To think that the cost of attending a wedding is prohibitively expensive?

[Mumswang]

I?m of that age where lots of our friend are getting married. Now I?m not a party pooper, I love a wedding, and I love my friends, I love celebrating with my friends, but??.latest of friends to get married (the second this summer). Not an extravagant do, just a normal wedding, no outrageous demands or costs, in fact it's one of the more modest events

Hen night
Spa £55
Curry £35 (no booze for me, pregnant)
Club £15 (again booze costs minimised)
Contribution towards hen night tat £15
Total - £120

Stag night
Weekend in European city ? God knows, in region of £500 I should think (conservatively)

Wedding
3 hour drive away
Petrol £40 ish
Hotel (only allow 2 night bookings at weekends in summer, can?t actually stay 2 nights as no DC wedding, fine but no one to look after DS for two nights) £180
Outfit ? have to buy something as huge so £50 dress, swollen feet so need new, flat shoes £50
Present - £50 I think is about the minimum we can spend without looking mean (they have asked for cash contributions)
Total - £370

So we?re looking at near enough £1000

DP and I haven?t had a holiday for 3 years, not even a weekend away somewhere together

We?ve just moved house and can?t afford, for example, curtains so have old, faded ones that don?t fit the windows, amongst other things

My car needs a new exhaust, I can?t afford one

These are the 6th of our friends to have got amrried in the last couple of years, there are still about another 4 couples engaged and planning their weddings for the next couple of years

AIBU to dread the ?wedding season??

[trixie123]

as others have said, given that you are pg it should be relatively easy to excuse yourself from the Hen activities, especially the curry and club. Your DCs make the hotel issue easy also. As for shoes and dress - cheap maxi dress, I just bought one in BHS for £20 and the way they are designed, you could wear it again with a belt. I was a BM for my sister a few months ago when heavily pregnant and got a pair o very fancy sparkly flip flop / sandal things from accessorise for £30. If I hadn't been a BM I would have spent even less.

[queenmaeve]

Isnt there someone you can borrow an outfit off? Amongst my friends we are all only to glad to share wedding outfits as everyone has so many. I had 9 weddings in a single year a while back. It just gets ridiculous.

[GnomeDePlume]

YANBU but stop trying to keep up. You dont have to.

The wedding is the centre of the bride & groom's universe not yours. All the hen & stag nonesense is set up by people who dont have the same constraints as you. Join in what you can afford (eg the curry) but skip the other bits. Plead pregnancy and that you cant afford it.

The stag do is also a naff extravagance if people cant afford it. Your DP should politely bow out.

Are you married? If not then make sure that you are considerate when you do finally have your own wedding. By that time your friends will be starting to have children etc and will appreciate the consideration!

[oohlaalaa]

Sorry, but the hen or stag is not obligatory. I had friends make excuses, and mine was only one night.

Sypathise with the drive. We went to a wedding last summer, and stayed in a B and B for £35 for a double for one night, rather than recommended hotel with invite enclosure.

The outfit is an expense, as is the present. I have bought off list before (well actually wrapped a very nice cut glass Royal Doulton vase I was given as a wedding present, but never taken out of the box)

I do not think it needs to be exhorbant though. I have been to a wedding, where we sneaked a bottle of vodka into handbag to add to orange juice.

[PaisleyLeaf]

You'll be tired but a 3 hour drive away is do-able. Don't stay in the hotel.

[AlpinePony]

YANBU. I wish I had some friends getting married locally. The last one I've just had to cry off:

Drive to airport & back: 100 euros
Parking at airport: 30 euros
Flights (2 adults + 1 baby) : 480 euros
Transfer other end (both ways) : 70 euros
Hotel 2 nights : 350 euros
Food 1 day : 60 euros
Present : 100 euros
Clothes for me (I have a vague wardrobe) : 120 euros
Suited & booted for the man : 350 euros
Total: 1670 euros

That would pay for a week AI in the caribbean for the 3 or us.

[AlpinePony]

Oh, I forgot kennels for the dogs:

3 nights in kennels : 90 euros

[JanMorrow]

We're at the same age now where loads of our friends are getting married and we're getting married ourselves later this year.

I am really conscious of the cost for guests (having been to so many recently!) so have asked that my hen is as cheap as possible (bridesmaids are arranging a surprise thing) and have given details of the local travelodge and premier inn for accommodation for the wedding and it's a free bar, but apart from that I'm not sure how we can lighten the load for people. I don't expect people to be wearing new dresses/shoes (and nobody else would I'm sure)

On your list though, for the hen, I'd just go for the meal if I were you, or just the spa.. either or.. save some money there, and the stag sounds really expensive so if your partner can't go to that, then that's half the collective cost gone surely? He just needs to say with the baby coming, you can't afford it.. And then the shoes, you don't need to spend £50 on them, new look do some really comfy flat shoes (which I've worn to a few weddings!).. And how about leaving at about 9/10pm or something, so you don't need to have a hotel?

It's totally doable on a lot less money.

[foreverondiet]

Give excuses for hen night / stag day etc.

Find a travel lodge or B&B nearby, you will not be drinking anyway as you are pregnant - that will cost £50 instead of £180.

Ask around your friends to see if anyone has a maternity smart outfit you can borrow - I bought one for my SIL's wedding and then lent to others....

Not really sure why you need the £50 shoes. What shoes do you wear every other day?

Can you give anyone else a lift to share the petrol costs?

Sorry it only costs £1000 if you want it to.

[niceguy2]

YANBU. I have/had 3 weddings to attend this year, two for family and I had to cry off all the stag do's since if I go to one it would only be fair I go to all. And quite simply I couldn't afford it.

Not when I have to buy new outfits for the kids, new outfit for my OH and on one of the weddings pay for flights for 5 of us.

Weddings are extremely expensive nowadays. I swear when I get married, we'll just bugger off, do it quietly then just throw a party for everyone when we get back.

[Mumswang]

sorry had to go and do some work, thanks for all your replies

there's nowhere else to stay, it's in the middle of nowhere. I could drive i guess, but 3 hours there and back, at 8 and a bit months pregnant, well i just don't want to

no we don't have to go, and no, stag and hen do's are not compulsory, but it's horrid not being able to join in and have fun with everyone else. we don't see much of our friends, it's nice to be there for big occassions like this

yes, i have to buy a dress, i'm massive and have nothing, apart from two work outfits that will fit. i'm amazed that anyone can find stuff for £10, i have hunted high and low and thought £50 seemed to be at the lower end of the scale for a pretty (huge) dress

i know, i know, we could not ever join in anything fun, and have nice curtains. it's a choice you make, i get that. i'm just bemoaning the fact that a simple, fun, occassion like celebrating a friends wedding easily runs into 100's of pounds. i don't blame my friends, they're just doing what everyone else does

[drcrab]

I sympatheise...but I do think that you can choose not to do it. Seriously. because you are 8 months pregnant, I'd frankly, only go for the meal. The spa won't allow you into the sauna or steam room, or frankly, have anything other than a facial (?) unless there's a mum-to-be treat that you could have. The curry might be fun, but no clubbing!!

Your husband need not go for the stag.

Dress - seriously, it's sale time now. Go get a maxi dress and it'll be fine. I went to a friend's wedding last year in July, and I was 7 months pregnant. I wore a maxi dress from eons ago (surprised it fitted!!) and everyone said I looked great and were surprised it wasn't a maternity dress!!

[oohlaalaa]

Sorry. I live in the middle of nowhere. But this is the UK, and there is always alternative accommodation. You may just have a half hour drive at the end of the night, but this can be on your way home.

[Laquitar]

mumswang £50 for wedding outfit is not that much really, just pick something that you can alternate and wear more times. Its not as if you said £500.

[MsTeak]

but you're not, you're bemoaning that attending a wedding AND and hen, and a weekend away stag event is expensive. To which I'm afraid the only answer is "well, duh!" Of course it is.

If you just attend the wedding you've already cut your budget by about 2/3rds.

[harrietthespook]

Mumswang I totally get where you're coming from and that budget you laid out does look like a fairly common scenario. In my exp anyway. I don't think what you've priced up looks unreasonable and I could see how the wedding part could creep up a bit.

But there is no way round the stag thing, there just isn't. You just have to say no. I have a friend planning a hen in a RUSSIAN city next year (we are in London) and while I would LOVE to go, it's a no. (Actually when it clicks what's really involved in that, rather than me tentatively being a spoil sport, I hope she'll change her mind.)

[LatteLady]

The best and the cheapest wedding I went to was for two friends who took three weeks off work... told us that they were going to a Registry office to do the deed during the first week and that they would pick witnesses off the street. The party was held on a Sunday from 5.00pm and was fancy dress - everyone made the effort and frankly the £50 I spent on costume hire was a blessed relief. They wanted no presents but set a jar aside so that everyone who wished could put £10 in it so that they could buy a painting that they had seen, there were sticky labels to be stuck on the pic for everyone to sign so that it was a record of who had been at the wedding.

As the party started early, you did not have to stay but they sourced three hotels locally and block booked rooms at an even cheaper rate (even more so as it was Sunday). It was a truly great day... and the bride and groom came as Shrek & Fiona!

[MackerelOfFact]

YANBU, it is expensive. Of course it's possible to cut down on things (eg. stag/hen dos, outfits, etc) but it's just hassle and it can cause bad feeling. The bride and groom are usually so caught up with it all, and how much they're spending, that they don't realise how expensive it is for guests. Weddings are fun and it's lovely to be able to share a couple's special day, but the best one's I've been to have just been a BBQ in a garden or field, with a relaxed dress code and camping!

[pingu2209]

Hen night
Spa £55 - £55 for the day - then go home at the end of the day
Total - £55


Stag night
Who the hell thought up that stupid idea?! Just say no way too expensive.

Wedding
3 hour drive away - Petrol £40 ishd
Outfit - £50 dress, just wear existing shoes and don't worry about whole 'look'
Go home at 8pm so see first dance and then go home.
Present - £20 cash

TOTAL
= £165

That is still a lot of money to spend on someone else's wedding, but no where near the £1000 you are offering.

I think that when you are of the age people get married, but you were the first so are beginning to have children before others too. Your friends are still single and don't have the cost of children and reduced earnings due to part time work/maternity leave etc. In a few years time they will understand your financial pressures!

[Dozer]

Have just been to three weddings in three weekends and suggest a more ruthless approach: the "just not that into you" filter. Don't cut costs, cut weddings!

For all no-duty-involved invitations, do not go if you're just not that into the person or couple, or just one of you go.

For the three weddings we've just been to, this approach would've meant total non-attendance at one (and the most expensive) wedding and only one of us going to the other two and saved lots of money and stress!

[pink4ever]

So a lot of people have come on here and given you good advice about how to cut costs and you just go meh?. Really how much fun do you think you are going to have at this wedding at 8 months pregnant. Cant drink and waddle round the dance floor?.
Yes its nice to share good times with friends but some times you have to accept that other things in life are more important than fun-like making sure you have stable finances when your dc arrives.
New Look has loads of dresses in the sale for around a tenner and they go up to a size 24. Also have flat sandals for less than a tenner. Tbh sounds to me your more worried about keeping up with the joneses.

[EssentialFattyAcid]

You are right its shocking how much it costs to attend a wedding plus stag/hen dos.

I would ditch the stag and hen dos and go to the wedding and back in a day

That way you save
£500 stag
£120 hen
£180 hotel
total saving £800

I would not spend £50 on shoes I would wear once - get them from Tesco/asda£15 or wear an existing pair.

£30 for the present is enough

total saving £855 - use this for a family holiday

I think it is reasonable to say to your friends that you can't afford stag and hens without sacrificing your family holiday.