To think that the cost of attending a wedding is prohibitively expensive?

[Mumswang]

I?m of that age where lots of our friend are getting married. Now I?m not a party pooper, I love a wedding, and I love my friends, I love celebrating with my friends, but??.latest of friends to get married (the second this summer). Not an extravagant do, just a normal wedding, no outrageous demands or costs, in fact it's one of the more modest events

Hen night
Spa £55
Curry £35 (no booze for me, pregnant)
Club £15 (again booze costs minimised)
Contribution towards hen night tat £15
Total - £120

Stag night
Weekend in European city ? God knows, in region of £500 I should think (conservatively)

Wedding
3 hour drive away
Petrol £40 ish
Hotel (only allow 2 night bookings at weekends in summer, can?t actually stay 2 nights as no DC wedding, fine but no one to look after DS for two nights) £180
Outfit ? have to buy something as huge so £50 dress, swollen feet so need new, flat shoes £50
Present - £50 I think is about the minimum we can spend without looking mean (they have asked for cash contributions)
Total - £370

So we?re looking at near enough £1000

DP and I haven?t had a holiday for 3 years, not even a weekend away somewhere together

We?ve just moved house and can?t afford, for example, curtains so have old, faded ones that don?t fit the windows, amongst other things

My car needs a new exhaust, I can?t afford one

These are the 6th of our friends to have got amrried in the last couple of years, there are still about another 4 couples engaged and planning their weddings for the next couple of years

AIBU to dread the ?wedding season??

[elphabadefiesgravity]

YANBU and YABU

The whole thing has become ridiculous.

However:

I never attend hen or stag do's. The last hen do I went to was my sister in laws which was just a nice meal in a normal restaurant.

The last wedding I went to which was dh's cousin who lives away I got my dress from Sainsbury's in the sale and we stayed at a Travelodge.

[Purplegirlie]

Expensive hen and stag weekends are a bugbear of mine, and like someone else has said, are just all part of "keeping up with the joneses". I think it's all got a bit ridiculous these days.

OP, if attending a wedding and associated events was going to cause me difficulty financially then I simply wouldn't go. I couldn't justify spending 1k on attending a wedding. Like some others have suggested, there are ways you could cut back on your expenditure if you really want to attend.

[thebird]

I am constantly amazed at the expense of these events both for the bride and groom and those attending. For this very reason DP and I are getting married in secret in a few weeks!

[TandB]

YANBU. We were nearly penniless one summer when we had 4 weddings to go to.

I remember a particularly fun one when DP was best man so we realistically had to go to everything. The itinerary:

Stag-do
Hen-do
Joint stag and hen weekend
Pre-wedding dinner (2 nights before wedding at other end of country)
Pre-wedding drinks party (night before wedding)
Wedding
Post-wedding lunch

(small hiatus)

Post-wedding party for viewing photos

(longer hiatus)

One-year post-wedding reunion weekend away


Seriously. It wasn't even my wedding and it took over my life for months!

[NattersAndMutters]

As for curtains, the charity shops are full of curtains, many of top quality, go take a look.

[NattersAndMutters]

Don't go to any of it. Send them some money and a nice card. Job done.

[Kallista]

OP - You say your curtains are old, faded and don't fit.
Go to eg. Primark or wilkinson.
I never spend over £25 on a pair of curtains. You can get off-cuts or sale curtains at your local drapers, also pretty nets and muslins. I got 2 net curtains for £12 but they weren't the cheapest.
B&Q do coloured roman blinds for £12 upwards.
Whatever you do re: the wedding, get those curtains done.
Also yearly holidays aren't essential but getting your exhaust fixed is.

[whackamole]

YANBU - weddings are expensive! But unless they are your closest friends, you don't have to do any of that.

I was invited to my cousins hen do and wedding, I went to the wedding but couldn't afford the hen do as well (like you she doesn't live near me so it would have required a night in a hotel). She was fine with it. And TBH if she hadn't been I still wouldn't have been able to afford it!

[MerylStrop]

It's time to stop the madness
People need to start saying NO WAY ARE YOU INSANE to stag dos that involve climbing Everest
No-one can really afford that kind of excess any more
It's showy and thoughtless to plan it that way
Weddings I have less of an issue with - it is a compliment to the bride and groom to make an effort with your appearance and so IMO shoes and dress money well spent. Buy a decent dress (the sales are on) and ebay it afterward.

[ENormaSnob]

Weddings are expensive to attend.

Even if you do it on the cheap.

Fwiw there is no way dh would spend £500 on a stag do if we hadn't had a holiday or weekend away ourselves for ages. That's ridiculous.

[pointydog]

Oh I see. Op is still moaning.

Well, I think it's verging on stupidity to spend £600+ on a hen and stag night.

[pointydog]

But it's a 3 hour drive. Couldn't be arsed doing that in a day in the name of entertainment.

[EssentialFattyAcid]

You are right its shocking how much it costs to attend a wedding plus stag/hen dos.

I would ditch the stag and hen dos and go to the wedding and back in a day

That way you save
£500 stag
£120 hen
£180 hotel
total saving £800

I would not spend £50 on shoes I would wear once - get them from Tesco/asda£15 or wear an existing pair.

£30 for the present is enough

total saving £855 - use this for a family holiday

I think it is reasonable to say to your friends that you can't afford stag and hens without sacrificing your family holiday.

[pink4ever]

So a lot of people have come on here and given you good advice about how to cut costs and you just go meh?. Really how much fun do you think you are going to have at this wedding at 8 months pregnant. Cant drink and waddle round the dance floor?.
Yes its nice to share good times with friends but some times you have to accept that other things in life are more important than fun-like making sure you have stable finances when your dc arrives.
New Look has loads of dresses in the sale for around a tenner and they go up to a size 24. Also have flat sandals for less than a tenner. Tbh sounds to me your more worried about keeping up with the joneses.

[Dozer]

Have just been to three weddings in three weekends and suggest a more ruthless approach: the "just not that into you" filter. Don't cut costs, cut weddings!

For all no-duty-involved invitations, do not go if you're just not that into the person or couple, or just one of you go.

For the three weddings we've just been to, this approach would've meant total non-attendance at one (and the most expensive) wedding and only one of us going to the other two and saved lots of money and stress!

[pingu2209]

Hen night
Spa £55 - £55 for the day - then go home at the end of the day
Total - £55


Stag night
Who the hell thought up that stupid idea?! Just say no way too expensive.

Wedding
3 hour drive away - Petrol £40 ishd
Outfit - £50 dress, just wear existing shoes and don't worry about whole 'look'
Go home at 8pm so see first dance and then go home.
Present - £20 cash

TOTAL
= £165

That is still a lot of money to spend on someone else's wedding, but no where near the £1000 you are offering.

I think that when you are of the age people get married, but you were the first so are beginning to have children before others too. Your friends are still single and don't have the cost of children and reduced earnings due to part time work/maternity leave etc. In a few years time they will understand your financial pressures!

[MackerelOfFact]

YANBU, it is expensive. Of course it's possible to cut down on things (eg. stag/hen dos, outfits, etc) but it's just hassle and it can cause bad feeling. The bride and groom are usually so caught up with it all, and how much they're spending, that they don't realise how expensive it is for guests. Weddings are fun and it's lovely to be able to share a couple's special day, but the best one's I've been to have just been a BBQ in a garden or field, with a relaxed dress code and camping!

[LatteLady]

The best and the cheapest wedding I went to was for two friends who took three weeks off work... told us that they were going to a Registry office to do the deed during the first week and that they would pick witnesses off the street. The party was held on a Sunday from 5.00pm and was fancy dress - everyone made the effort and frankly the £50 I spent on costume hire was a blessed relief. They wanted no presents but set a jar aside so that everyone who wished could put £10 in it so that they could buy a painting that they had seen, there were sticky labels to be stuck on the pic for everyone to sign so that it was a record of who had been at the wedding.

As the party started early, you did not have to stay but they sourced three hotels locally and block booked rooms at an even cheaper rate (even more so as it was Sunday). It was a truly great day... and the bride and groom came as Shrek & Fiona!

[harrietthespook]

Mumswang I totally get where you're coming from and that budget you laid out does look like a fairly common scenario. In my exp anyway. I don't think what you've priced up looks unreasonable and I could see how the wedding part could creep up a bit.

But there is no way round the stag thing, there just isn't. You just have to say no. I have a friend planning a hen in a RUSSIAN city next year (we are in London) and while I would LOVE to go, it's a no. (Actually when it clicks what's really involved in that, rather than me tentatively being a spoil sport, I hope she'll change her mind.)

[MsTeak]

but you're not, you're bemoaning that attending a wedding AND and hen, and a weekend away stag event is expensive. To which I'm afraid the only answer is "well, duh!" Of course it is.

If you just attend the wedding you've already cut your budget by about 2/3rds.

[Laquitar]

mumswang £50 for wedding outfit is not that much really, just pick something that you can alternate and wear more times. Its not as if you said £500.

[oohlaalaa]

Sorry. I live in the middle of nowhere. But this is the UK, and there is always alternative accommodation. You may just have a half hour drive at the end of the night, but this can be on your way home.

[drcrab]

I sympatheise...but I do think that you can choose not to do it. Seriously. because you are 8 months pregnant, I'd frankly, only go for the meal. The spa won't allow you into the sauna or steam room, or frankly, have anything other than a facial (?) unless there's a mum-to-be treat that you could have. The curry might be fun, but no clubbing!!

Your husband need not go for the stag.

Dress - seriously, it's sale time now. Go get a maxi dress and it'll be fine. I went to a friend's wedding last year in July, and I was 7 months pregnant. I wore a maxi dress from eons ago (surprised it fitted!!) and everyone said I looked great and were surprised it wasn't a maternity dress!!

[Mumswang]

sorry had to go and do some work, thanks for all your replies

there's nowhere else to stay, it's in the middle of nowhere. I could drive i guess, but 3 hours there and back, at 8 and a bit months pregnant, well i just don't want to

no we don't have to go, and no, stag and hen do's are not compulsory, but it's horrid not being able to join in and have fun with everyone else. we don't see much of our friends, it's nice to be there for big occassions like this

yes, i have to buy a dress, i'm massive and have nothing, apart from two work outfits that will fit. i'm amazed that anyone can find stuff for £10, i have hunted high and low and thought £50 seemed to be at the lower end of the scale for a pretty (huge) dress

i know, i know, we could not ever join in anything fun, and have nice curtains. it's a choice you make, i get that. i'm just bemoaning the fact that a simple, fun, occassion like celebrating a friends wedding easily runs into 100's of pounds. i don't blame my friends, they're just doing what everyone else does