To think that the cost of attending a wedding is prohibitively expensive?

[Mumswang]

I?m of that age where lots of our friend are getting married. Now I?m not a party pooper, I love a wedding, and I love my friends, I love celebrating with my friends, but??.latest of friends to get married (the second this summer). Not an extravagant do, just a normal wedding, no outrageous demands or costs, in fact it's one of the more modest events

Hen night

Spa £55
Curry £35 (no booze for me, pregnant)
Club £15 (again booze costs minimised)
Contribution towards hen night tat £15
Total - £120

Stag night
Weekend in European city ? God knows, in region of £500 I should think (conservatively)

Wedding
3 hour drive away
Petrol £40 ish
Hotel (only allow 2 night bookings at weekends in summer, can?t actually stay 2 nights as no DC wedding, fine but no one to look after DS for two nights) £180
Outfit ? have to buy something as huge so £50 dress, swollen feet so need new, flat shoes £50
Present - £50 I think is about the minimum we can spend without looking mean (they have asked for cash contributions)
Total - £370

So we?re looking at near enough £1000

DP and I haven?t had a holiday for 3 years, not even a weekend away somewhere together

We?ve just moved house and can?t afford, for example, curtains so have old, faded ones that don?t fit the windows, amongst other things

My car needs a new exhaust, I can?t afford one

These are the 6th of our friends to have got amrried in the last couple of years, there are still about another 4 couples engaged and planning their weddings for the next couple of years

AIBU to dread the ?wedding season??

£60 petrol each? how far are you going???

Can't see why you would need to spend a fraction of that much to attend a wdding. Hen and stags aren't compulsory, neither are £50 shoes!

well, don't go to the hen or stag dos. And stay in a B+B, as suggested. that should cut costs dramatically.

DH and I have decided that if we can attend the wedding but it's pricey, the present will be smaller in value (so £20 at the most recent wedding we attended) - if we can't attend (if, for example, it's a no children wedding) then the gift will be worth a bit more.

and mainly, don't feel obliged to go.

YABU. You are under no obligation to take part in an expensive hen or stag do. I'd have said no completely to the stag weekend away, and would have done part of the hen do so either the spa or the curry or the clubbing, but not all three. And paying £15 for tat!! That is just wrong no matter how much money you have. Was this dodgy pink stetsons and L plates for the bride? That's just throwing money away on stuff that will end up in a landfill tomorrow.

With sales on at the moment, you can pick up a pretty maxi dress and some cheap sandals easily. Both Tesco and Asda do some really nice summer clothes, v v cheaply, plus most of the high street shops have sales on at the moment. £20 as a wedding gift if they are asking for cash seems reasonable, plus a nice card, which you could make yourself. Most hotels are open to negotiation on rack rates, or stay nearby in a B & B or Chain hotel such as Travelodge, Etap etc. Alternatively, you could say No and politely decline the invitation, which is also perfectly acceptable. You certainly don't HAVE to go to this or any wedding. And I can't believe that any genuine friend would be anything other than mortified at the thought that their wedding (which is a happy event) was causing you financial difficulty.

Thursday, it was £60 for the Hen weekend and £60 petrol again for the wedding (both in same place). We are going North east to London.

Actually just checked Google directions and it reckons £40 each way! Thud.

Well, drop the hen and stag dos for a start and you've saved 620.

Investigate cheaper accommodation.

Is there anyone else going to the wedding from your town who would be interested in sharing a ride, and contributing petrol money?

Dress and shoes, shop around.

I am amazed how much money gets spent on weddings.

£1000 to attend!

My actual wedding probably only cost half that.

OP - I'd avoid the hen do on account of being very pregnant - won't be much fun watching everyone else get pissed.

Agree, we have a wedding next Sat & have set aside £200 for the day.

£80 to stay over (husband best man they want us to).
£50 for present.
£70 for drinks (think we will need more though).

Already paid out for 2 stag do's - one abroad one in Manchester.
Luckily I didn't have to do then hen do as don't know bride that well.
Have bought a new dress, shoes etc probably will spend £100 on that in total.
I reckon we've spent £500 in total yet I can't afford a new dishwasher - how does that work?

YANBU - this was part of the reason that we had a lunchtime wedding so that guests didn't have to pay for a hotel. I didn't have a hen do (not a big fan anyway) and DH's stag do was in the local area. I have only been to a couple of hen events and they were in the UK as have all of the stag nights that DH has been on. People really should consider their guests when organising these things.

When I see these threads, I always wonder why stags & hens (shudder) haven't caught up with the fact that the era of truly cheap flights is over. For about 10 years, it was possible to travel within Europe for a short break on about £200, including flights. But those days are gone.

Anyway, as others have said, I'm sure you can find ways to trim the cost. And don't feel obliged to get a present at all, frankly. Have an honest discussion with your friend. I would far rather my friends came to my wedding, than bought a present - of any value - that they couldn't afford.

How big are you really? Maternity clothes can be ugly and over-priced. I hardly wore any, and simply wore those dresses I owned which were jersey and could stretch over my bump. Have you checked that you don't have something similar?

Bloody hell!

All I have to do here is turn up to the church\council office reasonably well dressed in stuff I already have. Buy reasonably priced pressie of own choosing or off list that includes not scarily priced stuff. Beg sister to send confetti cos they don't have it here (its quid pro quo, I send her those horrible amaretto biscuits, cos her staff love them). That's it.

Remind me to turn down any invites to weddings from family\friends in the UK, saying travel makes it too difficult. Or something. Anything. (worries about "second wave" cousins now being of marrigable age emoticon)

Both my weddings combined cost less than you are having to shell out to go as a guest.

Can you not plead preggo status and just not go ?

I remember one year about 10 years ago having no fewer than four weddings in one year, one of which took place overseas, one of which involved a big mutual stag/hen party in the week running up to the wedding itself on a remote Cornish island. The other two weren't particularly extravagant by wedding standards but costs mount up. I cried off the wedding with the Cornish island in the end due to cost and ill health yet still later calculated that I'd spent nearly two grand on the other three. Just incredible.Nellythecat its so true -- people find it very difficult to say "no, can't afford that." Trouble is, a lot of people (and I include myself in this) got very used to going along with it during the years of easy credit, just going "fuck it, its just more credit card debt" and not really counting it up until much later. We all, as a nation, need to learn to say "no, sorry, can't afford it," without being accused of being cheap or mean.

Aworryingtrend sorry, i was being dense and assuming you were travelling together somewhere. obviously you've got all the costs yourself to travel a distance.

Its perfectly possible to travel in Europe on a short break for £200 stg! Haven't you heard of Ryanair?

When I was pregnant and a friend was getting married

• I used pg as the excuse for not going to the "full hen do" but did go to the meal that was part of it

• DH avoided the stag do, but did go out for a drink with the groom before the day

(If you don't live nearby, I think it's "understood" that you may not be able to come?)

• we stayed in a travelodge that was reasonably close (and as I wasn't drinking, driving wasn't an issue).

• I bought at £3 dress from a charity shop on the basis I wasn't spending money on something I'd never wear again.
• and black shoes I already had (black goes with everything-yes?)

So main cost was petrol to wedding venue.
Way cheaper than your estimate anyway.

Haven't you heard of Ryanair?

Ryanair have a problem reading maps. For example their Milan airport is actually in Bergamo. I think that might put some people off regardless of price.

When did group holidays replace what used to be a single boozy night out ? Is this a new thing ?

My BIL is getting married next month, and is having two stag do's - neither of them cheap. It bloody annoys me, please people bear in mind it costs a fortune to attend weddings and be realistic and reasonable about hen and stag do's! arghh.

Anyone remember Ryanair trying to pass off Glasgow airport as "London Prestwick"?

Seriously though - cut out hen and stag dos completely (plead pregnancy, previous engagements, anything to get out of it - or be honest!), and stay at a different hotel in the area for one night only. Buy cheap one-wear shoes on sale - not one person will be looking at your feet. But DO spend the £50 on a gift (though I hate requests for cash); that's the most important bit.

I'd drop the Stag and Hen do and stay in a B&B as someone suggested. There's no shame in saying 'We can't afford to do both the parties and the wedding, and really want to be there on your wedding day.' I do think some people lose touch with reality when it comes to stag/hen dos. It's really very selfish to expect people to shell out that much cash, and it's unlikely that all the people going have similar incomes. Would you expect everyone to come to a pricey restaurant and drop £200 a head on a meal? Why is it ok to expect people to spend the same kind of money on an 'indulgent spa day' and a night at a club?

YABU
It isnt usual to to have a 3 hour drive to a friends wedding so that wouldn't be a normal cost or the hotel fee either. You don[t have to do the spa. Mind you I have been on a couple of hen do spas and the wedding has fallen through!!

Last wedding I went to we went to the registry after work and had a couple of drinks in the pub. Total cost 2 x round of drinks followed by a takeaway at the new bride and grooms house that night. The receptionwas a few days later.
The cost there was

wedding present = bottle of Champagne and card don't know DH bought it.

I wore a favourite Nicole Fahri dress and black stilletoes that I already own.
Dh wore his suit
DS wore his suit and borrowed his dads tie
Ds2 got a new shirt for £15.

I never bother with the hen night if it invoves going round town getting drunk with silly tat.

You cut your cloth to suit.

YABU.

Hen night
Spa £55
Curry £35 (no booze for me, pregnant)
Club £15 (again booze costs minimised)
Contribution towards hen night tat £15
Total - £120

"Thanks for the invite to the hen party. We're a bit skint at the moment but I really want to come on the hen night, so I'll skip the spa and curry and meet you at the club".

Stag night
Weekend in European city ? God knows, in region of £500 I should think (conservatively)

"Thanks for the invite to the stag do. We're a bit hard up at the moment, with a baby on the way, you know how it is. I'm going to have to give it a miss but I don't mind sorting out a lads night down at the local for when you're back if you fancy it?"

Wedding
3 hour drive away
Petrol £40 ish
Hotel (only allow 2 night bookings at weekends in summer, can?t actually stay 2 nights as no DC wedding, fine but no one to look after DS for two nights) £180
Outfit ? have to buy something as huge so £50 dress, swollen feet so need new, flat shoes £50
Present - £50 I think is about the minimum we can spend without looking mean (they have asked for cash contributions)
Total - £370

Is the train cheaper (and quicker) than driving? Do you really need a new outfit? Get them a token gift rather than giving cash.

As for the hotel, "Thanks for the invite to the wedding. We are not going to be able to stay over at the hotel due to being a bit short of cash/childcare issues/refusal to pay for two nights when we are only staying one night, so unfortunately we won't be able to stay late into the evening, we will probably head off once you've had your first dance".

YANBU the hens and stags nights are silly customs imo and very costy. Wedding is fine.

YABU because you don't actually need to do all/any of that.

YANBU because it seems that quite a lot of people go a bit mad when they get married, spent an awful lot and expect their friends to do the same.

FWIW, I paid for my own hen night with a few close friends and our wedding finished at 5.30pm so that everyone who was coming a long way had time to go home if they wanted or go to the family 'after party' at my parents' house. Our entire wedding, all in, cost £4000. We had a gift list (so shoot me; we were setting up home for the first time and people asked for one) but most of the items on it cost less than £20, including a £2.50 set of measuring spoons. The one guest couple who were absolutely stinking rich didn't buy us anything. We didn't care (although we did notice :o).

Oh, and the wedding in in London, not out in the sticks. There are plenty of non-snooty hotels to choose from!