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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that this women is completely overreacting?

115 replies

babybumpx · 13/07/2011 21:40

I arranged with an associate/friend to meet on monday morning for coffee at my house with her toddler who was excited to come and play with DS2.

However I am 34 weeks pregnant, I have literally just moved home, my partner had worked nights that weekend so he had decided on monday morning to have the day off and get some rest, he was going to go in for the overtime but his sleep is more important, so i called her to apologise and reschedule it for the afternoon, she was ok with that. however I was also waiting for the delivery of our Moses basket which was due to arrive between the hours 9.30 and 12.30. so i had planned to go into town at 1 and be back in time for the school run and then have my "friend" over, It didnt arrive and after calling mothercare they said it will be here sometime that day! to top it all of my partner and I had a disagreement, so i then decided today really isnt a good day, I was feeling so stressed, after being in hospital the friday previous for a high blood pressure etc I didnt want anyone coming round. I tried calling her but no reply, so then messaged her and suggested she came over on thursday after school. Her reply was no thanks, I have let her down and she feels that my poor excuses and not good enough, she'd rather take a step back. This morning at the school run she completely blanked me, I text her to apologise once again and her reply was much of the same as before, adding that it is not good enough, for future reference you need to find better excuses and to wake up and smell the coffee! and do i always lie to myself??

I am upset as I dont want to make people feel this way but I cant help thinking she is overreacting, I replied to her message by saying that seeing as the friendship seems to be very conditional I am happy to completely take a step back from it and that I dont have any friends who are as rigid as that.

What more can I say.

OP posts:

DaphneHeartsFred · 13/07/2011 23:11

She's probably upset that you've let her toddler down. The one that was really excited. :(

TBH I'd probably do my nut at you too.

SouthStar · 13/07/2011 23:15

Poor effort on your part really.
Maybe she really needed a friend that day. You said you had cancelled on her before and got a sharp reply so really what were you expecting?

begonyabampot · 13/07/2011 23:17

I have a friend who would arrange to meet up with the kids. I'd phone on the day to make final arrangements and she often cancelled or had forgot or something else had come up. I had a wasted day where it was too late to really rearrange and very disappointed kids who were looking forward to a playdate. I get the impression she had double booked and was off enjoying herself while my kids sat on their own disappointed. YABU.

TAtops · 13/07/2011 23:17

I used to be friends with a mum I'd met at school, and we'd meet up with kids in the holidays. But she cancelled things a few times at short notice because she was tired or thought her kids had too much on. I was really annoyed because I had to explain to my kids that their trip was cancelled and often when it was too late to offer much of an alternative, and I know I'd have made the effort to stick to the arrangement if it were the other way around. I avoid her now - not blanking, but making it clear I'm not willing to put the effort in any more.

SheCutOffTheirTails · 13/07/2011 23:18

You were really very rude and inconsiderate to both her and the child that was excited about your plans.

You blew her off because you couldn't be arsed.

I wouldn't have reacted like she did, but I wouldn't be making any more arrangements with you.

edam · 13/07/2011 23:20

Aw, I'd have been really cross with you if this had happened when ds was the excited toddler. Because I would have been upset about his disappointment. Changing the arrangement once was irritating and inconvenient, then to change it again really is taking the mick.

hairfullofsnakes · 13/07/2011 23:28

Hmm I can see both sides but I can't help but think that the way she reacted must run deeper... Have you rubbed her up the wrong way too many times?

razzlebathbone · 13/07/2011 23:32

I think you let her down twice in one day at very short notice for really flimsy reasons. I feel a bit sorry for her and would love to hear her side if this story. YABU

Nancy66 · 13/07/2011 23:35

You sound flakey - and flakey people piss me off. I'd have been annoyed too.

ll31 · 13/07/2011 23:37

your attitude may make her feel as if she's completely unimportant to you.. she's got an excited toddler whose now disappointed.. Have you done this a lot to her? have to say my sympathy is wiht hr not you

Hufflepuzzpig · 13/07/2011 23:38

I'm with you OP, good friends understand if plans change and don't get huffy about it. Shame for the DCs but you just deal with it. High maintenance much?!

Haystack · 13/07/2011 23:43

Wow surprised people are being so judgemental about this. It is real life that sometimes, particularly when you are pregnant, have just moved etc things get on top of you and you need to change plans. To be honest if it was one of my friends I would have asked if there was anything I could do help if she was having a hectic day, picking older child up from school or something to take the pressure off rather than having some self obessed hissy fit. A toddler can be easily distracted and would probably love spending some one on one time with mum instead. Lucky escape, now go and find some friends whose self esteem is slightly less fragile!

SheCutOffTheirTails · 13/07/2011 23:44

I'm about the most chilled out person about plans changing and life getting in the way, particularly when there are children involved. I'm a very low-maintenance friend.

But if my child and I wasted an entire day because someone didn't have the decency to stick to plans having already blown us off at short notice for no good reason once that day, I wouldn't bother making plans with them again.

I value my time and my child's feelings more than that.

SouthStar · 13/07/2011 23:56

Its not about being judgmental, its pointing out she messed someone around because she just couldnt be arsed to make the effort. She already said the friendship was in its early stages yet she had already cancelled on her before.

Morloth · 14/07/2011 01:24

Oh well, sounds like you wouldn't be a good fit for each other anyway (flakey person + a bit stroppy person = annoyed people). TBH I would be a bit annoyed but wouldn't say anything, just wouldn't bother trying again.

There are friends who could do this sort of thing to me and I to them and it would be no big deal, but not someone I was just getting to know, sounds too hard.

Just shrug and move on.

proudfoot · 14/07/2011 01:26

You are both unreasonable.

You were totally flaky and rude to keep cancelling her. I can see why she thinks let's not bother then if you cba.

BUT her message was very rude.

echt · 14/07/2011 01:38

While the latter half of your friend's text was OTT, well rude, actually, you do have form for cancelling and did so twice again. No wonder she was pissed off.

Your remark inferring she was "rigid", turning it into a matter of her attitude and not your actions, was rude as hers to you.

You're both right to step away.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 14/07/2011 02:12

So if I'm your friend, I'll have said to my toddler first thing, "Hey, do you want to go over and play with John today" and she'll have said yaayyyyy I love John are we going over now when are we going to John's house I'm excited, and I'll have said "in an hour or so, so we'll miss the park this morning and go there instead, shall we" and she'll have jumped up and down, and I'll have avoided starting any longish projects with her in the meantime, and she'll have spent an hour asking me if it's time to go to John's now.

And then you've texted to change it to this afternoon, and I've explained this to the toddler, cue lots of "but we go now?" No, sweetheart, we'll go in a few hours, let's do this made-up-on-the-spot thing instead!

And then another text saying eg, too stressed, let's do it another day. So by now I've lost the opportunity to go out and spend the day doing something with the toddler because it's too late. I have to explain to the toddler that actually we're not going to John's at all, and I was really desperate for some adult company today because I've been at home with a three year old all week and there are only so many times one can convince oneself that painting papier mache animals is a fulfilling use of one's time. So I'm grumpy and disappointed, but I can't show that can I, because I have a grumpy disappointed toddler who is very sad about not seeing John.

TheFrogs · 14/07/2011 02:37

Am I being unreasonable?

A friend/associate invited me for coffee Monday morning with my toddler. She is 34 weeks pregnant, her partner works nights/weekends, she was recently in hospital for high blood pressure.

She changed the time on me twice asking if we could meet Thursday after school instead. Her excuse? Some disagreements with her partner...he is tired from his shifts and needed sleep...she is waiting for delivery of baby equipment that should have been delivered long ago. She was very apologetic.

I told her not to bother meeting up, told her to wake up and smell the coffee, and asked her if she always lied to herself.

GColdtimer · 14/07/2011 03:55

@ tortoise.

Thing is op you didn't consider her at all or the fact she had a wasted day with a disappointed toddler. That said I think her reaction was a tad extreme.

Gooseberrybushes · 14/07/2011 04:15

yy I wouldn't be bothering with you again. You're annoying.

JamieAgain · 14/07/2011 05:10

She's being unreasonable. If someone was that suspicious of me and inflexible it would put me off being her friend, TBH

JamieAgain · 14/07/2011 05:14

However nice I am (and I am nice) I don't put other people's needs above my own and my children's. That's what this woman seems to be expecting.

JamieAgain · 14/07/2011 05:27

wow, I really don't sound that nice, do I?

Catslikehats · 14/07/2011 06:27

You've just moved and you cancelled on her "just before you moved" and two other ocassions since? So what three times in a week or two?

I'd be pissed off and probably wouldn't bother talking to you much again. You sound flakey and hard work and who needs a friend like that?

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