then that's probably why you have no qualms in pissing her around. She probably knows that and this was the last straw.

I think shes got balls to tell you what she really thinks . The majority of people say thats ok dont worry about it .

I think if it was just the one time, then it's fine. Two or three cancellations at short notice would really get my goat.

I think maybe its a good plan that you are not friends, she needs structure and order, likes to plan out her day. You need to be able to change your mind and not have to worry if you are offending someone - the two dont mix. I'm an organised sort of person, I would still have had her round however knackered I was as I know how dissapointing it is to have your arrangement cancelled by someone else. I am pals with a few mums at school but the only ones I see regularly are those who are as anal as me!

You say she has blanked you. Did you actively walk over to her and engage in an explanation of what happened or did you look over and decide it would be a frosty reception?

Flaket friends are a bit of a pain to be honest. We probably all have one. The one who mkaes us roll our eyes as they cancel us again.

The difference is, we only put up with the flakey friend if we go way back and they're really great comapny when we do get together...you don't have this back story with this woman so she's not likely to want to pursue it.

Hmmm. You are not terribly interested in seeing yourself as in the wrong a little bit. Your only criticism of your behaviour in your most recent post is that you are "too forgiving" .

Do you want to consider the possibility that her life is not necessarily a breeze -that she may be less confident than she appears, that she is concerned you may not care about dropping meeting up with her if the slightest thing changes.
People rarely get randomly huffy. It is usually hurt feelings or insecurity. You didn't even bit her to try and speak with her but chose to cancel at short notice by text. I wouldn't treat my cleaner like that -I would assume you were either choosing to be dismissive ir cared so little about meeting up that you couldn't be arsed to actually speak to me.

I get the sense of being overwhelmed and needing to cancel stuff. You were not unreasonable to back out if you felt stressed.
But you were very casual about inconveniencing her and seem indifferent to the fact that you were rude -unintentionally but still rude.
And you preoccupation now is that she has upset you.

If I were you and I liked her I would find a way to apologise properly. By all means stress that it wasn't your fault but saying " it couldn't be helped but I realise I have upset you and I am sorry about that' does not dilute her feeling.

But if you don't really care that you have upset her, and I suspect you don't really, then take this opportunity to let the friendship go. That may suit both of you -nothing wrong with that.

Gosh, YABU

Poor lady got herself and her toddler ready twice in one day for you!

If I was her, no way would I have the balls to say or text what she did.

BUT I WOULD BE THINKING IT.

Well so you've cancelled on her three times.

Personally I used to never tell my DCs about these sort of things in case they didn't happen, but it seems her DS knew. He was possibly really upset if he was excited about it when you arranged it.

I would not have sent the rude texts but I would probably have not bothered with you ever again, written you off as "the one who is always cancelling"

YABU. She's wasted a whole day for you. Good on her for telling you exactly what she thought and how she felt. I wouldn't have sent that text but I'd have really really wanted to in her postion.

ive learnt not to tell DD plans with ppl like you for the let down factor, you've basically made out your life and whats happening to you are so much more important than hers and her poor wee DSs. she may have been able to meet up with another friend had you not cancelled on her the 2nd time or taken her DS somewhere but as you left it sghort notice she would have been incredibly angry and not 'upto' taking her DS anywhere. bloody cold hearted of you to put your needs before a toddlers.

Gosh your last post is monumentally lacking in self awareness! You've been really quite unkind to your friend, have had it pointed out to you and you still can only see the situation from your fairly warped point of view.

If you want to salvage your friendship you better come up with a decent apology sharpish

It is annoying when someone keeps making plans and then cancelling at the last minute - but if someone did this to me, I'd just accept the apology and make a mental note to myself not to depend on them in future!

I wouldn't have said the things she said to you (though I might briefly have thought them!), that was rude of her.

OMG I can't believe the actual woman who you are talking about (TheFrogs) has turned up on this thread! That's gotta be embarrassing!